THINGS I HAVE
WRITTEN IN
COVER LETTERS.
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I am intrigued, variously
"Though I have not taught online before, I find the prospect of online teaching intriguing."
"I now seek work within an educational environment providing support outside the classroom, so this position intrigues me."
"I now seek work outside academia somewhere in small-town New England, so this position intrigues me."
I am struck
"The material on the Museum's web site fascinates me and strikes me as meaningful in its presentation of both a layered human tale (of striving and accomplishment, of cross cultural exchange, of historical interpretation and dispute) and a scientific one."
"A culinary degree strikes me as the perfect blend of the practical and creative."
"The College's individualized, interdisciplinary program of study inspires me − the approach strikes me as both practical and imaginative − and seems an intelligent departure from more traditional systems."
"Working to assist refugees and immigrants strikes me as one of the more useful and important things I could do."
My desires: an error of honesty
"My desire to gain teaching experience overseas, as well as my desire to return to Turkey for an extended period of time, leads me to apply for this position."
What they say about flattery is true, apparently
"I much enjoyed a visit to the Fine Arts Center at the end of April and admired its beautiful entrance."
"The percentage of your undergraduates who study abroad impresses me and is surely the mark of well-developed programs and advising."
"My last visit preceded the major renovations of the house and gardens, and I see from your web site that the visitor's opportunity to engage with Edith Wharton and her world has since been enhanced."
Ought it to have been said?
"Reading the President's blog, in fact, makes me think I would like to work in support of such a person, whose willingness to engage in public discourse seems to me generous, hopeful, and even brave. I cannot help but admire the range and scope of the President's entries, which find him recommending books, drawing from history and literature to make sense of present confusions, and likening his mother's narrative style to Homer's. The President, it ought to be said, is a natural essayist."
Every time it washes over me anew
"I treasured my own experience as an undergraduate at a small liberal arts college, and what I know of Bowdoin convinces me it's a community I'd feel lucky to be part of."
"I treasured my own experience as an undergraduate at a small liberal arts college, and what I know of Bennington convinces me it's a community I'd feel lucky to be part of, where I would feel both at home and stimulated."
"I treasured my own experience as an undergraduate at a small liberal arts college, and what I know of Bard convinces me it's a community I'd be glad to be part of."
I would enjoy? I would welcome?
No − I would relish
"I felt an immediate affinity for Turkish language and culture and would relish the opportunity to work closely with Turkish colleagues and students."
"I would relish the opportunity to act as one of the stewards of the Arctic Museum's rich collection."
"Alongside whatever tangible goal that drives a student to undertake serious language study lie immeasurable intangible benefits, and I would relish the opportunity to continue cultivating the possibilities for immersion and discovery your program provides."
How fitting
"How fitting that an organization devoted to the environmental education of young people was started by a young person."
I digress, winningly, I hope: a gamble
"My French has lain fairly dormant these past years, aside from reading the odd French quotation in a book and from watching French films, but studying Russian has strangely started to awaken it. When I try to speak Russian, my brain apparently knows that it needs to search for foreign words, so if I don't know the Russian phrase or if the French one surfaces faster, my brain supplies me with French."
For what it's worth, I know these things
"I know how transformative intensive summer programs can be for high school students, as I attended the Advanced Studies Program at St. Paul's School when I was seventeen and felt my intellectual life expand from the ambitious survey course I took there on world religions."
"I know firsthand how enjoyable and even magical fly-fishing can be, as I've been going out with my father for ten years now."
"I know from my experience studying French as an undergraduate, and, more recently, from studying Russian, that learning another language is in itself a rich form of engagement with another culture."
"I know that, even in winter, the Maine coast is a place I'd feel lucky to settle."
My interests and inclinations, all of them natural
"This position interests me so much because it's a natural extension of my inclinations; I am a museum-goer, a visitor of artists' studios, a reader of books on art, an admirer of artists."
"I enjoy preparing meals, reading about food and cooking, and writing about it, so working in this capacity would be a natural extension of a personal interest."
"As a teacher, when I saw a spark of interest in a student − whatever source it arose from − I felt a natural inclination to encourage that spark."
Loves, enjoyments, happy projects
"My own love of writing is thorough; I gain satisfaction from finding the proper form for what must be said, even in a business letter."
"I enjoy making design decisions and feel confident that I could make a quick study of InDesign."
"I very much enjoy studying languages and would find it a happy project to revive my French for the sake of professional development."
In all seriousness and all ridiculousness
"I heard Lia Purpura and Cole Swensen read at Iowa and have a number of poet friends who have introduced me to the work of other authors of yours, and I can say, both in all seriousness and all ridiculousness, that poets are people I like interacting with."
The icing: best heard in the voice
of a British actor in a period drama
"Should you wish to corroborate my boastings, I'll include a list of three references."
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Things I Have Written in Cover Letters By Kirsten Giebutowski
An Excerpt From Zeitoun
From The Diary of John Adams By Peter Krinke
An Excerpt from Jessica Anthony's The Convalescent
Non-Essential Mnemonics By Kent Woodyard
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