REAL
HISTORICAL DOLLS:
A CATALOG.
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Neanderthal Nancy
With her sloping forehead and hairy body, Nancy is a real blast from the past. Hunting and gathering, she's fighting for survival. But, oops, her species is doomed to extinction. Darn those Homo sapiens!
Accessories: spear, club.
Early-Christian Kristie
Earnest and ranting, Kristie has a message to impart, even if it means being crucified or stoned to death by a mob.
Mob, stones, and cross sold separately.
Medieval Molly
With her tubercular cough and realistic patina of grime, Molly doesn't even know jeweled dresses exist. Push the button on her belly to give her the plague—look out for the pus!
Blood, horses, rat, wheelbarrow, and town-corpse-collector action figure sold separately.
Mary Queen of Scots
Mary comes complete with a wig and a detachable head. After she's decapitated, hold her head up by the wig and watch the head fall to the floor and roll around, just like it did in real life! Plus, with a different dress and wig, your child can pretend this doll is Marie Antoinette.
Accessories for Mary: masked executioner with ax, small dog that lives in her skirts, blood.
Accessories for Marie: cake, guillotine, extra blood.
Betsy Ross
From our American Revolution series. Betsy sits and sews a flag while the menfolk write a declaration, a constitution, inspirational pamphlets, and books like Common Sense, and fight a war to win independence. Keep sewing, Betsy!
Accessories: a thimble.
Wild West Wynona
Her husband and children were all killed by Indians, so Wynona lives in a whorehouse. You will love her black-and-red Western-style dress, which comes with snaps for easy removal.
Saloon and hotel room with stained mattress sold separately.
London-Blitz Betty
When bomber planes fly overhead, her house bursts into a million pieces. No family members to accessorize with, but you can get a toy orphanage.
Planes and orphanages sold separately.
1950s Francine
With her long poodle skirt and bobby socks, Francine is sick of Doris Day—she wants to listen to Elvis and have sex! Push her button and watch her go from teenage nymphet to pregnant slattern.
Nineteen-fifties model car with big back seat and disappointed boyfriend sold separately.
Revolutionary Roberta
Dressed in low-cut jeans and a paisley halter-top, Roberta is stoned and pissed off at the establishment. So, watch out, she might blow up your bus! Plus, she's one of our talking dolls—just push her button and she says one of three things: "Dig it," "Pass the joint," or "Down with the pigs!"
Accessories: Woodstock T-shirt, bong, crabs.
Black Panther Bernadette
Her ancestors survived kidnapping and slavery, but her school still sucks, even though the white kids' school across town rocks. Do you think Bernadette has a bone to pick? You betcha, whitey!
Accessories: megaphone, attitude, phalanx of civil-rights lawyers.
1970s Pinup Penny
Women have come a long way! In the 1970s, liberated beauties like Penny made a fortune selling products that helped adolescent boys relieve their adolescent tensions.
Accessories: reproduction of a quaint '70s poster, jar of Vaseline, pair of socks for quick (and covert) cleanup.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Real Historical Dolls: A Catalog By Kathryn Higgins
"I Spy" in Hell By Adrian Chen
The Focus Group's Transcript for My Prospective Garage Sale By S. Craig Renfroe Jr.
Midlife-Crisis Bible Stories By Susan Schorn
Eric Clapton's Censored Song List in North Korea By Lionel Beehner
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