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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.
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L E T T E R S .
[Please send printable correspondence to mcsweeneysmail@yahoo.com. Thank you.] - - - - From: Gregory PurcellSubject: Quit, To Quit, Quitting; see Quat, Quisling Date: Wed, 13 Dec 2000 Ah, I have not quit smoking. I just remembered how I used to write letters to you guys going on about how difficult it was to quit. Well, that was about four months ago. In the meantime, I have started again. It all has to do with my having to go out to Itasca in order to proofread the Iowa tests as they are administered in North Carolina. Believe me, you'd smoke, too. Anyway, they canned me with no notice, because all of a sudden they ran out of money, or something. While I was shoveling the walk last night I kept thinking about some futurist protagonist writing a manifesto about "The Randy New-Man." On and on he would go about how The Randy New-Man was going to liquidate the cesspool of academic classicism. It cracked me up. "Randy New-Man," Randy Newman, get it? But after awhile I just started singing that "short people got no reason to live" song. There was a lot of snow to shovel, you see. I probably sang that song to myself about 700 times. I was able to do this so many times because I only know bits and pieces of the lyrics. Here's what I know: "...they got funny little eyes/ and funny little lips....Short people got/ No reason to live..." That's it. That's all I know. About 700 times I sang that bit of song. After I thought I was going to go nuts I decided to sing the part in "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" where they start singing about the figgy pudding. But all I know of that is, "Da da da da figgy pudding, da da da da da," So I improvised with, "you won't get your figgy pudding 'till you have a good year." Then I thought about some sales office somewhere, where the Christmas bonus is figgy pudding, and it's withheld unless you have a "good year"--that is to say, a lot of sales. But who would work for figgy pudding? Some asshole, that's who. Some asshole who should quit his/her job, and pronto. Then I started making up German words that don't exist, like "der gardenhosen, "and die foofienberger." Sometimes I feel sick from thinking. Rightly,
- - - - From: McDermott, TerrySubject: anti-establishment Date: Mon, 11 Dec 2000 Dearest McSweeney's, It's only 9:50 (a.m.) and yet I have already come across the term "anti-establishment" not twice, but THRICE, in my internet article perusing. Is this term really necessary? Is it? I say "not." Frankly, I'm not really sure I know what it means. I think I'll have a cup cake now. Pro-establishment, Terry. - - - - From: Anne BanksSubject: diggin' a hole Date: Mon, 11 Dec 2000 Dear folks, The last time I talked on the phone to my brother, who owns a home in the sprawl just outside of Phoenix, AZ, he told me that he has been digging a hole, by hand with a shovel, in his back yard. As he was describing the hole, my attention wandered, and when he said it was eight feet deep by three feet wide by twenty-two feet long, I had a hard time visualizing it. Then I realized that the word he really meant was "trench." A. Banks - - - - From: Zadie SmithSubject: What's wrong with you people? Date: Tue, 12 Dec 2000 Dear McSweeney's, What? You want everyone to know I can't punctuate? You couldn't have checked the letter for mistakes? "...but in it's place, a short announcement" You couldn't have changed that? Now, you see that's why you, Mister Man, will never run a truly world-class magazine type operation. Ever. No. Not even if you ask nicely. Remember when everything we touched turned to a titanium-silver conglomerate with lead coating? yours,
- - - - From: Delahoyde, SteveSubject: New Television Program Date: Wed, 13 Dec 2000 Dear McSweeney's, I've started writing a sitcom about a wacky family. In it there's a funny young kid named Teddy, a spunky daughter who has a thing for chocolate, and two parents who are from a zany circus background. They get in all sorts of crazy adventures week after week! The show is called "The Spanish-Speaking Chimp." You'd think it also features a chimp, wouldn't you? One that speaks Spanish? Well you're wrong. Thanks, Steve Delahoyde - - - - Date: Wed, 13 Dec 2000 14:30:35 -0800 (PST)From: Chris Cotner Subject: Notes from Flyover Country Dear McSweeney's, For what it's worth I am now called the Chicken Man. In other news from the Sooner State: There is a cemetery about 15 miles from where I live that has a "Dead End" sign on a road leading into the cemetery. I have given thought to sending a picture of it to the large chinned one on network TV. But, on second thought, I would be mortified if he actually used my name on national television. What would Dave think? In a recent dream that has not been revised, I was a talking head on one of the cable news shows. The weird thing was all I could manage