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STATE RULES.BY COLIN PERKINS- - - - Don't mess with Texas. Don't flirt with Rhode Island. Don't presume to tell Colorado about its business. Don't stand so close to Mississippi. Don't call Oregon after eleven. Don't play your little games with Michigan. Don't loan money to Maryland. Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like Kansas? Don't you know who Georgia's dad is? Don't even try to pay. This one is on Nevada. Don't go changing to try to please Wyoming. Don't look now, but there's Nebraska. Don't act like you haven't been screening Vermont's calls. Don't tell me you forgot about that night you spent in Maine. Don't forget Utah's pills. Don't be so quick to dismiss Arizona as a wacko. Don't even touch Louisiana right now. Not after the stunt you just pulled. Don't you go getting' famous and forgetting all about Ohio. Don't you have a friend you could hook Kentucky up with? Don't give Connecticut the satisfaction of seeing you cry. Don't look a South Carolina in the mouth. Don't give Illinois any of your sass. Don't come crawling back to Montana. Don't get fresh with Florida. Don't settle for Tennessee. Don't go to bed angry at North Dakota. Don't let New Hampshire get you down. Don't forget to call Pennsylvania to say that you got home safe. Don't you have anything to say to Washington for all the nice gifts? Don't cry for me, Oklahoma. The truth is I never left you. Don't get comfortable in Idaho. Don't reckon you're from New Mexico? Don't you feel guilty about Missouri? Don't stop thinking about Wisconsin. Don't speak. Iowa knows just what you're saying. So please stop complaining. Don't tell Iowa because it hurts. Don't let Indiana catch you showing your face around here again. Don't make Arkansas turn this car around. Don't try to use reverse psychology on Minnesota. Don't take West Virginia's picture. Don't hate Hawaii because it's beautiful. Don't put all your eggs in Delaware. Don't drag Virginia into your drama. Don't tell New Jersey you love it unless you really mean it. Don't look directly at Alabama. Don't look back at Massachusetts in anger. Don't look to New York for advice. Don't tell me you don't remember California. Don't sweat the small Alaskan things. Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do in North Carolina today. Don't ever go to South Dakota for any reason. At all.
- - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - State Rules By Colin PerkinsYou Don't Know Me By Andrew Palmer A Short History of the Norse Colonization of Greenland for Bostonians By Rowdy Geirsson Lord, Denise, These Almonds By Shawn Bowers "Say Hello To Ur Friends": The Babysitters Club — Reloaded By Maureen Miller |
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