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James, I Cannot Even Begin to Imagine Who Threw a Bag Full of Feces Into Your Dishwasher
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Voices From the Storm: Part 2
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A Contest
(12/20/06)
Nora Ephron Feels Bad About Barack Obama's Neck
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Alice Walker Meets Roy G. Biv
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To: Peter Criss; From: Beth
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The Azande Tribesman Makes His Weekly Football Picks
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After Drinking Too Many Martinis at Lunch, Old Man Potter, Unwisely Acting as His Own Attorney, Delivers His Closing Remarks to a Bedford Falls Jury
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Bean and Nothingness
By Jon Fitch (12/11/06)
Rejected Submissions for Seventeen Magazine's "Daily Traumarama"
By Dede Preno (12/8/06)
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Unveiled in Yemen: The Bravest 13-Year-Old Girl in the World
(12/6/06)
Poems That Were Considered and Rejected Before 'Twas the Night Before Christmas Was Established as "the Official American Christmas Poem"
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Recently Retired Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan Warns His New Puppy Against "Irrational Exuberance"
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Andy Rooney Will Seat You Now
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Matthew Barney: "Those NFL Films Are Great"
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Selections From the Notebooks of Max Roosevelt, 15-Year-Old Socialist
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My Prison Notes
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TripAdvisor.com Reviews: Jekyll & Hyde B&B
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Cate Blanchett Upgrades Her Cable Service
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Voices From the Storm: Part 2
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Responses to Recurrent Critiques of My Toothbrush-of-the-Month Club Idea
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Rejected America's Funniest Home Videos Submissions, as Logged by Junior Production Assistant Intern Kenneth Polk
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Voices From the Storm
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¡Número Veintiuno!
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My Father the Lawyer
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Brutus and I
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By Ellie Kemper (10/23/06)
Postcards From "The Edge"
By Pasha Malla (10/20/06)
From the Grad Schoolyard: The Diarrhea Song
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Celebrity Biographies Written by a Guy Who Cannot Distinguish Fiction From Reality
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Revised Corporate E-mail Signature
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From John Moe's Conservatize Me: Can These Movies Make You a Conservative?
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Patriotic Songs Reworked for the Modern Age
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Stories That Would Have Turned Out Differently If the Protagonists Had Had Cell Phones
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How to Trip the President
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Your Corporate Store
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Trip Advisory: The Boyhood Home of Former President Ronald Reagan
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Mike Fink's Performance Review
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If Professional Wrestling Rewrote American History
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Why I Won't Sell Your Memoir to Hollywood for Millions, Grandma
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Homeschool Progress Report
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From Dickens to Nikki Sixx
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Hugo Chávez May Have Anger Management Issues
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A Note to the Groom
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Web Spite
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The Recording Industry Will Destroy You
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I Fought Piranhas
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An Extremely Patient Producer Works With an Aspiring Pornography Scriptwriter
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American Girl Dolls Write to President Bush
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An Overheard Conversation at the Suburban Neighborhood Pool, If the Suburban Neighborhood Pool Were in Deadwood
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Welcoming Remarks Made at a Literary Reading, 9/25/01
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To the Edge of the New World
(9/6/06)
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Sean Hannity Takes Care of Business: Another Letter From an Earth Ball
By Ben Greenman (8/30/06)
Social Security Denies Gregor Samsa's Disability Claim
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Why?: An Introduction
By David Byrne (8/28/06)
Preliminary Betting LineBigfoot v. Aliens
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Anticlimactic Retellings of Near-Death Experiences Rejected for Inclusion in a Forthcoming Talk-Show Segment Entitled "Life, Death, and Beyond"
By Eric Feezell (8/24/06)
Bedtime Stories by Thom Yorke
By David Hart (8/23/06)
Some Children Like to Write Books, Some Children Like to Eat Books: Buy Tickets and Support Them Both
(8/22/06)
The Fujita Scale of Tornadic Activity
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By Dan Kennedy (8/18/06)
A Complaint to the California State Karate Association Regarding the Mr. Miyagi School of Karate
By Rick Stoeckel (8/17/06)
The History of the Beloved Children's Book Series the Berenstain Bears
By Doogie Horner (8/16/06)
The Andover Grade Reports of George W. Bush, Senior Year
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(8/14/06)
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The Recruitment of Harry Potter
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Let's Just Get Mel Out of Our System and Then Move On
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Unaired Commercials Featuring "the Burger King"
By Ben Ball (7/28/06)
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By Meghann Marco (7/27/06)
We're Here, We're on Fire, Get Used to It
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Black Shoe Diary: The Daily Musings of Shuruku Umezawa: Junior Salesman, Ninja
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Playground Rhymes for the Real World
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Eight New Entries in The 2007 Writer's Market Guide to Literary Journals
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Our Twentieth Issue
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Future Garfield Strips, If Garfield Aged at the Normal Feline Rate (Based on Real-Life Experiences With a Twentysomething Cat)
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We Must Never Forget Whatever Happened Here Today
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Stephen Dixon Returns
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Notes on "Sweet Child O' Mine," as Delivered to Axl Rose by His Editor
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An Open Letter to James Randi Regarding His "One Million Dollar Paranormal Challenge"
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Godzilla's Journal
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Superman Returns (a Defective DVD Player)
By Tim Carvell (7/6/06)
More Sections of the New York Times That Help Terrorists
