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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.
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L E T T E R S .
[Please send printable correspondence to mcsweeneysmail@yahoo.com. Thank you.] - - - - Date: Thu, 2 Nov 2000From: Jessi Wilson Subject: What to do with Neal Pollack's poster Re: Mike Marlett's dilemma You could, if you were feeling bored, go to Kinko's and make several copies of the poster to mail to friends in various parts of the continental United States of America. You would go into the Kinko's store thinking they have some miraculous machine that will somehow photograph the poster, shrink it and produce copies of it at a manageable and mailable size. You would be wrong. Instead you would be waited on by a slightly inept young man who recommends copying the poster in three sections, while unfurling it for all the store to see. You would, perhaps, be biting your nails, wanting to get this over with in the 15 minutes you alotted it before a dinner engagement. The young man helping you would have other plans, though. He would stop the poster, with the top half suggestively rolled up over the machine; Neal, but not the cat, peeking out to say hello to a father and his young daughter in line behind you, while the Kinko's clerk goes to wait on two other customers for at least a half an hour. Meanwhile, a line of people needing to copy resumes and syllabi would impatiently tap their feet, feeling that, maybe, making a life-size copy of a scantily clad man and his close companion ranks a little bit lower on the totem pole of copying than do academic or employment pursuits. But when the kinko's clerk hands you the three sections of the first copy, you would smile sweetly, and say, one more please. Jessi Wilson - - - - Date: Tue, 17 Oct 2000From: M Rosaura Subject: conversation Agent E, Here is a phone number that you can reach me at today before 4:00. Please do not post it since it is my mothers phone. If I do not hear from you or from someone I will be at the meeting place at 6:00 tonight. I am also well-suited for a telephone conversation in order to clarify certain issues. [·] I look forward to hearing from you or a representative. Agent B. - - - - Date: Tue, 17 Oct 2000From: Darren Higgins Subject: Neal Pollack Rocks Seattle Dear McSweeney's, I saw your friend, Neal Pollack, in Seattle last night. I heard tell that he was handsome beyond all compare. While his charms were slow to work on me, my girlfriend was smitten before the first bead of sweat even rolled down his forehead. I chose to verbally confront Mr. Pollack at the book-signing table after the reading. I didn't need another genius author coming between me and my girlfriend. Not this time. Not again. He was somewhat taken aback, unsure of how best to handle my jealous rage, but he had nothing to fear, not really. I realized almost immediately that I did not want to harm him - after all, his physical beauty is not his fault (or so it's said). His undeniable "way with the ladies" is clearly something he cannot simply turn on and off. I paused. What did I want? I merely sought . . . I merely sought healing. I was immediately ashamed at my brusque approach. I apologized to Mr. Pollack. My girlfriend was relieved, grateful that this book reading at least would not end in fisticuffs. Sensing that peril had passed, he took kind command. He told us not to give in to envy. He said, yes this is exactly what he said, that we were beautiful together. We went home happy and nobody got hurt. So why am I writing? To say thanks. Mr. Pollack, I don't know where you are or where you came from, but thank you. Thank you, Neal Pollack, from the bottom of my septic heart. Sincerely, Darren Higgins Seattle, Washington - - - - Date: Mon, 30 Oct 2000From: Turk Alexandra Subject: His tone was equal. . . Dear McSweeney's- I have noticed that you have not printed my last two e-mails, one of which was concerning the special system that I secretly devised to locate Neil Pollack merely by putting his name in the names of certain web retailers, and thus using the data extrapolated to trace him. I am not bitter, but would you print my e-mail if it was short like this? I have noticed that "less" is sometimes "more printable." -Turk Alexandra P.S. Would it also help if I didn't use words such as "extrapolated?" or "tulle?" - - - - Date: Mon, 30 Oct 2000From: B.R. Cohen Subject: The attention of two interesting things brought to me by a friend Dear