DECLARATIONS
OF CONJUGAL
INTEREST FROM THE
MASSACHUSETTS
FEDERALIST, 1733.
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"Any Bathsheba's Out There?" − SWM
Wherefore art ye slovenly damsels? Mine temperature is pres'ntly mild, but perchance some licentious dansings might escalate it to fever! Abscond ye to the yard abafft the schoolhouse on the seconde day of the waxing gibbus, just as the eve's funerals dismiss. Ware yore hair as a large bush, and don a frocke with greatly immoderate sleeves and white worsted stockings and tantalysing muffs. Find me a'sweat and taunt me as a stubberne horse. Wring me by mine ear! And then we shall rigadoon till our foots prune in thare own bloode.
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"Let Us Produce Progeny" − SWM
I long for a goodly Christian woman w'out defectt, one with hips so round as like a wagon wheel but for the making of many infantt childrens. Their names will be such: Gershom (man), Charity (woman), Parvis (man), Silence (woman), Guthrie (man), Mauth (woman). They shall behave.
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"Knees-a-Quakin'" − SWM
In God's land is there any such courtship as a Quaker courtship? Nay! Agreeable woman of my moist sleep, permit me to escort thee on an early day of cock-squoiling and wolff-baiting, after which I shall watch thou byte bread to know the myte of thy teeth! If thou art corpulent, please do not consider these words.
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"Share Mine Agony" − SWM
Lonesome tanner. Wage of twelve pounds, seven shillings in the year. Owner of several goode hats. I seek a woman in her eleventh yeare of age or more, faire skinn-ed so as to appear sickly, and of dignified carriage. Her posture shall be impecc'bly erect, so much that folkes often inquire where she found such a stiff coat. If not erect to my liking, I shall contrive a busk of whalebone or small-grain'd wood to correkt her spine. I will teache her to suffer for the Lord.
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"Hungry For Woman" − SWM
I am needing a bigge woman that takes goode joy in householde duties. Book lairnin ot not be of necessitee, but shee should know how to cooke these meales: boilt pork, psalted flummery, candeed orange peel, ches nutts with smok befe, cornpone, low-carb cornpone, milk pottage, and pickl't rabbitface.
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"Wildly Contrite" − SWM
Father needs a thoro' trouncing like how it happens in the schools, yes oh yes, with a loud-smacking ferule of oak or hick'ry. My behavyore has been that of a bad, bad boy. Dost thou like these truncated schuse of buff-ed leather? And this befrogged overcoat and cuirass hardly conseeling this sinewy anattomy? Yes? Then perhaps thou need'st the sting of the rod as well! What greater engagement than the one wrought in penance? Let us self-flagellate till wholly drain't of heresy!
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Declarations of Conjugal Interest from the Massachusetts Federalist, 1733 By Steve Etheridge
I Can Triple Your Sales or Income With My Simple Sex/Heroin System By Dan Kennedy
Residents of Avon, Connecticut Respond to the Economic Crisis By Michael Hoven
Conversations I Imagine My 10-Year-Old and 7-Year-Old Have About Me When They See Each Other in the Hallway at School By Jamie Allen
Bikram Writing 101 By Liz Worthy
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