A P L A Y B Y
L A W R E N C E K R A U S E R :
H O R R I B L E C H I L D .
- - - -
An early version of this play was staged by the East Village Theatre Company in New York in 1995; the play was further developed at the Printer's Devil Theatre in Seattle, who debuted the current version in a 1998 production, revived in 2001 at Tonic in New York. Broke Theatre Company produced HC in Texas and Oklahoma in Fall, 2001.
- - - -
Characters.
P, father
Q, mother
HC, Horrible Child, of indeterminate sex, the only offspring of P and Q Child
T, Terrible, The Delightful Executioner, of indeterminate sex
- - - -
ACT I
(P and Q)
P
Horrible
Q
Horrible, what it is
P
Unbelievable
Q
Incredible, it's like a bad dream
P
A nightmare, like having a miniature Caligula
in the middle of our home
Q
In the middle of the living room
P
Horrible
Q
Horrible. When it was born we hired a
professional courtroom artist to do
sketches in the delivery room
P
This is how it thanks us
Q
The artist died of shock — why not we?
P
No such luck
Q
Horrible. I can't even bear to look
at them anymore, those sketches
P
Professional drawings! My spouse can't even
Q
I can't, I won't
P
look at them anymore because of the horrible
Q
When I think of the agony I endured
giving birth to that
P
that
Q
that
P
that
Q
that
P,Q
That Monster! That Horrible Monster!
(PAUSE)
P
Do you remember the rose petals we scattered
on our stomach when we found out we were pregnant?
Q
Do you remember how we danced the night after
the afternoon we learned we were with child?
P
I remember the gold filling in the doctor's
rear-left mouth the moment he said the word:
P,Q
PREGNANT
P
How it glistened during the first syllable
Q
PREG...
P
and expanded and burst like a star
Q
the entire cavity of his mouth, bright
P
blinding — How he yelped, his mouth scorched,
light flying from his mouth, filling
the entire office with the second syllable
Q
-NANT!
P
crashing through the window, shattering glass
Q
cascading out into the still, crisp air
P,Q
that late Thursday afternoon in winter
Q
on this unmoored continent adrift in the seas
P
of this spherical clump of matter in space
Q
how the word thawed the ice
on the windshield of our automobile
as we sat there in the parking lot that Thursday
P
how we sat there holding hands
P,Q
pregnant
Q
as the word did its work
loosening the molecules of ice as we sat,
P
As we sat
P,Q
as we sat there pregnant, and full of hope—
P
Deceitful memory.
Q
False harbinger.
P
Vestigial joy.
(PAUSE)
Q
What's that?!
P
Where?
Q
Thought I heard something.
P
Her? I don't. Him?
Q
Her?
P
Him.
Q
It.
P
It. Don't hear It.
Q
Doesn't mean much.
Hearing could be going, ours
P
Or It could have acquired a degree of stealth
since last we heard It.
Q
Wouldn't be out of character.
P
Wily imp
Q
Sub-imp
P
O what hopes we had
Q
What was that?
P
A noise!
Q
Thought I saw something
P
The Child?
Q
The same, thought I saw it over there somewhere.
Or over there. Somewhere. Or heard it. Miserable.
P
Miserable child.
P,Q
Miserable life.
(PAUSE)
Q
Nature?
P
Nurture?
P,Q
Neither.
(PAUSE)
P
Who can tell the why or wherefore?
Q
Who can explain the mysteries of Being and Becoming?
P
Whose idea was it to murder our parents,
that they need not suffer a Horrible Grandchild?
Q
Whose idea was it to slay, to spare all those
whose paths It might have crossed?
P
If only we could have gotten close enough
to the Horrible Thing Itself
Q
If only
P,Q
If
* * *
(HC)
HC
I'm not so bad as they say.
"They." They that made me?
Nay. They? Who are they?
I'm not as bad as is reputed,
tooted in the common fray
merely of my merrysay looted.
Horrible? Me? No. Me, horrible? No!