By Kate Hahn (7/5/06)
Reviews of My Daydreams
By T.G. Gibbon (6/30/06)
My New Street Taunts, Vol. I: The Things Which I Will Do to You, If You Cross Me
By Amie Barrodale (6/29/06)
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By Billy Kimball (6/28/06)
The Dance Lesson
By Tim Carvell (6/27/06)
Ask a Former Professional Literary Agent, Part Five
By John Hodgman (6/26/06)
Eight Ways to Kill Someone by Using an iPod Nano, According to Ex-Marine Brad Collum
By Kevin Fleming (6/23/06)
The Wholphin We've All Been Waiting For
(6/22/06)
Alternative InSPOT E-Cards to Anonymously Inform Your Partners That They Might Have Been Exposed to an STD
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Secret Shoppers Report on the U.S. Senate
By Kate Hahn (6/20/06)
Gilgamesh, King of Uruk in Babylonia (2700 B.C.), Responds to Advertising's Biggest Questions
By Russell Bradbury-Carlin (6/19/06)
In Response to Accusations That My Memoir, I, Ellie Kemper, Borrows Numerous Passages From Rigoberta Menchu's Memoir, I, Rigoberta Menchu
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The 700 Club Does Weather
By Alex Kane (6/15/06)
Snicket Started. You Finished
(6/14/06)
The Elements of Subway-Announcement Style
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Out of Office AutoReply
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Still Kicking: The Very Authorized Biography of Steven Seagal, Volume II, Pgs. 567568
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Softening the Saddle While Hardening the Earth
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Commencement Speech, Whitney Houston, East Southern University, June 9, 2006
By Jen Michalski (6/7/06)
Less Popular Game Show Catchphrases
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Investment Advice for My Son
By Matt Judd (6/5/06)
Existential Pleas and Resignations Mad Libs
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Dateline: To Catch a Predator: Humbert Humbert
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We're Having a Contest, With Prizes
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The Manoni Brothers Have Sent You an e-Threat!
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Spam Finally Taps Into Male Desires
By Eric Silver (5/26/06)
The 4-Year-Old Enters Anger Management
By Ross Murray (5/25/06)
Ryan Seacrest Breaks Bad News
By Sarah Schmelling (5/24/06)
Utopian Endings for Reality Shows
By Kate Hahn (5/23/06)
Why There Aren't Many Right-Wing Observational Comedians
By Teddy Wayne (5/22/06)
This Is Your Brain on Drugs
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By Ned Rust (5/18/06)
Classroom Smoking Policies, Art History 542, Oberlin, 1970
By Tony Antoniadis (5/17/06)
Chuck Norris Candidly Speaks Out on Torture as He Wins a Lifetime
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Popular Musicians If England Had Won the Revolutionary War
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Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury
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David Caruso Scolds His Cat About Its Lackadaisical Litter-Box Use
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Further Evidence That SportsCenter Has Lost All Connection to Reality
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Feedback From James Joyce's Submission of Ulysses to His Creative-Writing Workshop
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Thanks for the Intervention
By Jay Dyckman (5/8/06)
Cookie Monster Searches Deep Within Himself and Asks: Is Me Really Monster?
By Andy F. Bryan (5/5/06)
Thirteen Writing Prompts
By Dan Wiencek (5/4/06)
The Bruckheimer Quatrains
By Robert Hornak (5/3/06)
Truly Groundbreaking Ideas in Direct Mail
By Dan Kennedy (5/2/06)
Rejected Spots for the Army's Current Ad Campaign, "Strength for Now, Strength for Later"
By the Bros. Farhang (5/1/06)
Reinventing the Mojito
By Kate Hahn (4/28/06)
Critter Corner With Lincoln Michel, Former Veterinary Assistant
By Lincoln Michel (4/27/06)
Old Jokes, Updated to Make Them Even Older
By Matt Loker (4/26/06)
Issue 19, Available Now, in What Appears to Be a Cigar Box
(4/25/06)
Scott McClellan's Replacement: AOL Instant Messenger Bot SmarterChild
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Horrible Segues, With Local Anchorman Clive Rutledge
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By Laurence Hughes (4/20/06)
I'm a Little Unnerved by My eHarmony Profile
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Six Inspirational Sayings I've Yet to Find on the Side of a Box of Tea
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When You Are the Fourth Consecutive Person to Ask for Money on the Subway, You Have to Bring It
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Public Service Announcement Paid for by the People for Electing Criss Angel, Mindfreak, in 2008's Presidential Elections
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My Helpful Tips for Fighting and Winning the War on Easter
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Weight Gain, Neglected Necks, and Other Sleeping-Pose Advice
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Possible "Surprise" Endings to the New Samuel L. Jackson Film Snakes on a Plane
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A Mother Takes Over Amazon Customer Service
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Concerning Jon Bon Jovi, Wanted Dead or Alive
By John Moe (4/6/06)
An Art-History Professor Explains to His 4-Year-Old Daughter Why the Fair Market Value of Her Picture Is Actually Far Less Than That of a Thousand Words
By Ethan Ryan (4/5/06)
A Rejected Submission to NPR's "This I Believe"
By Rachel Proctor May (4/4/06)
Nihilist Job Résumé
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I Don't Know What the Big Deal About Having a Baby Is
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Translated Thoughts and Questions That Are Running Through a North Korean Refugee's Mind When He Is Awarded Political Asylum in the United States, Settles Down, Turns on the Television, and the First Thing He Sees Is a Fancy Feast Cat-Food Commercial
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Conversations I've Had During a Normal Day in Los Angeles, Modified to Include the Shocking Depiction of Racism Found in Paul Haggis's 2005 Film Crash
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Fragments From Steroids! The Musical
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A Serial Killer Explains the Distinctions Between Literary Terms
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Public Service Announcement Revised
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Working the Kidneys
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Parallels Between My Living Through Two Years of Middle School and the Two Terms of the Bush Presidency
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Let There Be Lite
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Further Excerpts From the Diary of an Aspiring Death-Metal Frontman
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The End of My Marriage, Rendered in the Elegant Phraseology of Celebrities
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So You've Knocked Over a Row of a Motorcycle Gang's Motorcycles
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We Guarantee You'll Love This Book
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Mouthwash Commercials Taken to Their Logical Conclusion
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The Slow and Painful Collapse of a Relationship Over the Course of a Weeklong Vacation as Expressed by the Names Each Partner Gave Their Digital Photos Taken During Said Vacation
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My Memoirs of My Geisha
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A Seminar for Nightclub Bouncers, as Conducted by a Big, Menacing Former Doorman Who Abhors Violence
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Why Can't I Be as Smart as You?
