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L E T T E R S .
[Please send printable correspondence to mcsweeneysmail@yahoo.com. Thank you.] - - - - Date: Wed, 22 Nov 2000From: Jim P. Walsh Subject: Feathered Soldiers Dear McSweeney's, Mike Topp is interested in homing pigeons, the "Feathered Soldiers" of his grandpappy's time. Recently, a member of my condo association has become interested in homing pigeons, which has given all of us a unique, once in a lifetime opportunity to learn about "homers" and the astonishing amount of waste they produce. Their loft is on the north side of the building, out of the wind, and high enough that the neighborhood dogs can only sniff in vain. Other interesting facts: 1. Homing pigeons can fly at average speeds of 40 miles per hour. Picture yourself in a car traveling at 35 miles an hour, with a pigeon flying above you, and passing you. It seems difficult to believe, yet it's true. 2. The two guys who work at the feed store where Tom buys feed for his pigeons have maybe five teeth between them. They do not share the teeth. 3. Homing pigeons, like racehorses, show dogs, and the Wellesley alumnae of yore, have extensive pedigrees. Some homers have market prices of over ten thousand dollars. 4. People who own homing pigeons claim to perceive distinctions between their pets and common street pigeons, often called "sky rats," or "garbage birds." Homing pigeons are supposedly more intelligent, cleaner, and thinner. These distinctions are invisble to me. 5. There are homing pigeon catalogs with ads for such pigeons. Each page is tiled with seemingly identical pictures of pigeons. Only the pedigrees, racing records, and prices seem to differ. These catalogs remind one of what Andy Warhol would have achieved had he chosen glossy paper and pigeon, rather than silkscreen and Mao. 6. Homing pigeons return to a place they fix in their minds around the time they grow their flight feathers. The process of acclimating them to this spot and getting them to return from progressively longer distances takes up to a few months. For this reason, they would seem to be exceptionally impractical in wartime, when success rides upon rapid communication between quickly-moving troops. 6a. This same feature makes them somewhat impractical for civilian use as well. It was suggested we use the homing pigeons to order pizza, but we would either have to raise homing pigeons over at Godfather Pizza ("The Pizza You Can't Refuse") or train them to carry approximately fifteen times their own weight in pizza without falling prey to hawks or muggers. Both seemed dubious, so we continue to use the telephone until something better comes along. 7. When homing pigeons are released from a coop to fly home to their loft, they take off as a group into the air, and fly, in tight formation, in steadily widening circles until they choose the correct direction. Then they all fly off together. In the skies above the Fermilab nuclear accelator southwest of Chicago, it's a pretty sight. Jim Walsh - - - - Date: Wed, 22 Nov 2000From: Jim Crocamo Subject: Scott Hollifield's "Strange and Obsessive Things I Did As Dear Scott Hollifield, You think that's strange? I grew up in a place called Farmdale. I jousted my friend with wiffle bats while on our bikes. I turned my garage into a place I called "The Art Hole" and drew a huge picture of Dick Tracy on the floor in chalk. When I was sick I put all of my old tissues in my Tonka truck and then drove it to the trash can periodically. The first time I threw up I was convinced the Easter Island heads had something to do with it. I memorized Jabberwocky when I was four. That's just the tip of the iceberg! Sincerely, Jim Crocamo Dear McSweeney's, Congratulate me. Today I am an adult! I have a very nasty cold, yet I did not call in sick to work. I am here, truly miserable! Sincerely, Mr. Jim Crocamo - - - - Date: Wed, 22 Nov 2000From: jamieb9@ix.netcom.com | Block address Subject: A Plea for Resolution Dear Editors and My Fellow Americans, A Plea For Resolution As professor of African and Indo-Eurasian Reproductive Studies, I must make a plea to the nation, to the politicians, to the electors, to all men and women who care about justice and decency, to let the madness end. Multitudes are adversely effected by the events of these past few weeks in ways that many cannot begin to imagine. Consider if you will, my own situation. In my work, I currently spend my days in pursuit of information about pregnancy rates in the country of Chad. I had to get to entry 843 (of 386,321, as opposed to a managable 15,804 just one month ago) in my Google search before I even saw mention of the nation, and even then, it was it's ballots, not bellies, that were being discussed. Consider the children. The heavyset young Chad that now has that most humiliating knick-name, "pregnant." Consider his pockmarked namesake, "dimpled" Chad. Consider the Chad facing death row, who, on top of everything else, is now "the infamous, hanging" Chad. And consider the people of the struggling African nation, who now have had to apportion a considerable portion of their time and budget to the redirecting of phone calls. Are their plights insignificant? I beseach each and every member of this great nation, especially Chad Lowe, who clearly has little else of value to do with his free time besides support his talented bride and envy his brother, to rise up and call for an end to this electoral madness. Thank you. -C. Curtis, College Park - - - - Date: Wed, 22 Nov 2000From: Dan Kennedy Subject: LOOKING BACK Dear McSweeney's, Doesn't it seem like this election is taking way longer than the last one? Dan Kennedy - - - - Date: Wed, 22 Nov 2000From: Dan Kennedy Subject: HOW TO MAKE YOUR OWN LATIN EXPLOSION Dear McSweeney's- If you interpret the first three of the following phrases with your hands and arms, and then the last one using only your right leg, you'll be dancing like Ricki Martin. 1. "Five plus five makes ten." 2. "Where is my wallet?" 3. "Scan the horizon" 4. "Get the snake off my boot." Living life in a crazy or insane manner- Dan Kennedy New York, New York - - - - Date: Wed, 22 Nov 2000From: Mike Topp Subject: Thumbs Dear McSweeney's: After work one day I was walking home with my boss and another guy. I started to talk about how when the computers crashed everybody just sat around and twiddled their thumbs, but then I noticed that the other guy was missing the thumb on his left hand. When I saw that, I took my boss aside, and told him we should fire that other guy. Sincerely, Mike Topp - - - - Date: Wed, 22 Nov 2000From: Mike Topp Subject: Goldfish Dear McSweeney's: I still remember the day I flushed my pet goldfish down the toilet. At first I felt really bad, but later that same day I nailed our cat's tongue to the floor and set fire to my ant farm, so, in retrospect, it didn't seem like such a big deal. Yours, Mike Topp - - - - Read Previous Letters:
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