A PRAGMATIC ROMANTIC SAYS FAREWELL TO
HIS LOVER.
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Babe, my flight is starting to board. But this isn't goodbye; it's merely one small phase in our relationship because even though I won't be here physically, I will still be around you spiritually. That's right: My love for you is so profound that I will transcend my body and manifest myself in a myriad of ways.
Like on those sunny days when you feel the warm rays of the sun kissing your face and the wind blowing through your hair—that's going to be me caressing your porcelain face. Or on that cold winter night when the first snowflake descends from the sky and lands on your nose—that's going to be me giving you a gentle kiss. And during the moments when you randomly get goosebumps, you better believe that's me tickling you.
But I don't want to give you the wrong impression, pumpkin. I'm not going to be behind every sign. For example, if you feel aching sensations at the back of your jaw then that's not me—that's your wisdom teeth. It's imperative you make a dentist appointment ASAP. If you don't get them taken care of at the first sign then you'll face further complications down the road, baby.
Or if you are about to unlock your car in a parking garage and you feel hot air on the back of your neck, that's not me—that's a mugger. Get out your mace, buttercup, and stop that man from robbing and assaulting you.
And if your stomach starts to rumble after you eat a bagel, that's not me—that's celiac disease. Make some dramatic dietary changes and lay off the gluten, sweetheart. Or if you are just lying around your house all day and you inexplicably feel lightheaded, that's not me—that's carbon monoxide poisoning. Leave your house immediately, babe, and get it inspected. Carbon monoxide is a silent killer that ravages thousands of homes a year.
Also, if you travel to Central America and subsequently discover a series of pulsating bumps on the back of your head, that's not me—that's a botfly. You've got parasites living in your flesh, baby. Get those removed before they hatch on your pillow and find another host.
Oh no. Love of my life, please don't cry. I don't mean to scare you. For every potential bad omen there will be a favorable one. Just remember, when you are laying in bed and you feel your left arm become numb—that's me, holding onto you tight... or it's a stroke. Take a couple of aspirin and go to the nearest ER. You know, just in case, baby.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
A Pragmatic Romantic Says Farewell to His Lover By Spencer Ham
Patronizing the Arts By Josh Silverstein
The Allegory of the Beer Cave By Craig Klein
I Am Locking the Wikipedia Article On Our Sex Life By Alan Trotter
A Former Investment Banking Analyst Falls Back on Plan B By Helen Coster
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