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Articles by
Patrick Coyne
Patrick Coyne is a comedy writer from Philadelphia. His work has been featured in The New Yorker, Reductress, and The Hard Times, among others.
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April 17, 2024The Boys Are Back in Town (for Johnny’s Funeral)
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December 11, 2023Everything a Barber Could Do During a Haircut Before I Speak Up
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October 25, 2023A Letter to the Parents that Gave My Son Charlie a Bunch of Rocks for Halloween
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August 31, 2023Welcome to Your Benevolent King’s Bottomless Pit
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July 20, 2023My Political Career Should Not Be Defined by the One Time I Got My Dick Stuck in a CVS Blood Pressure Machine
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May 2, 2023One of Us Always Tells the Truth, the Other Always Lies. Also, Contrary to What You May Have Heard My Penis Is Not Small
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April 13, 2023TikTok’s Old Age Filter Shows My Wife and Some Other Guy Standing on My Grave
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February 13, 2023Candy Heart Messages After Elon Musk Buys Sweethearts for $44 Billion
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June 29, 2022First Drafts of Classic Movie Quotes
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March 22, 2022First Drafts of the Greatest Opening Sentences in Literature
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January 19, 2022Increasingly Convoluted Rules for Ordering a Philly Cheesesteak Like a Local
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July 12, 2017CÜCK – The New Furniture Assembly Service From IKEA
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May 16, 2024Hi, Architectural Digest, Welcome to My Home (That I Don’t Live In)
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May 16, 2024An Open Letter to Whoever Keeps Making My Wife Laugh on Slack
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May 15, 2024Final Exam for the Class “What a Presidential Candidate Can and Cannot Survive, Apparently” Taught by Howard Dean
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May 15, 2024“Ruining Your Credit So No One Wants to Steal Your Identity”: An Excerpt from Evan Waite’s New Book Life Wants You Dead