MY LIFE, REWRITTEN AS A CHINESE TAKEOUT MENU AND SLIPPED, UNWANTED, UNDER MY DOOR. BY MATT MARINOVICH - - - - GRAND REOPENING! Appetizers Insomnia..............................................................$2.00 Weird Dream (4).................................................$4.00 Loud Barking Downstairs.....................................$1.20 Cold Bathroom....................................................$1.20 Pain in Neck........................................................$4.00 Hangover.............................................................$1.10 Angry Wife..........................................................$3.25 Dirty Diaper.........................................................$1.10 Side Orders                                        (Sm.)        (Lg.) Plain Financial Anxiety.........................$1.00        $2.00 Crispy Fear of Death...........................$1.00        $2.00 Black Mold..........................................................$2.00 Sweet and Sour (Served with Plain Financial Anxiety.) Girl at pastry shop stops flirting with you when she sees ring................................................$9.75 Baby daughter paints funny picture of you on brand-new 46-inch 1080p HDTV.........................$9.75 Combo Platter (Served with Plain Financial Anxiety or Crispy Fear of Death.) Take Out the Trash and Give Finger to Speeding Driver................................................$6.75 Give Finger to Speeding Driver and Run in Park.....$6.75 Run in Park and Loud Barking Downstairs.............$6.75 Loud Barking Downstairs and Take Out the Trash...............................................................$6.75 Give Finger to Barking Downstairs and Throw Trash at Speeding Driver.......................................$6.75 Chef's Specials Dragon and Phoenix..............................................$9.25 Argument with wife cannot be won; stop fantasizing about her seeking forgiveness. Seven Stars Around the Moon...............................$9.25 Long e-mail to well-connected friend requesting work has bounced yet again. Four Seasons........................................................$9.25 A strange sense that time is moving faster and faster and you are accomplishing less and less. Triple Delight.........................................................$9.25 Postman hands you shrink-wrapped parcel, has no idea it contains pornographic DVD, no one home. Happy Family........................................................$9.25 Wife elated after you agree to go on medication permanently, despite sexual side effects. Please: No substitutions. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - My Life, Rewritten as a Chinese Takeout Menu and Slipped, Unwanted, Under My Door By Matt Marinovich More Truly Groundbreaking Copywriting By Dan Kennedy The 4-Year-Old Finds Religion By Ross Murray Instructions for the Proper Care and Feeding of the Chosen One By Gregory Farley Ishmael the Comedian By Teddy Wayne

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