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FROM THE FILES
OF TRAIG & MCGRATH,
SHUT-IN DETECTIVES:
CASE 43.
BY JENNY TRAIG AND PETER MCGRATH
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Some time ago, Peter McGrath and Jenny Traig, cousins, left their jobs to become self-declared shut-ins. They quickly discovered that even the shut-in's life is full of many small mysteries. More recently, they discovered that the annals of history are full of much larger ones, and decided to turn their agoraphobic crime-solving skills to the great
historical mysteries. Herewith, a case from their Historical Files.
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#43: The Case of the Lady-Killer
Status: Suspended
In 1888, London was plagued by a series of unspeakably grisly murders by a perpetrator known to history as Jack the Ripper. Later that year, the murders stopped, and Jack's true identity was never discovered. Scholars have advanced a number of competing theories, but the mystery remains unsolved.
Jenny thought it had to be artist Walter Sickert. "Because everybody knows that the artistic temperament tends to violent behavior."
Peter thought it had to be Sir William Whitney Gull, a doctor. "Because only a doctor would know where, um, a lady keeps her lady parts."
The cousins decided the only way to solve the case was to re-examine the evidence, so they rented a film on the topic, titled From Hell. Because the video store was having a two-fer special, they picked up another movie about prostitutes called Pretty Woman. The films didn't help the investigation a bit, leading the cousins to conclude that From Hell sucks it raw and that Pretty Woman would have been better if it featured a serial killer, too. They spent the rest of the afternoon debating who, indeed, was prettier—Julia Roberts or Johnny Depp—and agreed it was a mystery that might never be solved.
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