IT'S THE MIDDLE
OF SUMMER AND
IT'S FRIDAY −
AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY FOR SOME LISTS.
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STATUS UPDATES SINCE MY MOTHER BECAME MY FACEBOOK FRIEND.
BY SCOTT A. HARRIS
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Scott is making good, well informed decisions.
Scott is going to bed at a very reasonable hour.
Scott is drinking only on occasion, and even then it's just one or two.
Scott quit smoking several months ago without any apparent difficulty.
Scott is in no way involved, currently nor in the past, with a married woman, regardless of what anyone is saying.
Scott is making large, regular contributions to his savings account.
Scott is making yet another home cooked meal, avoiding fast food as usual.
Scott is no longer in debt like he used to be...boy that would be terrible.
Scott is in no way affected by the current economic downturn...everything is a-okay.
Scott is not gaining weight, and his clothes fit just fine.
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SIGNS THIS FILM IS NOT YOUR BIG BREAK.
BY STEPHANIE WILLEN
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You auditioned in your bikini at La Salsa.
You're the star of an updated version of Little Red Riding Hood and have fallen asleep while on the phone with the director, who is running through the script, when you're startled awake by him saying, "...and then the wolf's cock piercing gets caught on your tongue ring."
The director comes to your house and takes a loud smelly dump in your toilet.
Your first scene is a night shot on someone's roof. When you question why there are no lights, the camera operator asks if you think the 7-Eleven down the street has flashlights.
Your character breakdown is "a bitch that dies."
You're at the director's apartment sitting in front of a stiff pour of Jack Daniels and discussing the script when he tells you how much you remind him of Jodie Foster. On your way to the bathroom, you discover his Jodie Foster "room."
You're running around Griffith Park barefoot wearing a bed sheet and splashing fake blood on a man in his boxers.
The director folds your headshot into fours and puts it into his back pocket.
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MY LINE OF CHILDREN'S SLOGAN T-SHIRTS JUST ISN'T SELLING.
BY ANDREW FLEMING
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"Homework is Time-Consuming but Ultimately Beneficial"
"I Get Along Well With My Siblings"
"Boys and Girls Are Equally Valuable"
"My Dad is My Credit Card, In That I Have to Pay Him Back When He Buys Me Things or Else Face a Penalty"
"I Am Well-Behaved"
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MORE LISTS
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
It's the Middle of Summer and It's Friday − As Good a Time As Any for Some Lists
The Baxter County DeathFest Has Been Canceled By Drew Fontaine
36 Hours on Tralfamadore By Curtis Edmonds
"Like Cormac McCarthy, But Funny": An Excerpt from Read Hard By Ed Park
God's Resignation Speech By Lucas Kavner
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