Timothy McSweeney's Header Image

D I S P A T C H E S   F R O M
A   P U B L I C   L I B R A R I A N

BY SCOTT DOUGLAS

- - - -

Dispatch 20 (11/3/05)

I think the first clue that the man was going to be a problem was when he said to me, "I want to know who took my generator—was it you?" This was actually the first thing he said to me. It wasn't just what he said or even the hostile way that he said it that made me know that this was going to be one of the conversations they didn't teach you how to handle in library school—it was everything about him. The way he moved, or rather fidgeted, told me right away that he had had the sort of breakfast that destroys brain cells.

I had never seen the man, but I knew right away who he was. The previous night we'd discovered that some people had been stashing their belongings behind the air-conditioning unit in back of the library. A polite note was left saying that if they didn't remove the items, the library would have to remove them for them. It was nothing personal—for liability reasons, people just can't do this.

I checked the back of the library to make sure everything was gone—it was—so I figured the problem had been solved.

It hadn't.

"It isn't right—that generator cost me 300 bucks, and someone is going to pay."

I apologized to the man and explained, "The library can't be responsible for belongings left behind."

The man became more agitated. "Then you know—you know where it was hidden. It was you. You took my generator."

I shook my head no and explained, "I saw it last night, and know a note was left for its owner to remove it from the property."

The man's eyes got bigger. He crossed his arms and nodded a bit psychotically, "I know your kind—don't think I don't. You think just because you have a job you can take from me." He paused and continued in a threatening way, "You're either going to give me back my generator or pay me. Otherwise, I'll call the police."

Even if the man had not appeared to be on drugs, I think I still would have been a little nervous—he wasn't bigger than me, but his appearance suggested the sort of man who liked to keep a knife in his pocket. Still, I did my best to hide any fear, and calmly explained, "Sir, I assure you that I did not take your generator. Maybe you should call the police and report it as stolen." I knew that he wouldn't call them, but I could always hope.

"Oh, don't think that I won't." He paused, then asked, insanely curious, "Where is your car parked?"

Plenty of patrons had asked me strange things, but this was the first who asked me where my car was parked. It was almost comical to look at the man, because he actually thought I was going to tell him. I struggled to come up with a reply, but the best I could muster was, "That's personal." What I meant to say was, "Sir, the fact that I work in a public library doesn't make me stupid, it just makes me poor. There's no way I'm going to tell you—a psychotic person who could very well have a knife in his pocket—where I have parked my car."

The man stood straighter, and actually, in his straightness, began to look even crazier. "It's in the parking lot, isn't it?"

So now the man thinks he's Sherlock Holmes, I thought, amused. A car parked in a parking lot—who would have ever guessed!

I didn't answer his question, which apparently was the answer the man was looking for. "I knew it—I'll find it. Don't think that I won't. And I bet that generator's in the trunk."

He left the library, but didn't leave the premises. I sent a co-worker out a few minutes later, who told me he was riding a bike in circles around the parking lot.

I don't think he found his generator, but, lucky for me, he got tired of looking for my car after two hours and left in time for me to go home.

- - - -

MORE DISPATCHES

 

 

- - - -

MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES

 

Memories of Amanda Davis

 


Red dot denotes content that is new today.

Black dot denotes newish content.

McSWEENEY'S STORE

SUBSCRIBE TO:
McSWEENEY'S
THE BELIEVER
WHOLPHIN

FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS

THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD

INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE

McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST

McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES

ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES

SUBMISSION GUIDELINES:
FOR BOOKS
FOR THE QUARTERLY
FOR THE WEBSITE
FOR WHOLPHIN

McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS

CONTACT US

- - - -

LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S

LISTS

McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS

McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS

NEW WHOLPHIN FILM

DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST

JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY

REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD

DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW

SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT?

DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA

THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL

BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS

DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST

DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ

SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES

PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON

STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE

DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET

KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE

SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY

LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES

THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST

ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT

ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES

ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS

ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS

ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS

LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY

DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY

ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY

DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE

JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES

B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE

INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS

OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND

DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN

MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY

DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO
A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA


STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT

- - - -

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL