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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.
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HEALTH CARE REFORM: MYTHS & FACTS.BY ROB KUTNER- - - - MYTH: The Democratic health care reform proposal will not let you choose your own doctor. FACT: You will have a wider-than-ever range of doctors to choose from! In order to accommodate 45 million new patients, the plan expands the definition of "doctor" from "medically licensed professional" to now also include: - - - - MYTH: Obamacare™ will ration life-saving medicine away from the elderly and disabled via "Death Panels." FACT: While nothing can replicate the current mercy-driven system of rationing via "Private Insurer Form Letter," the new proposal certainly does not consign end-of-life decisions to panels of faceless bureaucrats. Rather, they are taken up by exciting, glamorous "Celebrity Death Panels"™ (C-List minimum). - - - - MYTH: People in Britain are deeply unhappy with their socialized medicine system, which ours will become. FACT: People in Britain are deeply unhappy with everything. It is their only source of happiness. - - - - MYTH: Universal health care will transform the United States into another Cuba/Canada/France/Venezuela/The Democratic Republic of the Congo. FACT: A common misconception! It will, in fact, transform us into a Jamaica/Costa Rica/Amsterdam/Chad. - - - - MYTH: If you do it standing up, you'll have a boy. FACT: The BHO-HMO offers full coverage for pre-, neo- and post-natal care, without regard to procreative positioning.^ - - - - MYTH: Athena emerged, fully grown, from the skull of Zeus. FACT: Despite being King of the Gods and Lord of Thunder™, Zeus was denied medical coverage by private insurers due to being classed with a "Priapistic condition." This painfully constant state of male "preparedness" could only be tamed by nonstop anonymous intercourse. Frankly, it's a wonder Athena is the only creature to emerge from his body. - - - - MYTH: Suzie Jenkins' mom is, like, a total "alkie." FACT: Totally. - - - - * Plan includes lifetime fully-subsidized refills of Cel-Ray. ^ However, relevant trade tariffs may apply if your positioning involves the use of a ceiling-mounted swing device (See Form 134-F (i): "Permitted Imports from Vietnam") - - - - RELATED MATERIAL: Selected Scenes from Trauma Clinic: HMO Dr. Mario Weighs in On Universal Health Care Two Medieval Physicians Debate Universal Health Care - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Health Care Reform: Myths & Facts By Rob KutnerIf These Walls Could Talk: Sorority House Edition By Mike Schmidt A Subway Performer's Application Essay to Juilliard By Karl Frankenfield Three Minutes With... "The Man" By Austin Sidley A Taste of Pyongyang By Robin Hemley |
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