CRISIS-AVERSION
INDEX CARDS THAT
GET ME THROUGH
A NORMAL DAY.
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Hey, bud! What're the tears for? Sometimes the inside bread wrapper is a little ripped open. No big deal. I'm sure it happened in transit. Do you know how far that bread had to travel to make it to your toaster, bro? Jostling happens, dude. Give it a squeeze. Pretty soft, huh? Am I right? That feels pretty fresh, bro. Now grab a couple awesome slices and toast away! You're in for a treat!
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So, you didn't get a seat on the subway. There's no reason to cry, little dude! Look around! You see all those beautiful people standing? You're one of them! Look how tall you seem next to those seated around you! Why don't you tuck your blanket into your bag now, OK? It's OK to have a security blanket, but let's pull it out only when we really need it, all right? There you go, bud! Just think, the next time you get a seat on the subway, it's gonna be awesome!
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You can't cut in line at Starbucks, chief, or you get yelled at. We've been over this. Take a deep breath, brocephus. That's it, just calm down for a sec. Wipe your eyes and reassess. OK, look around. Here you are at the back of the line, feeling a little humiliated. How many people do you count in front of you? Fifteen? Twenty? People like Starbucks, bro. Fact of life. And all these people deserve it just as much as you do. So you can't walk in and expect to go to the head of the line just because you're in a great mood after beating an elderly Asian woman to a seat on the subway. Be patient, bro. Count bald dudes or something. You'll have your pipin'-hot joe in no time.
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Jennings is not the devil. He just works in accounting. His lazy eye is scary, but Jennings is not the devil. He just works in accounting. His lazy eye is scary, but Jennings is not the devil. He just works in accounting. His lazy eye is scary, yes.
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That's your phone ringing, brodski. Yup. Phones ring, man, that's what they do. What comes next? You got it, bro! That's right, gotta pick it up. And what do we say when we put the receiver to our ear? Right! Nice work. Now go for it, bro. So what if it's Boss? It might not be. What if it's those cool Morning Zoo DJs and you've won a prize? You never know, bro! I'd say it's worth the gamble, huh? It's not ringing anymore, is it? All right, bud. Next time it rings, don't look at this card, just pick it up.
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She say no again, broheim? All right, all right, quit your whimpering and let's break this down: Leslie's married, right? And you ask her out to Houlihan's for happy hour, every single day, right? Time to strategize, bro-bro. First off, no matter who it is, the likelihood of them saying yes when you sneak up behind them at the copier is very slim. And lose the erection, OK, bud? You're getting a little ahead of yourself. What say we go back to our desk and have a peanut-butter cup? Hm? There's always tomorrow, dude!
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I know it's crowded in here, little man. It's happy hour! So lose that sob face and get happy, broheim. Order yourself up a Budweiser Select and get to maxin' and relaxin', coach. Squeaky wheel gets the grease, chief, so hustle up to the bar and get noticed. Once you have an ice-cold Bud Select in your mitts, you can chill like you're ill! Couldn't do it, could you, bro? YOU CAN'T SMACK THE BARTENDER AND EXPECT A DRINK, BRO. Oh, bro. I feel for you. Let's cut our losses and get on the subway, what do you say? Yeah, you can pull your blanket out—why not?
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It's OK to wear just a T-shirt to bed, manbo. It's your bed; you can sleep in it how you want. Why you crying again, bud? I know it's been a long, hard day, coz. But guess what? Tomorrow is a new one, and your trusty index cards will be right here to help you out. We'll never leave your side, bro! So put your head down on the pillow, close those eyes, and get dreamin'! It's OK to leave the light on.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Crisis-Aversion Index Cards That Get Me Through a Normal Day By Ted Travelstead
A Literary Critic Reviews My Résumé By Kent Woodyard
From The Clog: Manchester, Vermont's Insider Gossip Blog for Plumbers By Teddy Wayne
I Am the King of Household Design By Rosser Clark
Loosely Based Characters By Stacey Landowne
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