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Sample Emoticons for e-Kicking Someone in the e-Balls
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The Calls of Cthulhu
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The Surrealist Goes to the Store
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Foreword for the Yet Unwritten Book Leah Is a Delicate F*#%ing Flower by an Emotionally Unstable Person With Rage Issues
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Career Days
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Resignation Letter of a Ringtone Designer
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Brave New Language
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Six Breakfast Cereals Argue Why They Should Replace Cheerios as the Preferred Finger Food for Babies
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The Five Most Dangerous Children's Books Ever Written, According to Sean Hannity
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Alternative Answers to Some of the Cornell Center for Materials Research's "Ask a Scientist!" Student E-Mails
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Yannick Murphy's Here They Come, and the McSweeney's Reading Groups
(2/16/06)
When a Stranger E-Mails
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Obsessive-Compulsive Valentines
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A Retort to Carly Simon Regarding Her Charges of Vanity
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Klingon Recipes
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David Kruchowski, Working at a Strip Club With Mom
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The Elements of Spam
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Conversations I've Had During a Normal Day in Los Angeles, Modified to Include the Shocking Depiction of Racism Found in Paul Haggis's 2005 Film Crash
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1997: The Year Tooth Whitening Broke
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Ongoing Roadblocks in the Mongoose-Cobra Peace Process
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Scenes From Lord of the Rings That Might Have Been Used as Setups for Bad Commercials Had the Filmmakers Not Respected the Material
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A Mother's Plea
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By Mike Sacks (1/26/06)
Our Policy on Marriage
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Things You Can Do If You Love Jesus Other Than Honk
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Listmania!: Other Books Useful (or Not) for Americans to Read, Beyond William Blum's Rogue State, by Osama B-L
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Movie Reviews by the City of Los Angeles Itself
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The Pretentious 17-Year-Old's Guide to Dating
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Troubling Tyra Mails Censored From Aired Episodes of America's Next Top Model
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A Major Publishing Event
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History's Most Lopsided Trades, as Renegotiated by Oakland A's General Manager Billy Beane
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Like It or Not, You're No Bob Costas
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A Selection From George W. Bush's Eavesdropping Tapes: Matthew Barney and Björk Place an Ikea Phone Order
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Clue Confessions
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In the Belly of the Whale
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Death-Metal-Publicist Birth Announcement
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Shed Camp
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A Letter to Elton John From the Office of the NASA Administrator
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When Cops Bomb
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Kids' Letters From Terrorist Camp
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Issue 18 Approaches, Preceded by an Urgent Warning
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Snappy Dressing, the Papal Way
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Butterball Help-Line Help-Line
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Baby, Mix Me a Drink: A Proposal by Lisa Brown
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Models of Conflict in Literature, Which I Think Justify My Beeping the Horn While Driving, Even If My Girlfriend Thinks Not
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In-Progress Ideas for New Yorker Cartoons
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A Grinning, Leering Skull!
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Wilford Brimley Asks for Splenda
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The 4-Year-Old's Workday
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Hiding the Ball in Presidential Interviews: How the Liberal Media Can Finally Ask the Questions They're Dying to Ask
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Responses in an Interview for a Nanny Position That Will Almost Certainly Sink Your Chances of Getting the Job
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Now I Question Everything
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Guide to Determining If You Are Constantly Being Mauled by Bears
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Phriday List Phabulousness: Alternative Rock Meets Current Events Edition
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Nightmare
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An Open Letter to Officials of the United States Government Regarding What's New in My Reproductive Area
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John Moe's Pop-Song Correspondences, Volume IV
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An Open Letter to Cable News Organizations
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VH1's Top 10 Songs of the Last 25 Years, Rearranged Into Eight Better Songs
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Words That Could Conceivably Be Used to Describe Both Sherpas and Sherbet
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The A-Team Resolves Lapses in Homeland Security
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Diary of a Congressional Candidate in Florida's Fourth Congressional District
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Dan Kennedy Solves Your Problems with Paper
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Contributors to The Future Dictionary of America
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Unfortunate Piñata Fillings
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An Open Letter to Whole Foods Supermarkets
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Short Essays on Favorite Songs, Inspired by Nick Hornby's Songbook
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Winnie-the-Pooh Is My Co-worker
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Ike Turner's Guide to Restoring America's Honor
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Tuesday List Terrificness: War on Terror Edition
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The Exploding Boy
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If Henny Youngman Had Played Hamlet
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Why I Am Leaving the Troupe
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What's (So) Funny About Peace, Love, and Understanding
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Martha Ballard, Enlightenment-Era Midwife, Reviews Mötley Crüe, a Musical Group
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Phriday List Phabulousness: Semi-current Events Edition
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Be Prepared!: How to Handle Threats to the Election
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Ten Excerpts From a Magazine Found at a Philly Gentlemen's Club, Reformatted as Love Poems
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John Moe's Pop-Song Correspondences, Volume III
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The Screen Test
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Query
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My Son's Appearance on Fresh Air
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Daddy Was a 9-Iron
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Three Short Monologues for the Struggling Actor
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Announcing The Future Dictionary of America
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Annals of Science, Volume IV: The Salad Days of Genetics
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The North Korean State News Service Picks Up on Less Globally Relevant American News
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Liberty Dogs (Part II): A Follow-Up to an Excerpt from Paul Collins's Not Even Wrong (7/7/04)
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Dan Kennedy Solves Your Problems with Paper: Part 8 (7/1/04)
An Open Letter to the Radioactive Spider That Never Bit Me
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Additional Appreciations of Robert Coover from Ben Marcus, Brian Evenson, and Edwidge Danticat (6/29/04)
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Phriday List Phabulousness!: Books Edition (6/25/04)
Dispatches From a Public Librarian: Three Tales of the Internet
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John Moe's Pop-Song Correspondences, Volume II
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An Interview with Robert Coover
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Enriched Uranium: What Every Parent Should Know
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How to Tell People That You Are a Billionaire Without Sounding Obnoxious
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How I Fall Asleep
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How to Spoil Your Panther for Under Ten Dollars
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John Moe's Pop-Song Correspondences
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Community College Buddha Master
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Five Rejected Opening Lines for the CBS Evening News
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The Fallguy's Faith
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Wednesday List Wackitude! (6/2/04)
Talking Points for People Who Serve as My Professional References
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A Week on the Set with the Wal-Mart Smiley
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Pros And Cons Of John Kerry's Top Twenty Vice-Presidential Candidates
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Festiva!: A Play in Three Acts, Concerning Henry Ford's First Encounter with Locking His Keys Inside His Car
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The Making of the Autobiography of George W. Bush (an Excerpt)
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Nonviolent Philosophy for the Philosophically Violent
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Sestinas (5/19/04)
Dan Kennedy Solves Your Problems with Paper (5/18/04)
20-Minute Stories Contest (5/17/04)
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Short Imagined Monologues (5/12/04)
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On Tour with Bob Edwards
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An Open Letter to My Male Gynecologist
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Dispatch 12: Some Sounds
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This Town and Salamanca, Part 2
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Twenty-Minute Stories Contest
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An Open Letter to the Gentleman that Almost Killed Me the Other Day (3/11/04)
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Confessions of a New Coffee Drinker
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Mars Politica
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Audio Guide to the Greatest Masterpieces of All Time, Assembled in One Place
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Enrichment Is Wasted on Me: Remembrances of Unfinished Continuing-Education Courses
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My DJ
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A Tweak Too Far: New York's Edgiest Derma Docs
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Dispatch Wednesdays
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Statement of Witness from Benjamin Mavodones Concerning His Involvement in the Recent Actions Against
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Joe
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Untitled
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Quadratic
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Dear Mother
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Portrait of the Artist as a Middle-Aged TOEFL Teacher
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Artisanal Cheeses to Make at Home
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Dispatch Wednesdays
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Inaugural Speeches from Our Action Heroes
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Club Existential Dread - Part I
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Have You Ever Eaten a Baby?
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Our Town Apologizes
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Dispatch Wednsedays
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Realize Your Destiny in Twelve Easy Steps
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Early Bird Report Card
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About the Meet the Teacher Night
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A Message from the Principal
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Body Cavity
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An Important Message from Mephistopheles, Servant of the Prince of the Devils, from His Condo in Boca Raton
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What Kind of Ghost Do You Have?
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A Letter That Seems To Be From My Garden Gnomes
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History's Notable Television Programs, Reconsidered
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Just Call Me Zippy, An Interview With Amy Barich
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If the Market Near My House Were a Baseball Game, and You Were a Fan
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Tales of Erotica: Chuck Norris and Me
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Opening
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Jonathan Bailey's Out-Of-Office Auto-Responder for 12 September, 2003
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10 Signs Your Guy's Gotta Go
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B.R. Cohen's Annals of Science, Volume One
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Open Letter to Chicago Public Library Desk Vandals
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Suggested Venues for Grieving
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The Moon: Myths and Facts
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The Will to Power: Maximizing Life Potential with Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
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I Am a Concerned Citizen, Part Two
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McSweeney's Brain Exploder: One More for the Riddler
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Smokesignals: The New Official Newsletter of Coyote Sam's Cowboy Grill®
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John Ritter, Greatest Mom-Kissing, Tranqilizer-Laced-Cookie-Baking, Serial Killer Robot in TV History, Dead at 54
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Some People Do Not Like Celebrities
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The Tea Spectator Futures Preview for 2004
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McSweeney's Brain Exploder: Gubernatorialyssa Milano
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Kafka at Camp: The Lost Diaries
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Unused Audio Commentary By Jayson Blair and Stephen Glass, Recorded Summer 2003, for The Goonies Special Gen-X Edition DVD, Part Two
By Jeff Alexander and Tom Bissell (9/15/03)
Unused Audio Commentary By Jayson Blair and Stephen Glass, Recorded Summer 2003, for The Goonies Special Gen-X Edition DVD, Part One
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Welcoming Remarks Made at a Literary Reading, 9/25/01
By John Hodgman (9/11/03)
McSweeney's Brain Exploder: A Name-Tag Snafu at the Annual Spice Girls/Smurfs/Seven Dwarfs Convention
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The Screenwriter's Vacation
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While Mating at the Zoo, Behind the Various Cages, I Whisper Sweet One-Liners into My Girls' Ears
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Interviews with Neighbors
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NFL Picks 2003: Week One
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McSweeney's Brain Exploder: "The Ransom Note"
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My Name
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Talk Different: An Alternative to Idle Conversation
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If Game-Show Hosts Were Guests on Their Own Shows
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McSweeney's Brain Exploder: Long-Distance Song Parody Dedication: "Cherry Pie"
By Carlton Doby (8/27/03)
The Bombay Palace All-You-Can-Eat Buffet: A Postcolonial Perspective
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The Complete Idiot's Guide to Meeting People More Famous Than You
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I Am a Concerned Citizen
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McSweeney's Brain Exploder: "Revenge of the Hunt and Peckers"
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The Lies Perpetrated on Me by Public Education, Part One: Salisbury Central School
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Goofus, Gallant, Rashomon
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How He Spent His Summer Vacation: An Interview with Jonson Miller, Part Two
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McSweeney's Brain Exploder: Pittsburgh Puzzle Parry-In-A-Pen Match: "Let's Git it On!"
