KEEPING UP
WITH THE CARDASSIANS
EPISODE GUIDE.
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Episode One
Garak gets busted for a DUI and is caught on tape assaulting the officer and blaming his troubles on Klingon bloodwine. The Cardassians are accused of using photon torpedoes on paparazzi who are trying to snap photos of them at the Playboy Mansion.
Episode Two
A sex tape featuring Legate Damar's daughter Kata and two Ferengi club owners circulates around the Federation of Planets. Dukat posts a rant on his blog dissing Snoop Dogg and starts a West Coast–Delta Quadrant rap war.
Episode Three
Legate Damar's daughters want Lil Wayne to sing at their sweet-16 party. After much convincing, Lil Wayne agrees to do it in exchange for a Galor-class starship with custom Romulan rims. Garak's daughter Seska drops a record and sets out on a tour to promote her new single, "Touch My Nebula."
Episode Four
Kata runs into the cast of The Hills at Forty Deuce and renews her fling with Brody. They get into a fight in the parking lot and a YouTube clip shows Kata crying and telling Brody, "I can't read your mind—I'm not a Betazoid!"
Episode Five
The Damar girls go shopping on Rodeo Drive and their intergalactic MasterCard is denied. They call their father, who tells them money doesn't grow in replicators. Seska meets the Jonas Brothers on tour; rumors of Joe Jonas caressing her neck ridges at a Grammy party surface on Perez Hilton.
Season Finale
Kata is approached by Joe Francis to host Borgs Gone Wild 2: Resistance to Flashing Is Futile. She accepts and has a tearful goodbye with the Hilton sisters at a club. Seska starts dating Mickey Rourke, who acknowledges her in an award-acceptance speech as "my ridge-headed angel."
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Keeping Up With the Cardassians Episode Guide By Rupinder Gill
Round and a Bout: An Earth Ball Gets Into It With Hannity, Limbaugh, and Steele By Ben Greenman
I Feel Like You Should Have a New Opinion of Me By Mikael Awake
From My Unfinished Doctoral Dissertation on Breakfast Cereals By Dave Frye
This Recession Is Awesome! By Lucas Kavner
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