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L E T T E R S .
[Please send printable correspondence to mcsweeneysmail@yahoo.com. Thank you.] - - - - Date: 13 Mar 2001From: "Mike Topp" Subject: Kiss Dear McSweeney's: I once read that when you kiss someone you should remember that you are sucking on the end of a thirty-foot tube, the last five feet of which are filled with shit. Sincerely, Mike Topp - - - - Date: 16 Mar 2001From: Karl Tobias Steel Subject: Say "Hi" to Rushdie for me, will you? Dear McSweeney's: A long time ago someone said the McSweeney's correspondents only write in because they can't get published anywhere else. Someone else said, no, we write in because we like to, and in fact, we are all - barring you - extraordinarily famous writers, the same sort of writers who clog the New York Review of Books after we finally run out of juice, creativity-wise. I'm pretty sure that's how the conversation went. Please don't stop reading now. There's an exciting new zeitgeist at McSweeney's and, me, I want to be a part of it. I am offering a correction to the reply cited in the first paragraph. Because it was wrong, wrong, wrong. Other than a very few other venues, which someday will include, just you wait, journals of medieval studies, the McSweeney's letters page is the only place where anyone can see my, as it were, work. I'm not a famous writer because I don't have any talent. This impediment compels me - and of lot of the other jerks who write in, regular-like - to publish my (our) life story in choppy installments, here. Over the next decade my life will flash, but slowly, before your eyes. Like, in 1977, I wrote the word "Star Wars" on a piece of typing paper using Elmer's Glue. Then I covered the paper with dirt. After shaking the dirt off, I gave the paper - which now read "Star Wars," but in dirt - to my 79-year-old Norwegian grandfather. I can only imagine his reaction as somewhat befuddled. With apologies to the forgotten "someones," I remain, Karl Steel New York City - - - - Date: 18 Mar 2001From: "Mike Topp" Subject: Virtual World Dear McSweeney's: I'm working on a virtual world product. Basically, you'll be given certain building blocks, such as trees, flowers, people, birds, buildings, etc., and out of these elements you'll construct your own reality. Sincerely, Mike Topp - - - - Date: 19 Mar 2001From: "Aaron Pastula" Subject: Making sense of my new living situation Dear McSweeney's, I have recently relocated to San Francisco from Los Angeles, and am in the process of moving into a four bedroom apartment with three other people. Due to a number of circumstances, however, the person currently occupying what is to eventually be my room has not yet moved out, and therefore I have spent the last few weeks sleeping on the couch or in the beds of my other soon-to-be roommates when they're out of town or staying elsewhere. This constant shuffling has me confused (to say nothing of having nowhere except under the dining room table to store my clothes), but I think I've devised a system that should help me adapt rather quickly. I have decided to number the rooms one through four, beginning in the southwest corner and continuing around the apartment in a clockwise direction. Rooms one and two share a bathroom, A, and rooms three and four share a bathroom, B. Due to its size, the living room has been numbered five *and* six, or 5-6 in shorthand and on blueprints. The dining room, where I'm currently typing (and under whose table my clothes are kept), is room seven, and the kitchen is room eight. Hallways and doorways are not numbered. As you can see, this system provides a stable, consistent frame of reference for me. Tonight, for example, I'm lucky to be sleeping in room four. When I get up tomorrow morning I will urinate in bathroom B and get a cup of coffee out of room eight before going on a hike. When I return, however, I will most likely shower in bathroom A, simply because I have been showering there all along. I was sleeping in two for a while, but have spent most of my nights on the couch in 5-6, which can be a bitch, let me tell you. So you see, it's working out much better now. Thank you for your concern. Best, Aaron. - - - - Date: 19 Mar 2001From: "Delahaye, Gabriel" Subject: I should have known I was Irish Dear McSweeney's, How appropriate that it would be St. Patrick's Day and I would find out I was Irish and be so drunk to soften the blow that the hard truth often deals. