SUMMER'S HOTTEST
NOTES PLACED
IN ILLEGALLY
PARKED CARS.
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Car broken down, no ticket please.
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Car doesn't seem to want to budge, sorry.
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Car won't start, but let's not go through this again.
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Vehicle doesn't work, but I think it's important for us all to remain cautiously optimistic.
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I'm just down the street where a physician is working on a growth, am very touched by your continued understanding and concern.
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Picking up laughably small persons at the nearby building they constantly seem to be coming in and out of, back in a moment.
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Picking up kids at school, you'd better get out of here before we return or they'll be absolutely livid.
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Retrieving in-laws somewhere on the other side of town in someone else's nicer car. Will be back soonish.
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Some sort of problem, will be back in just a moment with a more clearly-worded explanation.
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Am really, really blind.
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I can't read or write, message dictated to me by a passerby who failed to inform me I was illegally parked (wrote second half of note after someone else told me about illegal spot. Also, I've lost my keys.)
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A tad confused, certainly within the realm of possibility that I'll return.
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This car is illegally parked, but I'm sooooo glad it's Friday :)
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Currently overseas on a trip we've been planning for what seems like forever! But we'll be updating our travel journal often.
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Have abandoned car and country in a dramatic huff and no longer feel like talking about it.
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Failed to follow the rules, on my way to find someone who irresponsibly hasn't given up completely on the idea that in some small way we've got a stake in one another's well-being and that if we all proceeded with an altruistic heart than we'd realize that even the infinitesimally tiny act of acknowledging the parking meter's purpose proclaims that, "I am part of this city and I am here to help bend the arc of its progression upward." Thanks.
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Have stepped out for some salt, would you mind stirring the pot of stew I have going?
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This isn't my car, but if the person you're writing a ticket for doesn't return within 48 hours, please contact the following number and let me know how I could go about getting a mold of the keys.
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Car is yours for the taking if you can figure out what exactly the GPS keeps yapping about.
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No ticket please. There's always the chance this is being filmed and if you play your cards right, someone could come by to offer you a spot on a reality show. Remember to always dream with your eyes wide open! Have a great day!
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Rest assured, I've already lectured myself about letting the meter expire and I will continue to do for the duration of my commute home this evening.
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Don't touch! Haunted!
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Is it too much to ask that you stand outside this car for the next half hour occasionally waving your arms in giant windmills. I have likely forgotten where I parked and this could be a whimsical visual marker that we can all chuckle about in time.
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Back in a sec with plenty of funnel cake for the both of us.
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The quarters I use are slightly larger than the ones everyone else does. Therefore, they don't fit into this meter's slots. I would be happy to mail in a payment for the amount owed here today. Provided it's not in quarters, mine are far too valuable.
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If you have any questions about why I've chosen to park here, please talk to the unattended child in the back.
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Should you feel it behooves to fill a quota of some sort and that makes everything better for you down at headquarters or your fortress of civil solitude or wherever it is you hang your slightly demeaning hat, then fine go ahead and write me this ticket. Just know this: I love you. We can make it through this together if we try.
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Out flying a kite.
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Couldn't find a getaway driver, but this will all be settled shortly.
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I think we can agree that this is no place to be parking a car. Yet, here we all are.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Summer's Hottest Notes Placed in Illegally Parked Cars By Nathaniel Missildine
A New Dispatch: Days at the Museum By B.R. Cohen
The Confirmation Hearing of Sonia Sotomayor, If the Hearing Were Held In Front of the 1977 Kansas City Royals Instead of the Senate Judiciary Committee By Jay Wexler
Crop Share Newsletter: Apocalypse Edition By Peter Bognanni
Four Short Plays About Selling a Glass-Top Coffee Table, as Posted by My Neighbor, George, in Our Apartment Building's Elevator By Matthew Summers-Sparks
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