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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.
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L E T T E R S .
[Please send printable correspondence to mcsweeneysmail@yahoo.com. Thank you.] - - - - DEAR READERS AND WRITERS OF THE LETTERS SECTION: We are trying to make this section easier on the eyes. There will be fewer letters, and more editing. If you feel you are being passed over unduly, you may note as much at the top of your letter. We are your friends, and will try to listen. - - - - Date: Tue, 20 Jun 2000
Dear McSweeney's, On the last day of Spring when people come to accept that Summer has arrived and put away even the light jackets they have left hanging over chairs, there can always be found one or two stubborn individuals wearing heavy thermal ski jackets, insulated snowpants, gloves, hats, and goggles, and who, if you happen to make eye contact with them, will give you a look at once haughty and full of sorrow. As for the hedgehog, its heart beats 300 times a minute. Thanks again,
- - - - Date: Wed, 21 Jun 2000
Dear McSweeney's, My 12-year-old nephew was recently nabbed lifting three lighters from a grocery store and a wallet from a large retailer. His grandfather (my dad) took him back to both stores and made him return the goods. Nephew apologized and said he planned to sell the items and use the money to buy me a birthday present. Cusp of Leo,
- - - - Date: Wed, 21 Jun 2000
Dear McSweeney's, Carlos Santana: A talented musician who fell in with the wrong crowd. Show him the meaning of being lonely? Yes, yes, in due time! Dw. Dunphy - - - - Date: Wed, 11 June 2000
Dear McSweeney's, I have been working out a few advertising slogans, so that future employers might get a sense for my pithy and lucid style: Grand Am is the car for driving.
Thank you very much. - - - - Date: Wed, 21 June 2000
Dear McSweeney's, sarcastic part: I thought I was gonna start a revolution with my devil may care use of lower case letters. I thought I was gonna inspire all manner of job-leavery and neck-scarf-loosening amongst the mcsweeneys set by referring to myself as luke instead of Luke. I thought that combining silly words to form awkward verb phrases like that crusty old guy on the onion "letter from the editor" page, who we all know is a rip off of Monty Burns, was cutting edge. I have been wrong about alot of things. sincere part: I appreciate the kind words from Mr. Pascover. I do know that things will, as they say, take a turn for the better. For example, right now, my girlfriend is on her way to Boston to see me, and I am having "laughs" and sharing a few beers with my closest friends. Plus, I got a letter from the Boston Phoenix saying that they did, in fact, get my resume, and they will, in fact, give me a call--if they find that we are a good match. Yours,
- - - - Date: 22 Jun 2000
Dear McSweeney's, When we are worried about forgetting something we write it down. Once written down we stop worrying. Once we stop worrying we start to forget. So, lest we forget we must be in a constant state of worry, we must constantly live and relive the fear of that loss. And yet, to be in a constant state of worry, what sort of life is that? None. So let us write it all down and forget. Here's my list:
Not too shabby. I feel more vapid and ethically aerodynamic already! Rock, as ever, on,
- - - - Date: Thu, 22 Jun 2000
Dear McSweeney's, Good afternoon! How are you specifically? I'm not too bad, not too bad at all. I'm trying to get over a cold though; today is day 2 of 'Operation Hydration'. I'm drinking bottled water as if it were illegal. I hope the sniffles go away! Then the coughs-now if I could just not chain-smoke cigarettes for a bit... But I smoke-and dammit, I'm a smoker! I went to group therapy last night. Where were you? It was such a serious group too. The therapist set the tone, then everybody talked about how serious everything was in such serious tones of voice. I like it better when they bring out the dancing girls. I also like when Rocco dresses up like Elvis. I hope to see you again in therapy soon! Benjamin J. Gilton. - - - - Date: Fri, 23 Jun 2000
Dear McSweeney's, This guy at a party the other night said he is writing a book on depression. Then he said he's writing a book about Abraham Lincoln. I said, "So, what is it? A book on depression or a book on Lincon?" "Both. It's a book about Abraham Lincoln's bouts with depression." The guy sitting next to us overhears this and says, "Yeah, now that I think about it, every picture you ever see of him he looks kind of down." Honest- Dan Kennedy
- - - - Date: Sun, 25 Jun 2000
Dear McSweeney's: When Adam and Eve were thrown out of Eden, dogs stayed behind in the Garden for awhile, with God. There was much discussion with God, and with the other animals, about what had just happened with the Man and Woman. For several weeks, we pressed God to go take a look at what the Man and Woman were doing, out in the rest of the World, and come back, and report to us. The reports were silly. It isn't that God isn't articulate; rather, that God was focussing on things we thought insignificant.. What we wanted to know was: 1. What are they eating? 2. Is it dark out there? As Usual,
- - - - Date: 26 Jun 2000
Dear McSweeney's, two addenda to my previous letter, dated Not-Today: And still, sometimes you forget everything, everything that you know about living in the city and being yourself and you walk through the crowds on the street as though you were all naked and all lovers, neverminding to bump into people, to touch them slightly as you go by, to grab an arm and say, "Yes, I know, we must all get where we are going! Here we are, and we do things! Isn't it wonderful!" Other times you forget everything, where you work, why you are wearing shoes, what English is, who these people are, and all you want is that perfect confluence of bullet and brain. I am working on a sitcom called "ActionBus." If anybody out there is Gary or Penny Marshall, give me a call. Best wishes,
- - - - Date: Mon, 26 Jun 2000
Dear McSweeney's, Did you know that , according to Amazon's "Purchase Circles", A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius is popular with the US Dept. of Justice? Does that worry you at all? Just thought you might like to know. But, then again, maybe we shouldn' t be worrying about what Amazon has to say to us. Not at all. Have a great day.
PS - Sorry about any typos, but they are my forte. - - - - Date: Tue, 27 Jun 2000
Dear McSweeney's, Thanks to Dw. Dunphy for his informative letter. May I make a suggestion, though? From now on let's all use STICKTOITIVITY instead of STICKTOITIVENESS when we are neologistically referring to tenacity. STICKTOITIVITY has such a lovely titter to it, and it's shorter, and it dodges that little ENE part at the end, which looks so weird if you happen across it in isolation (I mean the isolation of the letters, not the isolation of your personal person). If any of you out there know something about the so-called "Inter-Net," perhaps you could design a "virus" that would invade all the world's "computers" and make the suggested change, completely, overnight. Meanwhile I will undertake the task of altering all print references to STICKTOITIVENESS currently extant. Don't thank me in advance for this. I'm very busy and I don't know when I'll get to it. Yours totally,
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