By Carlton Doby (8/13/03)
"The Anomie of My Anomie is My Friend" a Scooby-Doo Treatment by Alice Munro
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"10 More Things I Wish I'd Known Before I Went Out Into the Real World — The Real World, That is, As Experienced by a Kennedy Who Married Arnold Schwarzenegger," By Maria Shriver
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Selected Listings from the Campus Clubs and Activities Guide Under "C"
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I Enjoy Taunting Insomniacs
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McSweeney's Brain Exploder: Celebrity Sex
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Shakespeare's Interrogatories, Or Why He Wanted to Kill All the Lawyers
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Stalking Gordon Willis
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Great Films of the Cinematic Canon: Reviewed
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Reader, Hear Me Yearn: Revolving Paint Dream's "In the Afternoon"
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McSweeney's Brain Exploder: "And Stay Tuned for St. Thomas Morgantown!"
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An Immigrant's Guide to Translating American Workplace Slang
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Things I've Been Thinking About
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On the Occasion, Give or Take, Of the Fiftieth Anniversary of the First Staging, In Paris, Of Samuel Beckett's Waiting for Godot, A Few Representative Selections from The Annotated Treasury of Waiting For Godot Parodies
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You Have Problems with Paper, I Have Paper and Paper-Product-Related Credentials…No Problem
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McSweeney's Brain Exploder: Celebrity "Phil" in the Blank
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Another in a Series of Sex Stories that Lose Their Way
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Questions for VH1's "I Love the Eighties" Expert Celebrity Commentators
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McSweeney's Projects: Darrell Issa — Supreme Ruler Of California, Part Two
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McSweeney's Brain Exploder: How You Gellin'?
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My Favorite Quarters
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An Open Letter to the New York Times Style Section Photo Retoucher
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My Hidden Agenda
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Excerpts From My Third-Grade Journal
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Notes Scribbled by a Philosophy Professor on a Student Paper Entitled "The Truth of Death"
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The Cap'n Picks Up His Quill Again
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Scripts for Everyday Use
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Mr. Bunny: An Interview with Ames Montgomery, Who Recently Celebrated His Fiftieth Birthday by Legally Changing His Name to "A. Fluffy Bunny"
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Three F U's
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Done in Pen, Again: More Poems by New York Times Puzzle Editor Will Shortz
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A Few More Grim Stories
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Mom's Set List
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Breaking Through Writer's Block
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The New FCC Rules
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Diary of a Superhero
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Silly Me
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More Cases from the Files of Traig & McGrath, Shut-In Detectives
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Excerpts From My Speech on Forest Fire Prevention (Reprinted from February 22, 1999)
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More History's Notable Persons Reconsidered
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Rounder Characters in No Time Flat
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Puns About Death are Unavoidable: An Interview with Janet Waters on the Stealing of Deeds to her Burial Plots Last Winter
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Unused Audio Commentary By Dinesh D'Souza and Ann Coulter, Recorded Spring 2003, for Aliens Special Red-State Edition DVD, Part Two
By Jeff Alexander and Tom Bissell (5/28/03)
Unused Audio Commentary By Dinesh D'Souza and Ann Coulter, Recorded Spring 2003, for Aliens Special Red-State Edition DVD, Part One
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Two Scenes from My Childhood, as Reimagined by Woody Allen
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Bert and Ernie Call it Quits: Eight Six-line Plays Initiated by Bert
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Class Notes Entries Rejected By My Alumni Magazine
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A Bedtime Story
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Un______
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I Had This When I Came in Here
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Pun About Death Goes Here for Title: An Interview with Jim Keller, Groundskeeper at the Marysville Cemetery
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Unpublished Coda to Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird
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Engulfed: A Dispatch from the Front
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Paul Collins Week: Excerpt No. Two from Geoffrey Pyke's To Ruhleben — And Back, a New Title from the Collins Library
Edited by Paul Collins (5/2/03)
Paul Collins Week: "I Wouldn't Want to Wipe Out in a Spectacular Manner": An Interview with Paul Collins, on History and Recovering Lost Books, Part Two
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Paul Collins Week: In Ruins (an Excerpt from Sixpence House)
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Paul Collins Week: Excerpt from Geoffrey Pyke's To Ruhleben — And Back, a New Title from the Collins Library
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Unused Audio Commentary By Howard Zinn & Noam Chomsky, Recorded Summer, 2002, for The Fellowship of the Ring (Platinum Series Extended Edition) DVD, Part Two
By Jeff Alexander and Tom Bissell (4/23/03)
Unused Audio Commentary By Howard Zinn & Noam Chomsky, Recorded Summer, 2002, for The Fellowship of the Ring (Platinum Series Extended Edition) DVD, Part One
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Lydia Davis Week Day Four
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Lydia Davis Week Day Three
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(10/22/01)
Suspicious Exposure
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Days of Awe
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Pigpen: An Oral History
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Me and the Ruffz
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Five Shots
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The Only Missing Swede
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Points of Reference
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Flowers and Flags
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Pennsylvania Avenue
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The Works of Humankind
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Across the River
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The Poet Goes for a Walk
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Live the Miracle
