OTHER DANGEROUS HISTORICAL EVENTS HILLARY CLINTON EXPERIENCED AS FIRST LADY. BY NICK RIPATRAZONE - - - - Event While Ms. Clinton reads It Takes a Village to a second-grade class, a student vomits on the carpet. Clinton Description "I remember landing under sniper fire. We dove to the floor as if a tornado-like wind had plowed us down. I covered my face with the book, but others were not so lucky: one girl had to burn her sneakers after the soles were marked with hellish regurgitation. I was able to herd the children out, counting each of their little heads as they passed, ensuring the safety of America's future." Event Camera malfunctions during photo shoot for Vogue cover. Clinton Description "I remember landing under sniper fire. The flash from the camera was obviously a mortar attack, and I managed to wrap myself in the backdrop to avoid detection. I stabbed the perpetrator in the back with a letter opener—a skill I learned while president of the Young Republicans at Wellesley—and detained the criminal until the military arrived." Event Waiter trips during reception for the sculpture exhibition in the White House's Jacqueline Kennedy Garden. Clinton Description "I remember landing under sniper fire. Because it was bad weather, we were set up in the East Room, but I could see the insurgents moving behind the sculptures. I continued my introductions, though, so as not to upset the assembled art enthusiasts. But when a member of my wait staff was callously thrown to the ground, I acted: I leapt past Rex Scouten and dropped one of the bastards with a one-step reverse roundhouse kick." Event Not enough pitted kalamata olives for Grilled Lemon Mustard Chicken recipe. Clinton Description "I remember landing under sniper fire. I began cursing, but then stopped and said to myself, 'Hey, HRC, cool it. There's a jar of empeltre olives in the cabinet. But people will notice the difference; empeltres have too much of a nutty taste. I'll have to make Roasted Rack of Lamb With a Pumpkin Thyme Crust instead.'" Event Socks misses the kitty-litter box. Clinton Description "I remember landing under sniper fire. The smell was akin to mustard gas; I covered my face with an afghan and escorted Socks outside. I made sure that nobody, not even the cleaning staff, was allowed to enter the room until the noxious stench had dissipated. Well, almost nobody; I did tell Bill to go in and save my copy of Little Women. He came out and said, 'Sweet Arkansas, Hill, that's some mealy excrement.'" - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Other Dangerous Historical Events Hillary Clinton Experienced as First Lady By Nick Ripatrazone The Most Dangerous Game: New Times, New Rules By Ralph Gamelli Underground America The Monroe Family Bed Wishes to Die By John Jodzio Giants of Poetry By Tyler Stoddard Smith

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL