SERVICE CHANGES.
- - - -
5 Train: June 5, No Service
Why is service being changed?
Just a routine safety inspection. The Metropolitan Transportation Authority has had to step these up ever since we came across several stretches of track that were too corroded, too dilapidated, or too drawn in the dirt with a broom handle. In one instance, the rails simply terminated midtunnel near a Post-it note that read, "You get the gist."
C Train: June 11, No Service
Why is service being changed?
If you're anything like the MTA, you've looked down on the tracks and wondered if you could make a decent grilled-cheese sandwich on that third rail. Wondering is no longer sufficient for the Metropolitan Transportation Authority.
V Train: June 17–July 9, No Service
Why is service being changed?
It's afternoon rush hour. A man boards at Herald Square and proceeds to serenade your headache with a steel-drum version of Animotion's "Obsession." The MTA knows what you're thinking: "I wish they had some reverb-dampening panels installed, because the acoustics in here are keeping me from savoring this performance the way I'd like to." Well, you'll soon be enjoying the auditorium-quality commute you never thought possible. (A $14 Ticketmaster convenience fee will automatically be added to your fare.)
7 Train: June 19–July 19, No Service
Why is service being changed?
You know how ships used to have giant figureheads of mermaids or lions or dragons at the front of the vessel? Sure you do, and while standing in an overcrowded car rationing your oxygen supply with the daintiest nibbles of air, you've probably asked yourself, "Isn't it about time the MTA mounted colossal woodcarvings of the sea god Triton on all 7 trains?" The MTA agrees. It's not only about time—it's long overdue.
G Train: Service Will Be Disrupted as Long as Mr. Intellectual Thinks He's Too Wonderful to Convey Passengers
Why is service being changed?
Hey, don't ask the MTA. The MTA doesn't know what to do with the G train anymore. The MTA pleads and pleads, but the G train doesn't care. The MTA says, "Don't you feel bad that people say you're the slowest line in town?" The G train just shrugs and mumbles something about getting a bartending certificate or applying to film school. The MTA asks the G train if he's proud of who he is, and he says, "Read Philip Roth's The Human Stain. Maybe then you'll understand why your identity categories anguish me so." Personally, the MTA thinks he just needs a girlfriend.
K Train: Uh-oh
Why is service being changed?
The MTA didn't think the K train existed, either. Funny story, actually. It turns out that a K train actually went into service in the '70s but was never drawn onto the maps because the state never budgeted us a marker and a straightedge. So, we all sort of forgot about it for thirtysomething years; that is, until a couple of MTA police stumbled upon a train filled with passengers that we suspect weren't skeletons when they began their commute. The MTA regrets totally spacing on an artery of its mass-transit system.
W Train: June 22, No Service
Why is service being changed?
Because it's easier to irritate you this way, all right?
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Service Changes By Jason Roeder
A Word to the Graduates By David Holub
Contributor Bios for Mark as Spam Magazine, Issue Six By Angela Genusa
Lacanian Jokes of the Day By James Warner
The Opening Act From the Original, Unused Teleplay of Lost's Pilot Episode By Andrew Bridgman
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.