Perfect for Mother's Day: the Baby Be of Use series or The Secret Language of Sleep. - - - - |
BABY 2.0.BY RAVI MANGLA- - - - 9:00 a.m. Baby takes Daddy's cell phone, makes $500 worth of calls to Venezuela, and sends 74 text messages. No, no, Baby. They can't wait until next year when Baby is finally old enough for her own cell phone. For now, they tell her to only use Daddy's phone for local calls. 9:01 a.m. Baby is flagged by U.S. intelligence. 10:00 a.m. Baby swallows Mommy's iPod Nano. Grandpa says, "Baby needs discipline." They take away Baby's coloring e-book and give her a box of crayons. She can't figure out how to fill in the pictures and pokes herself in the eye. They give Baby back her coloring 11:00 a.m. Mommy mistakes Baby's first words for a ballad by Air Supply. 12:00 p.m. Baby takes her laptop to the corner to play with the Rattle program. She eats cut-up organic corn dogs and falls asleep to Baby Einstein—Gangsta Rap. 2:00 p.m. Baby wakes up groggy. She drinks her post-nap macchiato from a sippy cup. It's too hot and she burns her tongue. Mommy whips up an iced cappuccino. Baby giggles and presses Enter several times on her Rattle program. Oh, Baby. 4:00 p.m. Baby bids for a life-size stuffed bear online. No, Baby, no. They temporarily freeze her credit card. She storms off huffily. 6:00 p.m. Baby orders several lewd pay-per-view movies on Daddy's credit card, leaves the TV running, and goes off to play tanning bed with her dolls (in the oven). Mommy gets into a spirited argument with Daddy. 6:09 p.m. The argument is interrupted when Mommy smells burning hair. 7:30 p.m. Firefighters cordon off the kitchen area and open the windows to drive out the smell. Baby gets to sit in the driver's seat of the fire truck. They give her a plastic fire hat and a handful of fire-department decals. 8:00 p.m. Baby sticks decals on Daddy's work shirts. 9:00 p.m. Baby defeats the Sigma Chi fraternity (Arizona State chapter) playing Madden NFL online. Go, Baby! 10:30 p.m. Baby resets TiVo to record reruns of The Wiggles. Mommy's show, The Hills, is skipped over. Bitter over the evening's transgressions, Daddy tells Baby off. Baby cries and complains on her blog. It is a sad day for Baby. 11:30 p.m. Baby bakes Mommy and Daddy free-trade low-carb soy cookies in her Easy-Bake Oven. They realize Baby is growing up and agree that it couldn't hurt if Baby got her first BlackBerry a few months short of her birthday. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Baby 2.0 By Ravi ManglaYouth Culture Findings By Dan Kennedy It's Not You, Iraq—It's Me By David Jaggard A Letter to Prince Regarding the Crying of Doves and the Fiasco That Resulted From the Presentation of a Speech on That Topic By John Moe Acoustic Citizen By Marco Kaye |
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