EXCERPTS
FROM INDUCTION
SPEECHES INTO
THE TAXIDERMY
HALL OF FAME.
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Dale Diggs, Inducted in 2007
(Specialty: Woodchuck)
"My granddad always says, 'It's not the size of the whitetail deer that makes the mount. It's the size of the retinas, taking into account which way the animal collapsed and how rigor mortis cemented the muscle structure that makes the mount.' Granddad knows nothing about taxidermy, but he watches a lot of CSI: Miami and is convinced that what I've been doing is somewhat illegal."
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Beau Hammet, Inducted in 1972
(Specialties: Spotted Bass, Crawfish)
"Call me a curmudgeon, but I never cared for those singing fish. Every birthday, someone buys me Big Mouth Billy Bass, thinking because of my occupation I'll appreciate it. Well, no thank you. Maybe the reason I don't see what's so damned funny about a fish singing 'Old Man River' is because I've dealt firsthand with trying to create a technically precise trophy with a trout that was improperly preserved by the angler."
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Maudette Frawl, Inducted in 1991
(Specialties: Big Game, Family Pets)
"I've done a lot of shady things in my life, but one thing I've never done is cooperate with John Q. Law by hiding a camera inside a dead animal's skull to assist in an undercover narcotics investigation."
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Chuck Potts, Inducted in 2000
(Specialty: Carcasses Arranged
in Festive Holiday Themes)
"Neighbors complained and town officials brought in a flatbed to haul it away. But while it lasted, that was the most realistic Santa sleigh ever. Except for Blitzen, of course, since we ran out of caribou and had to use a Shetland pony. Following year we just strung lights."
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Wick Tackett, Inducted in 1967
(Specialty: Anything with Horns
and/or Deformities)
"I says to him, 'You get the hell out of here you son-of-a-bitch, I don't mount road kill even if you did run it over on purpose.'"
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Earl Schlamp, Inducted in 1974
(Specialties: Abstract Taxidermy, Muskrat)
"Bighorn Mooseadillo − that's what you get when you're all hopped up on Wild Turkey and you stuff together a moose, an armadillo and a bighorn sheep into one giant, freakish crossbreed. I was young, arrogant, irresponsible, thought I could create my own hybrid species. Anyway, that's how I lost my taxidermy license the first time."
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Red (no surname given), Inducted in 1988
(Specialty: Badgers in Disco poses)
"Some parents buy those mass-produced Cabbage Patch Kids, but my grandkids get their very own stuffed badgers. At first they're afraid of the impressive jaw, and how the eyes glow in the dark and follow you across a room. But after a few weeks the rash and night terrors disappear, and the little ones seem to enjoy them. Bedtime Badgers is what I call 'em. Last a hell of a lot longer than those plastic cabbage kids."
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Arlene Ray, Inducted in 2004
(Specialties: Animals Smiling or
Winking, Bear Cubs)
"Built it with no eyes and half the skull missing. Idea was to scare the beavers out of that habitat since their dams were flooding our backyards. Turns out the urethane foam I used is an aphrodisiac to beavers. Not to brag, but because of the flawless craftsmanship, I'm both delighted and embarrassed that several had relations with my mount."
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Clete Pedal, Inducted in 1990
(Specialty: Animals Recently Ingested
by Larger Animals Recently Shot by Hunters)
"So the bomb squad is there. I'm there. Hostages tied up, praying and carrying on. Terrorist is lying in a pool of blood, sharpshooter having made a headshot through the window. And there, in the mounted elk, is where he stashed the bomb. It's up to me to unstitch the ear along the jaw-line so they can diffuse it."
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Art Sutterson, Inducted in 1995
(Specialty: Rodentia Reenacting
Historical Events)
"This fella come in and wants a reenactment from Game 6 of the 1986 World Series using nothing but field mice. We watched video of the play when the ball got between Buckner's legs. Then he give me a down payment and I got to work on the infield, but I never saw him again. I finished it anyway, just to see if I could. It was realistic with the thousands of mice I used to replicate the crowd. But as many of you know, it's difficult to manipulate mouse facial features, so it's not my Mona Lisa."
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Sully Sullivan, Inducted in 2002
(Specialties: Squirrel montages,
Dashboard Hula Squirrels)
"My Mona Lisa? Have to say Valentine's Day 1999. Not proud to admit I was unfaithful to my wife, Beverly, who is here tonight. To win her back I mounted various reenactments of scenes from our life together. We had a shitload of squirrels in our backyard, which she adores, and I was able to build 134 montages showing squirrels portraying our memories − first kiss, wedding day. We still got 'em displayed around the house. Any rate − and I apologize for getting misty-eyed, folks − one shows Sully Squirrel on his knees, head bowed, shameful for the adultery." (A pause). "Thank you, Beverly, for being here on the proudest night of my life."
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Excerpts From Induction Speeches Into The Taxidermy Hall of Fame By Jon Methven
I Challenge You to the Ultimate Event in Manly Competition By Steven Markow
Journal of a New COBRA Recruit By Keith Pille
A Letter from Bernie Madoff to Prospective Shareholders of Madoff Securities, Federal Correctional Division By Zachary Martin
Snack Attack By Ben Greenman
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