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[Please send printable correspondence to mcsweeneysmail@yahoo.com. Thank you.] - - - - Date: 4 Apr 2001 From: "RJ White" Subject: Ha-ha Dear McSweeney's I had to get a new phone number. It started Tuesday morning. When I came home at midnight, there was just one message. From my mom. "Just thought we'd try out the new number. I know we can't be the first ones, because it's so late. Bye." Now, I know there probably wasn't a hint of sarcasm there, but I can't be completely sure. Listening to it again, RJ White - - - - Date: Wed, 4 Apr 2001From: Chris Cotner Subject: Ireland Dear McSweeney's, Recently I was in Ireland on my honeymoon. A couple of blocks from my hotel in Dublin was a music venue called The Olympia. On the night in question Stereophonic was playing a show. As you can imagine, the tickets were sold out. My (new) wife and I really like Stereophonic so we decided to wait around the ticket office, located right next to the theater, and see if we could buy tickets from someone, or buy any tickets that were not picked up at Will Call, etc. There were no tickets available from anyone. So, I told my wife to roll with whatever happened and when the theater manager came back in I told him that I was on my honeymoon, and that I worked for Maverick Records, a division of Interscope records owned by Madonna. Whether he believed me or not he took us in a side entrance and told us to have a nice time. Even gave me his business card and told me to send him a CD. It was an amazing experience but I doubt my little story would work here in The States. Respectfully Yours, Christopher William Cotner - - - - Date: 5 Apr 2001From: Delahaye, Gabriel Subject: Robot vs. Dinosaur Dear McSweeney's I'm organizing a fight between a dinosaur and a robot. Tickets are going to be 25 dollars, which I think is fair, and the fight will be held in the alleyway behind my apartment. Seating will be limited so I'm asking everyone to try and let me know as soon as possible whether they're coming or not. Bets can be made through my friend Lucas, and everybody reading this should have his phone number. It will probably be a medium sized dinosaur, like a stegosaur and a comparably sized robot, but if things go well I'm hoping to book future fights with much larger dinosaurs and equally enhanced Robots (with lasers). Anyone wearing a 'Too Legit To Quit' t-shirt will get five dollars off admission price. Anyone wearing a 'No Fear' t-shirt will be asked to leave. BYOB! See you there! Ringmaster, Gabriel Delahaye. - - - - Date: 5 Apr 2001From: "Duffy, Jennifer" Dear McSweeney's, 10:30 a.m. I am having a problem with heavily perfumed men (actually, just one). I'm sitting in my Cramped Workstation trying not projectile vomit and/or have a seizure due to the olfactory assault being launched by my new cube-mate. And, just now, as I was thinking "Oh my god, I might have to go outside and take a deep, cleansing breath of 34th Street air, so I don't faint", he layered on MORE, yet a CONFLICTING scent in the form of a lotion or other unguent. I was too disheartened to turn and see where it came from. I must stop writing now, because of my blinding headache. 12:30 p.m. This is the mantra that I've been screaming inside my head for the last hour: "Please, please, please go to lunch so that I can breathe for one brief, shining hour. Please, for the love of God. PLEASE. GO. TO. LUNCH. I. NEED. TO. BREATHE. 1:00 p.m. He's never, ever going to lunch. And I'm going to die here, in my cramped cube, of asphyxiation. What a way to go. Sincerely, Jennifer Duffy Brooklyn, NY - - - - Date: 05 Apr 2001From: "Mike Topp" Subject: Carp Dear McSweeney's: My brother raised some carp in a fish pond in our back yard. One time, as a joke, my friend and I were really high and we leaned out my bedroom window and shot all the carp with a rifle. Then we threw the fish in the street and my brother ran over them in his car when he drove home. For some reason, he failed to see the humor in the situation. Hey Randy, loosen up! Sorry, Mike Topp - - - - Date: 6 Apr 2001From: Gillian Beebe Subject: beads Dear McSweeney's, So a beaded necklace that my sister had made for me broke the other night and I collected all the little glass beads, along with the clasp, in a cup in the bathroom. Right after I got off the