Not even the speck of a gram of a fleck
of a dram of the dregs of the dreck of it.
Sir? Miss? Do you see horrible in this?
I'll give you three better proposals:
a twig in a typhoon, a match in a monsoon,
and, in the path of a pin, a balloon.
Horrible, nope, not me, no way,
None, never, uh-uh, not I.
* * *
(P, Q, and HC)
P
Pretty horrible
Q
Not unhorrible at all
HC
Well —
Q
Despicable?
P
Hardly amicable
HC
To begin with —
P
Predictable
Q
worse: unpredictable
HC
Let me say that —
(PAUSE)
P
Just terrible
Q
Just?
HC
To start with —
P
Unjust
Q
Unadjustable
P
Maladjusted
HC
Just a minute —
(PAUSE)
HC
Lovable
Q
Insufferable
P
Suffocating
(PAUSE)
P
Troublesome
HC
Wantable
P
Undauntable
(PAUSE)
Q
Abominable
HC
Phenomenal
Q
Criminal
P
Inscrutable
HC
Beautiful
Q
Indescribably unbearable
P
Not conveivably pairable
Q
Indubitably, uncomparably
HC
Tintinabulatingly unsparably dutiful
P
Doubtful
(PAUSE)
Q
Doubting
P
Shouting
Q
Selftouting
(PAUSE)
P
Despicable
Q
Fickle
P
Sicklecell
Q
Hell
HC
Swell
Q
Hell
HC
Swell
P
Smell
HC
YOU CREATED ME!
P,Q
WOE IS US!
P
(to Q)
"Woe are we"?
Q
Who last had the manual of style?
Was it you?
P
I think you.
* * *
(HC, P, and Q)
HC
Will you tell me a story?
Q
Of course, Horrible. Any requests?
HC
Tell me about the day I was born.
Q
Oh P, do you want to give me a hand with this?
P
Of course, darling.
Q
The day I evicted you from my womb
was the most Horrible day I had ever known
up until that point.
HC
And you'd known some pretty bad days, hadn't you, Q?
Q
I surely had. But this was the worst.
Even so, compared to what has followed
it was one of the best days of my life.
HC
How bad was it, Q?
Q
Well, the pains were abominable
P
You were unbearable even before birth
Q
And yet
P
And yet, so entirely did we dread your debut
Q
We knew you were going to be horrible, Horrible,
and the closer you got to existing
P
with each hour that went by
Q
with each excruciating spasm of doom
P,Q
every second that went by without you
grew sweeter and sweeter
because you were not yet with us
Q
and we were loving the time that went by
P
and our celebration mounted and multiplied
in the continuing absence of your nativity
Q
and the clock ticked and tocked and still
your horrendous fetus remained invisible
P
and time was so drenched and drunk and slow
with your nonexistence, and we were dancing
and shouting for joy to still be living
without you
Q
then suddenly you —
P
you —
Q
you —
P,Q
you —
HC
I was born?
P
That's right, Horrible, you were born.
Q
And we became a family. Now try and get some sleep.
HC
Good night, P. Good night, Q.
(HC exits)
* * *
(P and Q)
P
Remember the rabbit?
Q
I dothat rabbit.
P
That horrible rabbit.
Q
That unditchable habit of It
P,Q
THAT HORRIBLE RABBIT OF THAT HORRIBLE CHILD
THAT HORRIBLE CHILD OF OURS
THAT HORRIBLE RABBIT OF IT
Q
You know, actually I remember: You liked that rabbit
P
The Horrible Rabbit? Never!
Q
No, I remember, you liked it. You said:
P
I never
Q
I remember you saying to our Wonderful Friends,
you said:
He is so cute.
Little pellets all over the house
So innocent
P
No, that was you who liked the Horrible Rabbit
Q
No
P
Yes, I remember
I remember you liking the Horrible Rabbit
I remember you saying
Q
I never
P
Yes, I remember you talking about him:
Darwin had quite a sense of humor
To create an animal
that has such a tremendous sense of humor,
a quality I treasure in a pet.
