“A half-mortal, half-vampire ‘Day Walker’ hero named Blade (Wesley Snipes) walks the Earth with a singular purpose: to save mankind by slaying vampires with his trusty sword. With the help of his white-haired mentor and right-hand-man, Whistler (Kris Kristofferson), Blade must battle his greatest foe yet: the evil vampire leader Deacon Frost (Stephen Dorff) on his bloodthirsty mission to achieve immortality and eradicate humans from Earth.” — plot synopsis of 1998’s Blade
A 2020 Democratic Debate
JOE BIDEN: Folks: I’m not gonna sit up here and divide us. There are Blade fans. And there are non-Blade fans. Myself? I’m a Blade fan. People claim that I called Blade “terrible” back in 1998. But that’s a bunch of malarkey. Disingenuous spin, folks. I called Blade “total horse pucky” in 1998. There’s a difference. My opinion has changed. Blade is a wonderful, wonderful popcorn flick. In many ways, I consider myself the Whistler character of this debate. I’m old. I’m white. I’m wise. I’m seasoned. I kick ass. And I will do everything in my power to stop vampires. But not all vampires are bad, folks. We have to admit that fact and unite. I have worked with vampires before. Reached across the aisle to them. Helped them find fresh human blood at times even! Created an unofficial human-vampire peace accord in good faith. Granted, I woke up covered in my own blood 50+ times over the years with pretty noticeable fang wounds in my neck. But, still.
ELIZABETH WARREN: The novelized version of Blade by Mel Odom is my preferred version of Blade. I read all 352 pages cover-to-cover last night. And I will not mince words up here, my friends: the author of this text makes it abundantly clear that Deacon Frost committed Federal, State, and Vampiric Empire crimes. The people deserve justice. They deserve to hear the truth. We must begin the process of removing Deacon Frost from power before he turns himself into an unstoppable Immortal Vampire God.
PETE BUTTIGIEG: [Speaks fluent vampire for 60 straight seconds.]
CORY BOOKER: [Pulls out replica Blade sword and sunglasses] I’m from Newark, New Jersey. Brick City. I have been fighting for justice on the streets my entire career. Criminal justice reform begins with average people taking action. So: watch Blade? No. I am Blade. You are Blade. We are all Blade.
BETO O’ROURKE: I WAS BORN TO BE BLADE!
[O’Rourke’s campaign immediately tweets out an apology.]
KAMALA HARRIS: I prosecuted Blade in the late-1990s. My sentencing was tough but fair: six months of solitary confinement with intermittent sun-punishment. This is a nation of laws. You cannot go around slaughtering “vampires” with a katana simply because you claim to be a superhero. No one is above justice. Including Blade. Same goes for Deacon Frost. I stand by my record.
TULSI GABBARD: Maybe Deacon Frost isn’t that bad of a guy. I bow to Deacon Frost. And, please, stop accusing me of being a “vampire’s familiar.” Nothing could be more preposterous. I am clearly pro-Blade, but vote Deacon Frost 100% of the time.
[A commotion interrupts the debate.]
[Amy Klobuchar berates 14 vampires until they explode in shame.]
AMY KLOBUCHAR: … Need I say more?
JOHN HICKENLOOPER: Hi. I’m John Hickenlooper. To be totally transparent, I have no idea what’s happening on this stage right now. But if you take anything away from tonight’s debate, I hope it’s this: I’m John Hickenlooper.
KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND: Am I happy Al Franken was a vampire? No. Do I realize that Al Franken fought loyally by Blade’s side for many, many years? Of course. Do I think we lost a valuable ally in the fight against vampires? Absolutely. But what’s right is right. And, whether you like it or not, it was the right thing to do. That’s why I completely fried Al Franken in the sunlight one morning without warning, causing him to vanish in an explosive poof.
BILL DeBLASIO: I love Blane. Blane is my favorite! Although, Blane 2 is pretty fun too. Who doesn’t love Blane? Blane rules.
ANDREW YANG: While everyone is up here debating Blade, I’d just like to say that I’m an Underworld man. And, if you really think about it, more people are “Underworld people” than “Blade people.” It’s not going to capture headlines of anything, but consider me the “Kate Beckinsale vampire-killer franchise” of this primary race. Really consider it.
JULIAN CASTRO: Ditto. But with From Dusk Till Dawn. That was an innovative film. And I am an innovative candidate. Go ahead. Google it.
REMAINING GROUP OF BLAND LOOKING WHITE GUY CANDIDATES: Why aren’t we talking about Blade’s lesser-known goon sidekicks? They deserve time too! What’s their deal? Maybe they have good ideas about defeating Deacon Frost? It’s not fair to just ignore them, even though they look pretty pathetic in every fight scene and cower in fear more often than not. Looks can be deceiving! Vote for us.
BERNIE SANDERS: The oligarchs hiding in the shadows draining the lifeblood of the American middle class are the real problem here, folks. Blade vs. Vampires? Who cares. Misses the point entirely. And why are we even trying to provoke another Humans vs. Vampires war? All the bloodsucking, immortality blood rituals, and Wire-Fu Blade fight sequences only distract from the real horror: the top 1% owns more wealth than the bottom 92%. That’s immoral. That’s wrong. And, if you vote for me, everyone gets an actual Blade sword 100% covered by taxing Wall Street.
DONALD TRUMP TWEETS MID-DEBATE: I hereby pardon Wesley Snipes for tax evasion.
[Mainstream media completely ignores the Democratic debate and covers Trump’s Wesley Snipes tweet for the next two years.]