SOBERLY WRITTEN
DOCUMENTS RENDERED
AS COMIC-BOOK
DIALOGUE!
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Doctor's prognosis
I regret to inform you that your biopsy confirms you have Stage IV lung cancer! Due to the lateness of detection, and your five decades of smoking high-tar unfiltered cigarettes, the cancer has already metastasized to adjacent tissue! Although your options include chemotherapy and radiotherapy, the survival rate is so low for your peer group that I do not recommend treatment! Our best estimate is that you have four to six weeks to live! I am deeply sorry to give you this unwelcome news, and am available to discuss hospice care!
Corporation-wide memo
about downsizing
Clarkson & Armitage suffered major fourth-quarter losses as the majority of our investments failed to garner expected returns! We must implement widespread cost-cutting techniques in the coming year to recoup our losses! Our first priority is downsizing! Sectors that underperformed will be subject to comprehensive re-evaluation! Managers deemed responsible for negative profit margins will be demoted, transferred, or have their contracts terminated!
Statement of resignation
from political office
It is with a heavy heart that I address you today! Circumstances surrounding my personal life have recently gathered national attention, and the resulting welter of accusations, innuendo, and outright slander has made it impossible for me to focus on my work as a public servant! Therefore, with profound reluctance and sadness, I am submitting my resignation from office, effective immediately! Unfortunately, we still live in an age in which society looks askance at people like myself—hard-working, honest, compassionate Americans who engage in consensual acts of sexuality that deviate from the norm! It has been my great honor to have served you, and I close with some words from Gandhi: "Suffering, cheerfully endured, ceases to be suffering and is transmuted into an ineffable joy!"
Associated Press
news feed for Iraq
Four car bombs exploded in a crowded Baghdad market yesterday, injuring 18 and killing 9 Iraqis and 2 American soldiers! Four children were among the casualties! The explosions were the latest in a string of aggressive and bold acts by Al Qaeda! Mohammed Dulaimi, a rug merchant whose shop was destroyed, called life in Iraq a "nightmare!" and said, while surveying the rubble, "My family was killed last year! And now my livelihood is ruined! I do not see any reason for me to continue waking in the mornings!" Also, Al Jazeera released a video of insurgents holding an Australian Red Cross worker hostage! The video showed the captors brandishing machetes and demanding the immediate withdrawal of Australian troops as the unidentified worker pled for his life!
Breakup letter
Jane!
We both knew it would come to this! Things just haven't been the same between us—for a long time! We used to laugh all the time, but now all we seem to do is fight! Ultimately, I think you have an abiding resentment for me! I don't know if it's always been there and I never noticed, or if it started when I cheated on you! But I do know that it makes it impossible for me to truly love you! Sometimes I wonder if you ever loved me, or if you only loved the idea of me! What do you think?! I have gotten a lot out of this relationship, but it's time for it to end, before we start loathing each other! I hope we can still be friends, and I'm not just saying that!
Please don't hate me!
Phil!
P.S.! I'll get my stuff from your place on Tuesday while you're at work!
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Teddy Wayne's
Other Pieces.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Soberly Written Documents Rendered as Comic-Book Dialogue! By Teddy Wayne
Dionysus: Party Clown By Russell Bradbury-Carlin
A Field Guide to Your Family Reunion By Tom McGlaughlin Jr.
Miranda Warning: Iraq By Jonathan Stern
The Lost 28th Chapter of Leviticus Explains the Rules for Riding Shotgun By Steve Etheridge
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