YOUTH CULTURE
FINDINGS.
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Someone born in 1980 has never seen MTV as a music channel or as a destination for music knowledge or information, and has never watched a movie in a movie theater. Or seen a stove.
The average teenager today is engaged in sexual activity with at least two different partners for about 72 hours per week. And you can double that figure—for both cumulative time and number of partners—when LSD rave parties come into the picture.
A baby born this year will be controlled by tiny radios by the time it's 11.
Teenagers rarely use telephones to communicate with their friends anymore; if they want to talk to someone, they'll just meet people in witch cults in the mountains outside Olympia, Washington. Cell-phone service providers generally frustrate them, so they resort to making drugs or breaking into homes that appear to be vacant.
Teenage girls most identify with—and aspire to be similar to—singer-songwriter Sting, and enjoy using marking pens to write the phrase "Pee or fart on me" on unconscious peers.
The average American child today has, by the age of 12, tried marijuana at least once. By age 13, that same child has sold clean urine and the retinas of cadavers to spies, then committed suicide.
Eighty percent of the teenagers we spoke with admit to performing street theater in blackface, usually spitballing and showboating with a straight man or an "easy mark" audience plant.
Teenagers often affectionately greet adults with the phrase "Twat did you say?," which, loosely translated, is taken to mean "You're OK with me. You're in the club."
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Dan Kennedy's
Other Features.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Youth Culture Findings By Dan Kennedy
It's Not You, Iraq—It's Me By David Jaggard
A Letter to Prince Regarding the Crying of Doves and the Fiasco That Resulted From the Presentation of a Speech on That Topic By John Moe
Acoustic Citizen By Marco Kaye
Conversations My Parents Must Have Had While Planning to Raise a Child By Jen Statsky
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