ELF UNION
NEWSLETTER:
DECEMBER 2008.
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A Message From the President
Greetings, brothers and sisters,
It's been another difficult year for Elf Local 315. Administrative costs continue to rise, the high turnover of union officers is an ongoing problem, and the outsourcing of work to non-union dwarves threatens the very existence of organized labor in our industry. Nevertheless, we can report some signs of progress this year. For instance, Santa Claus has agreed to end most product testing on elf orphans no later than 2020. It may not sound like much, but with 494 years still to go on our current contract we have to take what we can get. And, besides, there are plenty more elf orphans where those came from. So let's all hang in there, make the best of it, and continue to fight the good fight.
—Ogner Oddbother, President
Meeting Update
Over 300 members attended the meeting of November 15, 2008. Most were clearly drunk, and some continued to drink throughout the meeting. Boisterous refrains of bawdy drinking songs did little to expedite union business.
We heard a special presentation by Huffy Hugabug of the Pixie Dust Abuse Hotline. Members were instructed how to recognize the signs of pixie-dust addiction. Half an hour was wasted searching the room for a sample dime bag that predictably went missing during the look-and-learn segment of the presentation.
It was once again proposed that we amend Section 29 of the constitution. Several members convincingly argued that a strident call for the destruction of Israel has no place in the constitution of a labor union. As usual, Tinky Muhammad al-Tunklenut rose to the defense of Section 29, and the matter was referred to committee yet again.
Ten new members took the Toymaker's Oath. Three current members were presented with their journeyman letters. One member was subjected to a prolonged chair beating for reasons not reflected in the minutes.
Notices
The next general meeting will be held on Friday, January 16, 2009, at 7 p.m. in the Lodge Hall.
The Occupational Health and Safety Committee will offer a ladder-safety refresher course on Friday, January 9, 2009, at 9 a.m. in the Lodge Hall. All members less than 5 apples tall must attend in order to maintain their certification.
The Elfwives Auxiliary will hold an all-day bake sale on Saturday, January 27, 2009, at the North Pole Fire Hall. Proceeds will go to benefit the Elf Amputee Society, the Severe Burns Survivors Network, and the Belt Sander Accident Awareness Coalition.
The Elvish Mental Health Society will present a workshop on multiple-personality disorder on Friday, January 23, 2009, at 7 p.m. in the Lodge Hall. The guest speaker will be Dr. Fig Foofaraw, best-selling author of Me, My Elf, and I.
The annual toy drive has once again been canceled, due to outright hostility and some arson.
Workplace Health and Safety Update
The following elves were killed on the job in November:
- Durnk Dumblebum: overcome by fumes in the Play-Doh silo
- Pongo Plumfoot: asphyxiated on the Mr. Potato Head line after becoming lodged in the ear chute
- Nudge Nickwick: death by the Marburg virus, contracted during research-and-development work on the Actual Barrel of Actual Monkeys prototype
- Snuggy Snufflebottom: succumbed to Nerf lung
- Nobby Niblick: thrown from a rocking horse into an unattended punch press
- Pip Pennypants: incinerated in a suspicious Easy-Bake Oven accident
- Boffo Boggins: mauled by a feral Furby
In addition, Cubby Crumbpot, Pudge Proudtoe, and Winky Whippoorwill were all killed in the deplorable nail-gun fight of November 3.
Finally, shop stewards continue to disappear at an alarming rate. The latest to go missing is Blotto Bugberry, who vanished without a trace on November 28. The usual rumors of elf bells turning up in reindeer droppings are already making the rounds, but the safety commissioner has found no evidence to support such claims and urges all members to refrain from alarmist talk.
Ask the Expert
Each month, our own resident expert on labor law, Conker Cobnobble, answers letters from members just like you.
Dear Conker,
I'm having trouble with a co-worker. He's not a bad elf, but he's always using my tools and then misplacing them. Should I hire a goblin to kill the bastard, or should I do it myself?
Yours truly,
Short and Angry
Dear Short and Angry,
Killing a co-worker is something we all enjoy, and no self-respecting elf should pass up the opportunity to thin the herd himself. If detection is an issue, however, then hiring a pro is perfectly acceptable. If you do decide to go with a goblin, remember that it's half now, half later, no exceptions. Just to be sure, you might want to hire a troll to whack the goblin later on, because you know what those guys are like when they hit the pub with a pocketful of blood money. Better torch the pub, too.
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Do you have a question for Conker? Send it to Ask the Expert, Elf Local 315, Lodge Hall, North Pole.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Elf Union Newsletter: December 2008 By Mike Richardson-Bryan
Recovered Scenes From the Tragedy Plaxico by William Shakespeare By Shane Ryan
The Gutenberg Christmas Catalogue, 1608 By Sigmund Stern
Recreational Jewish Youth Basketball: An Ethnography By Andrew Ian Lipstein
The Stick, Recently Inducted Into the Toy Hall of Fame, Is Now Available at Amazon.com By Ralph Gamelli
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