McSweeneys, There's a line in Barton Fink that my friend keeps repeating. It's when the guy played by Tony Shaloub, who is a director, or something, says that Bill Mayhew, thefamous writer guy, played by the father on Frasier now, is a souse. "He's a souse. A souse souse souse." And he says it real funnily. Kindof like the word 'funnily.' I don't understand much else of the film. The other thing I forget now. I'm not sure I got the souse line correct either, in retrospect. Did I spell Shaloub correctly? Not Mike Topp, But, Ben - - - - Date: Mon, 30 Oct 2000Subject: A report from the working man in Kansas City. Dearest McSweeneys, Last week, the street filled with firefighters and police and hazardous materials troopers. They were donning their shiny suits to enter our deathtrap building. Everyone had stopped working and was looking out the windows, as none of us knew what was going on. This went on for minutes and minutes. Then someone got off the phone and said someone on the 5th floor (we have 8 floors!) opened an envelope filled with Anthrax. Pregnant women panicked, management ran for the hills, I called my mom. After telling her hello and how are you, I informed her that I was working. She was relieved. Then I told her I was going to die from Anthrax that some anti-insurance extremist had sent in. The elevators were shut down and messages came over the computer alerting everyone to the concept of an emergency situation. 2 women from the 5th floor were taken into a bathroom, stripped, hosed down and put in plastic suits. When no one was looking, I ran down the stairs with my jacket over my head and went home. Turns out it was just ammonia. But someone sent it in an envelope, so that's obviously an act of belligerence, right? Anyway, when it came time to fill out my time card, I wrote 8 hours instead of 7. No one noticed. I am now 11 dollars richer. P.S. I've noticed yet another acquaintance on the letters page. This is becoming a disturbing trend. I want my niche back. - - - - From: Carrie GauthierDate: Mon, 30 Oct 2000 Subject: Today in History, We Have Stories McSweeney's, Random and inconsistent utterances of the day: "I don't have a head yet." "Ms. VF, she needs a head." "Today was terrible. We were out of paper plates." "Does this soup smell funny to you?" Smelling soup, "No. It smells like seafood." "Well, I can't eat it." "Why not? Does it taste funny?" "No. It smells like, you know..." "No, I don't. What?" "You know...."(embarrassed now) "Man or woman?" "Man." "Oh. Send it back." "M* is a canine drag queen who goes out with women that look like 18-year-old boys." "I've seen L* mop pub floors with her hair extentions." "When we cleaned out my Aunts' room we found eight bottles of cough syrup under her bed." Yours, Carrie Gauthier - - - - Date: Mon, 30 Oct 2000From: mark walters Subject: (No Subject) Dear McSweeney's, Tonight, the furnace in my building will turn on in the middle of the night and it will wake me up. I don't mind, because the furnace helps keep me warm and the sounds it makes are beautiful. The little tap tap tapping of the pipes. When I imagine the furnace in my building, though I have never seen it, I imagine this massive chunk of metal in the corner of the basement, sending out warm air to my apartment and to the other apartments in my building. The furnace, when I imagine it, is lit up inside with a soft golden light. - - - - Date:Tue, 31 Oct 2000From: Alex Pascover Subject: Re: Ben Greenman's "What 100 People, Real and Fake, Believe About Dolores" Dear McSweeney's-- Wow. That was really, really, good. Maybe the best thing I've seen on your site. Certainly the best thing I've read in months. --Alex Pascover - - - - Date: Wed, 1 Nov 2000From: luke o'neil Subject: Dying Dear McSweeney's, You know how the lists on this site often take a little turn at the end and include a seemingly straight faced answer or something? I swear to you, it kills me everytime. I mean it. Thanks for having me, "Luke" O'Neil - - - - Date: Wed, 1 Nov 2000From: M. Ryan Purdy Subject: Omissions and comedic formlessness. Dear McSweeney's, Two or so things: (a) At the bottom of your letters page, archived letters are given links, such as "Letters, Page 30." However, I noticed something a while back that your fact-checkers, in a rare moment of fatigue, seem to have overlooked. I thought the problem may go away in time, but it has not. The problem: there is no "Letters, Page 35" link, although if one types in the correct url (http://mcsweeneys.net/letters/letters35.html), one