I had a dog when I was a child,
a wonderful dog, but...
Q
...couldn't take a joke;
This Wonderful Rabbit,
now he's something else,
never says anything
but there's a glimmer in his eye,
he's a funny animal —
You know, I do remember saying that. Vaguely.
(Enter HC with rabbit puppet)
HC
Accommmodations can be made!
Arrangements can be made!
Congratulations and recommendations,
Doldrums and necessary addendums unneeded,
Citations and excitations in a satisfying proportion!
Pomp pimps fired, rubber retired!
Everything will make clear and beautiful sense
to everybody and the purpose of our existence
will be explained! Megaflops and microwaves in our
heads will make of the world one true democracy!
Expectations shall be raised and satisfied!
Relations shall be written and ratified!
Anything can be done! Just give me five minutes!
P,Q
THAT HORRIBLE RABBIT
THAT HORRIBLE HORRIBLE RABBIT
P
Mammal only by grace
Q
Nothing to do with soul
P
Nothing to do with metabolism
Q
What was its name?
P,Q
THE HORRIBLE NAME OF THAT HORRIBLE RABBIT
OF THAT HORRIBLE CHILD OF OURS
Q
That horrible horrible name,
what was it? Horrible horrible
P
horrible horrible — Aardvark?
Q
No, Babbit?
P
No, Rasta?
Q
No, Rarebit?
P
No—
Q
I remember!
P
What was it?
Q
Goober!
P,Q
Webster's Ninth, “One who goobs,
noun intransitive,” Goober.
P,HC
Mammal only by grace!
Q,HC
Named for his own excrement!
P,HC
His entire life a heartattack!
Q
But as they say, what's in a name?
P
Ah see, you're soft on him
Q
No, it was you who sang love songs
to the Horrible Rabbit:
Oh, Wonderful Rabbit
It's been a long time to you, not to me;
An ounce of my life, a pound of yours,
my minutes your years, my tickle your tears;
How I weep, o rabbit,
at the haste and tonnage of your time
at the meat and spinach of your fears...
P
And the rain that's falling,
it feels like years since it's rained like that
...And now, as the sky clears
and you and I sit, rabbit, facing each other;
and as you remain in your cage
(although the door is open)
and I remain in this uncomfortable position
I feel the passage of my own time,
I see it speeding by,
the speed of those clouds in the clearing sky.
Tell me, rabbit, as we wait on this night
&
or the others to come home
is that the car in the driveway?
As we wait, do we together know
the passage of Time?
O rabbit, are you hearing me?
Rabbit are you hearing me?
P,Q
Goober Goober with your eyes so bright
Goober with your fur so brown and white
Who'd have thought you'd come to naught?
P,Q,HC
Fur in our arteries till Death,
molecules of the wheeze of Goober
in our memorizing mouths' every Breath;
Goober Scoober Doober, underneath a tree,
with us you will always be.
* * *
(P and Q, with HC asleep nearby)
P
Whose idea was it not to kill It?
Q
The Horrible Child or the Horrible Rabbit?
P
The Horrible Child. Don't you remember?
Q
Yes, we were all set
P
We had everything ready
Q
It was asleep,
our onetime wouldbe pride and joy
P
It was you who'd wanted a boy
Q
Never
P
Yes, it was you who said:
“How I hope it's a boy!”
Q
I think you, P
P
I think you, Q
Q
Well it isn't a boy
P
Well it might be.
(PAUSE)
(P and Q tiptoe toward HC)
Q
The Horrible Child Was Sleeping
and up to It we were creeping
P
A noose, a pistol, a hand grenade
Q
It was snoring that Horrible Snore...
(Q,P
[to audience]
While it might seem a tragedy
to resort unto strategy
for such a familiar malady
Q
— that of a horrible child —
Q,P
we say:
P
This is no ordinary horrible child,
Q
This is not what you call a horrible child,
P, Q
This is The Horrible Child
Q
This is the gruel and saucer.)
