M c S W E E N E Y ' S
B R A I N E X P L O D E R
EDITED BY CARLTON DOBY
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L O N G D I S T A N C E S O N G
P A R O D Y D E D I C A T I O N :
"P O L Y E S T E R B R I D E . "
October 15
Dear Carlton,
For my sixth birthday, my parents took me and my best friend Kara to a taping of "Bozo's Circus" in Chicago. I was so excited. My parents had ordered the tickets right after I was born and being on TV was going to be a huge thrill, even if the camera just passed over us in the crowd, or caught a glimpse of us in the parade at the end of the show. So when I was picked out of all the kids to play Bozo Buckets, I was simply out of my mind! Actually, I was terrified. When it came time to play the game I was so scared, all I could do was stare at the camera and limply toss the balls in the vicinity of the buckets. I was never even close.
Afterwards, I was crying and crying and I couldn't stop. On the way home, Kara gave me her favorite Barbie and told me I could keep it until I felt better. She never asked for it back and my daughter plays with it now. Kara moved away when we were in junior high and we've lost touch, but I've never forgotten that day, or her kindness.
Carlton, could you write a song parody about Bozo the Clown, sung to the tune of Liz Phair's "Polyester Bride," and dedicate it to my best friend Kara, wherever she is?
Yours truly,
Beth M.
Aurora, Illinois
Sure, Beth. Going out to Kara, here is your Long Distance Song Parody Dedication:
BUCKET NUMBER FIVE
I was chosen, some 20 years ago,
To play the bucket game at Cirque du Bozo.
And I asked Cooky, the clown aide de camp
If he liked Wizzo best or Sandy the Tramp.
And Cooky said,
"Give pretty young Liz a hand, kids.
As she goes for today's grand prize,
Fifty silver dollars and a brand new shiny bike
If she can toss balls in the buckets six straight times.
And then he said,
"You won't even make Bucket Number Five.
When you leave you'll be leaving that Schwinn behind.
You'll have to settle for something lame
Like a Sorry game
Or a box of Twinkies.
'Cause you'll never climb on that bike and ride away from here."
So I cleared Bucket One and nailed Bucket Two
Then I felt myself start to come unglued.
And I heard Cooky laugh and saw Bozo smirk
That's when I knew that men were all clowns and jerks.
And Cooky said,
"The first bucket is really easy.
The second bucket is easy, too
But I know you'll choke on bucket Number Three
'Cause Three's the bitch that eats up pretty girls like you."
And then he said,
"You'll be out before Bucket Number Five.
You can kiss that sweet banana seat good-bye
You'll have to settle for something lame
Like a Sorry game
Or a box of Twinkies.
Princess aren't you scared we'll hit you in that pretty face with pie?
"Because Bozo throws pies."
He keeps telling me, "Bozo throws pies."
But I don't believe him.
"Here comes a pie."
Each bucket's getting harder
Each bucket's getting farther away.
But he keeps telling me, "Baby"
He says, "Baby, you'll be gone before bucket Number Five..."
If you'd like to make a Long Distance Song Parody Dedication, send it to carltondoby@hotmail.com.
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Each of the following quotations from Shakespeare's plays contains a word that is a key to today's puzzle. Figure out what the words have in common, and you'll have the solution. Note that you won't necessarily have to get every word to figure out the common thread. In fact, this might be one of the rare instances in which more clues actually could make the puzzle more difficult.
Sal, one of our veteran puzzle testers, has suggested we provide an extra hint this week. We thought it would be appropriate to give it in verse:
Before you give up as a matter of course,
Consult number six and consider the source.
1. "Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown."
King Henry IV Part II Act 2 Scene 1
2. "Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of death but once."
Julius Caesar Act 2 Scene 2
3. "God has given you one face, and you make
yourselves another."
Hamlet Act 3 Scene 1
4. "Go to your bosom; Knock there, and ask your
heart what it doth know."
Measure for Measure Act 2, Scene 2
5. "I have cried her almost to the number of her hairs;
I have drawn her picture with my voice."
Pericles Prince of Tyre Act 4 Scene 2
6. "Put your grace in your pocket, sir, for this once,
and let your flesh and blood obey it."
Twelfth Night Act 5 Scene 1
7. "Loose now and then
A scatter'd smile, and that I'll live upon."
As You Like It Act 3 Scene 5
8. "Why, man, if the river
were dry, I am able to fill it with my tears; if the
wind were down, I could drive the boat with my sighs."
The Two Gentlemen of Verona Act 2, Scene 3
Send your answer to carltondoby@hotmail.com before Noon Friday, October 17. The winner, chosen at random from correct entries, will receive a McSweeney's book.
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