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Mr. Delahoyde for bringing to light many of the mysteries concerning my heritage. My shock of bright red hair and the many freckles on my translucent skin were certainly a strange sight at the sedar table, but now the mystery is solved, and I can eat pork products at my leisure. My parents, though, are still in tears. Silly Jews. Yours, Gabriel Marc O'Delahaye - - - - Date: 19 Mar 2001From: "Steven Tomsik" Subject: birds will chirp, and birds will eat some seeds Dear McSweeney's, Perhaps you are familiar with the species of animal known as "shark?" I have often written to you of them. Their horrible hunger, their skins, the teeth of their mouths, etc. I have described my fear in their regard, which is great, which I hate having, which prevents me from enjoying the briny caress of the sea. But this is my vow: This summer, I will conquer my fear of sharks. I will swim strong, and I will swim deep, and I will stand tall and proud on a surfing board. And if something brushes against one of my dangling limbs ever so slightly, I will shriek and shriek and shriek. Sincerely, Steven. - - - - Date: 20 Mar 2001Subject: morning train Dear McSweeney's, Get this... I'm on the N or R, I never think which one I'm on cause they both go to 34th, and I'm getting off and this girl's coming up the stairs the other way, so we kind of meet, sorta. And she's so pretty my heart literally skipped a beat. Really. It's never happened to me before. So, I try to talk to her walking through the turnstile, and all I can think of is a joke with the punchline, "but sir, we don't sell phony dog shit." Wait, it gets worse... After that embarrassing ordeal, it turns out we work at the same place. (I've only been here 2 weeks or so.) So, now I've got to think up more phony dog shit jokes or its over between us. What else? Oh, I tried to kung fu kick this guy who was leering at my friend's 12 year old daughter on St. Patrick's day and I feel and hurt my bum. So it's been a bad week. Martin Schneider - - - - Date: 20 Mar 2001From: "Delahaye, Gabriel" Subject: My first girlfriend, Emily, I loved her, she's dead (to me) now. Dear McSweeney's, My first girlfriend was named Emily. She wore overalls and listened to Take That. One time we were all on a fieldtrip and waiting for the bus outside of Buster's Food Stuffs and I asked Emily "Do you want to go together?", which was the parlance of the time, and she said "Okay" and so we were going together. I told a bunch of other kids that me and Emily went together and they said I was lying and I said 'Go ask Emily' and they did and then they came back and said 'See, we told you you didn't go with Emily'. I pleaded 'But I do go with Emily'. I called Emily that night and said 'The other kids said we didn't go together but we do, don't we?' and Emily said 'Don't tell people that we go together, I don't like everybody asking me.' I asked my mom if Emily and I could go on a date to a movie together. "I don't know, you're kind of young for that kind of thing," she said. "I know mom, but we already go together, you can't stop our love." One day I was walking home from school and this girl shouted "Hey, Gabriel!" and I recognized that it was one of Emily's friends and she shouted, "Emily wanted me to tell you that she's not going with you anymore." I went home and told my mother. She said, "Well, it's like that old Neil Sedaka song says: Not going together anymore is hard to do." Yours, Gabriel. - - - - Date: 20 Mar 2001Subject: The Reality of the Equator Dear McSweeney's, While I was in college, I had to take a world geography class for an required elective. One day we discussed the equator and I was reminded of a girl with whom I graduated from high school. In seventh grade, while coincidentally also in a geography class, the said girl raised her hand and asked if the equator was an actual line drawn across the world with a Sharpie. As an addendum, she asked about the upkeep of such a line. In tribute to my theory that the truly ignorant are the only pure form of entertainment left in my world, I raised my hand in the 500-person lecture and asked the girl's complete question, addendum included. I ain't got no pride, Cole Walter - - - - Date: Tue, 20 Mar 01 Subject: Cyber Software Locates Info Dear McSweeney's,READY TO KNOW? CONFIDENTIAL! The SOFTWARE They Want BANNED In all 50 STATES. Why? Because these secrets were never intended to reach your eyes... Get the facts on anyone! Locate Missing Persons, find Lost Relatives, obtain Addresses and Phone Numbers of old school friends, even Skip Trace Dead Beat Spouses. This is not a Private Investigator, but a