GREAT MOMENTS
IN CINEMA
RUINED BY COOKIES.
BY BENJAMIN PERCY
- - - -
UNFORGIVEN
THE SCHOFIELD KID (After killing a man for the first time.): It don't seem real ... how he ain't gonna never breathe again, ever ... how he's dead. And the other one too. All on account of pulling a trigger.
WILL MUNNY: It's a hell of a thing, killing a man. Take away all he's got and all he's ever gonna have.
THE SCHOFIELD KID: Yeah, well, I guess they had it coming.
WILL MUNNY: We all got it coming, kid. Cookie?
THE SCHOFIELD KID: What kind?
WILL MUNNY: M&M.
THE SCHOFIELD KID: That's my favorite.
WILL MUNNY: They're really good.
(WILL MUNNY then pulls from his pocket a rainbow M&M cookie, breaks it in two, and offers half to THE SCHOFIELD KID. They sit at the base of a gnarled pine tree and, with steely eyes, eat the cookie.)
- - - -
JAWS
(CHIEF BRODY sits at the stern of the boat with a bucket full of chocolate chip cookies next to him. He takes a handful of cookies and tosses them into water behind the boat.)
BRODY: "Slow ahead." I can go slow ahead. Come on down here and chum some of this shit.
(He throws more cookies. Soon the water is swarming with cookies that bleed their chocolate and turn the waves a muddy brown. The shark rises up and swallows a mouthful of them. BRODY rises and walks slowly backward into the cabin with a cigarette dangling from his lips.)
BRODY: We're going to need a bigger cookie.
- - - -
RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK
(As the booby-trapped ruins crumble all around him, INDIANA JONES stands on one side of the gaping chasm − clutching an enormous Aztec cookie − while SATIPO waits on the other, bullwhip coiled in his hand.)
INDIANA JONES: Give me the whip.
SATIPO: Throw me the cookie. No time to argue. Throw me cookie, I'll throw you the whip.
(INDIANA JONES throws the cookie across the chasm and SATIPO catches it and holds it up to the light and licks his lips.)
SATIPO: At last.
INDIANA JONES: Give me the whip.
SATIPO: Adiós, señor.
(SATIPO teasingly brandishes the cookie before vanishing into the shadows.)
- - - -
THE GODFATHER
(Morning. A stucco mansion with a blue, shimmering pool. Inside, the silver-haired JACK WOLTZ sleeps in a king-sized bed with a Rococo frame. He rustles awake and blinks with a foggy awareness that something is amiss. He peels back his silk sheets, at first slowly, and then in a panicked rush, discovering that someone has secreted under the covers ... a plate of oatmeal raison cookies! The crumbs are everywhere. He lets out a long wail at the mess he will have to clean up.)
- - - -
IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE
GEORGE: What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want a cookie? Just say the word and I'll throw a batch in the oven and wait twenty minutes and pull them out. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you a cookie, Mary.
MARY: I'll take it. Then what?
GEORGE: Well, then you can swallow it, and it'll all dissolve, see ... and milk-chocolaty beams would shoot out of your fingers and your toes and the ends of your hair.
MARY: And would they shoot out of my nipples too, George?
- - - -
GONE WITH THE WIND
SCARLETT: [After making her way through the smoldering ruins of Georgia and finding her family home, Tara, is still standing.] As God is my witness, as God is my witness they're not going to lick me. I'm going to live through this and when it's all over, I'll never be hungry again. No, nor any of my folk. If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill. As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again.
(SCARLETT unwraps a frozen roll of Pillsbury chocolate chip cookie dough and takes a big old honkin' bite out of it.)
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Great Moments in Cinema Ruined By Cookies By Benjamin Percy
John Moe's Pop-Song Correspondences, Volume XX: A Memo From the Head Nurse Regarding Proper Care of Patients Born Bad to the Bone By John Moe
Declarations of Conjugal Interest from the Massachusetts Federalist, 1733 By Steve Etheridge
I Can Triple Your Sales or Income With My Simple Sex/Heroin System By Dan Kennedy
Residents of Avon, Connecticut Respond to the Economic Crisis By Michael Hoven
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.