P
It's a shame we never knew what sex It was.
Q
Maybe there'll be an autopsy and we'll find out.
P
Well...Here. Tie this end to the chandelier,
I'll put this around Its neck, and in just a few
moments we'll be free!
Q
Can you imagine! Life without the Horrible Child!
P
You know, I've seen murder on TV so often,
but I've never been to an actual murder.
Q
Nor I. Oh darling
(they kiss, then abruptly break off)
P
You relented! You peacenik! What a wonderful
opportunity to do away with the Horrible
Child — gone forever.
Q
It was you who gave in.
P
I think you.
Q
I think you.
* * *
(HC sleeps, P and Q approach)
P
Horrible, wake up!
HC
Let me sleep!
Q
It's time for the Project!
HC
It's three in the morning!
Q
Project time!
HC
Do it without me!
Q
The Project requires three!
HC
Let's do it tomorrow!
P
Horrible, now!
HC
I don't want to do the Project!
Q
But it's time to do the Project!
HC
Tomorrow
P
Now
HC
Tomorrow
Q
Now
HC (sim.) P,Q
Tomorrow Now
(PAUSE)
Q
Here we go
P
And we're off
Q
Let the Project begin. Horrible?
HC (reading)
O Projector,
were it not for you, where would we be?
P
Coiled in canisters dingeless but dark,
outside time, tightly wound, oblivious;
Q
Forever falling long of two dimensions;
sprocketed not with profit and joy.
HC
We are puny climbers; the infinite wall
before us but the first of innumerable stairs
leading up to the Projection Room —
Hey, what does "Projector" mean?
Q
"Projector"the reason we call it "The Project."
HC
Oh.
Q
Shhh.
P
Q, why don't you read.
Q
"There once was a time when there were
twelve profits and joys, numbering but a
dozen; and some called them two sixes of
profits and joys, and some called them
half the joys and profits numbering
twenty-four, but all were certain that
there were the amount of profits and
joys that all have ever known as twelve,
and thanks were given to the twelve
profits and joys that the Projector did
bestow. And the dailies were shown as
ever they were, each day, or as some
have said, daily; and there came a day
when the dailies did reveal a thirteenth
profit and/or joy — "
Q,P,HC
for such are profit and joy that day-to-day
one may appear as the other; such are the profits
and joys of the dailies
Q
"And lo, there was much rejoicing; and some
called them a dozen plus one profits and joys,
and others did say a six and a seven, and
some did call them half of twenty-six;
but on this they did all agree: that
there were now a Baker's Dozen of profits
and joys; and thus did the Projector come
to be known here and there from time to
time as the Baker; but we do know the
true name of the Baker to be the
Projector." Together:
Q,P,HC
O Projector, we thank thee for thy Projections.
P
"And I went to the place where there were
none of us, on a night when none of us were
anywhere and I sat out in the open and told
myself several things about myself. And I went
into the beautiful room, and there was someone
there already calling out 'How beautiful!' and
this voice echoed and echoed, bouncing off of
cylinders, towers of canisters of gleaming
silver film." Horrible? Horrible!
Q
Horrible, snap out of it!
P
Wake up!
HC
What, what?
P
It's your line!
HC
Where?
P,Q
Top of the page.
HC
It's too dark in here, I can't see —
Q
(hands something to HC)
Take this, it will dilate your eyes.
(HC pops it into mouth)
P
Got it?
HC
Yeah.
Q
OK.
P
Now the rhythm is ruined.
Q
Take it back a little.
P
OK, uh..."And this voice echoed and echoed, bouncing
off of cylinders, towers of canisters of...film."
(PAUSE)
Q,P
Horrible!
HC
— I know, I know! "And the voice called again,
'Beautiful, beautiful! The film untried, unseen,
all here and yet all to come. Remain here and
become my lens, through which I will project the
film over the heads of the world!'"
P
It's time for the white noise —
HC, where are the matches?