will be able to see the letters to which said link, were it to exist, would point. If you are going to fix this, could you please somehow post my letter first, or else I could seem delusional. I'm serious. (b) What would you do if you, like me, saw joke-writer-to-the-stars and Hollywood Squares regular, Bruce Villanch on the NYC subway on a Thursday night? I bet, like me, you'd agree with that friend of mine who once described him as a 'formless muppet,' because it happens to be true. Thanks. Take care of yourselves. Yours, M. Ryan Purdy Brooklyn, NY - - - - Date: Wed, 1 Nov 2000From: Kristin Tracy Subject: hiroshima Dear McSweeney's - A few quotable quotes from the family archives: "I'll bet if I had enough water, I could put that out." - my brother at age 7, Eric upon the explanation of what the eternal flame at Hiroshima meant "We're going to have to go with what we've got. I just set the zucchini on fire." - my father, minutes before dinner after a grilling mishap Kristin Peterson Columbia, MD - - - - Date: Wed, 1 Nov 2000From: Chris Cotner Subject: It's been a long, lonely time Dear McSweeney's, Oklahoma could not be better, but I could. I am taking time out today to let you know, in case you were wondering, that I am not finished with this website. Other things have cropped up that demand all the attention my writing skills. When these things are over I will return in full glory. Just a heads up. - - - - Date: Thu, 2 Nov 2000From: Sarah M. Balcomb Subject: No more subjects, relatively tiresome and/or toothsome Dear McSweeney's: If one more person tries to stop me for "Just a quick question about your hair, Miss," I swear to god I'm going to kill that person. I shouldn't complain, but I've been having a bad day since making the following calculations: hours in a week: 168 hours at the office (average): 38 hours spent commuting (at least): 8 hours sleeping (approximate): 56 hours left to self (generous): 66 Sorry, but this is just not enough, especially given that those 66 hours must be divided between eating, spending time with friends and lovers, reading, movie watching, walking, smoking, drinking, waxing euphemistic, whittling, breathing, fronting street style, stretching, understanding other's pain, stretching canvases, controlling one's ever growing rage, blinking, buying shoes, dealing with despair, darts, maintaining my jocular facade, fidgeting, salvaging some sense of self-respect, applying lotion to rough spots like elbows and heels, looking optimistically towards a brighter future, washing hair and feet and in between, passively swallowing placeboes, tending to paper cuts, contemplating the cosmos, fielding pop flies, coming up with witty retorts for telemarketers, etc.... Not to mention a little thing I like to call "The Next Great American Novel (Turn of the Century Version)." I am only one woman. Yours, Sarah M. Balcomb - - - - Date: Fri, 3 Nov 2000From: Carrie Gauthier Subject: My Pal Jeffrey's Sixth Grade Class Assignment Dear Mr. President. I think you should make the toilets in the boys bathroom higher in Bourne Middle School. I think this because they are small. You need to stand on your knees to go. Lots of other boys don't like them either. That is what I think. From Jeff Monat - - - - Date: Mon, 6 Nov 2000From: Chuck Easterling Subject: Lanyards for Tommy Dear McSweeney's, When I take pictures using a digital camera and people ask if they can look at the Liquid Crystal Display window I never let them. I'd let you though, Chuck Easterling - - - - Date: Fri, 13 Oct 2000From: Anne Soeder Subject: Hair Salon Names Dear McSweeney's, These are names of hair salons in my area. Real names... "Get Your Locks Off" "Hair'Em" This is an oldie but real..."United Hair Force" I'm a salon owner. It's amazing what people think is a good idea. Anne - - - - Date: Mon, 16 Oct 2000From: Todd J. Pierce Subject: Legal Options Regarding Bird Dear McSweeneys People: Before I got married I had a bird who loved me. Well, a cockatoo to be exact. A small cockatoo, called technically a Goffins cockatoo, who'd run the side of her perch each morning, would lick my fingers through the tiny, green bars of her cage, a bird who'd let me mess up all of her feathers so that she looked like a Vegas showgirl. Since I got married, I have a cockatoo who now loves my wife. Please advise me of my legal options. Are punitive damages out of the question? Sincerely, Todd Pierce - - - - Read Previous Letters:
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