EXECUTIVES-ONLY
VERSION OF RECENT
AIG SECURITY
MEMORANDUM.
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To: AIG Executives
From: AIG Corporate Security
Subject: Updated Security Notification
Due to a growing sense of public attention fueled by increased media scrutiny, AIG Corporate Security would like to highlight certain protective measures all employees can take in order to increase their overall safety and security. This memorandum is specifically tailored toward our top-level executives, and contains information unavailable to regular AIG employees.
- Be mindful at all times of your surroundings, especially if you are surrounded by a large group of very angry people you do not recognize. These are taxpayers.
- Avoid wearing any apparel (bags, shirts, gold chains, tiaras) that clearly bears the company insignia. Try your best to blend in with the commoners. Recommended disguises include Versace, H. Huntsman, and Ralph Lauren (no Purple Label, of course).
- When exiting the building, ensure that any badges bearing the AIG insignia are not visible. Also, these will probably no longer work for free shoeshines in the lobby.
- If wary of leaving through the main lobby, consider using your Platinum Access card to gain entry to the roof and have one of the company helicopters take you where you need to go. (Note: If no helicopters are available, DO NOT, under any circumstances, use one of the Golden Parachutes. The public, we discovered, has begun to notice these.)
- Trust AIG Corporate Security foremost. Other law enforcement or regulatory officials may ask difficult questions. Avoid them if possible.
- Be aware of individuals who appear out of place (cretins) or are spending unusual amounts of time outside the facility (street people). Assume for your own safety that everyone harbors ill will toward you (jealousy) and wishes you gross harm (bludgeoning).
- Unless they are offering to get/carry/polish something for you, report any person not recognizable as a mid- to top-tier AIG co-worker immediately.
- Consider carrying a whistle or an air horn for precarious situations. If in trouble, sound the alarm. All other AIG executives within the vicinity will know to run away from the sound.
- When leaving at night, always travel accompanied by your personal security minion on the way to your town car or limousine (preferably limousine).
- Avoid public transit, for obvious reasons.
- Keep several stacks of money on your person at all times. If, upon entering or exiting the building, you find yourself suddenly encircled by an irate mob, throw these piles of money up into the air (small bills will work). This will distract the mob and cause it to destroy itself.
- If cornered and desperate, find the nearest nicely dressed older gentleman, point, and yell, "Look! It's Bernard Madoff!" Not likely to work, but worth a shot.
- Avoid public conversations and media questions about AIG. If someone asks, smile vapidly and tell them you work for MCA, MGM, or any other monogrammed corporation, preferably one in the entertainment/media industry. Entertainment is an opiate for the masses and will distract them while you escape. (Give autographs or accept unsolicited scripts as necessary.)
- Run from and then report any individual in or around the building who cannot successfully complete the Million-Dollar-Handshake Shimmy.
- Under no circumstances should you provide financial information over the phone, through e-mail, or via personal remote satellite. Keep all financial records on your person at all times, in a locked combination briefcase handcuffed to both wrists or to one wrist and one (opposite) ankle.
- If you think you are being followed, immediately dial 911, especially if your pursuer is carrying a baseball bat or a summons.
- Ensure visitors are escorted at all times by an authorized (armed) AIG employee. Visitors found without an escort will be forcibly removed from the premises (read: tased).
- Report any windows, locks, or doors that are broken or appear tampered with, and the custodial staff will immediately fix these security breaches and then be blamed for their initial presence.
- Be smart! In a "fight or flight" situation, it is almost always best to retreat. Do not take unnecessary risks. For many of you, this will be impossible.
- Wear comfortable shoes with good arch support at all times, because you can afford to.
Again, dial 911 immediately if anything or anyone seems, looks, or smells out of the ordinary. We urge employees to continue to remain vigilant until this crisis has passed. Good luck.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Executives-Only Version of Recent AIG Security Memorandum By Eric Feezell
I Am Not on a Roll By Ellie Kemper
Chip Tusken: Road-Sign Writer By Kenny Byerly
Cover Stories From the Most-Requested Back Issues of The American Prognosticator (1853–1987) By Curtis Edmonds and Ryan Garcia
Emotional State 3A By Stephen Dau
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