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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.
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L E T T E R S .
[Please send printable correspondence to mcsweeneysmail@yahoo.com. Thank you.] - - - - Subject: Secrets of the World Revealed on I-29Date: Sat, 25 Nov 2000 Dear McSweeney's, My car ran out of gas and would not start again, stuck on the shoulder of a 2 lane highway. I put the "Need Gas" sign in the window and got out and began walking. I debated with the wisdom, but eventually stuck out my thumb, but did not turn around so as to appear more roguish and intriguing, rather than desperate. I did not expect anyone to stop, but I heard a horn behind me and there was a giant white semi. The driver let me in and took me to the gas station 10 miles down the road. He had a can of honey roasted nuts on the dashboard. I got a gas can and gas while he went for McDonalds. We met up and he started taking me back to my car. I asked him what he had hauled and he told me once he had hauled 50 million dollars in newly minted coins and had to wait 12 hours for the FBI security check to clear him before letting him into the treasury. Then, while there, he saw two agents pointing their machine guns at him. He looked down and was leaning on a box of used 100 dollar bills. He also shipped 100 million dollars worth of compaq laptops and was shepherded by two suburbans in front and one in back, all filled with "4 men with submachine guns" as his escort. When I got the gas in my car and it started I went to thank him. I told him I didn't think truckers ever picked up hitchhikers. He said, "Naw, they'll pick you up usually, unless you look like some sort of a male prostitute." "So, I guess I don't look like a male prostitute?" "Naw, you don't have to worry." And that's why it was the best Thanksgiving ever. signed, Christopher Sebela - - - - Date: Mon, 27 Nov 2000From: matt fraction // man of action! Subject: Another thing To whom it may concern: The guy says-- and I'm not making this up-- "Welcome to the Coliseum of Ideas!" What was he talking about? His bedroom? I don't know. What kind of guy would say that? Not any kind of guy at all. Thank you for your time and consideration in this matter, Matt Fraction America's Sweetheart - - - - Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2000From: nmatthew wignell Subject: The nature of whales Dear McSweeney's, When I was a child I read a series of books about two brothers , Hal and Roger who searched the world (though predominantly Africa ) for exotic species to return to their fathers zoo. - - - - Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2000From: Karl Tobias Steel Subject: The cop said, "You know, there are easier ways to meet people." Dear McSweeney's: A bike hit a cab door last night. Me, I was on the bike, zipping through the Upper East Side to get to my Bronx apartment. The bike hit the door, I hit Park Avenue, and I sprang up, and I was ok. While waiting for the police, the three of us (passenger, driver, medievalist) talked about the recent election, here in the United States. The passenger told me, "No President with a one syllable name has ever served more than one term in office." Pierce, Taft, Bush. Hayes, Ford (sort of), Polk. Were it not for Grant, she would have been right. Here are some (three) other facts: THREE FACTS ABOUT UNITED STATES PRESIDENTIAL NAMES 1) Long ago a radio announcer mis-spoke, "And now, the President of the United States, Hoobert Heever!" 2) No candidate has ever had a name that rhymed with "orange." 3) Millard Filmore. Factually, I remain, Karl Steel Near Yankee Stadium, NY - - - - Date: Wed, 29 Nov 2000From: Brian Houston Subject: Boomer Sooner Dear McSweeney's: I live in Norman, Oklahoma and attend the University of Oklahoma. There is nothing particularly special about this University expect for the fact that the football team is the number one ranked football team in America. Like many places in the United States, Oklahomans take their football very seriously. There has been a great deal of fanfare and discussion of our immortality in the arena of college football. As it brings great joy to many people, and being a Sooner myself, I am happy with the football teams performance this year. However, a side effect of all the hoopla has been an explosion of automobiles decorated with O.U. football flags. I don't know if you have seen these flags before, I am sure they exist in other parts of the country depicting other teams. The football flags are mounted on the top of the cars side windows. The flags fly straight when driving and stick up about two feet above the car. Most cars have a single flag. Then there are the diehard fans who display two flags. If you go with the two flag set-up it looks similar to the flags that you see on limousines that carry embassy diplomats to various functions. I don't know if these flags just hit the market this year or if the sudden explosion of their use is a result of O.U.'s recent football success. After all, we sucked the last ten years and now we are number one. I guess this now is a perfect time to pick up some flags at Wal-Mart and put them on one's car. My reason for writing McSweeney's about this situation is the guilt I feel regarding this current