sophisticated SOFTWARE program DESIGNED to automatically CRACK YOUR CASE with links to thousands of Public Record databases. Find out SECRETS about your relatives, friends, enemies, and everyone else! Even your spouse! With the New, INTERNET SPY AND YOU! It's absolutely astounding! Here's what you can learn. License plate number! Get anyone's name and address with just a license plate number! (Find that girl you met in traffic!) Driving record! Get anyone's driving record! Social security number! Trace anyone by social security number! Address! Get anyone's address with just a name! Unlisted phone numbers! Get anyone's phone number with just a name even unlisted numbers! Locate! Long lost friends, relatives, a past lover who broke your heart! E-mail! Send anonymous e-mail completely untraceable! Dirty secrets! Discover dirty secrets your in-laws don't want you to know! Investigate anyone! Learn how to get information on an ex-spouse that will help you win in court! (Dig up old skeletons)! Find out about your daughter's boyfriend! Learn all about your mysterious neighbors! Find out what they have to hide! Be astonished by what you'll learn about people you work with! Education verification! Did he really graduate college? Find out! Internet Spy and You! Get the software they're trying to ban! Before it's too late! LIMITED TIME OFFER ORDER TODAY! DISCLAIMER:The seller of this powerful software resource will not be held responsible for how the purchaser chooses to use it's resources. - - - - Date: Tue, 20 Mar 2001From: Jack Binx Subject: ANSWERS: Applied Econometrics, Labor Economics Dear McSweeney's: Here are my answers to the questions. I think I've done fairly well. The questions were real hard, but, just like you said, a little hard work, stick-to-it-iveness, and common sense can go a long way. 1. c. 5 bikes. 2. d. All of the above are correct. 3. b. Bread, neither good. 4. c. A result of more efficient resource allocation. 5. d. A decrease in supply and an increase in demand. 6. b. All nonprice determinants of demand are assumed to be constant. 7. a. A lower price. 8. b. The demand for gasoline is price inelastic. 9. c. An inferior good. 10. a. Time. 11. d. Prices make an equitable distribution of goods and services among consumers possible. 12. d. 3.00 13. a. To raise revenue from rich people. 14. b. The price floor is lower than the equilibrium market price. 15. b. Increases. 16. c. Total surplus is maximized. 17. b. Public policy can potentially remedy the problem and increase economic efficiency. 18. b. A + B + C. 19. c. The people who pay the taxes are often not the same people who benefit from the government spending of tax funds. 20. c. Only (ii) is used. 21. b. An amount equal to the value of the technology spillover. 22. a. A negative production externality. 23. c. The town could auction off a limited number of sheep-grazing permits. 24. c. It continues to be overused because individuals have no incentive to reduce their use of the good. 25. a. Marginal cost. 26. c. C. 27. d. Any of the above. 28. a. 'Output'/'labor' 29. c. Continue to produce as long as revenue is sufficient to pay variable costs. 30. b. Can safely ignore fixed costs when deciding how much to produce. 31. a. (i) and (ii) only. 32. c. (iii) only. 33. d. Both b and c. 34. a. Meatball prices will exceed marginal cost. 35. b. The flow of goods and services and the flow of dollars. Signed, J. Binx Gentilly, Louisiana, where life is very peaceful. - - - - Date: Tue, 20 Mar 2001From: "matt dorison" Subject: Babies Dear McSweeney's I swear this happened. I overheard a woman say: "I have giant babies, but you know, you can just kind of tuck them under your arm and go home." Okay. Speaking of babies - here is some email correspondence from a while ago between me and someone named Marla who had a classified ad that said: Congo African Grey babies for sale. $750.00; Will ship at buyer's expense. Me: Are they human babies? Marla: No! Congo African Grey babies for sale. $750.00; Will ship at buyer's expense. Know anyone who may be interesed? Where did you see "babies for sale"? I need to know so I can go edit. Greys are talking parrots and they're the best in the kingdom. - - - - Date: Wed, 21 Mar 2001 From: "Baila Tango" Subject: LAST Milonga & April classesAs you may know in addition to my full time job, I teach tango, and I am running for city council, and I am organizing a tango tour to Istanbul in August, AND I have been hosting a tango salon on Monday nights. Well, time has come for me to make choices. This Monday March 26th will be