HC
Do you know what matches can do, P?
P
We're just going to light one, HC, not make one.
HC
Well, careful where you do it.
P
Now Q, the TV.
Q
OK...
(Q turns on the TV)
P,Q,HC
Your Big Picture began with time
began with light, began with time,
flying outward
Q
The center of Your blossoming sphere
is the average and eventual direction of all gravity
P
The velocity of gravity is the opposite
of the velocity of light
Q
Mind is the everplay of light and gravity
HC
So darkness, or any deviation from white light, we're
actually seeing gravity, or seeing the effect of gravity —
Q
Shhhh!
P
Stick to the text!
The end of the picture takes all time
Q
the start of the picture takes no time
P,Q
both are impossible save for the Projector.
P,Q,HC
We thank the Perpetual Motion Picture Projector,
whose rotations have enabled us to
thank the Perpetual Motion Picture Projector
whose permutations have enabled us to
thank the Perpetual Motion Picture Projector
whose appellations have enabled us to
thank the Perpetual Motion Picture Projector
without whose suggestions we would not exist to
thank the Perpetual Motion Picture Projector —
P
Mind is the cradle of thought is the vessel of mind
Q
Mind becomes thought becomes mind
HC
The one, expressed, proceeds into the all
P
Through thought, mind makes itself;
mind is the maker of thought
Q
is the maker of mind is the matter of
P
thought is the means of
Q
mind is massless matter is
HC
thought unminded is
Q
mind unthought is
P
mind unformed
Q
is matter unmined —
HC
Massacre!
P
By monologue
HC
Genocide!
Q
By travelogue
HC
Torture!
P
By dialogue
Q
By the book!
P
By catalogue
P,Q,HC
Flourish, Fermata, At Ease, and hail to the Projector
without whom we would be unable to thank the Projector
without whom we would be unable to hail the Projector,
whom we thank now for existing so that we may hail and
thank the Projector whom we hail now for existing so
that we may thank and hail the Projector as we do now.
P
Break a leg
Q
Break a leg
HC
Break a leg —
Can I go back to sleep now?
P
Why?
HC
I have to dream of the Projector.
P
Run along, HC.
HC
Good night Q. Good night, P.
(HC exits)
* * *
(HC, P, Q)
HC
Dear Terrible,
P
It never talks to us
HC
Thank you for being my pen-pal.
P
Did we teach it to speak?
Q
I know I've heard it shriek
P
I've heard it strategically squeak
Q
deceitfully creak
P
I've heard it sound like from an ostrich beak
HC
Although there is an E at the end of my
name, which, in French, anyway, indicates
the feminine, please note that there are
cases in which just one E really means
masculine, and two means feminine.
Q
No wait, I recall a mild squall of civility
P
you've cracked
Q
A rash of tact
P
impossibility
Q
No, I distinctly remember in May
P
No, what you remember is September,
I remember the day; it wasn't HC,
it was the Volunteer Fireman's Wedding
down on Main Street
Q
It was the Horrible Child
P
It was the Fireman's Wedding —
HC
So as to my sex, I'm afraid I must answer that
I do not know. The thing is — there's too much
hair to tell, too much even for an XRay. And
it's too hot toward the center to feel manually...
P
We've heard it freak and leak and reek
Q
I'm surely sure I've heard it speak
P
We've never heard it speak —
It doesn't speak; we've heard it screak,
We've heard it sound like a thrashing
animal sounds to a delicate antique
HC
Once I melted a thermometer down there, and
all the mercury got all over the floor. When
the glass cooled it was very uncomfortable.
For weeks, I wept like an infant. I was an
infant. But I'm older now. And I have just
one request:
Q
No, I remember the sound
of the Blasted Scoundrel Talking
P
squawking, maybe, balking
Q
talking
P
hawking, maybe hacking
Q
talking
HC
Would you please include more dirty words
in your letters? P and Q, the people who
I live with and who made me, tend to be
rather refined in their manners
P
hucking, clucking, maybe, faxing
Q
talking
P
maybe cracking
Q
talking
P
ticking, maybe
Q
talking
P
maybe tacking
Q
talking
P
tocking?
