F R O M T H E A R C H I V E S
HOW KEY PLAYERS
IN THE 2000 ELECTION
PERFORM AT A MODERN-
DANCE CONTEST.
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Today, the day after Election Day, we breathe a sigh of relief. The year 2000 suddenly seems like a very, very long time ago. While we'll never be able to completely laugh off the 2000 election, we can be especially thankful that what happened yesterday actually happened.
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James Baker begins his performance in a narrow spotlight. He is tucked into
a ball until Wild Cherry's "Play That Funky Music" begins. The former
secretary of state uncurls himself slowly, menacingly, and begins to whirl
across the stage. The tempo increases as Baker moves into a lindy circle
followed by a swing out. The spotlight can barely stay with him. When the
song ends, he stops, licks his fingers, and slaps the buttocks of an
imaginary partner. The spotlight fades as Baker curls himself into a ball.
Brazen.
David Gergen performs a no-nonsense shuffle step to Boxcar Willie's recording of "Achy Breaky Heart." Midway through the song, he dabs his nose with an argyle
handkerchief. Subtle, delicate, and unforced.
Al Gore's dance begins with promise as the techno sounds of Devo's "Big
Mess" charge the atmosphere. Gore performs a robotic fall-off-the-log move
that consists of a rock-step-stop followed by a kick-back-side-front. He
forces a smile, and then repeats the fall-off-the-log move several times.
The song ends, the lights fade, and the vice president is still falling off
the log. His performance shows a large degree of artistic intent and a
small degree of artistic realization.
George W. Bush strolls onto the stage wearing a lumberjack shirt, leotards,
and booties. The fixed look on his face wills the audience to take their
seats and quiet their noise. As Dwight Yoakam's "A Thousand Miles From
Nowhere" begins, the governor indulges in an odd combination of tango steps
and modern-dance poses. His most impressive move—which seems strangely
accidental—is best described as a trade-slide double-turn out to open
halt. Unsubstantial yet confident.
The senior George Bush interacts with stage props while reading dramatic
poetry. First poem, hands clasped beneath chin:
Iraq to a war did commit, (sway left)
Coerced by an evil half-wit. (sway right)
They cried "Holy war!" (stomp and twirl)
But saw bombs galore, (carom off angel harp)
Retreated, and cried "Holy shhh!" (repeat twirl)
Jeb Bush recuses himself from dancing.
Jesse Jackson is dressed in a smart sailor's outfit on a well-lit stage.
When Boston's "Don't Look Back" begins, the former activist thrusts his
pelvis, slowly at first, and then more rapidly. Soon he thrusts his pelvis
while walking in circles. He seems to lose interest. When the song ends,
Jesse appears to recognize the audience. He runs off the stage with face in
hands. The reverend will make a comeback.
Katherine Harris jerks her body in spastic fits before the music begins.
Then, as the first notes of Enya's "The Memory of Trees" ring out,
Florida's secretary of state convulses in opposition. She loses her balance
and falls off the stage; there is no return. Too small an act, too large
the stage.
William Daley performs a soundtrack medley. Sporting skintight leather
and taped feet, the campaign manager spins in circles as he rubs his
stomach and thighs to "Maniac." Water trickles over his body; he wheels and
pounds his forearms against a chair. He stops, looks wildly left and right,
and then moves into a "stud strut" as "Stayin' Alive" sweeps across the
stage. Quick but effective tributes to Fame and Dirty Dancing leave the
audience agape, but Daley offers the true showstopper when he waves his
hands quickly back and forth across his face, alternately revealing and
hiding his anguish à la Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls. Refreshingly unrepressed and provocative.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
How Key Players in the 2000 Election Perform at a Modern-Dance Contest By Bob Bringhurst
An Electoral-College Breakdown for My French In-Laws That Meets All Their Preconceptions By Nathaniel Missildine
Black Shoe Diary: The Daily Musings of Shuruku Umezawa: Junior Salesman, Ninja—Installment Five: The Final Chapter By Eric Feezell
So You've Been Buried Alive By Jim Stallard
Excerpts From The Aerial Hunter's Cookbook By Sid Popson
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