FACTCHECK.ORG'S
COVERAGE OF ELLIOTT
BLAUFUSS'S 2008
HALLOWEEN
PARTY.
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Summary
Though some discussions at the party maintained civility and truthfulness, there were numerous examples of false recollections, accusations, and declarations, especially by Seth Evans after midnight:
- Neil Uhlenhake claimed that his December 21, 2003, night of sex with Sarah Nelson "blew her world." But in every major report issued about that night—including several attempts by Nelson the next day to clarify what had happened in her bedroom—it is clear that Uhlenhake actually was quick to finish and also had a moment of sickness that ended with Nelson having to throw away her beige down comforter and sleep with her roommate's blankets for the following week.
Update: Nelson's roommate, Amy Bicker, wrote on her blog in June of 2006 that "Neil is one of the biggest liars I have ever known. I went into the room not 20 minutes after Neil had stumbled out with his glasses all atwitter and there was this green mucus all over the place. Sarah was lying on the floor crying because she thought the condom might have broken."
- Seth Evans, talking to host Elliott Blaufuss, said, "Do you remember that time I totally beat the shit out of Jon Walsh in fourth grade?" This has been a calculated and continual argument made by Evans even though most major media outlets have verified its invalidity. School records show that Walsh didn't attend Chanhassen Elementary School with Evans; he first attended school with Evans in the eighth grade, and immediately began dating Evans's middle-school sweetheart Joan Vaughn. Vaughn and Walsh married in 2004. Evans began telling this story in 2000, after he saw Vaughn and Walsh kissing near the bathroom at his friend Bryant Johnson's duplex in Willingham. On Friday, upon overhearing Evans's claim, Evans's own friend John Berg said, "You are so full of shit, Seth."
- Jeff Wilson, lying on the floor after having lost his balance from drinking a fifth of Windsor Canadian whiskey, told everyone, "I'm fine." Minutes later, he was found passed out in the bathroom with his pants off and vomit on the floor.
- Shannon "Wild Shan" Slatton's claim that she is "not a whore" has been wildly rejected by even her most loyal friends. Of course, there are varying arguments about the exact science of this labeling—and Slatton has often tried to sidestep the label by verbally appending the definition—but some facts are certain. Original reporting done by awhoreornot.com found that in the last four years Slatton has had at least 17 one-night stands—including one with her sister's husband at a rehearsal dinner in St. Paul. On that particular night, Slatton, after her fifth glass of wine, was quoted as saying, "I want you to screw me and call me my sister's name."
- John Berg's claim that he had "never even heard of Il Divo" is so factually abhorrent and crippling that Berg stuttered when he said the singing group's name. None of his supporters are fully aware of what Berg's exact association with the group is, but FactCheck.org has been supplied with two ticket stubs from the Barbra Streisand / Il Divo tour of 2006, purchased on Berg's credit card, and there was—briefly—a video of Berg on YouTube singing Céline Dion's verse from "Je crois en toi" with disgustingly perfect enunciation. After making the proclamation, Berg asked if anyone could put on "some fucking Black Keys."
- Then there was the heated argument involving Evans and Blaufuss and whether or not Blaufuss had "metaphorically cockblocked" Evans's attempts to sleep with Blaufuss's ex-girlfriend. This debate stretches back to June of this year, when Evans made numerous attempts to sleep with Jade Cicero, whom Blaufuss dated from 2002 to 2006. Evans has repeatedly stated that the only reason Cicero will not give in to his advances is because of their mutual relationship with Blaufuss. Cicero herself was at the party and was overheard saying "Sweet fucking Jesus" when Evans—his hair matted against his face from sweat; a large, damp stain of Schiltz on his gray University of Colorado T-shirt—began screaming at Blaufuss, "You somehow have jammed your cock into her brain and she can't fucking get into me!" Outside the party, Cicero told FactCheck.org's James Bradford that she isn't remotely interested in Evans and hasn't attempted to contact him in four months. Cicero produced call logs that showed Evans calling her at least three times a week, usually after midnight. She also played four voicemail messages she has saved in case she needs legal help, but they cannot be reproduced here.
Analysis
Most of the above claims were made early in the night, between 10 p.m. and 12 a.m. After midnight, the general discussion of sex, physicality, and alcoholic stamina was so over the top that FactCheck found it unseemly to publish our research into the validity of the claims made during that time. Although the party was rife with lies, it was actually much more civil and honest than the 2007 Christmas Sweater Party, which Blaufuss also hosted.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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FactCheck.org's Coverage of Elliott Blaufuss's 2008 Halloween Party By Jeffrey Day
David Foster Wallace: A Profile By Bill Katovsky
Fifty Years of Popular Songs Condensed Into Single Sentences By Marc Haynes
How Key Players in the 2000 Election Perform at a Modern-Dance Contest By Bob Bringhurst
An Electoral-College Breakdown for My French In-Laws That Meets All Their Preconceptions By Nathaniel Missildine
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