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THE FICO SOLILOQUY.BY KIRIN McCRORY- - - - To charge, or not to charge: that is the question:Whether 'tis nobler in the bank to suffer The stings and errors of outdated fashion, Or to take cards against a 'drobe of troubles, And by purchasing end them? To buy: to shop; No more; and by a shop to say we spend The hard-earned and the thousand remaining bucks That we were heir to, 'tis a materialism Devoutly to be wish'd. To buy, to shop; To shop: perchance to spend: ay, there's the rub; For in that shop of death what debts may come When we have shuffled out of this Macy's coil, Must give us pause: there's the respect That makes a credit score of so long life; For who would bear the quips and scorns of Tim, The debt collector, a proud man, an asshole, Who calls me day and night and seriously Needs to check his fucking attitude because He sounds like the most depressed human being, And he still tries to ruin my life? Ahem, With "card rejection?" who would Walmart bear, To grunt and "save" under fluorescent lights, But that the dread of bankrupting from debt, The undiscover'd country from whose bourn No fashionista returns, puzzles the will And makes us rather bear those frills we have Than buy designers that we dream not of? Thus credit does make cowards of us all; And thus the newest shoe of Chris Louboutin Is sicklied o'er with the pale price of thought, And enterprises of great fit and label With this regard their hangers turn awry, And lose the name of purchase. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - The FICO Soliloquy By Kirin McCroryAn Infant Ponders the Tabula Rasa By Kent Woodyard E-Mail From Your Facilities Department By Rick Stoeckel Corporate Folktales: How Bernanke Tackled the Depression, as Recorded 150 Years From Now by Post-Apocalyptic Hobo Folklorists By Grant Munroe Traveling Europe In Style With Auckland Dingiroo, Dark-Age Tourist and Critic of Food and Drink: People I've Met By John Hallmann |
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