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L E T T E R S .
[Please send printable correspondence to mcsweeneysmail@yahoo.com. Thank you.] - - - - Date: Thu, 12 Oct 2000From: Gillian Beebe Subject: Michael Mitchell Dear Michael Mitchell, Did you know that Gak is the name of a band? Or maybe now a former band. Their original as in first as far as I know name was Ghost House, or Ghosthouse. They were wonderful. They used to play in my living room. Isn't it funny how that word is almost loving? I once asked the bass player to show me the tips of his fingers. They were, amazingly, soft and supple like a baby's. I was sure they would be callused and crusty with festering scabs. He played that thing so hard! Listening closely, Gillian - - - - Date: Thu, 12 Oct 2000From: rollo Dear McSweeney's, This morning, as I ran across the street against the light trying to beat the oncoming traffic, I got stuck in one of those back-and-forth "shall we dance?" fake-outs with this guy who was running across the street in my direction. Only it was fast and frantic and we were actually running into each other and the big metal death cars were closing in. Sincerely, Rollo Romig - - - - Date: Thu, 12 Oct 2000From: Michael Brodeur Subject: Big noodles Dear McSweeney's I nearly choked on a big noodle today. I should be more careful, I know, but I was taken aback by the sudden entrance of what I think was Gene Shalit. Someone even said "Hey, Gene Shalit" and he said "Hello, how are you?" But I'm still not convinced. Very possibly wrong, Michael Andor Brodeur - - - - Date: Fri, 20 Oct 2000From: Mike Marlett Subject: Neal Pollack's underpants Dear McSweeney's, Re: Sommer Browning's 26 Sep 2000 problem: I, for one, am grateful that Neal is wearing (blue) underwear. Still, as one of my friends remarked, what do you do with a poster like that? It's funny, but you can't really put it on the wall. But if you tuck it in the back of the closet or under the bed, some day your girlfriend, wife, children or mother will find it. -Mike - - - - Date: Fri, 20 Oct 2000 22:34:15 -0700 (PDT)From: M Rosaura Subject: I'm still mad at you Dear McSweeney's, They say when you are drowning you can get confused about whether you are moving up towards the surface or down towards the bottom. They (the diving experts) advise you to look for air bubbles to find your way up. - - - - Date: Sat, 21 Oct 2000From: Mike Topp Subject: Bringing the News Dear McSweeney's: I thought the old man was asleep when I reached his cabin in the woods with the letter, but it turned out that what I had taken for the old man was just a half-opened cardboard box which contained some styrofoam peanuts and a color TV. Sincerely, Mike Topp - - - - Date: Sat, 21 Oct 2000From: Mike Topp Subject: The Tiny People Dear McSweeney's: Can you imagine a race of people who aren't any taller than four and a half feet? Nobody can. Best, Mike Topp - - - - Date: Mon, 23 Oct 2000From: Mike Topp Subject: Meditation Dear McSweeney's: Meditation is about more than sitting at home in a dirty diaper. Sincerely, Mike Topp - - - - Date: Mon, 23 Oct 2000From: Karl Tobias Steel Dear McSweeney's: It's been a while since I last wrote. A lot has happened, but you don't need to know about it. I have a question. I read in the bathroom. I often read when I pee, generally magazines, sometimes books light enough to be held open with one hand. Yesterday, I was re-reading Nicholson Baker's "U & I." It's not an ideal book for my purposes, as its paragraphs are too long to be consumed in 2 to 3 minute chunks. Regardless, I dropped the book in the toilet yesterday. By some blessed luck, this book, uncommonly small, did not fall completely into the toilet. It did not get damp. But if it had, what should I have done? Years and years ago, too long ago to be as embarrassed as I am, still, I affected a fedora. This too I dropped in a toilet. It did get damp, but I liked the fedora too much, and wore it after it dried, knowing a micturated brim encircled my head. Wondering if I'm okay, Karl Steel New York City - - - - Date: Mon, 23 Oct 2000Subject: Status update from Iowa City Dear McSweeney's, I find myself vacillating between extremes. Are things just really horrible, and am I right to take such a bitter, defeatist view of human relationships--or is life a cheerful dream where flirtation and camaraderie are just delightfully omnipresent and tingling? And another thing--Is it just me, or can I blame others as well? Thanks in advance for the kind words of encouragement. Leaving here soon, I am Bill Fisher - - - - Date: Mon, 23 Oct 2000From: Sara Eve Roseman Subject: An update Dear McSweeney's, I just wanted to let everyone know that we're fine. My job is still good and I like my co-workers. I'm still no thinner. But, other than some credit card debt, we're doing well. Lucy's paw seems to have healed on its own. --Sara Eve Roseman - - - - Date: Wed, 25 Oct 2000From: Mike Topp Subject: Dark Passage Dear McSweeney's: The hiring of a lawyer is an important decision that should not be based solely upon advertisements. Before you decide, ask the lawyer or the law firm to send you free written information about the lawyer or law firm's qualifications and experience. Thank you, Mike Topp - - - - Date: Wed, 25 Oct 2000Subject: Famous Dogs Dear McSweeney's, Sometimes I look at my web page statistics to see what the people of our Internet Age have typed into search engines to randomly come across my page. Last week, I noticed someone had searched for the following in Google: Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro are the names of a pair of dogs owned by which famous Indian This is so very real that it nearly frightens me. I tried it out and my web page is the only one that comes up. I should note that in the text, none of these words (except for Al and Pacino, Robert and DeNiro) occurs together. Please, please hold me, for I need to be reassured of my sanity. Searching for answers, Marco Carbone - - - - Date: Wed, 25 Oct 2000From: mike smith Subject: A new job at a jazz club where fortunately I have not yet received any permanently debilitating prank proposals that have rendered me forevermore unable to receive the millions of proposals I get every day via telephone, email and on the street without first questioning the sincerity of said proposals. Dear McSweeney's, I often lie awake at night wondering why no one from McSweeney's ever calls me. Granted, you don't have my number.. I am aware that McSweeney's is now publishing books. The following is a list of proposed topics that I am willing and ready to research if you are interested. 1)Salty bar snacks. (I will need a control group and a stretch limosine.) Bye, Mike - - - - Date: 25 Oct 00From: Peter Kuntz Subject: Limn Cut Off Dear McSweeney's, By my count, Michiko Kakutani has published two consecutive daily NYT book reviews without using some derivation of the term "limn." Progress? - - - - Date: 26 Thu, Oct 2000From: Chris Eaton Subject: yahoo.mcsweeneys.dabomb Dear McSweeney's, Tim, buddy, just polished off my first McSweeney's. Loved it. Ben Marcus is entirely remarkable. As are Lydia Davis and Steven the Irish setter and just about everyone excepting Rodney Rothman (although I wouldn't mind getting a copy of The Rodney Rothman Holy Bible with the Word 'Beget' Replaced by the Phrase 'Made Pitiless Love to Former Texas Governor Ann Richards, Resulting in.' I recently sent you a short piece of fiction via your submissions email, but now I will write you another as you are so special and dear to me. Expect soon. Hoooooooo! Chris Eaton - - - - Date: Thu, 26 Oct 2000 16:49:16 -0500From: Anaheed Alani Subject: Neal will be immediately preceded by David Gergen. Dear McSweeney's, I was watching this hokey and great special about Bill Clinton on, like, A&E or something, and they interviewed a lot of people who know Bill Clinton, and one of them was David Gergen, and David Gergen said about BC (I'm paraphrasing), "He has a temper. But it's very quick. He blows up and then it's over. It's almost ... Italianlike. You know how they are, Italians? How they will blow up and get really mad and then they'll, like, hug you right afterward." Someone should ask him about that at that Neal Pollack appearance. --Anaheed Alani - - - - Date: Thu, 26 Oct 2000 18:01:45 -0400Subject: FW: Help needed Subject: Help needed Can anyone please let me know how to fix this light over my head in 6th floor. Its driving me nuts. Too bright and hot. thanks a lot, sam - - - - Date: Sat, 28 Oct 2000From: Gregory Purcell Subject: Wrong Dear _______________, The tissue paper I thought I was buying was called "Quilted Mortimer." It's true I was wrong--however, it gives one pause. Clean, Greg Purcell - - - - Date: Sat, 28 Oct 2000From: Dan Kennedy Subject: HE'S STILL OUT THERE. SOMEWHERE. Dear McSweeney's, I would never claim to have the magic formula for creating great fiction. I would, however, claim to have quite a simple system that has showed some surprising results in tests recently. Simply take the basic framework of the story JAWS By Peter Benchley, and replace the shark with an antagonist that suits your genre. Romance = Change shark to woman Mystery = Change shark to clever homicide I'm currently working on an action/adventure story in which a motorcycle daredevil creates havoc in a small seaside tourist town much to the chagrin of summer tourists and the local sheriff. Dan Kennedy . New York, New York - - - - Read Previous Letters:
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