phone last night I went to get a drink of water. I slugged a huge gulp and then sloshed the rest into the sink. And then I noticed some blue things in the sink and looked closer and realized I had just downed most of the beads and the clasp. I felt pretty dumb and called my sister, a veterinary medicine student, to ask her if she thought I would die. She just laughed and laughed and thanked me for cheering her up. She had survived a terrifying car wreck that very day. I was afraid she might have thought I was trying to steal her thunder by coming up with a crisis of my own. But she did not think that at all. Raining, Gillian - - - - Date: 06 Apr 2001Subject: procurement notice Company Type: Private Industry: Agricultural Machinery & Eq. Brief Description: A complete poultry-breeding farm. For additional information or assistance, contact xxx of the Commercial Service in xxx at xxx. Detailed Description: A self-sustained poultry farm with an incubator, independent power generator, heating system, forage production shop, refrigerating facility, slaughter and carcass cutting equipment. Quantity Needed: One complete poultry farm Payment Terms: Leasing is an option Shipping Terms: To be discussed Purchase Needed By: by June 2001 - - - - Date: 9 Apr 2001From: Chuck Easterling Subject: On lock Dear McSweeney's, I heard that for security reasons you should change your ATM PIN number every so often. Mine is now 4212. Sincerely, Chuck Easterling - - - - Date: 10 Apr 2001From: "Sean Carman" Subject: Grounding fault in the instrument cluster? Please advise. Dear McSweeney's, Here's another question for you: It's not just that the high beams kick in automatically at inopportune times, but also that the fuel needle bounces in time to the turn signal, the lights dim when I fiddle with the dashboard knob, and the horn sometimes sounds inadvertently. I think the problem is with the grounding strap from the negative post on the battery, the one that connects to the engine block, but it could also be the grounding wires at the instrument cluster, or a combination of a faulty high-beam/turn signal switch and left-side dashboard panel knob. I'm thinking double check the grounds, starting with the engine block and working my way back to the instrument cluster, and go from there, maybe replacing the switch and knob if I can't locate a grounding fault. Please advise. Respectfully, Sean Carman - - - - Date: 11 Apr 2001From: Andrei Sinioukov Subject: pharmacy is a sniper This, below, is a description of ten photographs taken by Uzuraman in the winter of the year 2000. The descriptions are written by Uzuraman as well. PHARMACY IS A SNIPER by UZURAMAN (from Japan) 1. Building#1(Osaka, JAPAN). It is the photograph which I obtain LOMO LC-A as for this, and it filmed for the first time. Because I filmed this photograph in the evening, I became a strong photograph of shadow. As for the photograph which I took with LOMO, there is many that it is lacked a quantity of light with a part of a corner. However, the phenomenon contributes to starting an empty color. 2. Building#2(Osaka, JAPAN). There is a tower of a barrel of transparence on a building. Because there was a high building than this tower by, there was not the duty as a tower. I consider it to be very wonderful by the design that a tower of transparence is old. A thing of transparence is very new and feels good old. 3. Pharmacy is a sniper. I have begun to walk to go down Yotsubashi avenue of Osaka to the south. There was a pharmacy so that the field road went. A poster of a sale of a contraceptive was put in front of a pharmacy. The poster was not affected and was not shy, and it begins to have been put magnificently. There is many that an office worker passes in this street than a housewife and a child. Therefore consideration to a child and a woman is needless. I am good if I express the contents which a storekeeper wants to advertise straight. It is written at this paper that "I repeat it and emphasize it, but sell 150 shot 15,000 yen by 9,800 yen now." "shot" of this sales message is stimulating statement. I have been a little at a loss. 4. Red Vespa. Somebody parked red Vespa on an edge of a road. There is a motor scooter of the design which is classical music in Japan. However, a Japanese recent motor scooter, all are bodies of a plastic. Vespa is a metal body. It is very splendid. 