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The Savant Factory
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Grim Stories
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Apocalypse Now and Then Some
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Cocoon
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As If Hell Were a Real Place
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Rock Stardom in One Easy Lesson
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Crack House Correspondence File
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One Morning, at the Office
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After the Lourdes
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15 Second Theater Proudly Presents "The Cocktail Hour" and "Father of the Year"
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Crossing Over
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Baseball Is Just Baseball: An Excerpt from a New Book
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I Am Number One
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He's A Porketarian and I Love Him
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The Tyranny of Water
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Hearts, Vessels, Diamonds
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Things I Have Learned
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Sound Check at the Central Park Open Mic Poetry Reading
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The World Leader, Part 1: President George W. Bush in Genoa, Italy
(07/23/01)
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The * of America and ___ Nation: A Book Review
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The Dance Lesson
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By Genanne Walsh (07/12/01)
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By David Byrne (07/06/01)
Why I Had to Make This Book, Part III
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Why I Had to Make This Book, Part II
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Pop Quiz
By Sean Condon (06/26/01)
My Acceptance Speech
By Tom Gliatto (06/25/01)
Minutes From a Meeting of the Yearbook Staff
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Our Long National Nightmare Is Finally Over
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The Secret Life of a Squirrel
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Ill Bambino
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Scenes From Physics Land
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First Panels of Beetle Bailey Comics Which, Taken out of the Context of the Remaining Panels, Provide a More Realistic Portrayal of Life at Camp Swampy
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Amy Fusselman's New Book, The Pharmacist's Mate, Is Now Available and Has Been Warmly Received (06/13/01)
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God Damn, Kilogram!
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Adventure Week: As Far as the Eye Can See, Part 2 of 2
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Adventure Week: As Far as the Eye Can See, Part 1 of 2
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Adventure Week: Shackleton's Undeliverable E-mail
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Spring 2001 Project
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Serves One
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Mother's Day Special: Brunch With Mother
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From the Found Notebooks of the Members of Homer's Writing Group
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We Must Protest
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Ask a Former Professional Literary Agent, Part XI
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Exercise
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Thirteen Short Satirical Fragments on 20th-Century Subjects Which Are Either Obscure or Have Long Since Passed From the National Memory, Done in the Style of Voltaire
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Special Collections: The Kenny Rogers Notebooks, 1975-1977
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Reflections on Bill Clinton's First Year of Work
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Christ Goes to Happy Hour
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Artificial "It Girl"
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Issue 6 Has Arrived to Confuse You (04/11/01)
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Other Spy Troubles
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My Dollhouse
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Womenu
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The First Annual New York University Neal Pollack Chair In American Literature Lecture
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Memoirs of a Guy Who Cannot Tolerate Instances of Slightly Insincere Cheeriness in His Everyday Activities
By Tom Spoth (03/29/01)
Midseason Programming Update
By Christina Nunez (03/28/01)
Corrections
By Mark Schatzker (03/27/01)
The Gold Heist: A Third Interview With a Nuclear Physicist
By Joshuah Bearman (03/26/01)
Diary Of a Student at Patrick Henry College, the Nation's First College for Home-School Students, Which Offers a Major in Only One Subject: Government
By Ken Budd (03/23/01)
Strangers on Vacation: Snapshots
By J.M. Martinez (03/22/01)
The Uma Thurman Suicides: How My Mom Almost Destroyed Uma Thurman's Career, and Other Uma Thurman Anecdotes That Just Barely Involve Uma Thurman (and Do Not Involve Suicide)
By Matt Gross (03/21/01)
The Grasshopper Joke
By Michael Fournier (03/20/01)
Memorable Occasions When People Have Compared Me To James Spader
By Jim Flood (03/19/01)
St. Patrick's Day Special: Lesser-Known Irish Saints, Being a Brief Compendium of Hibernian Heroes, Martyrs & Miracle Workers
By Jim Ruland (03/16/01)
JoJo and I
By Kyle Kinsella (03/15/01)
I Grew Up Near the Cottages of the Famous, Part One: William Devane
By Ned Morgan (03/14/01)
Letters From Elizabeth Miller's Dad, Who Fights Fires While Flying a Helicopter (03/13/01)
Men's Room Confessions
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Anna Karenina: A New Translation
By C.P. Boyko (03/09/01)
How Important Moments in My Life Would Have Been Different if I Was Shot Twice in the Stomach at Close Range
By Jake Swearingen (03/08/01)
My Daydreams, in Descending Order of Recurrence
By George Long (03/07/01)
The History of Karate
By Morgan Hobbs (03/06/01)
I Can Fly
By Mark Davison (03/05/01)
The Surprising Truth About My Young Cousin Josh, Being the Second Chapter in the Memoirs of a Former Professional Literary Agent; With Selected Questions Answered and Certain Promises Fulfilled
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The Needling and the Damage Not Done
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A Letter from the Home for Retired Office Furniture
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This Shape We're In
By Jonathan Lethem
April in Paris
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Art Test
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After the End of the World: A Capsule Review
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A Letter to Frito-Lay
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Post-Valentine's Day Special: State Dates
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Three Thought Experiments (With Study Questions)
By Sean Carman (02/09/01)
Memories of TImes Square
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I Am Concerned About the New York Times Magazine
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Things Everybody Knows
By Gustavo P. Secchi (02/05/01)
What's That Brittle Cracking Sound?
By Jason Ross (02/02/01)
Starting Over With Pat Nixon
By Tom Gliatto (02/01/01)
Social Solecisms Committed by Myself or Others While I Read "The Education of Henry Adams" on the Los Angeles Public Transit System
By Emma Dewald (01/31/01)
A Journal Entry from the Nemesis of Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance
By Bob Bringhurst (01/30/01)
A Transcript of Yesterday's Super Bowl Halftime Show, As It Happened in a Parallel Universe That Only I Can See
By Tim Carvell (01/29/01)
Ask a Former Professional Literary Agent, Part VIII
By John Hodgman (01/26/01)
Some Complaining About Complaining (01/25/01)
Interview with a Twenty-First Century Author about Subjects Related to Twenty-First Century Literature
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FAQ: The Inauguration of George W. Bush
By Neal Pollack (01/22/01)
A Tale of Two Presidents
By Tom Ruprecht (01/19/01)
Short Scenes of an Existential Nature, to Be Performed by Members of an Experimental Theater Troupe
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Remember When? A Collection of 1980s References Without Context or Meaning
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Beyond American Pie: Interpreting Symbolism and Allegory in the Other Songs of Don McLean
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The New Netiquette
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The Sky
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History's Great Persons Reconsidered
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Prank Calling My Mother, Four Transcripts
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Chronicles of Rochveldt Caertflenk, The Ugliest Man in the World
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Six Places We May Have Met
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The Kurt Luchs Money-Making System
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Holiday in Hiroshima
By Tom Bradley (01/02/01)
My Year in Review
By Neal Pollack (12/29/00)
I Write Short Books About the Popular Bands of the Day. Here Is My Story.
By Catherine Zymet (12/28/00)
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By Thomas E. Spoth (12/27/00)
Ask a Former Professional Literary Agent, Part VII
By John Hodgman (12/25/00)
Nick: What Went Wrong
By Stuart Wade (12/22/00)
Happy Holidays From Maria Callas
By Tom Gliatto (12/21/00)
Welcome to the Nestor Township Parade
By Christina Nunez (12/20/00)
Shhh! It's a Baby Shower!
By Alysia Gray Painter (12/19/00)
Email to the Guy Who Runs the Football Pool
By Dan Davis (12/18/00)
How to Avoid a Hangover
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The Seal House: A Moral Multiple Choice
By Linda Kilby (12/14/00)
Same Guy, Next Year: A Tragedy in Four Acts
By Neal Pollack (12/13/00)
Report From Belfast
By Jim Ruland (12/12/00)
Proposed Indian Names for Certain White People
By Paul Maliszewski (12/08/00)
Customer Service at The Karaoke Don Quixote
By J.M. Martinez (12/07/00)
Excerpts From the Script of the Completely Made-Up Walking Tour of Greenwich Village I Have Recently Been Giving, for a Small Fee, to Unsuspecting Tourists
By Dan Kennedy (12/06/00)
Melville's Summaries of the Last Chapters of Moby Dick Before He Sent Them to Hawthorne for Review and Comment
By Michael Dabrasha (12/05/00)
Having Not Been Paying Attention Since 1586
By Benjamin Cohen (12/04/00)
Ann Landers' Parallel Universe
By Jim Stallard (11/30/00)
Discarded Art-Book Proposals, Reconsidered (First in a Series)
By Sean Carman (11/28/00)
Excerpts From The Legendary Correspondence Between John Hodgman, Former Professional Literary Agent, and Lawrence Krauser, New-Book-Writer, Whose Novel, LEMON, is Soon to be Published By McSweeney's Books, a Publishing Concern in Brooklyn, New York (11/27/00)
The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and The Twelve Steps of Creating a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Balloon (as Listed on the MacyParade.com Web Site), Head to Head
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Strange and Obsessive Things I Did as a Kid
By Scott Hollifield (11/22/00)
A Scene From Howard Fast's Epic Communist Allegory, "Spartacus," in Which the Dialogue Has Been Replaced by Dialogue From His Granddaughter Molly Jong-Fast's Recent Novel, "Normal Girl."