in terms of comment was a bad imitation of Matt Foley saying "Whoppee Freakin' Do." On top of that, the host kept agreeing with me saying things like, "I see your point Mr. Cotner, what do you others have to say?" This is not an ambition of mine, to be a talking head on a cable news show, so I shudder to think what my Id might want in terms of employment. Idea for a new sitcom: SCOTUS. Justice Thomas could play the wacky black friend, Justice Souter the creepy uncle, etc. You could possible do a "Three's Company" type deal with Justice Scalia living in the same apartment as Justice O'Connor and Justice Ginsburg. The irony in Justice Scalia having to pretend he was gay could be mined week after week. Chief Justice Rhenquist could be the Mr. Roper character. I have no idea what to do with Justice Breyer, Justice Stevens, and Justice Kennedy. Maybe they could do a show in the style of "What's Happenin?" - - - - Subject: DreamDate: Thu, 14 Dec 2000 17:30:12 -0500 Dear McSweeney's, I had an odd dream last night. I was waiting on line to see a judge. The woman waiting in line in front of me was the woman who played Mrs. Roper on "Three's Company." However, I didn't address her as "Mrs. Roper" but as "Audra Lindley," the actual name of the actress who played Mrs. Roper. I told her that she was much prettier in person than as her character on the show. Mr. Roper, played by Norman Fell, was not present. Kerry Lunz - - - - From: Werner Klemperer fanSubject: imminent funniness Date: Fri, 15 Dec 2000 Dear McSweeney's, I have tried to be funny. Lord knows I've tried. Yet I see no one laughing (just yet). I just know, really, really know that things are going to get funny around here. Pretty soon. Very funny. Signed,
- - - - Date: Mon, 18 Dec 2000 09:44:30 -0800From: Ed Page Subject: Two tasty titles Dear McSweeney's, I used to work in a library. When you work in a library, you're always terribly bored. You read the endless stream of titles, hoping to find one that will prove to be of some palliative interest. Of all the interesting titles I read when I worked in the library, two have remained stuck in my memory like gnats in amber. One is "The Importance of Wearing Clothes," and the other is "Gazelle Boy." Upon discovering these books, I took the liberty of browsing through them. Both proved intriguing. I checked them out and took them home with me for further study. Both books were labeled "nonfiction" and came from the anthropology section of the library. The first ("The Importance of Wearing Clothes") was a scientific study of clothes and why we wear them. It was pretty interesting, and included many illustrations. The second book ("Gazelle Boy") was even more interesting. It was a scientific study of a boy who had been raised by gazelles in the African savanna. This book was also illustrated. To be frank, it looked more like a children's story than an anthropological study, but the book was clearly labeled "nonfiction," and the whole story of the leaping boy was told without irony. Many of the illustrations showed the "gazelle boy" leaping and bounding through the tall yellow grasses alongside his gazelle family. I gave up countless hours of my tender youth to that library. Finding these two titles made it almost worth it. Your pal, Ed Page
- - - - Date: Mon, 18 Dec 2000 10:55:59 -0800 (PST)From: Mike Batistick Subject: LAWRENCE KRAUSER's LEMON DIARY Dear McSweeney's: In his interesting LEMON DIARY, Mr. Krauser mentioned that he was staying in Waukegan, Illinois while drawing covers to his novel. I, too, once visited Waukegan. It was two years ago, cold, and I was dropping off a drive-away car at a strange building. Thank you for your time, Mike Batistick - - - - From: Magic Mike SimpsonDear McSweeney's, My throat has been hurting me for some time. It is a very strange kind of hurt, in that it seems to just ache. Like a dull ache. Not sharp, not "scratchy" -- I did not, ever, cough, nor did I go hoarse. It has hurt for so long that I did the only thing I could sensibly imagine: I consulted the Merck's Manual and tried to self-diagnose. I figured, hey -- I 'm a graduate student, one time I met Harrison Ford, I certainly could figure this out. I found a number of terrible, terrible diseases in the Merck's Manual (cat scratch fever is very, very real), told my girlfriend I was most certainly dying, and then immediately scheduled a doctor's appointment. My appointment was with Caroline who, it turns out, is not a doctor but a "PA". Which means, essentially, nothing to me, though I imagine her as kind of a Johnny Tremain figure (without, of course, the mutilated hand). She examined my throat, and, decided, within moments, that I have an allergy. To mold. I said, "Bob Mould?" And Caroline, who did not laugh at all, said, "No. Mold. It is everywhere." Sleep on that. Mike Simpson,
- - - - Date: Wed, 20 Dec 2000 00:58:24 -0600From: Adam Tetzloff Subject: Teenagers and telephones. Dear McSweeney's, These teenagers now a days shure do like telephones, eh? I mean, Jesus. Adam Tetzloff - - - - Subject: Mars globesDate: Wed, 20 Dec 2000 Dear McSweeney's, Please see for new globes of Mars. Regards,
