THE 4-YEAR-OLD
CRASH-LANDS IN
THE ANDES.
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Day 1
Regain consciousness inside wreckage. Crawl on hands and knees over bodies to escape twisted, half-buried fuselage. Crawl back inside fuselage to retrieve favorite stuffed friend, Mr. Mookie.
Come upon tour guide Miguel wandering around the wreckage in a daze. Tell him to be quiet because everyone on the plane is sleeping.
Miguel begins erecting a shelter from pieces of strewn sheet metal. Get excited about playing house and call dibs on being the "daddy."
Miguel explains that it could be a long time before rescuers arrive. Realize with relief that starvation won't be a problem thanks to all the delicious snow.
Day 2
After we spend a cold night in the shelter, Miguel retrieves extra clothing from bodies in the plane. Put on bloodied winter parka and size 10 shoes. Walk proudly up to Miguel and exclaim, "Look! I'm a big person!"
Assist Miguel in spelling out the word "HELP" in the snow but get distracted making snow angels.
Suffer first bout of depression due to withdrawal from Disney videos.
Day 3
Miguel discovers airplane's damaged radio. I insist on having a turn at the controls and start by shouting, "This is the police!" Then break into a rendition of "YMCA."
Day 4
Trust in Miguel is betrayed after spending day with tongue stuck to metal fuselage.
Day 7
Food supply severely rationed. Light-headedness sets in, along with feelings of irritation and paranoia. No longer on speaking terms with Mr. Mookie.
Day 10
Miguel suggests tearfully that we may have to resort to cannibalism. Reply excitedly, "Canbelvision! Is it like television?" Miguel proceeds to explain the concept. Experience wave of revulsion combined with vivid wish for ketchup.
Day 12
Locked in fuselage with sleeping friends as a result of Miguel's lack of appreciation for "repeat everything you say" game. Amuse self by putting on dangling oxygen mask and pretending to be Darth Vader.
Escape through hole in fuselage to find Miguel gone. Create "I'm All Alone" song, whose lyrics include, "I'm all alone, I'm all alone, I'm all alone, and my bum's cold when I do number two." Reconcile with Mr. Mookie.
Day 14
Helicopter appears over horizon and sets down in clearing. Crawl out of carry-on bag to greet rescuers. Accept emergency attention before boarding helicopter. Wave bye-bye to sleeping friends. Ask to fly helicopter.
- - - -
Previously:
The 4-Year-Old
Is Busted for DWI,
The 4-Year-Old's Workday,
The 4-Year-Old on a Blind Date,
The 4-Year-Old Enters Anger Management,
The 4-Year-Old Appears on Deal or No Deal,
and The 4-Year-Old Finds Religion.
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
The 4-Year-Old Crash-Lands in the Andes By Ross Murray
Excerpts From the Most Popular Selections in the Superhero Library By G. Xavier Robillard
Rod Blagojevich Writes 25 Things About Himself on Facebook By Sean Carman
US Airways Flight 1549: It Just Doesn't Add Up By Miles Kahn and Stuart Miller
Nathaniel Hawthorne's Profferings of Wisdom Concerning the Adversities of Butterface Dating: The Lost Fragments By Fortunato Salazar
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