By Sam Stark (11/21/00)
How Key Players in the 2000 Election Perform at a Modern Dance Contest
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Excerpts From the Safety Brochure
By Kurt Luchs (11/17/00)
This Week's TV Highlights (May, 2001)
By Christina Nunez (11/16/00)
Shampoo
By Dustin Perkins (11/15/00)
Television (Part II)
By Brad Kloza (11/14/00)
Ask a Brilliant but Eccentric Sleuth Who Is as Mysterious as the Many Legendary Crimes That He Has Solved, and Who Has Since Gone Into Hiding
By John Hodgman (11/13/00)
Revising Strunk and White
By Dan Kennedy (11/10/00)
The Election: Two Transcripts
By Ben Bass and Sarah Schmelling (11/09/00)
Campaign Wrap-Up
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Election Day Special: Diouf v. Wade
By Sylvia Fagin (11/07/00)
How I Won the West
By Neal Pollack (11/06/00)
Nearly 100 Ways To Approach Infinity
By Ian Varley (11/03/00)
Two Stories
By Swith Bell (11/02/00)
Anecdotes About the Authors I've Met
By Kevin Sampsell, Bookstore Employee (11/01/00)
San Francisco Nocturne
By Neal Pollack (10/31/00)
Simpler
By Christina Nunez (10/30/00)
Recent Acquisitions and Temporary Loans
By Alysia Gray Painter (10/26/00)
Medical Mysteries Solved
By Carol Magary Carpenter (10/25/00)
The Birdwatcherist
By Peter Bebergal (10/23/00)
A Clarification
By Vali Chandrasekaran (10/20/00)
Some of the Things They Died of in Nineteenth-Century Santa Barbara, California
By Rose Gowen (10/19/00)
A Spoken-Word Poem for America
By Neal Pollack (10/18/00)
On Message
By Paul Maliszewski (10/17/00)
Ask A Former Professional Literary Agent, Part Five
By John Hodgman (10/16/00)
Genetically modified trees that glow. A very real interview with Katy Presland
By Bob Beier (10/13/00)
Mary Astor Spit Peanuts: The first in a series of fictional anecdotes and stories featuring Abbott and Costello
By Kevin Guilfoile (10/12/00)
Kids Say the Darnedest Things
By Dan Kennedy (10/11/00)
News From the Road
By Neal Pollack (10/10/00)
British Radio Soap Opera Heard Via Weak Shortwave Signal, With Static and Distortion Rendered as Characters in Soap Opera
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Static Personal Growth in 23 Days
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The Great Sag
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Some Little Fables To Help You in Your Life
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A Report to the Commerical Club of Greater Chicago
By Neal Pollack (10/02/00)
Dangerous Atlanta
By Neal Pollack (09/29/00)
The Short Essay That Conquered the Planet
By Tim Carvell (09/28/00)
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By Catherine Zymet (09/27/00)
Ask A Former Professional Literary Agent, Part Four
By John Hodgman (09/26/00)
A Plea for Sanity and Justice
By Neal Pollack (09/22/00)
The Mopier
By John Warner (09/21/00)
A Message From Neal Pollack
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Done in Pen: The Poems of New York Times Puzzle Editor Will Shortz
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A Report on the Habits of the Sexually Ravenous Single Women of New York, Who Also Have Jobs
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Back-to-School Week: Ideas For Yet More Film Adaptations of Classic Novels, Updated and Set in a High School
By Keith Bunin (09/15/00)
Back-to-School Week: Hazing Rituals to Be Inflicted by Me, Assuming That I Now Attend a British Boarding School
By Mike Sacks (09/14/00)
Back-To-School Week: Errata
By Andrew Grossman (09/12/00)
Back-To-School Week: Flight School, Day Two
By Amie Barrodale (09/11/00)
Humor in Uniform
By Tom Nissley (09/08/00)
Forward-Looking Statement
By Stuart Wade (09/07/00)
Urban Myths About Urban Legends
By Rick Larsen (09/06/00)
The Unusual History of My Impending Prominence: A Book-Tour Timeline From the Future
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Untimely Week: A Message From Lovey Johns-Atchison The Acting President of the Trump Place Condo Association
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Untimely Week: NRA Grille Menu
By Noam Weinstein (08/31/00)
Untimely Week: Happier Hairless
By Paul Maliszewski (08/29/00)
Ask A Former Professional Literary Agent
By John Hodgman (08/28/00)
I Write Short Books About the Popular Bands of the Day. Here Is My Story.
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A Brief Autobiography of Camille Paglia, as Told through Introductory Appositive Phrases In Her Online Column
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Francis Heaney's Lipogrammatic Consumer Guide
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New Riddles for Five-Ounce Dixie Cups
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By Tim Carvell (08/08/00)
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A Letter From Ezra Pound to Billy Wilder, 1963
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A Very Special Episode of: Ask the McSweeney's Representative (07/31/00)
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By Neal Pollack (07/26/00)
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Test Your Logic Brain
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Forsaken, the Crew Awaited News from the People Below
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By Christina Nunez (07/20/00)
Imaginary Dialogues
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Periodic Table of the Elementary School
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By John Hodgman (07/17/00)
I Write Short Books About the Popular Bands of the Day. Here Is My Story.
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This Evening at the Brookings Institution: An Unoccupied Microphone
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One Writer's Routine
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Interview with Walter Schmidt, a Scientist Who Extracts Fiber from Chicken Feathers and Once Made a Toy Boat from This Fiber
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Letters Found on Computers at an Internet Café in Bangkok
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People Should Not Laugh at Savings.
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Top Ten Most Censored Press Release of 1998. Crossed Eyes: A New Addition to the Americans With Disabilities Act? (04/02/99)
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Some People Are Not Grateful; Certain Journals Are Now Available in Manhattan; What Will Happen in the Future. (03/04/99)
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Current Band Names Wondered About A Free Service Provided By McSweeney's (Itself a Free Service) (02/18/99)
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Concise Interviews with Notable People Vol. III (01/05/99)
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Mark O'Donnell Week Next Season's Blockbenders. (12/07/98)
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