5. Gate of dusk. This building is decoration of a brick style. And it installed a gate of a witty design. The time was dusk. I thought that this combination was wonderful. Therefore I took a photograph. I watched a print later and noticed a poster for the first time. It is a poster "recruiting a tenant" which an owner of a building put. I did not notice at the place at all. I would not look at the thing which I did not want to look at during unconsciousness. However, I have the day when the thing which I do not want to look at is easy to pick out. 6. White Vespa. Somebody parked white Vespa on an edge of a road this time. Vespa of white includes a memory. There was a television play of old days "detective story." Yusaku Matsuda of movie "Black Rain" played the leading part in the drama.The detective whom Yusaku played got on white Vespa. I got a license of a motorcycle to this drama with yearning. However, I have a license, but do not have yet Vespa. There became a few opportunities to ride a motorcycle recently. Warp and is sandwiched in and force you, and it is a thing. 7. Time machine of a country of a mirror. This seems to be a spaceship or a time machine coming out in a SF movie. There is an artificial pond in a building street. And a building of a globe of this mirror floats in the middle. This is a Shinto shrine. A Shinto shrine is the special house where God of religion of Japanese "Shinto" lives. Will decoration of mirror tension of this building do a duty to bounce a spell of the devil? However, I seem to have bounced a voice and a wish of the people who came to pray to God. 8. Small crossing. And I looked at a crossing. There was a general small crossing there in Japan. One man hanged a ladder and repaired a building. In addition, another man ran by bicycle. In addition, another man delivered a load on a motorcycle of a tricycle. 9. One person being fatty car. A small car of one person being fatty parked. Actually, in the country which is small like Japan, I am enough by most in this way small cars. If a small car spreads as for me, and a price falls more, I think that I am good. I wanted to observe this small car better. But I did not have them on. In fact, a person got inside. 10. I looked up at a building. In the scenery, a straight line stood in line. Because I was busy recently, I forgot that I looked up at a building. I thought that this scenery was very beautiful. It is very difficult to draw the building where I put this a lot of line together on paper to me - - - - Date: 12 Apr 2001From: "Alana" Subject: My left arm's rough day. Dear McSweeney's, My left arm hurts because today I had some blood drawn. My big vein is bruised and occasionally throbs at the site of my venipuncture. My roommate told me that once, during high school, her friend gave blood at a blood drive, only they drew the blood incorrectly and gave her a vein bruise and she threw up all day. She was okay after that, though. I had to lie down while the blood was being drawn off because I have a tendency to faint during bloodletting and fall off the doctor table. When I told the nurse that I have a tendency to faint, she had me sit on a bed and called in a backup nurse in the following manner: "Anne, could you come in here and help me with someone?" I also have a tendency to laugh hysterically while having blood taken. When I told this to the backup, she said, "Oh, okay," and smiled at me from across the room. "It's better than crying, right?" I said. "Guess so," she said, not understanding that she was the one who was supposed to say what I had said, in order to set me at ease. I was already giggling when the nurse tied the rubber tubing on my upper arm. She stroked my vein, which made me panic because it usually pops right out. "Do you want to try my other arm, heh heh?" I asked. She didn't. I hoped I hadn't offended her and as she put the needle in, I said, "I didn't mean to question your phlebotomy skills." And then, embarrassed at using the word "phlebotomy" in everyday life, I added, "Or whatever." My embarrassment made no sense -- after all, she is the one who makes a living at phlebotomy, not I. After she was done, they both left and I continued to lie on the bed, laughing. People walked by and observed this. After my appointment, I burned the tip of my left middle finger