- - - -
Just in time for Valentine's Day,
the Guardian in London has
reviewed and raved about
The Secret Language of Sleep.
And, for the rest of the week,
you can buy it for $5!
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E-MAIL FROM YOUR FACILITIES DEPARTMENT.BY RICK STOECKEL- - - - From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.comTo: Everyone Chicago Office Subject: Power Outage Just wanted to shoot out a quick e-mail. As you're probably aware, the building suffered a major power surge twenty minutes ago. Backup generators were implemented, and power should be restored to the whole firm now. Please e-mail facilities with any questions. Thank you. - - - - From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.comTo: Everyone Chicago Office Subject: Re: Power Outage IT informs me that although power is back up, many of our network programs are still down. They are working to restore normal operations. I've received some e-mail asking me if the surge had anything to do with the giant alien creature that's currently terrorizing the city. Yes, I believe it did. - - - - From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.comTo: Everyone Chicago Office Subject: Charity Casual Day!!! Reminder: charity casual day tomorrow in support of Girl Scouts of America. For five dollars you can wear jeans, sneakers, and casual clothing while supporting a great cause. - - - - From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.comTo: Everyone Chicago Office Subject: Re: Power Outage In response to numerous e-mails, I have no idea what planet the giant alien creature is from. Judging from its enormous gills, I'd have to guess it's from a watery planet. But would a monster from a water-based planet also be able to shoot fire from its mouth? I'm not sure. Reminder: please let me know if you plan to be in the office on Memorial Day so I can request HVAC for your floor. - - - - From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.comTo: Everyone Chicago Office Subject: Spam Filter As a result of the ongoing disaster, Outlook's spam filter is not working properly. We are also experiencing a high volume of Internet usage, and it is slowing down our system. Please refrain from accessing streaming video footage of the large monster that is attacking the city. If you want to see the monster, the best way is to simply look out the window, as it's currently demolishing the Cold Stone Creamery across the street. - - - - From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.comTo: Everyone Chicago Office Subject: Maintenance Issue Thank you for your e-mails. We are aware of the enormous hole on the 18th floor, and we have sent a member of the maintenance crew to clean up the debris. - - - - From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.comTo: Everyone Chicago Office Subject: Beware of False Rumors Some of you may have heard rumors that the alien monster has been shooting off smaller, more agile monsters, which are now scaling our building and entering through the cracked windows on the 14th floor. Those rumors are false. The monster is not shooting off smaller monsters. This is pure paranoia. However, the problem with Outlook's spam filter is real. We should all treat this seriously and report any suspicious e-mails to IT. - - - - From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.comTo: Everyone Chicago Office Subject: Dress Code Casual day is not until this Friday. We have received numerous reports of employees running through the halls shirtless and bleeding. If a client is visiting, this can be seen as unprofessional. Any questions about dress code should be directed to HR. - - - - From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.comTo: Everyone Chicago Office Subject: Shhhhh! It's a Surprise!!! Next Thursday the girls in word processing are throwing a surprise bridal shower for Sylvia Juaregui who is set to marry Roger Garcia, a paralegal in the real estate group. You can drop off donations for a cash gift with me or with anyone in facilities. Let's make Sylvia's bridal shower unforgettable! - - - - From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.comTo: Everyone Chicago Office Subject: Re: Beware of False Rumors Correction: smaller monsters are indeed branching off of the large creature and infesting our building. Please avoid the cafeteria, as the monsters are currently destroying the vending machines and spraying acid on the new carpeting near the elevators. The cleaning crew has been called to the scene. - - - - From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.comTo: Everyone Chicago Office Subject: Firm Meeting I was just informed by the CEO that all employees should report to the conference room on the 20th floor for a mandatory emergency meeting. Mr. Marget will fill everyone in at that time. Thank you. - - - - From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.comTo: Everyone Chicago Office Subject: Lost and Found A broken red high heel shoe and a Blackberry were found next to the large hole on the 18th floor. If these belong to you please contact facilities to claim them. - - - - From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.comTo: Everyone Chicago Office Subject: Re: Firm Meeting Unfortunately, the meeting with Mr. Marget on the 20th floor has been canceled due to him being captured by the small monsters that have infested the firm. Also because the 20th floor is completely engulfed in flames. - - - - From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.comTo: Everyone Chicago Office Subject: Surprise!!! Update Sylvia's bridal shower is now on hold. As many of you are probably aware, the monsters have implanted their eggs in Roger's thighs. We'll reschedule the shower at a later date, depending on how he makes out. - - - - From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.comTo: Everyone Chicago Office Subject: Catering Tip Todd from catering sends word that the monsters are allergic to caffeine. A group of secretaries found one of the creatures shriveled up and covered in what they believed to be Pepsi residue. The catering staff quickly created Pepsi cocktails and coffee bombs to beat back the creature onslaught. Power is restored to nearly every floor with the exception of the 20th floor, which no longer exists, and the 18th southwest corner where there is still an enormous hole. - - - - From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.comTo: Everyone Chicago Office Subject: Fresca A group of the smaller monsters are approaching my cubicle. I've found a half-drunken can of Fresca in a wastebasket. Anyone know if Fresca has caffeine? Also, in the future please be sure to separate recyclable material, like cans and bottles, from the general trash. - - - - From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.comTo: Everyone Chicago Office Subject: Re: Fresca Fresca does not contain caffeine. If anyone knows how to apply a proper tourniquet please come to the janitor's closet on the 17th floor as soon as possible. I have a letter from the State of New York Insurance Department addressed to the Municipal & Infrastructure Assurance Corporation. Please advise if this belongs to you. − Sent from my iPhone − - - - - From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.comTo: Everyone Chicago Office Subject: Early Closure The firm is closing early today. The Word Processing department will be open until 4 PM. The Mail Room will be operating until 7 PM or until the building is destroyed, whichever comes first. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - E-Mail From Your Facilities Department By Rick StoeckelCorporate Folktales: How Bernanke Tackled the Depression, as Recorded 150 Years From Now by Post-Apocalyptic Hobo Folklorists By Grant Munroe Traveling Europe In Style With Auckland Dingiroo, Dark-Age Tourist and Critic of Food and Drink: People I've Met By John Hallmann Yoga Proverbs By Crystal Schachter Quick Pitches: The Romantic Comedy By Pasha Malla |
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