state of affairs. You see, I have not torn a single flag off of a single car. I pass the cars with flags in the parking lot and I stop and stare. The posts that hold the flag are plastic. I would be so easy to snap one off. No one would ever notice. In fact, what I should do is assemble a group of friends and hold a competition to see who can retrieve the most flags from the cars that display them. I bet if someone really took the competition seriously they could acquire over a hundred flags. Yet, none of these thoughts have come to fruition. I simply look at the flags and keep on walking. Perhaps it is some subconscious reverence that I am not aware of. Perhaps I am not as anti-establishment as I believe. Perhaps I am scared of being chased down by a campus cop in a golf cart bearing an O.U. flag. I just thought that I should be honest and let you know what is going on. All of this is happening in my own back yard I sit idly by and allow it to happen. I hope this doesn't diminish your thinking of me too much. Boomer Sooner, Brian Houston - - - - Date: Wed, 29 Nov 2000I don't know who you are or how many people are involved with McSweeney's but the AA/Macy's Day Parade article was the funniest, let me repeat that for emphasis, funniest thing I think I have ever read. Pure comedic Genius. From a fan in Toronto, Ontario Alison - - - - Date: Thu, 30 Nov 2000From: luke o'neil Subject: hey travis -- look! Dear McSweeney's, A few things: One 64 fl oz (2 QT or 1.89 L) container of Tropicana Pure Premium - not from concentrate - "Original" 100% Pure Florida Squeezed Orange Juice (Pasteurized; No pulp) costs me $3.29 at the "Store 24" on Comm' Ave. near my apartment. Also, today in my fiction workshop we discussed whether or not "crabs" and "Jim J. Bullock" were funnier than "genital herpes" and "Bob Sagat" in the context of a humorous piece on war between two neighboring islands in the north Caribean. I didn't even know crabs were still around. Also, there is this girl with a very short sort of pixie haircut, and a black dress who dances at the Common Ground in Allston on Wednesdays, and I have a secret crush on her. Also, the word "pants" is funny. - - - - Date: Thu, 30 Nov 2000Subject: When I was five When I was five my father paid men to knock down trees, level land, pour a foundation and build a house. At the time I was more interested in the large mounds of dirt in the vacant lot across the street. Three memories from this time period: 1. Playing tag in the partially-clad structure while wearing my new Spider Man ski mask. My father sitting on a saw horse playing cards with the man who is supposed to be working in the kitchen. Damn that mask was cool. (mine) 2. Helping my mother clean up the shards of glass that were all over the floor of the soon-to-be family room. The shards were the result of a pheasant flying through the picture window that had been installed the day before. The pheasant died. (mine) 3. Losing ten straight hands to that guy who hired me to put his cabinets in. He won a whole weeks pay, so I ended up putting them in for free. (guy who installed our kitchen cabinets for free) We moved into that house in November of 1980. Five months later I was paralyzed from the neck down. God I miss that ski mask. - - - - Date: Thu, 30 Nov 2000From: Dan Kennedy Subject: DAN KENNEDY CAN GO TO HELL Dear McSweeney's, I am here again. Freelancing again. Less than two weeks back in the city after finding heaven in Spain, and I have reported directly to hell. A much more comfortable hell for these two weeks, however. One hundred thousand square feet of modernist-design-meets-pop-media-and-culture...but nonetheless, hell. The view, though...the view is great here. To my left, the Hudson glimmers and the Statue Of Liberty tries from too far away to remind me to stand for something. To the right of me, the city unfolds into Times Square, where tiny men climb scaffolding like spiders as they put together a billboard of a bigger man who loves a particular brand of clothing. I'm watching this guy grow up, piece by piece. I can remember last week when he was all legs. In a week or so, when he has eyes and is looking in at me while I write advertising copy, it will be time for me to take my cue from the Statue of Liberty, stand up, and leave this place. That's the bitter-sweet part of being hired on for only two weeks; just as you start getting used to seeing somebody, it's time to go. New and Improved- Dan Kennedy New York, New York. - - - - Date: Thu, 30 Nov 2000From: "SeekStart" Subject: Re: Timothy McSweeney's Internet Tendency Dear Fellow Webmaster, I found your site when I was looking for "internet" on Yahoo! Your ranking wasn't very favorable and I wondered if you get much traffic from Yahoo! I would like to call your attention to our search engine: SeekStart.com. The ranking on SeekStart is based on the amount of visitors websites send to us. If you send us more traffic you rank higher. You'll get more traffic in return. It's that simple. At the moment we send back 1.4 visitor for every visitor sent to us. So let the people who leave your site bring in new visitors. Signup at: http://www.seekstart.com/webmaster.php3 kind regards, Anthony Peters (webmaster) - - - - Read Previous Letters:
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