today on our toaster while toasting a bagel. Right before it happened, I said, "This toaster is so weird." Then the burn occurred. I cried out, which caused a second roommate to ask if I was all right. "The toaster got me back for badmouthing it," I said. "Heh heh?" my roommate asked. "Heh heh," I agreed. - - - - Date: 12 Apr 2001From: Karl Tobias Steel Subject: Wow. Do you want to know I did last summer? Dear McSweeney's: I am sitting in on an English Composition course here, where I am a student. The instructor asked the students to re-write portions of a sample paragraph to "make it funny." I am only an observor and therefore not required or even expected to participate in the course's assignments, but I couldn't resist the challange. I love making things funny. The sentences: "I am often accompanied by beings of the natural world as well as the supernatural world. Some of these beings include ghosts, goblins, superman, a dog or my neighbors." My version concludes, "Some of these beings include ghosts, goblins, wily druids or, more often than you would expect, the fourteenth president of the United States, Abraham [expletive] Lincoln." Harh! This leads me to a question: why is Abe Lincoln so damned funny? Lovingly, lovingly, Karl Steel The Great City of New York - - - - Date: 12 Apr 2001From: "Dan Kennedy" Subject: THE FIRST STEP IS ADMITTING WHAT I'VE DONE Dear McSweeney's, I apologize for having snuck poetry by you in the last edition of the letters page here at McSweeney's. It was not right of me, as I knew beforehand what your policy on publishing poetry is. It's just that these days when I feel the moon run a dagger through my heart there is nothing I can say and this white horse is haunting I feel water now. Again, I am sorry-- d.s. Kennedy (b 1967) - - - - Date: Sat, 14 Apr 2001Subject: Teenagers Dear McSweeney's, Today in the back of the bus there were some teenagers holding dear little kittens, and one who was eating macaroni 'n' cheese with his fingers out of the glass of a french press. The kittens were mewling and the teenagers were clutching them close to their chests. An old woman said in a fake french accent, When zey are small zey are zo irresistible, adorable, zo desirable, zes, zen zey grow up and zere are raccoons and zen zey eat zem. A teenager said, I can't wait for football season to start. Another one who wasn't holding a kitten said, If I had one I'd torture it, I'd give it to my dog and [laughs]. Just before my stop, someone handed her the orange stripey boy kitten and she petted him softly and cooed into his tiny translucent ear. Thanks, S. Hannibal San Francisco - - - - Date: 14 Apr 2001From: "Logan Blazian" Dear McSweeney's I heard this yesterday: "I don't think a plunger can handle that monster." - - - - Date: 16 Apr 2001From: "Daniel Naumovich" Subject: Car Care Dear McSweeney's, If you need to borrow my car? It's cool but I think I left the stereo turned up pretty loud, so when you get in - be prepared to rock. Otherwise just be careful with it okay. - - - - Date: 16 Apr 2001From: "Delahoyde, Steve" Subject: Family Heritage Revisited Dear McSweeneys, As I have had large amounts of time on my hands, it seems that I am now able to piece together the genealogical lineage between myself and Mr. Delahaye (who's name has a far more pleasant ring to it than does mine). The way I have understood it, in Ohio during the early 1800's, the family name was split due to opposing viewpoints of the family: those who had decided to become Jewish and those who had decided to become Irish Catholics (the religious affiliation before this point is believed to be an rough-offset of Hinduism). This explains why Mr. Delahaye's name sounds Irish, and mine, if said correctly, has the word "Oy", a well known Jewish phrase, imbedded in it. This is either factual information or I just made it all up to continue this fiasco. Thank you, Steve Delahoyde - - - - Date: 19 Apr 2001From: "Craig Moorhead" Subject: Kitchen weaponry Dear McSweeney's Probably the best item of silverware that could be used as a deadly weapon is the fork. Some would say the knife, but I think the fork is better. I mean, you get 4 punctures with every stab! It's like fighting with four knives! I mean, come on! forks, Craig Moorhead - - - - Read Previous Letters:
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