Q
talking
P
talking, you say?
Q
talking
P
talking?
Q
talking
(P and Q continue...)
HC
Oh sure, I tried it once as an experiment.
I thought that if maybe I tried treating them
as creatures capable of sympathy, of human
feeling, then maybeif onlywho was I kidding?
Sure, I tried speaking like a normal human being,
I tried talking —
(to P and Q)
It.
(PAUSE)
P
What?
HC
It.
P
What do you mean, “It”?
HC
It.
P
(to Q)
What does It mean?
Q
It.
HC
It.
Q
It.
HC
You.
P
What?
HC
You.
P
What do you mean, “You”?
HC
You.
P
(to Q)
What does It mean?
Q
You.
HC
You.
(rapid:)
P
What are you asking?
HC
What are you talking about?
Q
What are you saying?
HC
What do you mean?
Q
What do you mean?
P
Uhuh; never spoke; cried at the yoke,
choked on its Coke, never spoke.
Blitzkrieg on our ears for years
in all that time it never spoke
Q
Once
P
Never
HC
Once
P
Never ever
Q
I remember
P
Never
Q
Remember
P
Never Maybe once
Q
Right
P
But no more than once — laughable ration!
HC
Sure, once. I pried it from my mouth like taffy;
I spoke to them as if they were capable of compassion —
(to P and Q)
I've been thinking . . .
P
About what?
HC
Beeswax.
P
(alarmed)
You didn't say what I thought you did,
did you, Horrible?
HC
I don't know what you thought I said.
“Beeswax” is what I said; it's what
I've been thinking about.
P
I thought you said beeswax. So beeswax is what
you've been thinking about and what you are
talking about. Well then. Mate! The Horrible
Child has been thinking and speaking.
Q
About what?
HC,P
Beeswax.
Q
The Child speaks of beeswax?
P
The Child speaks of beeswax.
HC
And also do I think of beeswax.
Q
After all these years
How many years? three? four?
P
I think three or four
Q
After three or four years of Nonstop Evil,
It claims to think of beeswax, to speak
of beeswax?
HC
It's not a claim, it's a fact.
P
Well let's hear no more about beeswax.
HC
But it's on my mind.
P
Well take your mind out from under it.
Q
Don't you ever, ever use that word, are you
listening, HC? From your mouth it sounds like
a swarm of poisonous wasps
HC
But —
P
But not! Just keep an eye on your mouth, mister
misswhatever you are. If we teach you nothing
else. If you heed our word ever again not, spare
us the excruciating novelty of hearing that word
'scape your lips. Some things you don't talk about.
HC
Why not?
Q
"Why," you mean.
P
No, Q, "Why not" is proper phrasing.
Q
Hm. Perhaps you're right.
HC
Why not?
P
Regarding beeswax, HC, the more you talk,
the worse your life.
Q
Talk is the excrement of the soul.
P
Good things are better left unsaid.
HC
I see.
Q
Don't say "I see." Say:
"Why didn't you tell me yesterday?"
HC
Why didn't you tell me that yesterday?
Q
Close enough.
P
Bminus.
Q
Now try this: "Why me?"
HC
Why me?
Q
Not bad, try it once more, this time
see if you can pronounce the H in "why."
Enunciate!
P
"Why me?" Repeat: "WHHHY me?"
HC
WHHHHHH-Y me?
P
That's much better!
Q
Now. “Wit's end." Noun, adjective, adverb,
verb. Noun: I'm at my wit's end.
HC
I'm at my wit's end, noun.
Q
Adjective: You're looking very wit's endy today.
HC
You're looking very wit's endy today, adjective.
Q
Adverb: Jane crossed the street wit's endedly.
HC
Jane crossed the street wit's endedly, adverb.
Q
Verb: Tom wit's ended himself through the
encha
