E X P E R T H E L P
F O R Y O U R F A N T A S Y
B A S E B A L L F R A N C H I S E
BY RICK PAULAS
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Ideal Roster of an American League Baseball Team Composed Only of Famous Davids Without Obvious Athletic Ability
Batting Order
1. David Caruso, CF
Fantastic speed/intimidation combo leads to OBP and SB numbers needed at the top of the order. Gorgeous, piercing eyes allow this NYPD grad to track fly balls easily. Especially with cool sunglasses.
2. David Carradine, 3B
Ninjitsu stylings can help start a comeback, keep a rally alive, or kick the pitcher's ass after a bean ball. Drop-kick motion also helps long throw to first base.
3. David Hasselhoff, LF
Power. Speed. Vocal flexibility. Hello, RBI totals! Defensively, the Great German Love Affair has lost a step, making the move out of center field necessary. Bartmans of the world, take note: this left fielder won't let any fans get in his way.
4. David Crosby, DH
When not in jail for drug busts, this bruiser will knock any pitch out of the park ... and then take his time strolling around the bases. His best days are behind him, but Crosby is still a force to be reckoned with.
5. David (Michelangelo's), RF
Reports of his weak angles have management scared, but when he's playing well there's no better five-hole hitter. Large strike zone is countered by enormous hands. Defensively, the David lacks range but robs three homers a game without jumping.
6. David Cross, C
What Cross lacks in power, he makes up for in a good average and noticeable speed. Couple this with his remarkable knack for keeping hitters on edge with raunchy and shocking comedy bits and it's easy to see why he's one of the best all-around backstops in the league.
7. David Mamet, 2B
America's leading playwright uses cuss words a lot.
8. David Sedaris, SS
Sedaris picks apart and analyzes each pitch sequence, usually with comic results. Pairs with Mamet for funniest and most profound double-play combo since Hall & Oates.
9. David Letterman, 1B
Offensive woes may continue to haunt his Hall of Fame-caliber career, but he makes everyone feel at home on first base. And isn't that what first base is all about? Ask Scott Hatteberg, and he'll answer with an emphatic "Yes."
Starting Rotation
David Lynch
Did you understand that anomalous black-and-white pitch he just threw you? Yeah. I didn't think so.
David Lee Roth
Diamond Dave gets the second spot in the rotation due to his wicked curveball, deceptive high-leg kicks from the stretch, and his flamboyant uniform ensembles.
David Cronenberg
Intimidation factor still high after causing a batter's brain to blow up in the early '80s.
David (King of Israel)
The son of Jesse and descendant of Ruth might not be the hardest thrower, but he knows where to put the rock, with or without a slingshot.
David Fincher
Career started off with much promise, but in this world of What Have You Shown Us Lately, Fincher has been given a back-of-the-rotation spot. When his changeup is on, it's the most effective pitch in all of baseball.
Middle Reliever
David Copperfield (magician)
One-time starter now stuck in the bullpen. Deceptive pitches are successful in small doses. Haunting, profound stares are not. They are inadvertently comical, however.
Closer
David Blaine
Young illusionist can fly. Seriously. I've seen it on TV.
Alternates
David Schwimmer
Like Carl Everett, surprisingly well liked.
David Alan Grier
His inclusion on this roster is a surprise for him as well.
David Copperfield (fictional)
"Dickens's Boy" is yearly prospect who never quite steps into regular role. Starting to look more and more like Craig Biggio (i.e., a seventy-year-old teenager). Is also really, really poor.
Batboys/Mascot
David Spade & David Arquette
Wacky duo find perfect combination of stupidity and sarcasm to bring delight to fans of all ages. Spade refuses to cut his hair.
Coach
Larry David
His success stems from his inability to realize his success, never relaxing or settling. High-strung nature leads to the occasional hilarious chest bump argument with umpire.
Bench Coach
Don Zimmer
Who else?
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