the LAST milonga for a while, come and have fun. I want to thank all who have been very supportive of my efforts. Ingrid, Zehra, Natalie, Dennis, Roberta, Rose, Bill, Kent, Tunc, Meltem, Basak thanks again April classes are starting next week: Tuesdays March 27, April 3, 10, 24 (please note the skipping week) 7:30 Intermediate II 8:30 Advanced Thursdays March 29, April 5, 12, 26 (please note the skipping week) 8:00 PM Beginners 9:00 PM Intermediate I 1 course = $60/4 weeks - - - - Date: Thu, 22 Mar 2001From: "Dan Kennedy" Subject: LIKE A HUMAN HEART, ONLY SMALLER AND ODDLY SHAPED Dear McSweeney's, My girlfriend is crazy about me, so how about not telling her any of the tiny, sad, pathetic truths about my life that have appeared on your letters page in the last year. Deal? Let's make this one last, Dan Kennedy New York, New York - - - - Date: Fri, 23 Mar 2001Subject: A Great Offer Hi my name is Stephanie and I run the webmaster program here at Illustrated casino. I have just spent the last ten minutes looking at your site and I must say it looks great. We have a great webmaster program at Illustrated Casino we have one of the highest offering commission rates. We offer up to 45%. All you need is a few spare minutes a day, we have great customer service, I am here 24 hours 7 days a week to help you with any problems. If you want to know more please follow this link to our webmaster page where you will also find the registration page. Looking forward to hearing from you Best Wishes, Stephanie - - - - Date: Sat, 24 Mar 2001 From: "Mike Topp" Subject: DinosaursDear McSweeney's: If dinosaurs were around today, they would probably be amazed at how many dinosaur movies there are, and angry that they hadn't thought of making any. Sincerely, Mike Topp - - - - Date: Sat, 24 Mar 2001Subject: Hello! U guys are good, but Teen People is more directly affecting with all the pictures and whatnot. Shout out to my girls in Jackson Heights. - - - - Date: Tue, 27 Mar 2001From: "Ingrida Martinkus" Subject: business cards Dear McSweeney's, One evening, while sitting quietly in the back seat of a taxi, I noticed the driver holding a piece of paper. It looked like a business card. It was a business card. The card dangled beween his thumb and index finger, as he held it over his shoulder, elbow braced against the passenger head rest... I watched the card for several minutes... swaying to and fro with each pothole hit, traffic light stop, corner turn.... Then he stretched his arm through the plexi window opening and said, "here," flicking the card towards me, gesturing for me to take it. I took it. It was creamy in color, a bit textured, grainy to the touch. Blank. I turned it around. Written in plain, arial 12 pt. font was BILL CAB DRIVER. His arm still stretched through the window opening.hand empty, fingers wiggling, he asked, "could I have the card back?" I gave it back and said,"thank you." He half-turned and smiled a toothy smile. Ingrida Martinkus Patron of taxi cab - - - - Date: 29 Mar 2001From: "Dan Kennedy" Subject: ORDINARY LETTER Dear McSweeney's, I know you don't usually/ publish poetry/ but someday I will sneak/ one by you/ cunning and sly/ I will type/ a so called letter to you/ ha ha ha/ I feel the sky/ dark, empty desert with/ midgets. d.s. kennedy - - - - Date: 30 Mar 2001Subject: certified 80% male Dear McSweeney's, The employees in my neighborhood Dunkin' Donuts consistently refer to me as "Sir." I'm a fairly regular customer and have visited their store wearing all manner of feminine apparel over the past three years; consequently, this bothers me on several levels. How is it possible that they've memorized my drink order but not my gender? Thanks so much, whitney pastorek - - - - Date: Fri, 30 Mar 2001From: "matt dorison" Subject: make them come to you Make the Ladies Come to You by: A guy who works where I work "I'll go out to a club, where there's some dancing, and I'll get a table right up close to the dance floor, not ON the dance floor, but right there next to it, and you know, I'll sit there for a while, and move my head like this so they know I like the music, and I'll drink a couple of drinks, and ladies'll come up to me and ask me to dance. You know, not always right away, sometimes it takes a while, but I just do this with my head... they can see I like it... the music... and then I can tell them no if I want when they come up... not that I ever do... I like to turn it around like that." Considering it, Matt Dorison - - - - Read Previous Letters:
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