Any budding engineer or science wiz is welcomed, nay encouraged, to use these instructions for building a jaw-dropping Rube Goldberg machine! Follow specifications to a tee to ensure it works properly.

  • Marble rolls down 45-degree ramp, tapping a line of 3,000 dominos set up in a cool shape like a lightning bolt or a circle.
  • The last of the dominos tips and sets off a mousetrap. The mousetrap rattles and tips a teetering brick onto the head of HR person from my last job who told me I could not bring any of my homemade axes to the office. Brick slides off HR person’s face and tumbles on to small catapult.
  • Small catapult is set off, launching prized potted orchids belonging to know-it-all neighbor Josh into a garage door (backstory: Josh said my 14-page script for a Jurassic Park prequel was terrible because there were no dinosaurs in it — uhhhh it’s a prequel, Josh, it takes place before the first movie, why would there be dinosaurs???).
  • Automatic garage door opens, lifting up one side of a seesaw that it was holding down. As it lifts, bowling ball rolls down the other side. Bowling ball trips serial killer running from police (I am hailed a hero).
  • Bowling ball rolls onto a scale. When the scale measures the bowling ball, dial on the scale spins, and attached to the dial is a fly swatter. The fly swatter smacks the back of a bucking bronco, which lifts its hooves and smashes the car of the county sewer commissioner who wouldn’t take my sewer ideas seriously.
  • Tire on the car rolls off and knocks over a ladder. On the ladder: the high school guidance counselor who told my parents and local authorities I’m not to be trusted with fire.
  • Ladder falls on one end of a teeter-totter, launching a bucket of fire into the air.
  • Bucket of fire lands and hits rope tied to a stake in the ground. The rope is pulling back a spring-loaded axe (best if the homemade kind, please see me about purchasing). When rope burns through, axe is released and smashes the head of the statue in the park of my brother, the so-called “war hero.” Brother sees this and cries.
  • Crybaby brother, who only enlisted in the military because I dared him to, pulls a tissue from a tissue box to dry his crybaby eyes. Tissue is attached to a cord that turns on a large fan.
  • Large fan blows open the door to the office of the county sewer commissioner, catching him in the act of embezzling (I am hailed a hero).
  • Door falls off hinge (made from shoddy materials so sewer commission could skim off the top) and knocks into tire that’s on top of a ramp.
  • Tire rolls down long ramp and across the handles of a series of mallets, which pop up and land on bars of a xylophone, playing the opening to “Under The Sea” (fun, right?).
  • Tire rolls off ramp and bumps ice rink security guard (the one who wouldn’t let me skate barefoot) onto a conveyor belt. While moving on the conveyor belt, machines put pizza toppings on him (the mozzarella, the pepperoni, the marinara, etc.). By the time he gets to the end, he seems like a pizza.
  • Security guard pulls towel from a rack to wipe his face of the pizza toppings. The towel is tied to a leaf blower, which turns on and blows a shopping cart. In the shopping cart: my son, who claims that the Kay Jewelers he manages isn’t allowed to sell any of my exclusive gravel gemstones.
  • Son’s head bumps against a series of glass bottles hanging from ropes. As his head hits each one he cries out a different musical note of the opening to “Under the Sea” (fun, right?). Shopping cart hits bump, sending son flying out of shopping cart.
  • Grand finale: son bashes into the start of a line of human dominoes made up of all the other participants of this Rube Goldberg Machine. (If you would like more people to include, let me know, I have a spreadsheet.) Line of human dominoes set up in a cool shape, like a lightning bolt or circle. As each one is knocked over, they fall into impressive sewer system of my design (please see me for Mario Paint drawings of what this would look like).
  • Last human domino bumps into pendulum. Pendulum swings and grazes (GENTLY) my head, tipping sunglasses from the top of my head on to the bridge of my nose. I say something sweet like “And that’s that!” Video becomes a viral sensation, leading to movie deal for my Jurassic Park prequel, in which I will give you an exclusive off-screen cameo.