THE GIRLS OF THE HILLS VISIT IRAQ. BY WENDY MOLYNEUX - - - - (LAUREN, AUDRINA, and WHITNEY walk along a desert highway, escorted by U.S. soldiers.) AUDRINA: Oh my God. This is sad. LAUREN: It is sad. WHITNEY: It's sad. AUDRINA: It's so sad. LAUREN: So sad. (Long pause.) LAUREN: When you think about it, it's sad. (LAUREN's Sidekick beeps.) WHITNEY: Who's texting you? AUDRINA: Is it Brody? LAUREN: Yeah. AUDRINA: Oh my God, he loves you. WHITNEY: Oh my God, that soldier looks like he's, like, 18. LAUREN: He does not love me. We're friends. WHITNEY: He's younger than us. AUDRINA: Brody is not younger than us! You're so crazy, Whitney. WHITNEY: Wow, he's younger than us and he's over here without his parents, going out on patrol every day with no idea as to whether he'll come back. LAUREN: Oh my God! AUDRINA: What? LAUREN: Brody saw Spencer and Heidi last night at Opera. And Spencer danced with another girl. AUDRINA: Oh my God! That's crazy. WHITNEY: It is crazy. Why do you think we send off to war our youngest and most vulnerable, those who could stay to build our nation, when time and again these wars prove themselves to be fools' errands? It has to be more than the economic need to support the military-industrial complex. It seems like there's also a need to restore the heroic, youthful face of post–World War II America with a victory abroad, yet we ensure that that symbolic face is corrupted and annihilated by choosing conflicts that can only controvert that image. (LAUREN's Sidekick beeps again.) LAUREN: No way! WHITNEY: You disagree? Look at that soldier. LAUREN: Heidi just texted me that she and Spencer broke up! AUDRINA: No! LAUREN: This is huge. WHITNEY: I fucking hate you guys. (A shot rings out. WHITNEY drops out of frame.) AUDRINA: I want, like, a juice or something. LAUREN: Brody does kind of love me, huh? AUDRINA: Yeah. - - - - Wendy Molyneux's Other Features. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - The Girls of The Hills Visit Iraq By Wendy Molyneux Candid New York City Rental Ads By Brad Jacobson My Life, Rewritten as a Chinese Takeout Menu and Slipped, Unwanted, Under My Door By Matt Marinovich More Truly Groundbreaking Copywriting By Dan Kennedy The 4-Year-Old Finds Religion By Ross Murray

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