E X P E R T   H E L P F O R   Y O U R   F A N T A S Y B A S E B A L L   F R A N C H I S E . BY RICK PAULAS - - - - BASEBALL KNOWLEDGE WILL NOT HELP YOU PICK UP GIRLS - - - - Can you believe this house? Two fully stocked bars and completely free alcohol! If David Wells lived here, he'd have 10 more perfect games! What's that? David Wells? He's a pitcher. Your boyfriend hates baseball? He must hate America, too. - - - - I would trade Albert Pujols and Vladimir Guerrero for a date with you. Why are you laughing? That's a combined 70 home runs a year! - - - - This promotion does mean a lot more responsibility for you. If people get out of line, you're going to have to discipline them now. And all of the decisions have to be OK'd by you. It's going to be stressful. Do you want a back massage? There. That's better, isn't it? Don't worry, it'll be OK. Trust me, I know from experience. How? I've been commissioner of my fantasy baseball league for the past three years. You know, it's awfully tough for me to give a good massage when you squirm away like that. - - - - No, no. You're not getting old. Hell, you're only 27. Think of it this way: Since turning 27, Roger Clemens has won 280 games! You have your whole life ahead of you. Please stop crying. - - - - You're rarer than a five-tool catcher. What? That's not gay slang for anything. I'm talking about my fantasy baseball rotisserie league. No. That's not a gay slang term, either. - - - - That sure was quite the make-out session. I've seen windows fog up in movies, but never in real life. Goodness! We really went at it, didn't we? I forget the last time I felt so revved up. Want to head inside? You do? Splendid! Oh, wait. Now I remember the last time I felt so turned on: When I was able to snag Mark Prior with a sixth-round draft pick. Yes, I'll take you home. - - - - If my heart were made of bases, you'd be Scott Podsednik. - - - - First, I must warn you about some weird red bumps you may encounter while down there. It's not an infection or an STD or anything like that; it's just a few ingrown hairs from a poorly done shaving job. I didn't really think anyone else would be seeing it. As hard as it is to believe, I'm not a big lady's man. Honestly. Let's just say my scoreless streak was hitting Dontrelle Willis proportions before I met you tonight. Wait. Why are you putting your pants back on? Are you restarting the striptease? - - - - Got a question for our fantasy baseball expert? E-mail ZonDimmer@hotmail.com. - - - - MORE FANTASY BASEBALL

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL