GODZILLA'S
FOOD, EXERCISE,
AND DREAM DIARY.
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12:58 AM: Breakfast: Two schools of fish from Tokyo Bay. Calories: 782,000. How I was feeling when I ate this: confused, irradiated, hating my size.
1:00 AM: Exercise: Swipe fishing boats with claws, sinking them (20 reps). Calories burned: 540,000. (Not enough!)
1:15 AM: Exercise: Smash off top half of Tokyo Hilton. Calories burned: 210,000. Still not enough.
1:17 AM: Snack: Five Tokyo Hilton guests and contents of hotel restaurant's fish and lobster tanks. Calories: 1,002,800. Feeling: self-loathing.
1:20 AM: Snack: City bus passengers (18). (Driver fell out when I shook bus). Calories: 3,456,000. Feeling: numb, huge.
1:25 AM: Return to bay. Submerge. Rest.
Dream: I was small. Normal sized for a reptile. I played with other reptile friends. Everyone liked me. I sunned myself on a huge rock. I caught a fly on my tongue. I saw my friend smashed under a bus (passengers had same faces as people I ate earlier) and it was sad but right because buses are supposed to be bigger than reptiles.
11:30 AM: Lunch: Barnacles from hull of cruise ship, school of fish, eel colony, pod of whales, and a giant squid family. Calories: 20,839,000 Feeling: hopeful.
11:35 AM: Exercise: Tail thrashing to destroy bayside warehouses. (One set of eight, slow pace. Two sets of 16, medium pace. Repeat to exhaustion.) Calories burned: 42,000,000.
11:37 AM: Exercise: "Taxi Stomp" (alternating legs, for 30 blocks). Calories burned: 148,900,183.
11:50 AM: Exercise: Breathe fire at attacking airplanes. Calories burned: 5,342,000
11:55 AM: Snack: Pilots and parachutes. (27) Calories: 5,342,000. (Why bother to exercise?) Feeling: defensive, misunderstood, freakishly colossal.
12:00 PM: Hike to countryside. Find hiding place in forest cave. Rest.
Dream: I was cold-blooded. Normal temperature for a reptile. I blinked very slowly. I sat very still. My metabolism was slow but it was supposed to be that way because it was hard for me to find food. My father was there and he fell in a bucket and the sides were too steep for him to get out. He swam around until he got exhausted and drowned, but that was okay because reptiles are not supposed to be able to just climb out of any pool of water. Especially Tokyo Bay. I am enormous and unsightly!
5:01 PM: Snack: Rainwater that pooled in my own giant footprint while I slept. Herd of drowned deer. Calories: 25,600. Feeling: disgust.
5:03 PM: Exercise: Hike in direction of Mt. Fuji, only place with shadow big enough to cover me so I can freeze to death. Calories burned: Who cares?
8:00 PM: Snack: Suburban Tokyo pony ride ponies. Calories: 8,640,000. Feeling: Mad because I was going in wrong direction because of cloud cover and missed turn for Mt. Fuji, stupid, gigantic.
8:03 PM: Snack: Tsukiji Fish Market and a Wasabi pea factory. Calories: 510,000,034. I hate myself!
8:10 PM: Snack: Tofu processing plant, green tea ice cream warehouse, and a cream puff bakery. Who can count? I can't stop! I hate the scientists who did this to me!
8:14 PM: Exercise: "Terror Lifts." Hold one elevated train car in each paw, alternating lunges. Calories burned: 1,687,000.
8:57 PM: Exercise: Destroy bridge, military vehicles, mobile science labs. Calories burned: 100,842,000.
9:00 PM: Return to bay. Drift seaward.
Dream: I was with a female reptile just like me—we were both normal sized. We ate grub bugs. We were diurnal. My three-chambered heart was happy. Then she laid eggs the size of Mt. Fuji. They had been irradiated by new atomic experiments! When will humans learn? First, I was horrified. Then realized I loved my children no matter what their size. Built a nest for hatchlings with crushed taxis.
10:01 PM: Dinner: Three flocks of migrating birds, lichen from sea rocks, and a seal lost from the aquarium. Calories: 2,312,700. Feeling: resigned.
10:58 PM: Bedtime Snack: Lone orca. Calories: 1,200,018 Feeling: tired, fat, alone. But maybe someone can love me even if I am huge.
11:00 PM: Exercise: Divert torpedo back to submarine. Destroy submarine fleet. Calories burned: 254,078,969.
Totals: Calories consumed: 553,600,152 Calories burned: 553,600,152. Deficit: None. Projected weight loss: Zero. Feeling: Hope I dream of nice female reptile again.
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To delve further into Godzilla's hopes, fears, and dreams, please read this funny entry from our archives.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Godzilla's Food, Exercise, and Dream Diary By Kate Hahn
Campaign E-mails from the Donahue Family Pet Debate By Johnny McNulty
Cellar Videocassette from the Salisbury House, United Kingdom, 1990-2000, VHS/PAL By Louise Phillips
If the Manhattan Project Worked Like My College Group Projects Do By Alex Schmidt
Selections from the Glossary to the 1911 Writer's Market (Bierce, ed.) By Matthew David Brozik
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