F R O M T H E A R C H I V E S
PRODUCTION RIDER
FOR KATE KERSHNER'S
HOLIDAY VISIT
HOME TOUR.
- - - -
Please note the following points that shall be adhered to on Kate
Kershner's Holiday Visit Home Tour. It is in the best interest of the
VENUE (i.e.: JIM and CAROL KERSHNER'S rancher on 34th St. and the
inhabitants therein) that these demands be strictly followed, if the
VENUE ever wishes to see the TALENT (i.e.: KATE KERSHNER) come back
after the 2006 Tour. This written agreement must be agreed upon and
given no amendment unless specifically addressed with the TALENT.
Please also note that this rider would be unnecessary were it not for
the now-canceled OPENING ACT (i.e.: Mike Kershner, brother and ultimate
betrayer of TALENT), who got a little too popular (i.e.: a little too married) to come on Tour this year. TALENT, who no longer trusts anyone after OPENING ACT left for his own fancy TOUR and new VENUE, feels it best to have everything on paper. Although this document is not legally binding, it does work in accordance with the strict legality of the OFFICIAL CONTRACT (i.e.: Kate Kershner's birth certificate, verifying JIM and CAROL KERSHNER as Parents, and thus responsible for all future happiness).
LOAD IN:
TALENT arrives alone. Upon arrival, do not ask where CREW is. Do not
get clever by saying boyfriend/your friend/special friend instead of
CREW. Consider VENUE forewarned that when TALENT feels VENUE can act
appropriately around CREW, TALENT will bring CREW. So TALENT will be
arriving alone.
TALENT will be bringing one (1) duffel bag full of laundry, and TALENT
doesn't want to hear she's too old for this. TALENT will do laundry
herself. Unless VENUE, you know, was already planning on doing some
anyway, in which case it would probably be easier if VENUE just threw
it in with whatever VENUE is doing. No big deal.
Upon LOAD IN, the following should be placed in DRESSING ROOM (i.e.:
TALENT'S former bedroom, now renamed CAROL'S NEW "PURPLE ROOM,"
painted to accompany VENUE'S new "BLUE ROOM," which makes TALENT ache
for a time when a room in VENUE could be beige):
(1) Bottle of Vodka
(1) Bottle of Tonic, and not the diet tonic that VENUE usually buys.
TALENT doesn't appreciate what VENUE is trying to say when VENUE only
buys TALENT diet tonic water.
(1) Bath towel, long enough to be crammed under bottom of door
(1) Fan, which should be facing out the window
Smoke detector in room MUST BE DISABLED before LOAD IN. No drinking
glasses necessary.
TALENT will take thirty (30) minutes to "put stuff away" in DRESSING
ROOM after load in. VENUE should leave TALENT alone for those thirty
(30) minutes, even if choking coughs can be heard. TALENT is fine.
Upon TALENT exiting DRESSING ROOM, VENUE should be sensitive to the
fact that TALENT might have trouble with simple appliances, proper
conjugation in conversation, etc. Please recall Holiday Tour 2004,
when TALENT made VENUE late for Christmas Eve Mass because it took
TALENT approx. one half-hour to tie her shoe. Due to the fact that
TALENT was wearing boots without laces. It'll be a lot like that. Be
patient.
DURING DINNER SHOW:
It is our understanding that various other acts (i.e.: SPECIAL GUESTS)
will be sharing the bill with TALENT during the Kate Kershner Holiday
Visit Home Tour during the DINNER segment of our show. The following
is required of VENUE during DINNER, but also extends to SPECIAL
GUESTS.
TOPICS THAT ARE OFF LIMITS WHEN TALKING TO TALENT:
1. TALENT'S lack of reliable employment
2. TALENT'S lack of reliable relationships
3. The story of that time TALENT pretended to be suicidal when she
was 7 years old so she could find out what therapy was like,
unless TALENT chooses to tell anecdote herself. No one but TALENT can
tell that story with the proper context and complex nuances, and
TALENT is sick sick sick of people fucking it up.
4. TALENT'S physical appearance, especially her hair color. TALENT
understands she has roots, and fails to see why VENUE must mention
this at every occasion. TALENT would be happy to amend the situation
if VENUE would like to fork over $150 for a salon touchup. No?
That's what TALENT thought.
5. TALENT'S complicated financial situation
6. Probably best to avoid politics, books of a high-minded literary
nature, foreign films, and music that doesn't have words. TALENT
feels stupid when these are discussed and accidentally lies about her
knowledge of them, which makes TALENT feel bad and drink more. Keep
in mind: Keeping TALENT happy is legally binding to VENUE in
accordance with OFFICIAL CONTRACT.
RECOMMENDED TOPICS WHEN TALKING TO TALENT:
1. Brokeback Mountain. TALENT knows it came out last year, but
TALENT just saw it for the second time and thinks she has some pretty
interesting things to say about it.
2. Celebrities. Especially any anecdotes about meeting them/seeing
them somewhere. Jake Gyllenhaal/Heath Ledger sightings will be
rewarded with robust conversation.
The following should be placed on or near the table at DINNER:
(2) Bottles of wine per person at table, preferably something cheap so
VENUE doesn't bitch about how expensive it was during the course of
the entire evening
(1) Bowl of mashed potatoes, skin ON. SKIN IS WHERE THE VITAMINS ARE.
(2) Bowls of stuffing, one cornbread and one plain. If there is so
much as half a raisin in the stuffing, TALENT will immediately leave
the table and possibly the city.
More food, at the VENUE'S discretion. Please check ahead with TALENT,
however. And make sure not to have anything with honey. TALENT
doesn't mind the taste, but it leaves her fingers sticky, which annoys
her.
LOAD OUT:
TALENT will require the following items on leaving the premises:
(1) Leftover container of every dish served at dinner
(1) Flask of alcohol, filled from VENUE'S liquor cabinet
(1) Pack of double-A batteries, provided by VENUE
(1) Copy of Sports Illustrated, provided by VENUE
(1) Old hair dryer, provided by VENUE
(1) Box of envelopes, provided by VENUE
(3) Books that VENUE recommends, and provides
(1) Duffel bag of clean clothes
(50) Dollars, for travel expenses
With all the TALENT'S demands met, we anticipate 2006 to be the best
Holiday Visit Home Tour so far!
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Production Rider for Kate Kershner's Holiday Visit Home Tour By Kate Kershner
Excerpts From My Rejected Script: Alien vs. Predator Save Christmas By Ben Joseph
Jesus Christ Decides He Doesn't Want to Celebrate His Birthday This Year By Matt Bannish
Jenna Bush's Book-Tour Diary of Hope By Steve Almond
How to Roll Out of a Moving Car By Sarah Walker
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.