- - - - Date: Wed, 20 Dec 2000From: oatmealred SHETLAND CATS AND KITTENS AVAILABLE IMMEDIATELY! These are the cats your grandparents knew! I have gone to extreme trouble to acquire and raise these felines. They spend all their time in a refrigerated room, and are fed on imported grass from Scotland (not chicken's blood like their oat-rearing cousins), so their fur is of the highest quality. Please contact:
ONLY CONTACT ME IF YOU ARE SERIOUS! --oatmealred - - - - From: Robert ElsteinSubject: "Sign" category Date: Wed, 27 Dec 2000 Dear McSweeney's, I hope that this letter might possibly start a new thread of "sign" related reader comments; "questions about signs". A co-worker recently pointed out a hand-written sign posted in the window of the Haagen-Dazs ice cream "parlor" a block down from our office. (BTW, what ever became of the classic ice cream parlors of yesteryear? [BTW whatever became of people using the term yesteryear?]) In any case, the sign in the window of this Haagen-Dazs said: All Haagen-Dazs
The question: Why is cakes in quotation marks? Sincerely, Robert Elstein
- - - - From: Mike ToppSubject: Advice Date: Thu, 28 Dec 2000 Dear McSweeney's: Never have sex with someone named "Psycho"; never eat at a place called "Barf's." Sincerely,
- - - - From: Mike SacksDate: Fri, 29 Dec 2000 12:29:21 -0500 Subject: Baal & Cornelious Dear McSweeney's, Remember when I was telling you about those magically-powered dogs in my neighborhood? The dogs who warm me on cold winter nights with the heated-beams that come out of their eyes? They died yesterday. Mike Sacks - - - - From: Gregory PurcellSubject: A Defense Date: Fri, 29 Dec 2000 To the McSweeney's, Let me announce myself as a great fan of your letters page. Let me announce that right off the bat, here. It's a great forum. Demonstrative of the democratic spirit, I would say. We remain whole and lucid in our anonymity. There is nothing else like it in the whole myriad cosmos of publishing. Yet lately there has been a bit of bad press as far as this goes. The general idea is that the good people who get published on the letters page wouldn't be able to get published anywhere else. The Baum kid, for instance, he publicly called us "hangers-on." Then, as if in response, activity on the letters page in general just sort of dropped off. As yet, I have not seen an active defense of the page, and I fear that self-consciousness and ridicule may just hound it into extinction. As a writer who is regularly published elsewhere as a reviewer and a poet, and who, nonetheless, enjoys as daily manna the day-to-day whatzis of the McSweeney's letters page, I felt bound to make a defense--yet fearful for my professional dignity, I decided to develop a pseudonym. The name-by-proxy came to me in what you would call a vision while I was at work: Angelica Sidley. Sided with Angels; with angels to the side. Thus I set up a hotmail account under her name. I would write clever little items under her name and go on publishing without stigma. Then, I decided that that was the cowardly way out. Better to take my stand, as it were. So, that's it. "Demonstrative of the democratic spirit." All of that. Also, hey, you've met "professional" writers. I've met them, too. It's not that great a compliment. It's also not that hard to do, writing, as far as work goes. Beats installing drywall. Yours,
- - - - From: Sean CarmanSubject: This Ashley Gauthier Date: Sun, 31 Dec 2000 McSweeney's, Because I am interested in arcana, after reading Neal Pollack's recitations of gratitude, I did a Google search for Ashley Gauthier, an attorney, purportedly from Washington, D.C., whom Pollack thanks as "his savior." I also seemed to remember reading some amusing letters from a Gauthier, Esq. I found three pages. The first describes an attorney named Ashley Gauthier who has written some legal publications with winning titles, such as "Raising the Jolly Roger: The FCC and Pirate Radio Stations." But this Ashley Gauthier, who edited her law school legal journal, is in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Was she in Washington, D.C. on vacation? The second Ashley Gauthier is featured on Supermodels.com, is pale with bright red lipstick, and asks those who visit her page to cast a vote for her, for some unexplained reason, a contest perhaps. The third Ashley Gauthier page says simply "living individual, details withheld," but contains this mysterious annotation: "This page is dedicated to the men and women who braved great danger to come from France and other countries and worked under extremely difficult conditions in the Louisiana Wilderness to produce a better way of life for their descendants. To all of them we are deeply indebted." I think it's the first one, but I'm not entirely sure. Sean Carman - - - - Read Previous Letters:
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