SO YOU WANT
TO BE PRESIDENT?:
SCRIPTS FOR
NEGATIVE POLITICAL
ADVERTISEMENTS
OFFERED TO THE
CANDIDATES FREE
OF CHARGE.
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As the author of the definitive guide to running for the Oval Office, So You Want to Be President? (on sale now), I know at least as much about political campaigning as anyone else, which is to say, you should trust my opinion because it's mine. I have a few hard and fast rules about politics, the hardest and fastest of which is that, put simply, negative political advertising works. As anyone who has stood in front of a high-speed fan while someone dumped a bucket of manure into the blades can tell you, shit sticks.
In observing the 2008 campaign, I've noticed there's a certain staleness to the current crop of negative advertisements. Hillary Clinton recently recycled Walter Mondale's 1984 "Red Phone" ad in order to imply that Barack Obama's a heavy sleeper who might let a crisis call go to voicemail. So, as a public, nonpartisan service, I'll be creating a series of ready-to-produce scripts for negative political advertising that seek to freshen up the genre.
For illustration purposes, I'll be using a hypothetical opponent with a nondescript name, Herman Q. Asscrack. He's a United States senator.
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Point
Breaking
Point.
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INT. BANK—DAY
(A group of GUNMEN—who are wearing rubber masks bearing your opponent's likeness and wielding automatic weapons—bursts into a bank, yelling at the customers to "get on their bleeping knees." The customers yell hysterically as the gunmen spray bullets into the ceiling and manhandle people to the ground. Cut to: CUSTOMER 1, lying on his stomach on the floor, looks up at MAIN GUNMAN.)
CUSTOMER 1: (Terrified.) Please, Senator Asscrack. Haven't you grabbed enough of my money with your tax-and-spend votes in Congress already?
(GUNMAN 1 presses the muzzle of his weapon into CUSTOMER 1's cheek.)
GUNMAN 1: (Cackling fiendishly.) Enough? There's never enough!
(Cut to: CUSTOMER 2 climbing to her knees, then being pistol-whipped back to the ground by GUNMAN 2. CUSTOMER 2 clutches at her bleeding head wound.)
CUSTOMER 2: (Wailing.) At least use our hard-earned money to pay off the national debt or strengthen our military readiness!
(GUNMAN 2 delivers a second blow to CUSTOMER 2, knocking her completely unconscious. GUNMAN 3 joins GUNMAN 2 to lift CUSTOMER 2 off the ground. Together, they hold her upside down and shake coins out of her pockets. Cut to: GUNMAN 1 jumping up on the counter and unleashing another hail of bullets into the ceiling.)
GUNMAN 1: (Cackling even more fiendishly.) Ha! I'll use it for whatever I want to! I may just build giant golden statues of myself and adorn them with precious rubies and diamonds.
(Freeze-frame: CANDIDATE walks into scene. The entire background remains frozen.)
CANDIDATE: (Oozing gravitas.) Unlike my opponent, I've pledged not to use your tax dollars to build giant golden statues of myself.
(CANDIDATE walks over to still-frozen GUNMAN 1 standing on the counter and jumps 12 feet in the air, delivering a spinning roundhouse kick—Matrix-style—to GUNMAN 1's head, shattering it into a million pieces. CANDIDATE turns to address the camera.)
CANDIDATE: My name is [insert your name here], and I definitely approved this message.
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John Warner's new book, So You Want to Be President?, is available in bookstores today.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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So You Want to Be President?: Scripts for Negative Political Advertisements Offered to the Candidates Free of Charge By John Warner
Observational Notes for the Veterinarian Regarding My Dog Hank By Jon Methven
Interviews With the Stars: Cell-Phone Pocket-Dial Edition By Jory John and Mac Barnett
Open-Mike Night, 1:15 A.M. By Mike Sacks
Great Mugging Escapes—No. 204: The War on Terror By Pasha Malla
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