THE ASSETS
AT UNITED STATES
TREASURY—ENTER A
WORLD OF FINANCIAL
INDULGENCE.
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Viewing The Assets at United States Treasury is like stepping into a bygone time, when Masters of the Universe ruled Wall Street with imaginations as notorious as their bonuses. Assembled by expert collector Henry Paulson, in close cooperation with current curator Timothy Geithner, this exquisite compilation of collateralized debt obligations, mortgage-backed securities, and credit-default swaps recalls an era of true extravagance, when governments said they could create their own reality. And it's that reality that The Assets at United States Treasury hopes to re-create, in a private-public partnership ... with you.
Offered here for the first time, these assets provide the discerning buyer an opportunity to experience the intoxicating hauteur of a once-powerful empire. Here is but a sample:
For High Rollers Only
Las Vegas ... a boomtown where fortunes are made and lost overnight. Now it's your turn to spin the wheel with this hand-selected tranche of mortgage-backed securities, which includes the note on a dental-office building with ground-floor retail in Henderson, Nevada. Experience a thrill heretofore unknown by even the wealthiest of the Vegas "whales" as a country's economy rises or falls on your roll of the dice!
A Green Opportunity
Irreplaceable old-growth forests in the legendary Great Smoky Mountains, whose development was the work of centuries, were leveled to build the development whose mortgages form part of this MBS. Buyers with similar patience may well find their own windfalls long after this "perfect storm" is over. Will you lure bill-paying home owners into your subdivisions with slashed prices, or leave these new homes to the families of stray bobcats living in them now? According to our experts, there's never been a better time to do both. Only Nature can make a forest, but only man can turn that forest into paper; and now it's up to you to turn that paper into something that's actually valuable.
Spirit of Adventure
You don't have to understand how the engine of a Ferrari works to savor its unmistakable performance, or how the dimples in a golf ball cause it to fly over the fairways of Scotland's historic St. Andrews. Likewise, our credit-default swaps are an investment best enjoyed with a luxurious helping of the unknown. To purchase one of these swaps, each of which is three times bigger than the American economy, is to truly feel the power that mystery can hold.
Foreign Assets? Mais Oui!
It's a small world after all, and The Assets at United States Treasury is pleased to open its doors to some of the world's most prestigious banks, whose names and logos are seen on soccer jerseys worldwide. Whether the bankers at those banks, now shirtless, spoke Japanese, French, German, or Swiss, their assets all speak the same sophisticated language—one of infinite hope, with a faint but unmistakable accent of impetuous cupidity.
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Best of all, the staff of The Assets at United States Treasury is ready and eager to assist you in your purchase at the most advantageous terms imaginable. Speak to one of our representatives today (do not speak to your representatives, as they are not allowed oversight) and we'll get you started.
The Assets at United States Treasury. Finally—you can realize your dream, by owning ours. Euros preferred.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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The Assets at United States Treasury—Enter a World of Financial Indulgence By Chris Marcil and Sam Johnson
The Sexually Fluid Person's Guide to a Seamlessly Uneventful Coming Out By Amy York Rubin
Mongo: The Animal That Taught Me Things and Changed Lives By Jennifer Kahn and Evan Ratliff
Truly Groundbreaking Marketing Research: Understanding Twitter By Dan Kennedy
Executives-Only Version of Recent AIG Security Memorandum By Eric Feezell
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