FILM SCHOOL IN THREE LINES OR LESS. BY BEN JOSEPH - - - - Citizen Kane CHARLES FOSTER KANE: I'm dying now. I miss my childhood. REPORTER: Wealth and power have truly made you an asshole. WORKER: No one cares if I burn this sled, right? The Deer Hunter ROBERT DE NIRO: Russian roulette is a precarious and dangerous game. CHRISTOPHER WALKEN: One could almost compare it to our nation's current situation in Vietnam. (Both turn and stare at camera for three hours.) West Side Story TONY: Cinema has a long literary tradition. This one's based on Shakespeare. MARIA: Just like that Amanda Bynes movie! TONY: (Sigh.) Let's just dance-fight. The Graduate BEN: Now that I'm done with college, I don't know who I am. MRS. ROBINSON: Cougar bait? BEN: Eh, that was fun, but I want to give the next-gen model a spin. The Philadelphia Story CARY GRANT: Sex in the 1940s took place entirely in the form of witty banter. KATHARINE HEPBURN: Indubitably. The Godfather THE GODFATHER: Family is really important, and, um ... Wait, did you even see all these movies? ME: Yes. Maybe. There were nap breaks. ALL MY FILM PROFESSORS: You are a horrible, horrible person. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Film School in Three Lines or Less By Ben Joseph Reviews of a Struggling Actor's First Three Bank Heists By Matthew Summers-Sparks Other Dangerous Historical Events Hillary Clinton Experienced as First Lady By Nick Ripatrazone The Most Dangerous Game: New Times, New Rules By Ralph Gamelli Underground America

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL