Timothy McSweeney's Header Image

- - - -

Just in time for Valentine's Day,
the Guardian in London has
reviewed and raved about
The Secret Language of Sleep.
And, for the rest of the week,
you can buy it for $5!

- - - -

L I S T S .

- - - -

This section will be updated as often as possible with several new lists at a time.

[Send your list submissions to lists@mcsweeneys.net.]

- - - -

Mountain Man Dance Moves: The McSweeney's Book of Lists is available for purchase at any bookstore you care to name.

- - - -

Horticultural Westerns
By Alex Schmidt (2/4/10)

Marijuana or Rollercoaster?
By Lockie Hunter (2/4/10)

Overachieving Beers
By Jimmy Chen (2/4/10)

Hit Singles From the 1990's in Passive Voice
By Jim Rodovich (1/28/10)

Things Dorothy Parker Might Have Said, Had She Been a Mother
By Stephany Aulenback and Dennis Stacey (1/28/10)

Benefits Not Provided By "Friends With Benefits"
By Tony Carnevale (1/28/10)

How I Plan To Impress My Girlfriend's Parents
By Walter Green (1/21/10)

My Roommate's Apparent Step-By-Step Method For Turning Off My Alarm Clock When I'm Out Of Town
By Jason Mustian (1/21/10)

Medical Treatments Prescribed By My Mother, a General Internist, for My Varying Ailments
By Eva Meszaros (1/21/10)

Obstacles That Keep My Career as a French Professor from Being More Like Tim Gunn's on Project Runway
By Hervé Picherit (1/14/10)

Other Halls and Oates
By Monique Madrid (1/14/10)

When All Else Fails, Name Your Self-Help Book After a Raymond Carver Story
By Sean Carman (1/14/10)

2010 Dead Pool Nominees, Local NYC Business Edition
By Joseph Housley (1/7/10)

A Comparative Study in Theme Park Attractions: Mexico's Chichén Itzá Ruins vs. Disney World's Magic Kingdom
By GC Cunningham (1/7/10)

The Top Ten Movies of 1909
By Christopher Cantwell (1/7/10)

"Must-Haves" for the Holiday Season
By Aubrey Cloutier (12/17/09)

Tonight On HGTV
By Kim Justice (12/17/09)

Jazz Substandards
By Lucas Klauss (12/17/09)

Number of Twitter Followers of Famous Historical Figures
By Ben Greenman (12/10/09)

Backhanded Compliments
By Beth Scozzafava and Nathan Szymanski (12/10/09)

If My Upcoming Indian Childhood Memoir Fails, Literary Mashups I Could Create With It Instead
By Rupinder Gill (12/10/09)

Biblical Figures of the NYSE
By Jim Connelly (12/3/09)

More Academic Euphemisms for Masturbating
By Reid McDonlad and Doug McInnes (12/3/09)

My MFA Workshop Responds to My Twitter Status Updates
By Anthony Sams (12/3/09)

A Cornucopia of Thanksgiving Lists
(11/25/09)

Previous Experience Listed on the Résumé of a Male Nude Model Applying for a Job in the Monroe Community College Advanced Figure Drawing Class
By Rit Bottorf (11/19/09)

Notes from the Landlord
By Brandi Wells (11/19/09)

Captain Blackbeard's College of Piracy — Ye Olde Course Catalogue, Spring '10
By Christopher Robinson (11/19/09)

The Franz Liszt
By Robert Bullis (11/12/09)

Lost J.M.W. Turner Compositions
By Frank Morris (11/12/09)

Calvin Coolidge Wins the Internet
By Maureen Miller (11/12/09)

My Personal Netflix Recommendation Categories
By Keri Bertino (11/5/09)

Tom Swifties Excised from the Bible
By Cory Harris (11/5/09)

Movie Deals For Eight Dadamedy Shorts, 1919-1922
By Bryan R. Farrow (11/5/09)

Actuarial Tables
By Jeff Bercovici and Piper Weiss (10/29/09)

Terrible Poetry Jokes
By Peter LaVelle (10/29/09)

Fourteen Nipple Synonyms for Romance Novelists
By Noah F. Grossman (10/29/09)

Roman Bumper Stickers
By Kathleen Johnson (10/22/09)

Seven Rejected Improv Troupe Scenarios
By Eric Auld (10/22/09)

Airlines of Last Resort
By Mike Richardson-Bryan (10/22/09)

What to Expect: The Third Decade
By Summer Block Kumar (10/15/09)

Lowest Priority H1N1 Vaccine Groups
By Sarah Garb (10/15/09)

Bob Dylan GPS Voice Quotes
By Dan Wilbur (10/15/09)

Super Super Foods
By Will Bailey (10/8/09)

Hairstyles That Would Also Make Better Lovers Than My Boyfriend, Bob
By Rebecca Huval (10/8/09)

George W. Bush's Retirement To-Do List Regarding the Gophers on Crawford Ranch
By Kate Hahn (10/8/09)

YouTube Comment or e.e. cummings?
By François Vincent (10/1/09)

Four Things Written to Me from the Dean, Forwarded by a Secretary
By Travis Dale Lindeman (10/1/09)

The Least Popular Gift Cards at Wegmans
By Ken Krimstein (10/1/09)

Eleven Things One Should Never Say While Climaxing with a New Lover
By Adam Skalman (9/24/09)

Failed One-Liners from My Audition for Host of Australia's Funniest Home Videos
By Wayne Gladstone and Ian Carey (9/24/09)

Entries from the Index of First Lines in Frederick Seidel's Poems 1959-2009 Taken as a True/False Quiz
By Georgia Cool (9/24/09)

The AND1 Office Mixtape Tour
By Dan Moreau (9/17/09)

The Other Bathroom Numbers
By David Wechsler (9/17/09)

Phrases My Orchestra Conductor Has Said to Me That Could Get Him Fired if Said Out of Context
By E.M. Gala (9/17/09)

Hurricane or Grandparent?
By Dylan Brown (9/3/09)

15 Uses for Vodka
By Will Bailey (9/3/09)

Republican S&M Safe Words
By Nathan Pensky (9/3/09)

Hyundai Motor Company Model, Cirque du Soleil Show, or Pharmaceutical?
By Adam McDowell (8/20/09)

Mathematical Refutations of Folk Wisdom
By Andrew dePasquale (8/20/09)

I Came Here to Do Two Things: _______ and Kick Ass. And I'm _______.
By Wes Brown (8/20/09)

Character from a Thomas Pynchon Novel or Someone Who Recently Sent Me Spam?
By Matt Barnhart (8/6/09)

Philosopher Finishing Moves
By Pravasan Pillay (8/6/09)

Spoilers I've Delivered To English Lit Majors
By Wayne Gladstone (8/6/09)

Movies for Architects
By Blair Fink (8/6/09)

Status Updates Since My Mother Became My Facebook Friend
By Scott A. Harris (7/31/09)

Signs This Film is Not Your Big Break
By Stef Willen (7/31/09)

My Line of Children's Slogan T-Shirts Just Isn't Selling
By Andrew Fleming (7/31/09)

Iran or Star Wars?
By M. Lindsay Moore (7/2/09)

Heavy Metal Board Games
By Andrea Bellemare (7/2/09)

Properties I Learned In Math Class On Brownian Motion (BM), with Explanations
By Scott Lowenstein (7/1/09)

Titles From The Baby-Sitters Club: The College Years Series
By Grace Dobush (6/18/09)

More Appropriate Wi-Fi Network Names for My Fellow Apartment Building Tenants
By Josh Silverstein (6/18/09)

Books On Tape
By Jonathan Baude and J. Alex Boyd (6/18/09)

Aesop's Wife's Tales
By Doug Lieblich (6/11/09)

Non-Safety Schools
Matthew A. Cohen (6/11/09)

Key to High School Yearbook Abbreviations, Updated and Expanded
By Marc Tyler Nobleman (6/11/09)

Party Games For the Recession
By Carmen Nobel and Aaron Nobel (6/4/09)

Potential Business Opportunities Based On Songs By The Rolling Stones, à la "Ruby Tuesday" Restaurant
By Trevor Seigler (6/4/09)

Items Available at the Socratic Deli & Grocery
By Chad Lavimonière (6/4/09)

Norse Spirituals
By Alex Schmidt (5/19/09)

Events From Our Office Functions, Written as Newspaper Headlines
By M. Wilson (5/19/09)

Presidents Who Could Also Be Strippers
By Noel Wood (5/19/09)

Tips for Avoiding Swine Flu
By Kristin Hillery and Janice Chan (5/5/09)

Great Moments in American and Brady Bunch History
By Jeremy Davids (5/5/09)

From the People Who Brought You Poetry Slam
By Mike Richardson-Bryan (5/5/09)

Articles of Clothing That Go Well With Distressed Jeans
By Colleen Doyle (4/24/09)

FMyLife Moments in Greek Mythology
By Jon Mitchell Edge and Tim Caine (4/24/09)

Dogs the Obama Girls Met but Did Not Choose
By Glen David Gold (4/24/09)

Unrhymed Couplets Written Upon Learning My Ex Scored a Five-Figure Book Deal
By Chaya Chopra (4/17/09)

Certain Terms and Conditions May Apply to This Offer of Marriage
By Torey Lightcap (4/17/09)

Inquiries and Mitigations Made by Both Your Financial Consultant and Your Gynecologist
By Lauren Bans (4/17/09)

1980s TV Shows for Plants
By Ross Murray (3/30/09)

Things Said in the Sleep-Research Lab That Could Also Refer to a One-Night Stand
By Megan Helena Conner (3/30/09)

Paleolithic Bryan Adams: A Playlist
By Josiah Lindsley (3/30/09)

Partial Index of First Lines From The Academy of American Sciences Presents: Famous Love Poems Enhanced by 21st-Century Research Findings
By Andrew Neuendorf (3/24/09)

Passive-Aggressive Compliments I Give to My Wife That Were Stolen From Prince Lyrics
By Doug Campbell and Julia McCloy (3/24/09)

Actual Personal-Health-Care Tips From The 1917 U.S. Army Manual of Military Training (Written by Colonel James A. Moss) That Still Make Good Sense Today
By John Kearney (3/24/09)

Tweets From the Roman Senate During Cicero's First Oration Against Catiline
By Daniel O'Keefe (3/17/09)

Unpopular Mardi Gras Shouts
By David Ellis Dickerson (3/17/09)

Thoughts That Kept Picasso Up at Night
By Sascha Cohen (3/17/09)

SerendipiTea's New Workplace Line of Teas
By Karen Schechner (3/13/09)

Titles I'm Kicking Around for My Forthcoming Bernie Madoff Biopic
By Eric Feezell (3/13/09)

Academic Monographs by Stars of the 1980s
By Burke Hilsabeck (3/13/09)

Investment Opportunities for a Weak Economy, Suggested by the Ghost of James Brown
By David Hart (2/27/09)

School Mascots That More Acccurately Represent the Student Body at My University
By Chris Milmore (2/27/09)

Why Karma Is a Bitch
By Laura Leu (2/27/09)

Things I Thought or Heard While Serving in Iraq
By Steven A. Devine (2/12/09)

SportsCenter Anchors Tell the Story of Jesus Christ
By Brendan Fitzgibbons (2/12/09)

Thoughts I've Had While Watching Intervention That Could Possibly Be Red Flags
By Walter Carson (2/12/09)

Fortune-Cookie Messages Appropriate for Dickens Characters
By Julia McCloy and Travis Tyler (2/5/09)

Legacies of Other Bush Administrations
By Charlie Hopper (2/5/09)

The Real Housewives of Hazzard County
By Wendi Aarons (2/5/09)

Failed Food Cross-Promotions of the 1970s and Their Taglines
By Wayne Gladstone and Eric Feezell (1/29/09)

Rockinest Weather Forecasts by Decade
By Luke O'Neil (1/29/09)

Why I'll Never Make It as a Standup Comedian
By Ed Murray (1/29/09)

Secure Website Authentification Questions
By Joel Gunz (1/8/09)

Mysterious Ways in Which the Lord Works
By JT Dobbs (1/8/09)

Radiohead at the Culinary Institute
By Jimmy Chen (1/8/09)

Unpromising Apartment-Ad Teasers Actually Found on Craigslist That Would Make Even Less Promising Personal-Ad Teasers
By Eric Feezell (12/19/08)

Economic Concepts That Apply to My Love Life
By Jeff Bladt (12/19/08)

Several Mutations Thwarted by Natural Selection
By Pete Reynolds (12/19/08)

More-Realistic Names for Chex Party Mix (Based on My Personal Experience)
By Peter Bartlett (12/5/08)

What Could Have Been
By Colin Perkins (12/5/08)

Evidence That Automakers Predicted Senate Hearings but Not the Outcome of the 2008 Presidential Election
By Elizabeth Worthington (12/5/08)

Self-Analysis of Last Week's Dreams
By John Bobey (11/13/08)

Reasons You Might Die of Consumption in a 19th-Century Novel, in Order From Least Likely to Most Likely
By Arielle Zibrak (11/13/08)

Modesty Plates
By Lucas Klauss (11/13/08)

New Anxiety Medications for Coping With Economic Gloom
By Peter Scallion (10/31/08)

Famous Lines From '80s Anthems Adjusted for the Cost of Living
By Gabrielle Wootton (10/31/08)

Tenth-Graders' Favorite Suggestive Terms From Geometry
By Mark Amundsen (10/22/08)

STD Medication or Character From The NeverEnding Story?
By Sam O'Brien (10/22/08)

Things That Sound Like the FedEx Truck Delivering the Job-Offer Letter That Will End My Employment Drought
By Kathy Tempesta (10/22/08)

Parade Magazine's "What People Earn": Grimms' Fairy Tale Edition
By Lance Waller (10/1/08)

Starting Lineup for the Fantasy Football Team "Last of the Mohicans"
By Joseph S. Dubroff (10/1/08)

Things Not to Tell Fellow Construction Workers When You're the New Guy
By Zach Fox (10/1/08)

All I Really Need to Know I Learned in My Spam Box
By Spencer Green (9/11/08)

Dance Dance Revolution
By Matthew Bonanno (9/11/08)

New Texting Acronyms for the Elderly
By Tominda Adkins (9/11/08)

Three Things I'd Take to a Desert Island
By Mike Sacks (8/28/08)

Jokes I Came Up With While Recovering From Methicillin-Resistant Staphylococcus aureus
By Olivia Walch (8/28/08)

Footnotes, Endnotes, and Parentheticals That Cost Me Marks on My Thesis
By Mike Baylis (8/28/08)

T-Shirts My Ex-Boyfriends Would Wear in a More Honest World
By Laura Registrato (8/21/08)

Notable Moments at Home-School Prom
By Lincoln Michel (8/21/08)

Planned Sequels to Nicolas Cage's Upcoming Film Bangkok Dangerous
By Benjamin Sarlin (8/21/08)

Jane Austen Tries Her Hand at Advertising
By Halli Melnitsky (7/31/08)

Kama Suture Techniques
By Sara Kinninmont (7/31/08)

Parks for English Majors
By Andrew Bridgman (7/31/08)

New York's Best Child Doctors
By Lucas Klauss (7/17/08)

I Think My Soulmate Has Done Hard Time
By Jerry Renek, Marty Shields, John Garside, and Keith Landau (7/17/08)

Pickup Lines to Use While Moving
By Alison Rosen (6/27/08)

Existential Travel Guides
By Kevin Ueda (6/27/08)

Phrases I'd Rather Not Be Used at My Funeral
By Harry Burt (6/27/08)

Neil Diamond's Shilo: Girl, Dog, or Demon?
By Ann Tweedy (6/20/08)

Table Names at Our Wedding If We Were Truthful
By Harris Bloom (6/20/08)

All the Words
By Nicole Cliffe (6/20/08)

Top Searches on Gogol.com
By Teddy Wayne (6/4/08)

Reasons Why Your Retired Derby-Winning Stallion Isn't Siring
By Marco Kaye (6/4/08)

The Final Standings in a Contest to Create an Emoticon for the Most Seemingly Impossible to Depict State of Being
By Adam Quesnell (6/4/08)

Selected Minutes From Lolcat City Council Meetings
By Chris Steck (5/20/08)

30 Rocks
By Rachel Andelman (5/20/08)

Performance-Review Phrases I Don't Want to Hear on Judgment Day
By Sarah Efird (5/20/08)

Intolerable Acts
By Mark Amundsen (5/14/08)

Jobs That Have Salaries Arguably Incommensurate With the Work They Entail
By Eric Feezell (5/14/08)

Actual Hummer Dealerships
By Andrew Brandon (5/14/08)

Lee Marvin's Blender Settings
By Jim Cowles (5/8/08)

Less Popular Alternatives to First-Person Shooters
By Philip Apps (5/8/08)

Court Cases With Which I Am Familiar
By Hudson Hongo (5/8/08)

What My Dad Is Talking About When He Yells "That's What I'm Talking 'Bout"
By Julia McCloy (4/24/08)

Categories I'd Be Sure to Win In on the Show Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?
By Mandy Schick (4/24/08)

Sex Practices of the Freelance Writer
By Iris Smyles (4/24/08)

Alternatives to Setting Your House on Fire to Avoid Foreclosure
By Melanie Berliet (4/16/08)

If Horton Lived in My Neighborhood
By Wendi Aarons (4/16/08)

Classes My Top-Tier Law School Should Have Offered as Warnings About the Profession
By E. Noakes (4/16/08)

Signs Your Work Environment Is Actually Van Halen Circa 1984
By Ryan Boudinot (4/10/08)

Uncircumcised Men Speak About Their Foreskins
By Jimmy Chen (4/10/08)

All Tomorrow's Pills
By Dan Kennedy (4/10/08)

Relationship Advice I Might Give, Considering How My Last One Ended
By Allison Morrow (4/3/08)

Easy-Listening Songs From the '70s, Rewritten by the Artists After They Had Kids
By Suzanne Broughton (4/3/08)

Porn for Depressives
By Carmen Nobel (4/3/08)

Underwhelmingly Titled Hypothetical Pro-Sports Video Games From the Early 1990s
By Jay Silverman (3/26/08)

Notes From My Grandma
By Mark Iscoe (3/26/08)

Titles of Love Songs I Would Write for People Like Me
By Kathy Salerno (3/26/08)

Text Messages That Would Have Been Helpful
By Jen Statsky (3/20/08)

American Gladiator or American Car Model?
By Sarah Spooner (3/20/08)

Broadway Musicals Written by Gender-Studies Professors
By Sascha Cohen (3/20/08)

A Comprehensive List of Third-Place Finishers for U.S. President, 2008–2036
By David Warnke (3/6/08)

Brews to Accessorize the Modern Hipster
By Kevin Scheitrum (3/6/08)

Unremarkable Things Bent by Uri Geller
By Tyler Smith (3/6/08)

An Accidental Merging of the 2007 Billboard Year-End Hot 100 With the Operating Report From My Bowel Resection
By Greta Boesel (2/28/08)

A Picnic Date Ending in an Awkward Sexual Encounter, Told Chronologically Through Board-Game Titles
By Jeff Russell (2/28/08)

Cowboy Deaths, in Descending Order of Degree of Dignity
By Nathan Thornton (2/28/08)

Unfortunate "That's What She Said" Precursors in Casual Sports
By David Henne (2/21/08)

Significant Ways I Differ From Carly Simon
By Mark Amundsen (2/21/08)

The Seven Laws of Higher Self-Esteem
By Wynn Quon (2/21/08)

Other Things There Will Be, in Addition to Blood
By Meredith Rodkey and Scott Rodkey (2/7/08)

Recipes for Disaster
By Jennifer Miller (2/7/08)

The 21st-Century Adventures of Tintin
By Neil Graf (2/7/08)

NFL Players Whose Names Sound Vaguely Dickensian, and the Characters They Would Be in an Actual Dickens Novel (2007–2008 Regular Season Edition)
By Susan Schorn (2/1/08)

Times You're a Lady
By Jessica Clary (2/1/08)

What Pathologists Might Name Their Daughters
By Brett Ortler (2/1/08)

The Oldest Tricks in the Book
By Neil Reynolds (1/24/08)

If Allen Ginsberg Had Written Pay-Per-Click Ads
By Russell Bradbury-Carlin (1/24/08)

Rejected Introductions to Days of Our Lives
By Andy Friedhof (1/24/08)

A Brief History of the War on Terror as Told Through Song Titles of the Legendary Canadian Rock Group April Wine
By Caley Feldman (1/17/08)

Maxim Articles Rewritten as Sociology Papers
By François Vincent (1/17/08)

Alternate Titles for It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World
By Julia McCloy (1/17/08)

Top Ten Best Ever
By Peter Ferland (1/10/08)

Art Movements Inspired by 2008 Presidential Hopefuls
By Eric Feezell (1/10/08)

The Wages of Sin
By David W. McCoy (1/10/08)

Correspondences Between TV Characters and Sets Containing a Specified Number of Items
By Jay Wexler (12/20/07)

Band Names That, When Announced From the Stage, Elicit the Most-Tepid Responses
By Melanie Minzes and Christian Harris (12/20/07)

"Clue" Accusations, 2012
By David Hart (12/20/07)

Yiddish Spam
By Matthew David Brozik (12/13/07)

Songs of the Beach Boys Adapted as Homeric Hymns (Circa 800 B.C.)
By Alexander Nazaryan (12/13/07)

The Lesser-Known Slogans of Political Moderates
By Kate Johansen and Katie Bukowski (12/13/07)

Rarely Used Parenthetical Statements
By Eric Karjala (12/7/07)

Twisted Sister: Where Are They Now?
By Mike Drucker and Jon Clarke (12/7/07)

James Bond Films for the George W. Bush Era
By Christopher A. Smith (12/7/07)

Increasingly Dangerous Cheeses
By Lucas Klauss (11/29/07)

How-To Books Based on Pregnancy Bestsellers
By David Fuad (11/29/07)

Twenty-First-Century Computing, as Explained by My Mother
By Pasha Malla (11/29/07)

A Hillbilly Thanksgiving Menu
By Mark Fisher (11/21/07)

Lifetime Television Movies of the Future
By Jessie Cantrell (11/21/07)

Lowbrow TV Programming for Linguists
By Andrew C. Duenas (11/21/07)

Billy Ray Cyrus's Remaining Daughters and the Relative Worth of Their Concert Tickets
By Mark Squirek (11/15/07)

Personals From Nonpersons
By Peter Cameron (11/15/07)

Chain Restaurants That Went Kosher
By Jacob Stulberg (11/15/07)

Top Hip-Hop Acts of 18th-Century England
By Mike Richardson-Bryan (11/8/07)

State Mottoes for the Severely Depressed
By Wendy Molyneux (11/8/07)

New Romantic-Networking Websites for the Single Archaeologist
By Eric Feezell and Wayne Gladstone (11/8/07)

Innovative Mischief-Night Pranks You Are More Than Welcome to Play on Me
By Frank Ferri (10/31/07)

Embarrassing Costumes My Dad Wore on Trick-or-Treat Night
By Nathan Thornton (10/31/07)

Dr. Caligari's Storage Areas
By Cody Shaffer (10/31/07)

Things That Will Destroy My Heterosexual Marriage Long Before Gay Marriage Ever Will
By Nick Sustana (10/25/07)

Popular Song Titles Had They Been Written by Richard Wagner
By Josh Knisely (10/25/07)

Spinoffs of Dancing With the Stars for the Common Man
By Maggie Utgoff (10/25/07)

Possible Titles for Kanye West's Next Album
By Kris Giuliani (10/18/07)

Bad News Bears
By Oriana Schwartzentruber (10/18/07)

Exotic Blitzes
By Daniel Leahy (10/18/07)

Horror Movies for Kids
By Ian Carey (10/11/07)

Adjectives Rejected in Favor of "Kafkaesque"
By Ryan Nyburg (10/11/07)

The Songs of Lenin and McCarthy
By Jimmy Chen (10/11/07)

Progressive-Rock Fans Are Terrible Trash-Talkers
By Wayne Gladstone (10/4/07)

Possible Titles for My Autobiography
By Helene Hertzlinger (10/4/07)

Unpopular Poetry Anthologies by Unpopular Poets
By Eric Kocher (10/4/07)

Common Illnesses at the Vatican
By Elvis Dingeldein (9/27/07)

Hastily Penned Books Written by High-Profile Authors in Response to a Public Disgrace
By Joshua Shreve (9/27/07)

Two Lists of Complaints
By Stuart Zehner (9/27/07)

Iraq-War Clichés or New Euphemisms for Taking a Crap?
By Kevin Griffith (9/19/07)

Selected Reading Materials From the Waiting Room of Albert Camus, D.D.S.
By Adam Shalvey (9/19/07)

Expressions for Vegans
By Michael Armstrong (9/19/07)

My Film-Summary Exercises From Screenwriting Class (as Edited by My Pregnant Wife)
By Wayne Gladstone and Louisa Bonnanzio (8/30/07)

Thirty Illnesses, Sorted According to Whether or Not You Can Eat the Victims
By Maryam Akbari and Sean Michaels (8/30/07)

Titles of Cinema Classics That Would Be Bad Titles for Pornographic Films
By Matthew Sewell (8/30/07)

Vacation Slogans for Lower-Tier Towns
By James Brink and Audrey Ngo-Lee (8/22/07)

Phrases Commonly Used by 1950s Housewives That Were Often Misinterpreted by the Housewives' Husbands as Blatant Requests for Sex
By Whitney Collins (8/22/07)

Ways I've Let Down Popular Musicians
By John Moe (8/22/07)

Grimm Fairy Tales Made Decidedly More Grim
By Jonathan Shipley (8/9/07)

Things Said by the Presenter of a Seminar on the Future of Color in Printing
By Susan Morton (8/9/07)

Possible Catch Phrases for the Ending of a TV Show Called Guantánamo Five-O
By Charlie Hopper (8/9/07)

Freudian Notes My Hasty Doctor Wrote in My Medical Chart
By Amanda Murphy (8/3/07)

Less Successful Heavy-Metal Wedding Tribute Bands
By Brian Shields (8/3/07)

Who Said It: Vice President Dick Cheney or Phil Leotardo From The Sopranos?
By Benjamin Freed (8/3/07)

Things I Have Learned From Ex-Boyfriends
By Megan Robin (7/26/07)

Past and Future Magazine Titles That Map Our Intellectual Decline
By Andrew dePasquale (7/26/07)

Alternate Fairy-Tale Endings to Take the Place of "And they lived happily ever after"
By Sabrina Abbott (7/26/07)

Things I Was Thinking in Hot Topic After My 3-Year-Old Daughter and I Were Greeted by a Very Provocatively Dressed Salesgirl
By Wayne Gladstone (7/19/07)

Lies Printed on My Waffle Iron
By Annie Mackey (7/19/07)

Two Things That Aren't Covered by Your Friend With Benefits
By Matthew Simmons (7/19/07)

My Father's Harper's Index
By Dan Kennedy (7/12/07)

Titles From Dr. Seuss's Brief Foray Into Realism
By Jonathan Baude and J. Alex Boyd (7/12/07)

Four Simple Steps to Becoming More Decisive
By Andrew R. Juhl (7/12/07)

Actual Instructions for "Demolition to Prevent Enemy Use [of Slide Projectors]," From the U.S. War Department, 1943
By Jamba Dunn (6/29/07)

Signs of Impending Suicide That Hemingway's Friends May Have Overlooked
By Mark Wilcoxson (6/29/07)

The Year After the Year of Living Dangerously
By Jennifer Gorman (6/29/07)

Less-Imposing Russian Rulers
By Scott Shemo (6/22/07)

Other Cereals From the Makers of Kashi's "Good Friends"
By David Wolinsky (6/22/07)

Ways in Which the Hunter Might Become the Hunted
By Matt Suddain (6/22/07)

No. 60: Improvisation / Improv / Impro—Good Improv-Group Names
From Comedy by the Numbers by Eric Hoffman and Gary Rudoren (6/15/07)

No. 82: Movie Spoofs—Sample Dialogue (Nonporn Category)
From Comedy by the Numbers by Eric Hoffman and Gary Rudoren (6/14/07)

No. 86: Novelty Items—Some Novelty Items That Never Caught On
From Comedy by the Numbers by Eric Hoffman and Gary Rudoren (6/13/07)

No. 117: Scare Comedy—Dos and Don'ts
From Comedy by the Numbers by Eric Hoffman and Gary Rudoren (6/12/07)

Ron Jeremy's Filmography If He Had Played the Banjo Instead of Having Anal Sex
By William Volk (6/8/07)

FAQ for Dogs
By Neahmiah Scudder (6/8/07)

Unlikely Disasters
By Gabe Koplowitz (6/8/07)

Cultural Instances Other Than Bob Dylan's 1965 Newport Folk Festival Set When "Going Electric" Was Met With Considerable Public Outcry
By Marty Bregman (6/1/07)

Literary TV Programs Yet to Be Produced
By Christian Clarke (6/1/07)

Terms Generally Not Used by Pugilists
By Scott Evans (6/1/07)

My Nonprofit R&B Group's Set List
By B. Davin Stengel (5/25/07)

Jenny's Alternate Numbers
By Gretchen VanWormer (5/25/07)

Phrases in My Apartment Listing on Craigslist That Most Likely Hurt My Chances of Finding a Renter
By Cal Newport (5/25/07)

The White House's Conditions Under Which Harriet Miers and Karl Rove Will Testify Before Congress
By Matthew Belinkie (5/18/07)

I'm Reasonably Confident I Would Beat Ken Jennings in These Jeopardy! Categories
By Owen Morris (5/18/07)

Haiku a Bitter Duck Might Write
By Jay Silverman (5/18/07)

Thomas Hobbes's "State of Nature" Adjectives That Befit My Hangover
By Julieanne Smolinski (5/11/07)

Titles of Songs From Pet Sounds, Translated In and Out of Japanese by Google Translate
By Daniel Byndas (5/11/07)

Ways to Tell a Coral Snake From a Milk Snake
By Byron Boneparth (5/4/07)

What Does Your Name Say About You?
By Felix Kent (5/4/07)

Mundane Dreams
By Jessy Randall and Daniel M. Shapiro (5/4/07)

The Names of Snow White's Seven Dwarfs After Being Prescribed Paxil, Ritalin, Prozac, Lithium, Provigil, and Benadryl
By Jeffrey Greenstein (4/25/07)

What People Said Tornadoes Sounded Like Before the Invention of the Freight Train (in Reverse Chronological Order)
By L.T. Chong (4/25/07)

If the Beatles Were Born Today
By Francis Doehner (4/25/07)

Zen Parable or Just Someone Being Cruel?
By Damian Haas (4/20/07)

Other Options Available on the New Poetry SUV
By Brett Ortler (4/20/07)

Words I See When I Read the Phrase "Intelligent Design" While Squinting
By David Ng (4/11/07)

We Have Ways to Make You Talk
By Ralph Gamelli (4/11/07)

Alternate Titles to Barack Obama's Book The Audacity of Hope If It Had Been Written by President Bush
By David Perkins (4/11/07)

An Oversimplified List of Options in Iraq
By David Cassel (4/6/07)

Failed Ben & Jerry's Flavors
By John McMurtrie (4/6/07)

Probable Future Names of Hershey's Candies, Following the Progression of Kisses to Hugs
By Daniel Nass, Daniel Peach, and Robby McInnes (4/6/07)

The Plot of an Adult Film, Ford F-Series, Told Chronologically Through Car Model Names
By Jeff Russell (3/23/07)

What I Think the Illegible Gang Graffiti That Was Spray-Painted Onto My Apartment Building Actually Says
By Robyn Nisi (3/23/07)

Locations on My Person Where It Is Possible to Hide a Machete, According to the TSA Employee Who Patted Me Down at Flint Bishop Airport, in Flint, Michigan
By Kelly Parker (3/23/07)

Reasons for Believing We Are, in Fact, No Longer in Kansas
By Will Niver (3/16/07)

Topics of Conversation at My Cousin's House on Any Given Holiday
By Jason Rohrbacker (3/16/07)

Possible Titles for Future Sue Grafton Novels After She Runs Out of Letters
By Chris Steck (3/16/07)

Snow White and the Seven Goths
By Pauline Brown, Paul Dobson, Lillian Crombie, and Paul Zinkel (3/9/07)

Essay Titles Crafted to Compensate for My Mediocre Writing Abilities
By Carrie Shemanski (3/9/07)

Clint Eastwood Film or Gay Porn?
By Joe John (3/9/07)

Actual Titles of Victorian Periodicals
By Janice Arnott (3/2/07)

Musical Numbers From Fight Club! The Musical
By Michael Schulman and Allysha Powanda (3/2/07)

Words Never Used in the Titles of Remotely Good Films
By Patrick Cassels (3/2/07)

Long-Awaited Sequels to Aeschylus's Prometheus Bound
By Eric Feezell (2/22/07)

New Types of Whisperers Unlikely to Gain a Mainstream Following
By Jennifer Byrne (2/22/07)

I Can't Remember What It's Called When You Mix Up the Letters in a Word to Form a New Word
By Dan Kennedy (2/22/07)

Mildly Disturbing Greeting-Card Messages
By Cal Newport (2/16/07)

What My Father Said About Thanksgiving, What I Thought, and What He Meant
By Allie Oestreich (2/16/07)

Things I Desperately Wish Women Would Say to Me on First Dates
By Mike Drucker (2/16/07)

Band Names Rejected by the Smashing Pumpkins
By Ryan Vaughan (2/8/07)

Opening Sentences to A Tale of Two Cities Rejected by Dickens Before He Settled on "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ..."
By John Andreini (2/8/07)

Subjects of Pictures That Accurately Represent College Life, According to CollegeHumor.com's Tags on Recently Submitted Pictures
By Katie Cooper (2/8/07)

Considered but Discarded Names for the Indie Band Someone Still Loves You, Boris Yeltsin
By John Flowers (2/2/07)

The Only "Cute Couple" Halloween Costumes My Boyfriend and I Will Be Able to Use in Our Lifetimes, Because I Am 5'2" and He Is 6'7"
By Susan Howson (2/2/07)

Reason for Celebrating Every Major Holiday With the In-laws, According to My Mother-in-Law
By CG Leddy (2/2/07)

Alternate Titles for House of Flying Daggers
By Zachary Bloom (1/25/07)

The Meatball Studies Major: Suggested Courses
By Nick Leggin (1/25/07)

What Members of an Increasingly Petulant Host Family Say to Foreign-Exchange Student Maloka Bibihou
By Andrew Kiraly (1/25/07)

Things That Get Way More Fun When You Add a "G" to Them
By Brian Case (1/19/07)

Things an Overbearing Mother Might Say to a Son Just Waking From a Coma
By Mark Tuben (1/19/07)

Books Written by Kurt Vonnegut While Hungry
By Jeffrey Lang-Weir (1/19/07)

Suggestions for a Proposed National Code of Health Emoticons and Abbreviations for Instant Messenger
By Kathy Salerno (1/11/07)

Possible Titles for the Oscar-Winning "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" If Three 6 Mafia Had Been More Introspective
By James Miller (1/11/07)

Possible Titles for To Kill a Mockingbird If It Had Been Based on What My Mother Said Was Sinful
By Erin Rooney Doland (1/11/07)

Other Long-Standing Feuds I'd Like to See Explored in a Commercial à la "Hi, I'm a Mac" ... "And I'm a PC"
By Jesse Benjamin (12/21/06)

Character From a Thomas Pynchon Novel or Someone Who Recently Sent Me Spam?
By Matt Barnhart (12/21/06)

Comments on My Short Story I've Received From My Creative-Writing Classmates
By Robert Hinderliter (12/21/06)

Comments and Questions in My Greek History Discussion Section on Spartan Society
By Alexandra Marraccini (12/15/06)

Variants of Walking, As Defined by the United States Department of Agriculture
By Ben Rosengart (12/15/06)

Foolproof Dinner Party Icebreakers
By Russell Zerbo (12/15/06)

Nicknames for Yakima: Central Washington's Crystal Methamphetamine Capital
By Andrew Mudd (12/6/06)

Things My Father Has Said to Me in Crowded Restaurants
By Erica Korey (12/6/06)

Vegetarian Alternatives to Bowling
By Christopher Harris and John Painting (12/6/06)

Poorly Named Game Shows of the Middle Ages
By Matt Osten (12/1/06)

Cities From Italo Calvino's Invisible Cities or Unique Baby Names From BabyNameWorld.com?
By Greg Santos (12/1/06)

Nuclear Plant or Retirement Community?
By Josh Fischel (12/1/06)

Alternate Titles for O.J. Simpson's New Book
By Jeff Drake, Wendy Molyneux, John Robertson, and Ann Slichter (11/20/06)

Classic Titles We Tried to Turn Into Fake Titles for O.J.'s New Book That Turned Out to Sound Too Much Like Real Titles for O.J.'s New Book
By Jeff Drake, Wendy Molyneux, John Robertson, and Ann Slichter (11/20/06)

Potential Nicknames for the Star Player on My Son's Soccer Team
By Wendi Aarons (11/20/06)

Reasons Selected Relationships With Women Have Failed, in Autobiographical Order, From Fifth Grade to Present
By Scott Downes (11/16/06)

Acceptable Written Forms for the Bullwhip Sound Effect
By Adam Koford (11/16/06)

Other Tobacco Mascots That Met With Disapproval From the American Medical Association
By Eric Feezell (11/16/06)

Phrases on the Marquee at the Local Strip Club to Cater to a More Literate Crowd
By Jonathan Shipley (11/8/06)

Twist Endings
By Geoff Haggerty (11/8/06)

Jokes Made by Robots, for Robots
By J. Alex Boyd (11/8/06)

Prescription Drug or Metal Band?
By Eryk Salvaggio (11/1/06)

Self-Help Books for Hipsters
By Jennifer Dziura (11/1/06)

Reasons I Disagree With the Premise of the Song "A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes"
By Chris Hughes (10/27/06)

Taboos Never Mentioned at Meetings of the Jane Austen Society
By Chuck Strangward (10/27/06)

Daydreams I've Had About a Giant Hand and One About a Man With an Elongated Arm
By Anthony Messina (10/20/06)

Titles Still Available for Taut, Fast-Paced Legal Thrillers
By Lars Ostrom (10/20/06)

Rejected Names for Nerds Candy
By Hannah Schaefer (10/20/06)

Creationist Astronomers Polled Regarding Pluto's Status
By David Harnden-Warwick (10/12/06)

Jewish Holidays for Hipsters
By Michael Schulman (10/12/06)

Wikipedia Articles Longer Than "Spain"
By Thomas Beckwith and James Hannaway (10/12/06)

Probable Sequels to Breakin' (1984) and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984)
By Whitey Eckerson (10/6/06)

The Endings of 10 Famous Novels You Always Meant to Read but Never Got Around To
By Salom Teshale (10/6/06)

They Might Be Giants, They Might Not—Who Knows?
By Jeffery S. Taylor (10/6/06)

What Critics and Writers Are Saying About My New Book of Poetry, The Doberman Plot
By Sebastian Bitticks (9/28/06)

Horror Movie Titles on a Three-Letter Budget (and Subsequent Blurbs)
By Kirk Nelson (9/28/06)

Poets‚ Pet Names for Their Privates
By Adam Wasson (9/28/06)

Things You and the Cap'n Can Make Happen
By Sara Afshar (9/21/06)

St. James Parish Sewing Club Members Whose First Names Sound Like Programming Languages
By Nick Leggin (9/21/06)

Businesses That Failed to Duplicate the Success of "I Can't Believe It's Yogurt"
By Stephen Thompson (9/21/06)

HAL's Comments While Trapped on a Desert Island, and Your Name Is Dave
By Joyce Hughes and Miranda Burgess (9/15/06)

Characters From the G.I. Joe Civil War Collection
By Keith Staskiewicz (9/15/06)

Better Names for Rhode Island
By Dennis Jordan (9/15/06)

World Leader Fonts
By Michael Meilan (9/7/06)

For the Coming Post-Chocolate-Milk Paradigm: Other Drinks That Can Be Made by Just Adding Chocolate Syrup
By Matthew Webster (9/7/06)

Ikea Product or Lord of the Rings Character?
By Caley Feldman (9/7/06)

Suggested New Names for "Curry in a Hurry" After Last Saturday's Dining Experience
By Ryan Paxton (8/30/06)

Physical Characteristics I Wished My Boyfriend Possessed During Last Night's Power Outage
By Kristie McClanahan (8/30/06)

Original Title Suggestions by J.D. Salinger's Publisher That Could Have Been Deleterious to the Success of His Magnum Opus
By Eric Feezell (8/30/06)

Biblical Horror Movies
By Jonathan Shipley (8/25/06)

Lesser-Known Joe Jacksons
By Eli Musser (8/25/06)

Ways in Which Spider-Man Does Not "Do Whatever a Spider Can"
By Jon Mitchell (8/17/06)

Toddler T-Shirt Slogans
By Darryl Berger (8/17/06)

Chapter Titles for Rachel Carson's 1962 Book Silent Spring That Were Rejected for Being Too Alarmist
By Caredwen Foley (8/17/06)

Philip K. Dick's Lost Submissions to Better Homes and Gardens
By Matthew Hunziker (8/9/06)

Small Businesses Poorly Named After Classic Literature
By M. Trevor Higgins (8/9/06)

Alternatives, Should You Not Like Piña Coladas and Getting Caught in the Rain
By Leighton Stevenson (8/9/06)

Upcoming Amazing Stunts by Magician David Blaine
By Jonathan Shipley (8/4/06)

Some of Dan Brown's Works in Progress
By Vince LiCata (8/4/06)

What the "It" Refers to in Gatorade's "Is It in You?" Campaign
By Stan W. Kost (8/4/06)

Strange Compliments I've Received Because I'm Not Very Attractive
By Kate Sullivan (7/27/06)

Five Things Rick Astley Is Never Gonna Do
By Travis Nicholson (7/27/06)

If Shakespeare Had Sold His Plays to Major League Baseball Instead of to the King's Men
By Ryan Smith (7/27/06)

Failed NASA Space Programs
By Jonathan Shipley (7/19/06)

Shows I Pitched VH1
By Brian Beatty (7/19/06)

Groups Shocked at the Revelation That Judas May Have Been Jesus' Most Loyal Disciple
By James Yeh (7/19/06)

Some Entirely Realistic Suggestions Following the Failures of the Quixotic "War on Drugs" and "War on Terror"
By James Murray and Andrew Meek (7/13/06)

Bullet Points Written on a Conference Room Easel, Left Over From a Meeting at Which I Wish I Had Been Present
By Ryan Hebert (7/13/06)

Lost Causes
By Ashley Farmer (7/13/06)

Board Games Inspired by the Bush Administration
By Eric Feezell (7/6/06)

Hoover Dam Fast-Fact Pamphlet If Hoover Dam Were a Scale Model Made of Legos
By Orr Goehring (7/6/06)

Actual Month-by-Month Headlines From the Past Year of the Gmail Sidebar Advertisements That Google Determined Were Relevant to My Life by Matching Them to Keywords in My E-Mails
By William Callahan (7/6/06)

Avian Maladies Commonly Misdiagnosed as Bird Flu
By Curt Lund (6/20/06)

Transformers No One Bought
By Henry S. Kivett (6/20/06)

Disneyland Rides If Disney Were Bought Out by the Campbell Soup Company
By Jonathan Shipley (6/20/06)

Plot Synopses for Episodes of a Gilligan's Island Remake Starring Members of the Bush Administration
By Peter Norvig (6/15/06)

That's So Raven
By Martin Bell (6/15/06)

People Who Know My Sins
By Bob Evans (6/15/06)

If Anchorage, Alaska, Had Been Named by Someone Less Upbeat About Life at Sea
By Mike Richardson-Bryan (6/7/06)

Apparent Passions of My Upstairs Neighbors
By Glenn Lingle (6/7/06)

Oscar Picks for Best Actor, 2025
By Haden Polseno-Hensley (6/7/06)

Roller-Derby Pseudonyms for Literature Majors
By J. Steven Davis and Katherine J. Hannon (6/1/06)

What People Were Saying About Me at the Party I Had to Miss Because I Was on a Flight Home From Chicago
By Shauna McKenna (6/1/06)

Comeback T-Shirts for "I'm With Stupid" T-Shirts
By Marc Tyler Nobleman (6/1/06)

Reasons Not to Fear the Reaper
By Richie Kulchar (5/24/06)

Possible Marketing Gimmicks That Took the NBA From "Earn 3 A's and Get FREE Tickets" to "Guns for Tickets" in Only 20 Years
By Katie Sweeney (5/24/06)

Mobile-Phone Models That Improve Upon the RAZR, SLVR, and PEBL
By Katherine Thompson and Jeremy Todd (5/24/06)

Where I Would Look for Hungry, Hungry Hippos
By Andrew Hoyt (5/18/06)

Prior Miles Davis Albums
By Mark J. Hansen (5/18/06)

Rejected Marketing Slogans for National Poetry Month
By Emily Lloyd (5/18/06)

Popular Musicians If England Had Won the Revolutionary War
By S.F. Purschwitz (5/15/06)

Habits That Are Harder to Break Than Peter Cetera's Ex-Girlfriend
By Douglas Edwards (5/11/06)

Good Advice From a Grand Theft Auto Dating FAQ
By David Abrams (5/11/06)

Signs That America May Be Having a Love Affair With the Automobile
By Darren Addy (5/11/06)

Possible Names for a Child Conceived by an Almond Fanatic and a Lover of the Movie Young Guns
By Eric Feezell (5/5/06)

Unpublished Sequels to Famous Science-Fiction Novels
By Steve Rushmore (5/5/06)

Song Ideas for My Next Album
By Brian Geary (5/5/06)

Complete List of Creatures in a Land Called Honah Lee
By David Litt (4/26/06)

Unfortunate Ballpark Promotions
By Chris Steck (4/26/06)

Diseases I'm Glad Aren't Sexually Transmitted
By Scott Domansky (4/26/06)

Inefficient Units of Currency
By Joseph Streckert (4/20/06)

What God Does in Her Spare Time
By Jamie Kilstein and Allison Kilkenny (4/20/06)

Rats' Asses Given
By Matthew Baldwin (4/20/06)

The Future of Paper Plates
By Mark R. Mandel (4/14/06)

Common Enemies of the Paperboy, According to the Nintendo Game of the Same Name
By Maggie Utgoff (4/14/06)

Common Phrases Not Written in My High-School Yearbook, for a Multitude of Reasons
By Colleen Doyle (4/14/06)

Titles of Songs I Could Credibly Write If I Became a Rap Star
By Greg Howard (4/7/06)

Medical Maladies Less Well Known Than Lou Gehrig's Disease That Are Also Named After Athletes
By Scott Putnicki (4/7/06)

Sleeper Asbestos-Containing Products the Discovery of Whose Fatal Fiber Emissions Would Trigger Mass Panic
By Laura Mellis (3/24/06)

Natural Rock Features Named by an Overwrought Mother Hired by the National Park Service
By John Strodtman (3/24/06)

Frank McCourt's American History Class: Course Syllabus
By Derrick Martin (3/24/06)

Perks No Longer Allowed to Congress Under the New Proposed Ethics Code
By Thomas Hynes (3/20/06)

Reasons I Stand by My Decision to Pick Seton Hall to Make the Final Four of the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament Despite Their 20-Point Loss to Wichita State in the First Round
By Chris Song (3/20/06)

Other Names Sting Could Go By, as Suggested by My Thesaurus
By Collin Joyce (3/20/06)

Hit Songs of the 1970s and '80s If the South Had Won the Civil War
By Matt Vella (3/15/06)

Possible Reasons My Short Stories Are So Poorly Reviewed by the Other Members of My Writers' Workshop
By Jared Young (3/15/06)

Linebackers Who Are Twice as Good as Mike Singletary
By Chris Morgan (3/15/06)

Things I Might Be Convinced to Give My Left Arm For
By Gibson Holub (3/8/06)

Reasons the Little Teapot Was Picked On in High School
By Taylor Dearr (3/8/06)

Things I Could Have Said When the Strap on My Israeli Paratrooper Bag Broke If I'd Known the Outcome of Whichever War It Was Used In
By Greg Boose (3/8/06)

Sample Emoticons for e-Kicking Someone in the e-Balls
By Barbara DeCesare (3/6/06)

What the People Who Used to Live in My House Apparently Said to Each Other Before Selling It to Me
By Jessy Randall (3/3/06)

Victoria's Secret
By Megan Amram (3/3/06)

Things That Are Beyond the Pale
By Matthew Warren (3/3/06)

Other Signs Held Up by Olympic Moguls Skier Toby Dawson's Mom Besides "GOOD LUCK, TOBY DAWSON!"
By Andy Hobin (3/3/06)

Smart Sequels and Spinoffs That Failed With the 18-to-34-Year-Old Demographic
By Iva-Marie Palmer (2/23/06)

A Gay Cowboy's Top 10 Movies of 2005
By Patrick T. Hewlett (2/23/06)

Possible Titles for an Actual A&E Network Documentary on a Murder Case in Battle Creek, Michigan
By Andrew Milner (2/23/06)

Selected Entries From the Index to the Owner's Handbook of the 2000 Saturn S-Series Sedan
By Matthew W. Grieco (2/16/06)

Upcoming Jean-Claude Van Damme Film Titles That Show a Lack of Imagination on the Part of the Director and Screenwriters
By Trevor Seigler (2/16/06)

Anticipated Sequels to the Children's Book Everyone Poops
By Melanie Minzes (2/16/06)

Nonviolent Westerns
By Theodore Koutz (2/10/06)

Hot New Color Trends for 2006
By Beth Edwards (2/10/06)

Activities That Might Prove More Practical Than Cleaning My Gas Mask Once a Month as the Army Suggests
By John McRae (2/10/06)

Terrifying Bioengineered Animal-Snack Hybrids Not Mentioned as Potential Threats During the State of the Union Address
By Matthew Brehm and Brian Leatherman (2/3/06)

Last Night's Top Five Alphabet-Soup Spoonfuls
By Jason Ratliff (2/3/06)

Unlikely World War II Fighter Squadron Names
By Ken Feinleib (2/3/06)

Brian Wilson's First Five Suggestions for the Name of the Album That Would Be Called Pet Sounds
By Timmy Waldron (2/3/06)

Responses to People on the 6 Train That Hopefully Convey My Feelings in a Polite Way
By Leighton Davis (2/1/06)

Secret Canadian Superweapons in Development
By Wynn Quon (2/1/06)

Less Powerful Industry Lobbying Groups
By Todd Rovak (2/1/06)

What the Corinthians Wrote Back to the Apostle Paul
By Andrew Milner (1/26/06)

Names for Your Transgendered Baby
By Carmen Nobel (1/26/06)

Things You Can Do If You Love Jesus Other Than Honk
By Jen Goodhue (1/24/06)

What You Gon' Do With All That Junk Inside That Trunk?
By Lucas Cox (1/20/06)

Geometric Relationships More Realistic Than the Love Triangle
By Jez Burrows (1/20/06)

Twelve Phrases Involving Al Roker That Return Only One Hit on Google
By Matthew Stidle (1/20/06)

If Poets Named Breakfast Cereals
By Josh Michtom (1/17/06)

Places Where I Can Find a Woman Like Jesse's Girl, Years Later
By Dan Reed (1/17/06)

"Love" Songs Replaced With Danny Glover
By Donaville Herrick (1/17/06)

Unpleasant Questions to Be Asked at the End of a Meal
By Jacque Lynn Schiller (1/13/06)

Dr. Phil's Inventions
By Scott Smith (1/13/06)

Words and Phrases I Hope Never Appear in Front of My Name in Print
By Michael Ward (1/13/06)

Things My Girlfriend Did Not Say After I Told Her That I Sometimes Feel Stuck
By Adam Iverson (1/6/06)

Affirmations Google Should Consider Putting on Its Search Button Other Than "I'm Feeling Lucky"
By Angela Genusa (1/6/06)

New Year's Resolutions
By Teddy Wayne and Greg Wayne (1/6/06)

Advice You'll Never Get From OnStar
By Lynnell Edwards (1/4/06)

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places
By Maya Rudolph (1/4/06)

Scary Moments in Human/Robot Relations in Nonchronological Order
By Geoff Haggerty (1/4/06)

Places to Which Eddie Murphy's Character in Coming to America Would Want to Move If, Instead of a Queen, He Wanted to Find a Prostitute
By Neal Dusedau (12/23/05)

Most Popular Hobbies in Ancient Rome as Portrayed in HBO's Rome
By Keith McIntire (12/23/05)

Possible First Names for Count Chocula
By Adam Selzer (12/23/05)

Things I Thought About Telling My Husband I Was Thinking About When He Asked What I Was Thinking About While I Was Actually Thinking About Having Babies
By Meg Freebern (12/14/05)

Questions You Should Ask Someone Who Calls in a Bomb Threat, According to the "Life Safety Manual" at My Office Building in Chicago
By Mike Aparicio (12/14/05)

Amended Tag Lines for Arby's
By Dan Kennedy (12/14/05)

Milton Bradley's Secret Invasion Orders for the Attack on Boston Harbor
By Todd Rovak (12/9/05)

Selected Comments From a British Web Discussion Forum Entitled "Protecting Your Home From Criminals—How Far Would You Go?"
By Owain Brimfield (12/9/05)

Ideas for Creating American Jobs That Are Better Than the 735,000 Jobs Promised If Drilling Is Allowed in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge
By G.C. Aitch (12/9/05)

Socially Awkward Situations During Which It Would Be Acceptable to Mess With Texas
By Benjamin Sumlin (12/2/05)

Working Titles for a Movie About an Openly Gay Quarterback Who Leads His Team to the Super Bowl After Being Thrust Into Action Midseason When the Regular Starter Went Down
By Amir Farhang (12/2/05)

Intimidating but Rejected Sports-Team Names
By Richard Long (11/18/05)

Bruce Springsteen Songs, If the Title More Accurately Reflected the Subject Matter
By Matthew Turk (11/18/05)

Movies That Won't Be Shown on the Lifetime Network
By Shyra Latiolais (11/18/05)

Forthcoming Books in the Increasingly Mature Harry Potter Series
By Colleen Doyle (11/11/05)

If Beasts Were Breasts in the Bookstore
By Mark Peters (11/11/05)

Some Additional Polar Ambulations
By Matt Wyatt (11/11/05)

Least Reputable Charities
By Lucas Cox (11/4/05)

Great Books of the 20th Century, as Reviewed by My Boss
By Nathan Thornton (11/4/05)

Reasons Bloggers Hate the Mainstream Media
By William Wolfe (11/4/05)

Comments From the Crowd Gathering Around the Body of Phidippides, Reporter of the Greek Victory Over the Persians at Marathon, Soon After He Gasped, "We Won," and Died
By Brian Hubbard (10/28/05)

What I Like About You
By James Muldowney (10/28/05)

Rejected Bond Girls
By Rebecca Waits (10/28/05)

My Rejected Cooking Show Ideas
By Dan Kennedy (10/21/05)

Leonard Cohen's Seven Immutable Laws of Business
By Ken Krimstein (10/21/05)

Other Places Jimmy Buffett Wasted Away
By Chris Steck (10/14/05)

Subjects of "Light Bulb" Jokes That Will Probably Lead to Boring Punch Lines
By Peter J. Woods (10/14/05)

Five Ill-Fated Store Names
By V. Einstein (10/14/05)

The Names of the President and the Members of the Presidential Cabinet According to the Etymological Backgrounds of Their First and Last Names, and of Their Middle Names When Available
By Jørgen G. Cleemann (10/12/05)

If Yosemite Sam's Curses Were Considered Real Profanity and Were Dubbed Over for Television in the Same Clumsy, Unconvincing Manner as 1980s R-Rated Movies
By Martin Bell (10/7/05)

Ways in Which the Disinterred Corpse of Silent-Film Actor Lon Chaney Would Be a Better Vice President Than Dick Cheney
By Ian Adams (10/7/05)

As Yet Unrecognized by Microsoft Windows
By Adam Chapman (10/5/05)

Fruit-Drink Flavors That Never Took Off
By Ben Weinberg (10/5/05)

Things You Would Say If You Had a Time Machine and Lots of Financial Problems
By Lynette Cain (9/30/05)

State Songs, If They All Suggested the Apathy of Idaho's "Here We Have Idaho"
By Craig Robertson (9/30/05)

Ed Harrelson, Teen-Driver's-Education Instructor
By Sean Carman (9/30/05)

7 Habits of Highly Successful People
By Brendon Lloyd (9/23/05)

Stories About My Puma
By Meg Favreau (9/23/05)

Companies at the Vanguard of the New Era in Christian Marketing
By Ned Rust (9/23/05)

What Thoreau Is Missing
By Shannon Peach (9/16/05)

I Can Never Recall the Name of Brooklyn's New Hip Band
By Dan Kennedy (9/16/05)

Methods Other Than Song by Which One Can Be Killed Softly
By Jonathan Holley and Emily Lawton (9/16/05)

Modern Air-Guitar Alternatives
By Steve McKnight (9/9/05)

Excerpts From the "Band Members Wanted" Section of the New York Musicians' Exchange (Circa 1987)
By John Dadey (9/9/05)

Poker Terminology I Feel I Could Get Away With Saying If I Ever Played a Tournament
By Andy Sutherland (9/9/05)

Things Hagrid the Half-Giant Would Say If He Served Jesus Instead of Harry Potter
By Hart Seely (9/6/05)

Not-So-Good Names for Murder Mysteries
By Kevin Thoreson (9/2/05)

Places You Might Find Jesus
By Jessy Henderson (9/2/05)

Directors' Commentaries From My DVD Collection
By John Mancini (9/2/05)

Totalitarian Institutions That Would Have Been More Fitting for George Orwell's 1984, Considering How That Year Turned Out
By Patrick Cassels (8/26/05)

Chapter Titles From My Creationist Textbook
By David Ng (8/26/05)

Klingon Fairy Tales
By Mike Richardson-Bryan (8/22/05)

Things Koala Bears Would Say
By Tim Weinmann (8/19/05)

Other Poll Questions That May One Day Appear on an Unnamed Internet News Website, Given Its Recently Asked Question "Have You Ever Been in an Accident Involving a Plane?" Following the Air France Crash
By Tracey Harrington and Meredith O'Donnell (8/19/05)

Poorly Selling T-Shirts
By Josh Knisely (8/19/05)

Elements Waiting Patiently for Inclusion on the Periodic Table
By Scott Gold and Katie McHugh (8/17/05)

Ways One Could, in Theory, Fight the Seether
By Stephen Walsh (8/17/05)

Nonverbal Cues in Bizarro's World
By Ted Sanchez (8/17/05)

Things My Brother Has That I Don't
By Scott Evan Newcomb (8/12/05)

Ten Precepts From The Art of War That Never Made It Past Sun Tzu's Editor
By John Kearney (8/12/05)

Acts Prohibited by the U.S. House of Representatives' Proposed Flag-Burning Amendment
By James Erwin (8/10/05)

Less-Threatening Islamist Groups
By Chris Wilkinson (8/10/05)

Seven Band Names That Would Be Impossible to Book
By Mike Hampton (8/10/05)

Lesser-Known Movie Prequels
By Sarah Garb (8/5/05)

The Stages of All My Romantic Relationships as Described by Hall and Oates Song Titles
By Anthony Rosato (8/5/05)

Obscenities Uttered by Jesus Christ
By Cara Jennison and Andrew Sutherland (8/3/05)

Things My Boss Said to Me Without Elaborating
By Isaiah Dufort (7/22/05)

Special-Interest Bike Shops
By Marin Aldrich (7/22/05)

Admirable Activities for Suburban Residents That Sound Wholly Unremarkable When Performed by Superheroes
By Tim Vanderburg (7/22/05)

Twelve Sequels to Dances With Wolves That, Due to Monetary Constraints, Were Never Produced
By Eric Feezell (7/15/05)

Other Things the Road to Hell Is Paved With
By Angela Genusa (7/15/05)

Things This One Girl Sitting Near Me in a Movie Theater Said Out Loud When One of the Characters Was Shown Pulling Into a Gas Station
By Conley Wouters (7/15/05)

Rides From the Amusement Park of My Collective Memory
By Mark Alexandre Fortin (7/12/05)

Things Pandora Could Have Opened That Wouldn't Have Produced Such Unpleasant Results
By Devin McGinty (7/12/05)

Unhelpful Clues Given by Jan-Michael Vincent During an October 1983 Taping of The New $25,000 Pyramid Where the Category to Be Guessed Was "Things You Do at a Party"
By Aaron Starmer (7/11/05)

My Personal Mottoes
By Brian Beatty (7/7/05)

What to Think About When Two "Grown Adults" Come and Complain to You About How They Cannot Get Along With Each Other at Work
By Dave Best (7/7/05)

Things My Family Prefers Over Gay Marriage
By Will Bilyeu (7/7/05)

Authorial Candy Bars, With Their Respective Tag Lines, That Weren't as Successful as the Oh Henry! Candy Bar
By Jonathan Shipley (6/29/05)

Christmas Presents I Would Consider Giving Mr. Belvedere Were He My Personal Manservant
By CT Kelley (6/29/05)

The Mall's Banana Republics for the New Millennium
By Kate Hahn (6/24/05)

The Extended Family of Thespian Rip Torn
By Patrick Cassels (6/24/05)

Future Winners of the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest
By Roy Futterman (6/24/05)

The Most Beautiful Men in the World
By Runjit Chandra (6/21/05)

Things Not Overheard at a Conceptual-Art Gallery Opening
By Jason Persse (6/21/05)

Ad Slogans That Would Be Perfect for Levitra, But, Unfortunately, They Have Already Been Used
By Hart Seely (6/21/05)

Actual Examples of Model Conversational Phrases That the Travel Guide Les Etats-Unis Dans Votre Poche: Edition Bilingue (Haiter, 1980) Felt Were So Central to the Experiences Likely to be Undergone by French Visitors to America That It Included Them on Its Companion Study Cassette Tape
By Beth Maynard (6/15/05)

Half-Assed Erotic Film Classics
By Michael Rodman (6/15/05)

Things That, If Knowing Is Half the Battle, Might Be the Other Half
By Nico Vreeland (6/15/05)

Top Three Things Q*bert Is Pissed About Today
By Mike Singer (6/13/05)

Discarded Titles for Toni Braxton's 1996 Hit "Unbreak My Heart"
By Thomas Desmond (6/8/05)

How Other School Subjects Would Be Spelled by People Who Refer to the Three R's As "Reading, 'Riting, and 'Rithmetic"
By Rich Mehrenberg and Ceil Hoff (6/8/05)

Fish Names That Sound Like Unfortunate 7th-Graders
By Jeanne P. Fratello (6/3/05)

Boner: Noun, Informal, a Blunder or an Error
By Lucas Klauss (6/1/05)

Errors in Communication Between My Hairdresser and Me, in the Form of What I Said and What He Heard
By Jez Burrows (6/1/05)

How to Tell If Your Vegetarian Girlfriend Has Been Sneaking Meat
By Jennifer Neely (6/1/05)

Pickup Lines: The First Drafts
By Mark Vanderhoff (5/27/05)

Popular Singers Inspired by Fats Domino and Chubby Checker
By Dan Guterman (5/27/05)

Fun Facts About Chinese President Hu Jintao, as Conveyed by American Culture
By Michael Ward (5/27/05)

Upcoming and Much-Needed Thomas Frank Titles
By Kevin Shay (5/26/05)

Reasons I Don't Feel Like I'm Family When at the Olive Garden
By Matthew Rorem (5/20/05)

Things That Are Just Barely Thicker Than Peter Gallagher's Eyebrows
By Morgan Day Frank (5/20/05)

Pickup Lines Used by Mario
By Christopher Doody (5/20/05)

Embarrassing Things That Might Happen to You While Using a Lightsaber
By Patrick Cassels (5/18/05)

Ways in Which Free to Be You and Me Damaged My Future Relationships With Women
By Roy Futterman (5/17/05)

Folk Instruments or B-Movie Monsters Fought by Gamera?
By John Holowach, Jr. (5/17/05)

Soup Blurbs
By Travis Cloud (5/17/05)

Movies Russ Meyer Could Have Produced to Make a Government's Budget Process Appear More Exciting
By Matt Arnold (5/13/05)

Jobs Mickey Goldmill Got Fired From Before Becoming Rocky Balboa's Beloved Coach
By Jonathan Shipley (5/13/05)

Tools or Actions in Photoshop That, Were They Applicable to Real Life, Would Prove Useful at Various Stages of a Relationship
By Michael Lascarides (5/13/05)

Comments Overheard at a Brainstorming Meeting Between Ted Nugent and the Editors of Gourmet MagazineWhere They Were Discussing the Upcoming Book Gourmet Magazine's Vegan Cooking With Ted Nugent
By Aaron Starmer (5/11/05)

Things Heard During John Cage's Folsom Prison Performance of "4'33""
By Chris Monks, Jim Ruland, Matthew Simmons, Elizabeth Ellen, Melissa Bell, Aaron Burch, Jensen Whelan, Steve Seighman, and Pasha Malla (5/10/05)

Three Items at the Supermarket I See in a New Way, Now That I've Read Some Books on Literary Theory
By Matthew Simmons (5/10/05)

Song Titles, Before Editing for Language Efficiency and Clarity
By Jack Schneider, Moses Rifkin, and Paul Sacchetti (5/10/05)

Selections From the Beatles' Catalog, Had the Band Evolved Not Toward the Adoption of a More Experimental Sound in Its Later Years, but Into Rorqual Whales
By Eric March (5/6/05)

From the Prog Rock Ice Cream Shoppe: Flavors Inspired by a Certain Canadian Power Trio
By Matt Bull (5/6/05)

New Radiohead Material to Be Debuted at a Benefit Show to Protest Privatization of the Postal Sector
By Jez Burrows and Michael Jenkins (5/6/05)

Things I Cannot Say to My Unpaid Interns As It Would Make Me Look Like an Ungrateful Bitch
By Amy Adoyzie (5/3/05)

Things I Imagine My Boss Does When He Goes Home for the Night
By Nick Pyle (5/3/05)

Last Names Clearly Derived From Ancestral Professions
By Sam Means (5/3/05)

The Settings That Would Be On a Blender Today If the Blender Had Been Invented, Say, 100 Years Before Its Actual Invention Date of 1922
By Steve Schneider (5/2/05)

Good Casino Ads / Bad Things for Someone to Say About Your Mom
By Molly Dolan (4/29/05)

Reasons We Can't Have a Baby, Honey
By Geoff Smith (4/29/05)

Titles of Sermons to Which Congregants Might Actually Pay Attention
By Jason Kellett (4/29/05)

Translated Thoughts and Questions That Are Running Through a North Korean Refugee's Mind When He Is Awarded Political Asylum in the United States, Settles Down, Turns on the Television, and the First Thing He Sees Is a Fancy Feast Cat-Food Commercial
By David Aldridge (4/26/05)

Actual Ways I Have Been Flirted With That, in the Future, I Wish You Would Refrain From, With Explanations as to Why, and Suggestions for Alternative Methods
By Aimee Hennessy (4/22/05)

Things This City Was Built On, Besides Rock 'n' Roll
By Eric March (4/22/05)

Fortune-Cookie Sayings That Are Misleading and, At Times, Dangerous When Used as Road Signs
By Justin Kahn (4/22/05)

Kanye West's Lyric "The Way School Need Teachers / The Way Kathie Lee Needed Regis / That's the Way I Need Jesus," Adapted for Other Religions
By Martin Bell (4/20/05)

Reasons to Fear Canada
By Sean Carman (4/20/05)

The Next Thing Said After Select Famous Phrases
By Marc Tyler Nobleman (4/20/05)

Chapter Headings on the Directions for IRS Form 1040 That Will Become the Titles of Best-Selling Thrillers by John Grisham, C.P.A.
By Eric Silver (4/15/05)

Things You Will Still Be Able to Do After the Collapse of Society As We Know It, Provided Your Postapocalyptic Vision Aligns With Kevin Costner's
By Joseph Faison (4/15/05)

Sentences That, If Used by Judges in a Spelling Bee, Would Prove Totally Unhelpful to Contestants Attempting to Derive the Meaning of the Word
By Jack Schneider and Moses Rifkin (4/15/05)

Selected Passages From the Bible: The King (Fred) Phelps Version
By Owen Morris (4/15/05)

Things That Did Not Stay in Vegas
By Kevin Sampsell and Frayn Masters (4/8/05)

What I Learned Listening to AM Radio
By George Ford (4/8/05)

Live-Action Role-Playing Spells I Could Really Use, Right Now
By Daniel Manning (4/8/05)

What I Thought a Co-worker Meant When She Said "I Hope Things Don't Get Weird" After We Had Sex, and What She Really Meant, It Turns Out
By Chris Wallace (4/6/05)

Sex Is Like Pizza Because ...
By Mike Sacks and Ted Travelstead (4/6/05)

Bartlett's Familiar Quotations
By Martin Bell (4/6/05)

'80s Lineups That Read Like Tabloid Headlines
By Evany Thomas (4/5/05)

Jean-Claude Van Damme's Kickboxer, or the Belligerent Asshole Who Just Cost Me My Job at the Bar?
By Brett Burns (4/1/05)

Ten Very Hip Poems That Didn't Go Over So Well at the Poetry Slam Last Weekend
By Kevin Holiday (4/1/05)

Sure Signs Your Vegan Co-op Has Been Taken Over by the Marx Brothers
By Claire Harlan-Orsi (4/1/05)

Self-Delusional Statements Made by My First (And Hopefully Last) Ex-Fiancé
By Lynette Cain (3/30/05)

Unspoken Afterthoughts to Childhood Catch Phrases
By Matthew Zils (3/30/05)

Three Things I Learned While Using the Lavatory at Local Boston-Area Restaurants
By Jonathan Pickering (3/30/05)

Failed Soft-Drink Product Names
By Rob Eccles (3/28/05)

Example Sentences From A Chinese-English Dictionary (Revised Edition), Beijing: Foreign Languages Teaching and Research Press, 1997
By Phil Tinari (3/28/05)

The Primary Series of Poses in Yoga for Depressives
By Carmen Nobel (3/28/05)

Types of People and Things That Have Been Shot by Charles Bronson
By Seth Fried (3/25/05)

Implausible Claims Made by Vanilla Ice in His 1990 No. 1 Hit "Ice Ice Baby"
By Doug Erickson (3/25/05)

Dance Moves the Man-Mountain Standing in Front of Me at Beastie Boys Last Night Amused Bystanders With and How One Might "Feel" If One Performed Them
By Marieke Hardy (3/25/05)

Cinematic Expressions of Inner Self-Loathing If There Were No Mirrors to Smash
By Ross Murray (3/18/05)

A List of Phrases, Common in Our Language, That Become Awkward in a Dimension of Unending Pain
By Aaron Esser-Kahn (3/18/05)

Clocks Ranked According to the Ease With Which One Can Tell Time From Them (Easiest to Hardest)
By Allie Oestreich (3/18/05)

Names That Could Possibly Pass as Cries of Passion If Accidentally Yelled During Sex With Anyone Not So Named
By Emily Lloyd (3/15/05)

Seven Items Found in Hugh Hefner's Overnight Bag
By Scott Leslie (3/15/05)

Things You Don't Expect to Find on a McDonald's Reader-Board Menu
By Jonathan Shipley (3/4/05)

Current Football Players If They Decided to Spell Their Last Name Like Brett Favre
By Jason DeLorenzo (3/4/05)

Western States Maladies
By Jim Connelly (3/4/05)

Thirteen Leading Synonyms for "Deliverables" in 2005
By Angela Genusa (3/1/05)

Names Gas-Station Attendants Call Me That Leave Me Feeling Both Slightly Superior and Subtly Overwhelmed
By Rob Eccles (3/1/05)

Adjectives Rarely Used by Wine Tasters
By Adam Koford (3/1/05)

The Collected Apologies of Lawrence H. Summers, President of Harvard
By Laurence Hughes (2/25/05)

Possible New Terms for the Old and Tired Term "Brainstorming"
By Ed Davis (2/25/05)

Nonrecommended Questions for Your Five-Minute Speed Date
By Jim Stallard (2/25/05)

Terminology From a Veterinary Textbook and Potential Names for Hardcore Bands
By Kristi Thom and Steve Jacobek (2/25/05)

Last Lines From Best American Short Stories Not Yet Written
By Wayne Gladstone (2/23/05)

Banned Books in the Year 2191
By Brendon Lloyd (2/23/05)

Things That Paper Could Be Replaced With to Make Rock, Paper, Scissors More Believable
By Sam Means (2/18/05)

Things You Don't Expect to See on a Baby Shower Announcement
By Jonathan Shipley (2/18/05)

Muppets That Didn't Make It
By Scott Shemo (2/18/05)

Ways Jesus Saves
By Chris Monks, Melissa Bell, Elizabeth Ellen, Steve Seighman, Matt Simmons, Laura Carney, Jensen Whelan, Aaron Burch, and Pasha Malla (2/16/05)

Extreme Ways to Break Your Arm
By Rick Stoeckel (2/16/05)

Little-Known Song Titles That Answer Questions Posed in Better-Known Songs
By Jacob Sager Weinstein (2/16/05)

Four Ways in Which My Life Is Just Like Pac-Man's
By John Crownover (2/11/05)

Revised Titles of Love Songs I Wrote About the Shitty Bookshelf I Purchased From Wal-Mart (in Chronological Order)
By George Wukoson (2/11/05)

Ways in Which She Could Have Blinded Me With Science
By Jules Lipoff (2/11/05)

NFL Mascots That Could Not Actually Wear a Football Helmet Without Suffocating
By Sarah Walter (2/10/05)

Titles From the Hockey-Lockout Erotica Library
By Joe O'Neill (2/9/05)

Food and Drink Combinations That Would Make a Horrible Afterschool Snack but a Great Buddy Cop Team
By Lisa Seger (2/9/05)

Airlines That Never Took Off
By Lindsay Kaplan (2/4/05)

Necrophiliac Pickup Lines
By Mike DiCenzo (2/4/05)

Alternate Captions for Seven Family Circus Cartoons
By Adam Eli Clem (2/4/05)

Imperatives From the Mail-Order Catalog "Collections, Inc."
By Laura Ellis (1/28/05)

Seldom-Seen Lunchbox Notes From Mothers
By Peter Cunniffe (1/28/05)

New State Names Resulting From the Coming Wave of Mergers and Acquisitions
By Michael Ward (1/28/05)

Play-by-Play of Classic Sports Rivalries If the Team Names Actually Represented the Combatants. And Also, Instead of Playing the Sport, They're Fighting to the Death
By Geoff Haggerty (1/26/05)

Psychic Predictions From the Narcissistic Magic 8 Ball
By Danny Gallagher (1/26/05)

Ten Things the Guy at Starbucks Is Thinking While Looking at the Brunette Barista Behind the Counter
By Jonathan Shipley (1/26/05)

Famous Names Rewritten in a World Greatly Influenced by the Main Character of a 1982 Disney Movie
By Josh Kramer (1/21/05)

Discarded Titles for George Orwell's 1984
By Jez Burrows (1/21/05)

Things I'd Probably Say If the Bush Administration Were Just a Weekly TV Show and I Were a Regular Viewer
By Eric Maierson (1/21/05)

The Hierarchy of Candy
By Ryan Boudinot (1/19/05)

Amazon.com Customer Comments: Bible or Satanic Bible?
By Steven Seighman (1/19/05)

Leaders of the Hip-Hop Nation
By Jason Feifer (1/19/05)

Songs I Might Perform During a Cabaret Act Designed to Break Gently to My Mother That I Am a Crossdresser
By Melvyn Brown (1/14/05)

Scratch-and-Sniff Books That Have Failed the Test of Time
By Koji Park (1/14/05)

Actual Opening Lines Used on Me by Business-to-Business Telemarketers
By Eric Wrisley (1/14/05)

Ill-Fated Ideas Borne of a Hallmark Brainstorming Session
By Tim Cigelske (1/5/05)

A List of Actual Quotes Taken From the Directions and Mission Statements of Organic Products Belonging to My Vegan Roommate
By Kate Brown (1/5/05)

Two Bugs on Display at the Montreal Insectarium, the First of Which I Thought Very Impressive Until I Saw the Second
By Dan Guterman (1/5/05)

Alternatives to "Opening a Can o' Whupass" for the Less Confrontationally Inclined
By Ian Carey (12/23/04)

Richard Rodgers' Neighborhood
By Sam Thielman (12/23/04)

Popular Songs Renamed Along the Lines of the Cattlemen's Beef Board Ad Campaign "Beef, It's What's for Dinner"
By Geoff Smith (12/23/04)

Culinary Trends That Never Quite Caught On
By Chris Steck and Margaret Steck (12/21/04)

Failed Comic Strips
By Adam Koford (12/21/04)

Disingenuous Reasons for Band Names ('70s Edition)
By Ryan Boudinot (12/21/04)

Rap Act or Gay-Rights Advocacy Group?
By Paul Grellong (12/17/04)

Excerpts From 2004 Summer-Movie Reviews That Also Describe Tom Morello's Guitar Work on the Debut Rage Against the Machine Album
By Lucas Stangl (12/17/04)

Names of University of Oklahoma Football Players, Past and Present, That Sound Like Characters From Dr. Strangelove
By Wampus Reynolds (12/16/04)

Guide to Determine If You Are in a Jerry Bruckheimer Movie
By Peter W. Suderman (12/14/04)

Now Playing at the Zombietown 12-Screen Cineplex
By John Moe (12/14/04)

Your Seat Cushion Doubles as a Personal Flotation Device in the Event of a Water Landing, but Other Airplane Items May Be Useful as Well
By Tracy Moller (12/14/04)

TV Catch Phrases That Weren't
By Richard Long (12/7/04)

Films That May Be More Interesting With a Letter or Two Missing
By Steve Finbow (12/7/04)

New Slogans for America to Use to Sell Itself to the Islamic World
By Rob Bates (12/7/04)

Things Arlen Specter Could Do in Order to Secure the Chairmanship of the Senate Judicial Committee (In Ascending Order of Effectiveness)
By Austin Sidley (12/6/04)

Lists: Deflation/Inflation
By Michelle McKenzie (12/1/04)

Mildly Upsetting Fortune-Cookie Messages
By Sloan Schang (12/1/04)

56 Uncommon Baby Names for Boys, Culled From the Index of Volume 3 of Master of the Senate, Robert Caro's Biography of Lyndon Johnson
By Andrew Cohen (11/18/04)

I Lack the Physical Ability to Be in the NFL but I More Than Make Up for It With My Innovation in the Area of Touchdown Celebrations
By Peter Haas (11/18/04)

Words to Know When Listening to German Industrial Music
By Asa Pillsbury (11/18/04)

Signs Your Doctor May Be Coming On to You
By Wendy Molyneux (11/17/04)

Why the Lone Ranger Gave Up His Cell Phone
By Greg Howard (11/12/04)

Why Hollywood Hates the Metric System
By David Cristofano (11/12/04)

Other Things Donna Summer Might Have Been Seeking When Singing "Hot Stuff"
By Peter Cunniffe (11/12/04)

Cruel Nicknames for Overweight Vampires
By Marty Sems, Nathan Chandler, Cal Clinchard, and Amy Cassner-Sems (11/10/04)

Rappers I Thought Were Asian
By Sujan Hong (11/10/04)

Action Verbs to Use Sparingly on Resumés
By Dave Ash (11/5/04)

Sentences Containing Surfing Terms That May Be Uttered After Drinking Coffee on an Empty Stomach
By Michelle McKenzie (11/5/04)

General Broadcasting Standards Concerning Upper-Torso Nudity
By Dayvid Figler (11/5/04)

What Not to Be in the Middle of When the Earthquake Comes
By Charlie Hopper (11/2/04)

First Names of Women Who Probably Shouldn't Marry Me, Given My Surname
By Kevin Hyde (11/2/04)

Candidates Running in the 2004 General Election Whose Names Feature Food or Drink
By JC Bellringer (11/2/04)

Campaign-Trail Quotes From George W. Bush, If He Were Running for President in 1848
By Sean Keane (11/1/04)

Rejected Names for Smokeless Tobacco Products
By Jennifer Bingham (10/22/04)

Versions of Well-Known Films in Which the Protagonist Has Been Replaced With Leon Trotsky
By Erick Peterson (10/22/04)

Dissertation Titles That Suggest the Author Was Preoccupied With Other Issues at the Time of Writing
By Zhubin Parang (10/20/04)

Inappropriate "Do It" Slogans
By Jeremy Martin (10/20/04)

Recent Occurrences at Owl Creek Bridge
By Lucas Klauss (10/20/04)

Prince Song or Inspirational Signage Outside Byron United Covenant Church?
By Michelle Orange (10/15/04)

The Search Continues: Places Where O.J. Simpson Has Not Found the Killer
By Dan Kennedy (10/15/04)

Bands and Musicians Whose Careers Would Be Quite Different Had They Initially Misspelled Their Own Names
By Chuck Whittington (10/15/04)

Names of Cheeses Inspired by Star Wars Characters
By Steve Krodman (10/15/04)

Republican Dozens
By David Jasper (10/12/04)

Titles of Hardy Boys Books in Which the Villain Could Have Turned Out to Be George W. Bush
By Martin Bell (10/12/04)

Nine Lessons Learned From Baseball on the Radio
By Joe Lavin (10/12/04)

Early Incarnations of Fat Joe's Instructional Dance Hit "Lean Back"
By Lincoln Michel (10/8/04)

Things Anaheim Angels Outfielder Vladimir Guerrero Could Have Used as an Underprivileged Child Instead of Sticks for Bats and Lemons Wrapped in Rags for Balls
By Geoff Haggerty (10/8/04)

Contenders Who Vied With Thunder From Down Under to Be the Featured All-Male Revue at Las Vegas's Excalibur Casino
By Nancy Callahan (10/8/04)

What a Difference a Year Makes
By Nav Purewal (10/5/04)

Alternative Names for MoveOn.org
By Lukas Kaiser (10/5/04)

Moons That Orbit Distant Planets or Female Birth Control Brand Names?
By Danny Gallagher (10/5/04)

Some Possibilities in a Half-Hearted Campaign to Rename the Middle West
By Frank Bures (10/1/04)

Really Boring Books for Children
By Melissa Bell (10/1/04)

Old Bumper Stickers Updated
By Kevin Reifler (10/1/04)

A List of Five Favorite Heresies of the Roman Catholic Church, Disguised in the Form of Unused Episode Titles for the Hit Situation Comedy Friends, and Their Dates
By Alex East (9/28/04)

Secrets Revealed During VH1's "I Love the '90s"
By Claire Zulkey (9/28/04)

Letters That Have Never Brought You an Episode of Sesame Street
By Ryan Joe (9/28/04)

How to Tell If Your Employer Has You Under Surveillance
By Michael Fowler (9/24/04)

Actual Superheroes From the Pages of International and Obscure Comic Books Who Are Unlikely to See Their Origin Stories Developed Into Movies
By Frank Smith (9/24/04)

Twenty Underused Yoga Positions
By Taylor Kirkpatrick and Walter Swanson (9/21/04)

Recent and Past Headlines From the Arusha Times, in Arusha, Tanzania
By Frank Bures (9/21/04)

Lame Excuses Roommate Has Given for Breaking Dates or the Smiths Lyrics?
By Sara Grant (9/21/04)

Musical Styles That Never Caught On
By Ben Solomon (9/17/04)

Songs That Wouldn't Have Been Hits If They'd Been Grammatically Correct
By Karen Wise (9/17/04)

Most Common Recurring Dreams of the Cicada
By Tracy Moller (9/17/04)

Armed Band of Thugs or Minor Star Wars Character?
By David DeKrey (9/15/04)

Golf Course Names That Sound Dirty
By Justin Baker (9/15/04)

The Most Memorable Comments Actually Overheard During My Medical Training, Thus Far
By Noah Raizman, medical student (9/15/04)

This Bible You Sold Me Is Clearly Defective and I'd Like to Return It, Please
By Matthew Simmons (9/13/04)

Paint Color or Rapper?
By Josh Michtom (9/10/04)

UNIX Application or Outlawed Paramilitary/Guerrilla Organization?
By Sara Cody (9/10/04)

Proposed Titles for a Remake of Bend It Like Beckham, Using Croatian Players in the Titles
By Joe O'Neill (9/10/04)

Guide to Determining If You Are Constantly Being Mauled by Bears
By Dan Pride (9/7/04)

Guided by Voices Song Titles That Could Double as Chapter Headings in Al Qaeda Training Manuals
By Paul Grellong (9/3/04)

Lyrics From Pavement's Slanted and Enchanted That Sound Like They Belonged in President Bush's Convention Acceptance Speech
By C. Mason Wells (9/3/04)

Lyrics From Pavement's Slanted and Enchanted That Sound Like They Could Be Slogans Shouted by Protesters During the Republican National Convention Speeches
By C. Mason Wells (9/3/04)

Dave Matthews Band Lyrics That Take On New Meaning in Light of the Recent Brouhaha Surrounding One of Its Bus Drivers, Who Allegedly Dumped the Contents of the Excrement Tank off of a Chicago River Bridge and Onto the Deck of a Tour Boat
By Dan Bruno (9/1/04)

Alternatives to the "LOVE HATE" Knuckle Tattoo in Order of Increasing Rarity
By Tony Fassi and Charlie Gschwend (9/1/04)

Lines Not Used in Coors Light's "Accomplishments" Advertising Campaign
By Kevin Cahillane (9/1/04)

Very Wrong Ways to Eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup
By Andrew McDonnell (9/1/04)

E-mail Addresses It Would Be Really Annoying to Give Out Over the Phone
By Michael Ward (8/27/04)

Horrible Movies Made Worse by an Infusion of Political Agenda
By David Cristofano (8/27/04)

Horse Equipment or Dance From the '60s?
By Brook Crowley (8/27/04)

VH1's Top 10 Songs of the Last 25 Years, Rearranged Into Eight Better Songs
By Chris Harvey (8/26/04)

Hip-Hop Artist or Entry on U.S. Government Terrorist Watch List?
By Josh Michtom (8/25/04)

Words That Could Conceivably Be Used to Describe Both Sherpas and Sherbet
By Michael Ward (8/24/04)

Oft-Overlooked Benefits Enjoyed by Men with Female Names
By Matt Stewart (8/23/04)

Logging Terms You Wouldn't Want to Use at a Debutante Ball
By Eric Maierson (8/23/04)

Things Which Smell Good, but Which Nevertheless Should Not Be Made Into Candle Scents
By Ebony Adams and Julie deGroot (8/23/04)

The New Superstitions: M&M Colors and the Conditions They Cause
By Jim Connelly (8/17/04)

Reasons to Use the New Aquafresh Extreme Clean Toothpaste with Micro-active Foaming Action (from Advertisements, News Releases, and the Product-Safety Data Sheet)
By Cheryl Bowles (8/17/04)

New Names for Previously Recalled Pharmaceuticals Being Remarketed to Take Advantage of Their Side Effects
By Chris Steck (8/17/04)

Selected Intriguing Names of Actual Federal Legislation: The A's
By Greg Koehler (8/13/04)

Whitney Houston Song Titles With "Love" Replaced by "Drug(s)"
By Kevin C. Smith (8/13/04)

Classic Movie Lines That, Without Proper Editing, Would Not Have Been So Classic
By David Cristofano (8/13/04)

Alien vs. Predator
By Christopher Monks (8/13/04)

Favorite Gerund Movie Titles, Un-gerunded
By Ian Carey (8/10/04)

Variations on "Spanking the Monkey" That Enable It to Apply to Female Masturbation
By Emily Lloyd (8/6/04)

Sexual Euphemisms That Won't Catch On
By Benjamin Kharakh (8/6/04)

Featured Attractions at This Year's Department of Homeland Security Pep Rally
By Audrey Ference (8/3/04)

Sentences and Short Dialogues Incorporating Names of Countries in the Middle East
By Michael Degnan (8/3/04)

Most Popular Performers on an Iraqi Insurgency Variety Show
By Ken Budd (8/3/04)

Life Lessons (a.k.a. Tips From the Mario Brothers Instruction Booklet)
By Sue Marucci (7/29/04)

A Hand-by-Hand Description of My Face During a Recent Poker Tournament
By James Kuhl (7/29/04)

Hair Salon Names That Would Also Work as Steven Seagal Movies
By Chris Steck (7/29/04)

Levels of the Mercalli Scale of Seismic Intensity Whose Descriptions Roughly Approximate the Effects of Consuming a Commensurate Number of Beers
By Mike Johns (7/27/04)

Possible Names for a Third Team of Pickup Basketball Players If Shirts and Skins Are Already Taken
By Bret Turner (7/27/04)

Fake Samarian Gods Referenced in the Motion Picture Ghostbusters, or Surnames of Professional Hockey Players
By Jared Young (7/27/04)

Other Statements at Concerts That Caused Riots
By Max Luker and Austin Sidley (7/23/04)

Things I'd Rather Do Than Go See Catwoman
By Benjamin Kharakh (7/23/04)

Free Zingers for George W. Bush to Use During His Debates with John Kerry
By Ryan Boudinot (7/23/04)

Quotes From the Announcers of Wrestlemania XX Which Were, but Should Not Have Been, Meant in All Seriousness
By Joseph M. Ippolito (7/14/04)

A Hard Day's Night
By Brendan Hill (7/14/04)

Car Names Which, When Preceded by the Word "Anal," Sound Like Bad Porn
By Rebecca Anderson (7/14/04)

Good Names for Vicious Dogs
By Ed Page (7/14/04)

What's Up Next for Jack Layton's Mustache?
By Joe O'Neill (7/6/04)

A Collection of Unpublished Hospital Greeting Cards Meant to Ease Patients' Fears About Their Looming Surgeries
By Tiffany Torres (7/6/04)

Cosmetic Surgery I Would Recommend to the Single Women Who Own Dogs in My Neighborhood Based on What Max, My Border Collie/Lab Mix, Seems To Like
By Brandon Rogers (7/6/04)

Playlists on Dick Cheney's iPod
By Ryan Boudinot (7/2/04)

If Charles Bukowski Had Written Children's Books
By Litsa Dremousis (6/25/04)

Little-Known Nancy Drew Titles
By Christina Delia (6/25/04)

Downsized Works of Literature
By J.D. Finch (6/25/04)

If All Characters Were Named After Places in Maine
By Rachel Axler (6/24/04)

What the Stock Pages Would Look Like if Businesses Chose Ticker Abbreviations the Way Bar Patrons Choose Initials for Arcade-Game High-Score Lists
By B. M. Lilley (6/18/04)

Andrew W.K.'s Inspirational Website Messages or Charles Manson's Poetry?
By John McRae (6/18/04)

Words That at First Glance Appear to be The Names of Warring Populations in Bad Science-Fiction Novels, but are Actually Strange Marsupials
By Carrie Cizauskas (6/18/04)

Russian Bolshevik Slogan or Prince Incarnation?
By David Chambers (6/15/04)

Words Preceding "Fuck" in Ice-T's "Cop Killer"
By Brian McMullen (6/11/04)

Judy Blume's Lesser-Known Philosophy Texts
By Sam Thielman (6/11/04)

List of Soothing Musical Terms or Potentially Deadly Biological Weapons
By Jason McGregor (6/2/04)

Punchlines Suggested by Ashton Kutcher for Punk'd that Were Rejected Due to Their Archaic Nature
By Afrooz Family (6/2/04)

Dialects of the Common Bumblebee
By Michelle Orange (6/2/04)

Plant-Animal Hybrids that May Result from Genetic Engineering
By J. D. Smith (5/24/04)

What I Actually Mean When I Say I Love You: Thirty Scenarios
By Shelley McIntyre (5/24/04)

Wasploitation Flicks
By Peter Schooff (5/24/04)

Eighteen Very Early and Oft-Forgotten James Bond Films
By Andrew Howley (5/19/04)

Erotic Presidential Names
By Patrick Gavin (5/19/04)

Popular Song Titles which Have Been Altered So as Not to Offend the Very Prudish
By Paul Kaloper (5/19/04)

Love Isn't...
By Mike Sacks and Ted Travelstead (5/13/04)

C-Span Reality Show Ideas Seeking to Capitalize on the Popularity of VH1's Bands Reunited
By Dave Wilson (5/13/04)

Apart from an Angel Getting Its Wings, Other Things That Happen Every Time a Bell Rings.
By Bryan Hughes (5/13/04)

Excerpts from Love: Family Style — How to Have a Happy Home By Dr. Clarence W. Kerr with Nathanael Olson, Cited Here in Support of President Bush's Marriage-Advocacy Initiatives or the Blessed Institution of (Heterosexual) Marriage
By A. E. Sousa (5/7/04)

Biological Terms or Theories that Sound Made Up
By Emma Sheppard (5/7/04)

Playground Toys Unsuitable for Children
By Joshua Seely (5/7/04)

My Heart Belongs to Puff Daddy: Proposed New Names for Sean "P. Diddy" Combs in Honor of St. Valentine's Day
By Melissa Bell (5/3/04)

Sensations I Would Have Gladly Endured for a Full Thirty Minutes in Lieu of the Eight Months of Constant Discomfort Resulting from a Pinched Sciatic Nerve (the Longest Nerve in the Body)
By Matt Sherman (5/3/04)

Rethinking Horse Proverbs
By Joseph O'Brien (5/3/04)

Recently Purchased Fruits that Are Hairy on the Inside or Outside
By Jonathan Rivnay (4/27/04)

Kentucky Derby Winner or Kentucky Headhunters Song Title
By Eric Hamiter (4/14/04)

Selections from the Nixon/Haldeman Conversations of a Somewhat Compromised Historical Significance
Shauna McKenna and Jane Laughlin (4/14/04)

Selected Messages from the More than 600 Posted on Yahoo News in Response to a Story About the University of Wisconsin at Madison Developing an Ultraviolet Laser to Slice Cheese by "Blasting Apart the Molecular Bonds"
By Frank Bures (4/14/04)

More Actual Entries From Cab Calloway's Hepster's Dictionary, Revised 1939 Edition
By Josh Weintraub (4/7/04)

Twenty Miscellaneous Authors from My Dorm Bookshelf, with Corresponding Airport Codes
By David Andrew Shook (4/7/04)

Bad Names for Undercover Police Officers
By Wendy Molyneux (4/2/04)

Titles of B-Movie Westerns that Give the Impression the West Was Wilder than Previously Imagined
By Jim Ruland (4/2/04)

Currently Available Stock Symbols that Might Lead to an Underwhelming IPO.
By Brian M. Sack (4/2/04)

Anachronisms in Russell Crowe's Films
By Timmy Waldron (3/31/04)

Alcoholics Anonymous Slogans as Eleven Murder Mystery Titles and One Spy Thriller Title
By Mark Jensen (3/31/04)

Random Passages Culled from Novels I Edited While Working at a Vanity Press
By Ken Mondschein (3/26/04)

Grammatically Incorrect Sentences in the Space of Four Paragraphs in One Lesson of the Indiana Aware Driver Hoosier Ez Course Online Traffic School
By Jason Bredle (3/26/04)

Possible Rhymes by Ice Cube After Being Knighted by the Queen
By Grant Vaught (3/19/04)

Gospel Song Titles that Sound Dirty
By Angelo Young (3/19/04)

Suggested Masters Thesis Titles Making Use of Puns on a 1983 Marvin Gaye Classic
By Jenny Kim and Michael Ward (3/19/04)

Frequently Asked Questions About Expungements, According to the Website www.uslawbooks.com
By Afsheen Family (3/15/04)

Selected Ohio University Undergraduate Honors Thesis Titles, 1999-Present, as Found on the Ohio University Honors Tutorial Website
By Caroline Nagy (3/15/04)

Reported Legal Case Opinions Pertaining to or Mentioning Coleslaw
By John W. Vinson (3/15/04)

Rejected Titles for Teen-Health Pamphlets
Rachel Summer Tupelo (3/9/04)

Eight Ways to Not Get Hit In the Face with a Brick
By Luke Hackney (3/9/04)

Elvish Or Yiddish?
By Steve Krodman (3/5/04)

Adjectives that, Depressingly, Apply to Various Products In My Bathroom but Not to Me, Personally
By Brendan Hill (3/5/04)

PGA Golfers Who Might Have a Future in the Porn Industry
By Alex Gordon (3/5/04)

Words That Could Conceivably Be Used to Describe Both Scalps and Scallops
By Michael Ward (2/27/04)

Other Unfortunate Uses for Johnny Cash Songs
By Kenda Burrack (2/27/04)

Duck, Duck, Goose
By Michael Ward (2/27/04)

Hexadecimal Color Codes in HTML That Look or Sound Dirty, But Are in Fact Merely Colorful
By Angela Genusa (2/25/04)

Things Editorial Assistants Should Never Say to Senior Editors
By Stephen Karam (2/25/04)

New Age Statements From Breakdancing: Mr. Fresh and the Supreme Rockers Show You How to Do It! (Avon Books, 1984)
By Brendan Short (2/20/04)

Possible Good Rock Band Names Inspired by the Korean Central News Agency's Press Release Entitled "DPRK, Dignified Powerful Nation"
By Jory Hemmelgarn (2/20/04)

Major Hollywood Productions that Kill Off the Only, or Only Important, Black Character in the Film
By Cameron D. Holley (2/20/04)

Actual Dialogue from Radio Commercials That I've Been Asked to Deliver "Believably" As If Normal People Would Say Such Things.
By Brian Sack (2/16/04)

Reasons You Should Not Place Your Foot onto the Street When a Car Is Coming, Even If You Are Curious About How It Would Feel If a Car Ran over Your Foot
By Jay Wexler (2/16/04)

Shakespearean Magnet Poetry and Eighties Hair Bands
By Jennifer Carlson (2/16/04)

Places I've Walked Into with a Confident Swagger Despite Public Warning
By Wells Oliver (2/09/04)

New Movie Reviews from Ebert & Roeper
By Steve Caldes (2/09/04)

Who and What Was Most Likely Responsible for the Births of Our Current Democratic Presidential Candidates
By Adam Brown (2/5/04)

Quotes from Either President of the United States George W. Bush or Senator/Chancellor/Emperor Palpatine from the Star Wars Movies
By Jason McGregor (2/5/04)

Seven Vaguely Dickensian Yet Sophomorically Inappropriate Proper Names, Two Legitimate Dickensian Characters, and One U.S. State — Or "The Dickens Cider Bleak House Rules"
By Ben Skoch (1/28/04)

Food, Drink, and Condiment Names That May Also Serve as Names of Ecdysiasts and/or Adult Film Stars
By J.D. Smith (1/28/04)

My Attempt to Further Depress a Particularly Unfunny List, Sent to Me by Someone at Work, by Making Random Remarks
By Darby Larson (1/20/04)

Possible Restaurant Names For a Themed Slot-Machine/Race-Car/Tokens-And-Prizes Establishment That Has an Overwhelming Amount of Seafood Dishes On the Menu
By Millie de Chirico (1/15/04)

Androgynous Names of Former Toronto Blue Jays
By Darryl Humber (1/15/04)

Ways This Flight Might Yet Be the Death of Me
By Cate Carlson (1/15/04)

Three People I Was Surprised to Find Mentioned in a Review of John G. Papastavridis's "Analytical Mechanics: A Comprehensive Treatise on the Dynamics of Constrained Systems; for Engineers, Physicists and Mathematicians," in the Bulletin of the American Mathematical Society, in Order of Appearance
By Charles Ullmann (1/13/04)

Harry Potter Spell or Psychotropic Medication?
By Terra Morais (1/13/04)

Lesser-known DC Comics Characters or "As Seen on TV" Products?
By Natalie Dietz (1/13/04)

College A Capella Groups, Sorted by Major College-Football Rivalries
By Patrick W. Gavin (1/7/04)

Adjective and Noun Combinations Considered and Then Discarded in Favor of "Black Betty" in the Song "Black Betty," Which Is Perhaps Better Known as "Whoa! Black Betty! Bam-ba-Lam"
By Evan Billings (1/7/04)

Track List of an Air Supply Greatest Hits Compilation in an Alternate Universe Where the Concept of "Love" Is Expressed by the Words Partially Hydrogenated Corn Syrup
By Charles Ullmann (12/22/03)

Suggested Names for Religious Rap Artists
By Michael Ward and Josh Fischel (12/22/03)

Yakov Smirnoff Joke or Offensive to Russians?
By Scott Tomford (12/22/03)

Famous Predictions
By Adam Underhill (12/15/03)

Headlines in the Sports Section of My College Newspaper That Seemed Funny at the Time, But in Retrospect Were Probably Just Unnecessarily Mean-Spirited
By Ilya Abyzov (12/15/03)

Rejected Titles Suggested by Clay Aiken for Ruben Studdard's Debut Album
By Robert McEvily (12/15/03)

Working Titles for Sly and the Family Stone's "Thank You Falletinme Be Mice Elf Agin"
By Scott Shemo (12/8/03)

Popular Pickup Lines Used by Serial Killers
By Wendy Molyneux (12/8/03)

Replacing Bunnies With Bastards
By Mark Peters (12/2/03)

Possible Closing Lines for a Defendant Who Has Chosen to Represent Himself
By Brian Sack (12/2/03)

Actual Entries from Cab Calloway's Hepster's Dictionary, Revised 1939 Edition
By Josh Weintraub (11/20/03)

Physical Theories as Women
By Simon DeDeo (11/20/03)

Pillow Talk
By Hari Raghavan (11/20/03)

People I'd Have Sex with to Avoid "Dialing Down the Middle" with Carrot Top, As Revealed by a Recent Game of "Who Would You Rather Sleep With?"
By Evany Thomas (11/12/03)

Dee Snider's Notes from Workshopping a B-Side to "Stay Hungry"
By B.R. Cohen (11/12/03)

Things You Should Not Substitute for Whipped Cream During Food Sex, Even if You Are Out of Whipped Cream
By Jay Wexler (11/06/03)

Why Love Is Blind
By Matthew Simmons (11/06/03)

List of Organizations, People, and Anthropomorphic Endangered Species That, for Funds-Soliciting Purposes, Purchased My Closely Held New Mailing Address from the ACLU, Which I Recently Joined, Ironically, to Support Privacy Rights
By Nic Duquette (11/06/03)

What I Learned from "Operational Security Management in Violent Environments," A Field Guide to Humanitarian Aid Workers
By Everett Cook (10/31/03)

Random Book Dedications Read From the Bargain Bin
By Brandon Rogers (10/31/03)

Albert Einstein College of Medicine Professor or Dr. Pepper Knock-Off Brand?
By Jules Lipoff (10/31/03)

Jokes I May Have Misremembered
By Shauna McKenna and David Fisher (10/24/03)

1960s Dance Craze or Kama Sutra Position?
By Rachel Good (10/24/03)

Things I Told Customers While Working at a Starbucks, in a Mall, in the Baltimore Suburbs
By Stephanie Manuzak (10/20/03)

Possible Names for a Supergroup Consisting Solely of Jack Black and Jack White
By Scott Sand (10/20/03)

Certain Foods and the Individual Utensils It Is Difficult to Eat Them With
By Eric Van Uffelen (10/14/03)

Reverse-Chronology Films or Imitation Designer Colognes
By Scott Bailey (10/14/03)

How One Would Have Seen Various Film Franchises Had They Been Directed By Matthew Barney
By Matt Myers (10/14/03)

Things for Which I Was Either Reprimanded or Outright Suspended Without Pay When I Was a Teenage Universal Studios Hollywood Tour Guide in the Late Eighties
By Scott Bailey (10/10/03)

Story Endings O. Henry Didn't Use
By J.D. Finch (10/10/03)

Rejected Titles for Hymns
By Mollie Wilson (10/10/03)

Alphabetical Listing of the Occupations of the People Running for Governor of California (As Listed on the "Official Sample Ballot")
By Tom O'Connor(10/03/03)

Geology Terms That Sound Like Names for Small Forest People
By Vance Anderson (10/03/03)

Geology Terms That Sound Dirty, But Aren't
By Vance Anderson (10/03/03)

Comments My Father Made to the TV
By Andy Earles (10/03/03)

An Incomplete List of Admonitions, Disclaimers, and Braggadocios Appearing on the Cardboard Sleeves of Thirty-Three and One-Third Revolutions Per Minute Microgroove Long-Playing Phonographic Records
By Jim Kuhn (9/26/03)

Grout-Related Phrases Written on the Grout in a Bathroom Stall (Most Likely Written While Sitting on the Toilet)
By Ryan Gratzer (9/26/03)

Reasons You're No Longer Fit To Be an Architect
By Jason Roeder (9/26/03)

Yngwie Malmsteen or Spinal Tap?
By Simon French & David Lewis (9/22/03)

Jim Croce's List of Things It Would Be Imprudent to Do
By Mollie Wilson (9/22/03)

Remembered Items Bid During an Apparently Drunken but Lucid Game of High Stakes Verbal "Trivia Poker," as Overheard During Observance of the Leonid Meteor Showers, High Atop Skyline Boulevard in the Hills of Oakland, California
By Eric Van Uffelen (9/15/03)

Lyrics from Bob Dylan Tunes or Poorly Translated English on Japanese Food Packaging
By Kim McCann (9/15/03)

TV Guide Movie Capsules, Heaven Edition
By Greg Murphy (9/15/03)

Fluid-Related Terms Indicative of a State of Grace, Mostly from Various Obscure Religions
By Steve Krodman (9/03/03)

Titles of Rock Songs Covered on Barbra's Rock Album, Butterfly, or "Barbra's Statements" from barbrastreisand.com
By Andrew Tibbetts (9/03/03)

Robert Frost Greeting Cards
By Dennis Mahoney (8/22/03)

Things I Would Say to Dorothy Parker If I Was Her Boyfriend that Would Lead to a Huge Fight
By Matthew Simmons (8/22/03)

Possible Collaborations Between James Brown and Loretta Lynn, to be Performed at This Year's Kennedy Center Honors Ceremony
By Ben Skoch (8/11/03)

The Tables of Contents of C.G. Jung's The Undiscovered Self and Dr. Wayne Dyer's Self-help Book Your Erroneous Zones Spliced Together
By Andrew Jacobs (8/6/03)

Spin-Offs of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
By Josh Michtom (8/6/03)

Actual Phrases from My American History Textbook
By Marissa Skudlarek (7/29/03)

Eleven Boxers Who Failed to Intimidate
By Jason Roeder (7/29/03)

Recent Unpatriotic Thoughts: Canadian Edition
By Stephany Aulenback (7/21/03)

Potential Titles for the Next Installment of the Harry Potter Series, as Co-Authored by Judy Blume
By Keith Jones and Thom Verratti (7/21/03)

Blind Items
By Ben Greenman (7/18/03)

Emotions/Bodily Responses I Experience When Reading about the Controversy Surrounding President Bush's State of the Union Address in Which He Falsely Stated That Iraq Had Tried to Secure "Yellowcake" Uranium from Niger
By John Warner (7/18/03)

Radiohead Song Titles Vetoed By Thom Yorke
By Jeff Hurlock (7/16/03)

Nicknames for Jesus
By Ed Page (7/16/03)

Things That Will Eventually Lead to the Demise of Rush Limbaugh, NFL Analyst
By Jason DeBoer (7/16/03)

What I Found in My Two-Year-Old Son's Playroom
By John Moe (4/11/03)

Select Items Sold at the Waco Independent School District Kitchen and Machine Shop Remainder Auction
By Greg Koehler (4/11/03)

Subjects My Dad Doesn't Like and Will Discuss at Length
By Kate Harris (2/11/03)

Some Famous Names That Can Replace the Word Yesterday in the Song "Yesterday," by Paul McCartney
By Laura Voss and Friends (2/11/03)

Regrettable Puns I've Used as Headlines at the In-Flight Magazine for Which I Work
By Ross McCammon (2/11/03)

Titles of Various Reviews of Hamlet
By Jeff Sims (2/11/03)

The Quotable Bazooka Joe
By Eric Spitznagel (2/11/03)

Top Ten Things I (Not Me) Love About You, Janine (Probably Not You)
By JP Howley (2/11/03)

Teams in My Fantasy Hockey League
By Noel Franus (2/11/03)

Ways This One Project Manager Replies to My Replies to Her E-mailed Questions About Documentation
By Peter Ward Brown (1/16/03)

Words and Phrases I Use at Work, but Seldom Use at Home
By Teresa DiFalco (1/16/03)

Names, Words, and Phrases from Notes Taken in an Archaeology Class, Whose Meanings and Context I Have Since Forgotten
By Zoe Piel (1/16/03)

Nicknames I've Been Called by My Family
By Gregorian Von Vermouthian (1/16/03)

The Track Listing on a CD Titled "Songs That Remind Me of Katie" Burned By My 15-Year-Old Brother (Where Katie is His Girlfriend)
By Nicolas Duquette (1/16/03)

Comments Overheard in English Class Last Week
By Natalie Hope McDonald (1/16/03)

Titles of threads on the OSFriends Forum, an Internet Message Board for Fans of the Osmonds
By Jeremy Grimshaw (1/16/03)

Thirty Good Names for a Dance Troupe, Including Five That are Already Taken by Actual Troupes, and Two That are Taken by Cheeses
By Daniel Archer, Peter McGrath, and Jenny Traig (1/16/03)

Nicknames for the Nuns at My Catholic Girls Boarding School
By Heidi Bullard (11/20/02)

Easily Confused Municipalities in Massachusetts
By Seth D. Michaels (11/20/02)

Mystifying Expressions That Victor Skaarup and Kris Winther Thought Fit To Include In Their 1949 Swedish Reference Work "USA Slang, Ordbok Over Modern Amerikansk Slang"
By Ethan Hein
(11/20/02)

Part of 'P' and All of 'Q' and 'R' in the Jobs and Occupations Index of the "Word in Life Study Bible"
By Richard Engel (11/20/02)

Items From the Neiman Marcus 2002 Christmas Book
By Claire Zulkey (11/20/02)

Potential Names of TV Shows Taken from Every Other Word of the Preamble of the US Constitution, And on What Networks Those Shows Might Appear
By Michael Ward (11/04/02)

Animals I Enjoy Imagining
By Felix Muhl (11/04/02)

People Playing Scrabble in "The Merry Worzels Game Room" on www.thepixiepit.co.uk
By Michael Rose (11/04/02)

Bits of Conversation Overheard at My Neighborhood's Swimming Pool
By Lauren Spisak (11/04/02)

Several Books Left in My Apartment Building's Laundry Room
By Vince Keenan (10/21/02)

Major League Baseball Players and Their Injuries
By Seth Kolloen (10/21/02)

Chocolate Molds Available from a Leisure World, in Toronto, Ontario
By Brandon Cunningham (10/21/02)

Contents of the Useless Courier Bag I Took to This Job Interview Just to Avoid Being Empty-Handed
By Andrew Krucoff (10/15/02)

Cable News Shows in Geometry Geek Heaven
By Michelle Orange (10/15/02)

Memories from My Youth Involving My Best Friend, Glen Sanford
By Josh Michtom (10/15/02)

Motivational Slogans Posted on the Walls of the Career Services Office at the Borough of Manhattan Community College
By Jules Lipoff (10/15/02)

Actual Security Incidents at Queen's University
By Neil Pasricha (10/15/02)

Example Sentences from My Sixth-Grade Grammar Book
By Tim Bubar (09/23/02)

Band Names Proposed by My Stepbrother Who Sometimes Believes He's Peter Criss of Kiss
By Jon L. Fine (09/23/02)

Names New Agers in Santa Fe, New Mexico Have Given Themselves
By Ranee Zaporski (09/23/02)

Frequently Asked Questions at the Office
By Kurt Shriner (09/23/02)

Stay A While: Articles in Back Issues of Parking Today
By Steve Delahoyde (09/23/02)

Actual and Made-up Adages Used to Promote the Consumption of Pork
By Sarah Garb and Megan Peterson (09/16/02)

Rejected Dialogue for the Chinese Psy-Ops Officer in "Pork Chop Hill"
By Greg Knauss (09/16/02)

More Titles of Resumes Posted by Job-Seekers on a San Francisco-Area Website
By Tony Cross (09/16/02)

Actual Entries from the Scots Dialect Dictionary
By John McMurtrie (09/16/02)

Things I Learned about My Spanish Teacher during Intensive Lessons in Which We Can Only Speak in Spanish
By Mattthew Johnson (09/16/02)

Online Reviews of the Shockwave Bowling Game
By Shawn Bruce (09/09/02)

Mnemonic Devices to Help You Remember How to Spell "Mnemonic Devices"
By Rick Larsen (09/09/02)

Possible Follow-up Songs for One-Hit Wonders
By John Moe (09/09/02)

Shakespearean Character or Prescription Drug Not Covered By My Blue Cross/Blue Shield Plan?
By Michael Ward (09/09/02)

Everything I Need to Known I Learned from Spam
By Julie Landry (09/09/02)

All of Chewbacca's Dialogue in the Comic Book Version of The Empire Strikes Back
By Brian McMullen (09/03/02)

Crayola Crayons Included in Its New Hollywood Box
By Josh Abraham (09/03/02)

Bored, I Search Google for "Luke Is"
By Luke Rosa (09/03/02)

Actual Soap Opera Recaps, 1996-2002
By Liza Daly (09/03/02)

Vocabulary Words We Learned by Playing Dungeons & Dragons
By Pat Hall and Marc Newman (09/03/02)

Military Acronyms That Are Also Men's Names
By Laura Golembiewski (08/12/02)

Things NYC Cabdrivers Yelled at Me While I Crossed the Street
By Jeff Hurlock (08/12/02)

Papa Was a Rolling Stone
By Donald Illich (08/12/02)

Names I've Been Called as a Little League Umpire
By Aaron Hotfelder (08/12/02)

Local TV Weatherman or Porn Actor?
By Chris Strauss (08/12/02)

Scientific Journals Available Electronically at the Mt. Sinai School of Medicine
By Dorothy Gambrell (08/05/02)

Lessons Learned from My Study of Literature
By Sean Carman (08/05/02)

Terms Used in an Office-Supply Catalog to Describe Placements of Tabs on Manila File Folders That Could Also Describe Political Ideologies or Sexual Preferences
By Stephanie McNutt (08/05/02)

Films about Tough Jews
By Adam Weitz (08/05/02)

Actual Responses by My Fourteen-Year-Old Japanese Students to the Prompts "In the Future, I Want to Be..." and "Because..."
By Brook Crowley (08/05/02)

Review Headings of New York City's Bliss Spa
By Gloria Fallon (07/29/02)

Retail Store Compilation CDs (Six Real, Two Made-Up)
By Bob Sassone (07/29/02)

The Graffiti of Minneapolis
By Keith Pille (07/29/02)

Women with Whom Klaus Kinski Has Had Sex, According to His Autobiography, "Klaus Kinski: I Need Love," in Order of Mention
By Jacob Jost (07/29/02)

Actually Heard on the New York City Subway/Never Heard on the New York City Subway
By John Parsley (07/29/02)

Businesses in Sydney, Australia Beginning with Mr. or Mister
By Marko Mustac (07/22/02)

Partial List of Items That Cannot Be Legally Mailed to Canada from Other Countries
By Chad Stevens (07/22/02)

Things My Friend Fabio Said Recently
By Jocelyn Carscallen (07/22/02)

Subject Lines from Co-Workers' Goodbye Messages after Getting Laid Off Recently
By Stacey Herron (07/22/02)

Actual Items Described in Published Articles as Being "the Toughest Nut" or "the Toughest Nut to Crack"
By Amy O'Leary (07/22/02)

Contents of Stockton, California's Sesquicentennial Time Capsule
By Patrick Haddick (07/15/02)

The Latest in Fake Meat Products
By Danielle Hess and Mickey Hess (07/15/02)

Actual Misspellings of My Name by the Chinese Restaurant I Call for Pick-Up
By Cody Clarke (07/15/02)

Questions Recently Answered on Yahoo!'s "Ask the Doctor" Website
By Victoria Owens (07/15/02)

Papers Appearing in Science Magazine's "Reflections on Self" Issue
By Jennifer Frazier (07/15/02)

Terrible Fake Names
By Claire Zulkey (07/08/02)

FTD Floral Arrangements Available to Express One's Sympathy
By Sally Sax (07/08/02)

Not Very Scary Movies
By Joshua Watson (07/08/02)

Prom Themes Suggested Instead of "Under the Sea" When My Best Friend Told Me to "Think outside the Box, Woman!"
By Amy O'Leary (07/08/02)

Lines from the Unabomber's Manifesto or Roxy Music's "Manifesto"?
By Luke Rosa (07/08/02)

Actual Brands of the Coca-Cola Company
By John Moe (07/01/02)

Items Received during the Last Eleven Months at a Northern California Food Bank
By Bill Richter (07/01/02)

The Most Famous Haiku of All Time
By Matthew Johnson (07/01/02)

Actual Descriptions of Lara Croft from the Scholarly Book "Video Games: A Popular Culture Phenomenon," by Arthur Asa Berger
By Stephen Bates (07/01/02)

Almost Rhymes With Orange
By Dan Kennedy (07/01/02)

Third Quarter Employee Accident/Injury Report
By Rick Larsen (06/24/02)

Appalled in Albuquerque: Recent Uses of "Appalled" in Letters to the Weekly Alibi, Albuquerque's Weekly Newspaper
By Noah Masterson (06/24/02)

Final Sentences of Essays I Wrote in College
By Brian McMullen (06/24/02)

Keywords That Recently Directed Google Users to My Website
By Wes Ferguson (06/24/02)

Selected Chapter Titles from Superb Virility of Manhood: Giving the Causes and Simple Home Methods of Curing the Weaknesses of Men, by Bernarr Macfadden, Physical Culture Publishing Company, New York, 1904
By Michael Spinelli (06/24/02)

Selected Words from a Chinese-English Dictionary Published in the People's Republic of China And the Sentences Used to Illustrate Their Meanings
By David Jaggard (06/17/02)

The Wrong Mantras
By Dan Kennedy (06/17/02)

Pre-1900 American Political Party or Music Group?
By Trey Kazee (06/17/02)

Profile of Two People Who Held My Jobs Before Me
By Liz Coen (06/17/02)

I Am a Big Fan of the Following Westerns, and No, They Aren't Porn
By Ross Barnes (06/17/02)

Words Overheard in an Amtrak Dining Car Bound for Seattle
By Jonathan Fine (06/10/02)

Actual Titles of Stephen Dixon Short Stories Used As Ice Breakers to Mixed Results (Punctuation Mine)
By Edward Weinstein (06/10/02)

Actual Headlines from the March InStyle Magazine
By Claire Zulkey (06/10/02)

Nicknames for Some of My Coworkers
By Lauren Spisak (06/10/02)

Titling Movies
By Scott Southwick (06/10/02)

Actual Names Entered into the Electronic Scorekeeper at Clover Lakes Bowling Alley, in Rochester, New York
By Cole Louison (06/03/02)

International Equivalents: Cake Hole
By Aaron Stoker-Ring (06/03/02)

Keywords to the New Home Page of the MIT Media Lab
By Sam Potts (06/03/02)

Shoe-Lacing Methods
By Shane Wilson (06/03/02)

Signatures Available from Print Shop's Certificate Maker Program
By Sarah Garb and Megan Peterson (06/03/02)

Suggestions from Baedeker's 1878 Traveller's Manual of Conversation
By John McMurtrie (05/27/02)

Questions Most Frequently Asked by Bookstore Customers
By Kera Yonker (05/27/02)

Potential Names for Christian Rock Bands Taken from Lines in Emily Dickinson's Poems
By E.B. Dubreuil (05/27/02)

Selected Speeches on the Theme of "Perfect Day," as Summarized in the British Airways Japanese Speech Contest for Schools Program
By Greg Pallis (05/27/02)

Music Industry Trends Not Yet Overexposed
By John Moe (05/27/02)

Hardy Boys Novel or Death Metal Album?
By David Epstein (05/20/02)

Signs on the Lawns of People Whose Lawns You May Want to Avoid
By Rich Michaels and Jon Crawford (05/20/02)

Names Of Contestants in the Nashville Sunrise Assisted-Living Minnie Pearle Look-Alike Contest, Including How Each Contestant Fared
By Martin Schneider (05/20/02)

Actual Books Probably Still for Sale on the One-Dollar Carts at the Strand Bookstore in New York City
By Ian Etra (05/20/02)

Ways in which the Midwest Express In-Flight Catalog Describes Shirts That Won't Wrinkle
By Jules Lipoff (05/20/02)

Actual Names for Quadruple Espresso Drinks Used by Locally Owned Coffee Shops
By Aaron Dallas (05/13/02)

Genomes Other than Homo Sapiens Sequenced by the Institute for Genomic Research, in Rockville, Maryland
By Jennifer Frazier (05/13/02)

Dialogue Spoken by Al Pacino During Pre-Production Character Development Exercises for "Scent of a Woman"
By Sean Carman (05/13/02)

My Plans
By Arkadi Gerney (05/13/02)

Rejected First Lines for My Personal Ad
By Aaron Lester (05/13/02)

Bad Names for Boats
By Jim Ruland (05/06/02)

Overheard at the Fall 2001 Microprocessing Development Conference, in San Jose, California
By Sarah Schmelling (05/06/02)

Featured Menu Items at the Existentialist's Café
By Elizabeth Miller (05/06/02)

A Mint for All Occasions
By Robert Joe (05/06/02)

Actual Film Titles Bought By My Cousin, Who Owns Twelve VCRs
By Jeff Hurlock (05/06/02)

What Alexander Graham Bell Might Have Said If His Assistant Was One of My Cats
By Rob Silk (04/29/02)

Names Given to the Daylilies Planted at Seattle's Ballard Locks by the Puget Sound Daylily Club
By Arne Christensen (04/29/02)

Of Presidents and Devils
By Martin Schneider (04/29/02)

Injudicious Uses of Exclamation Points in the Teacher's Video Company Catalog
By John Warner (04/29/02)

My Unabridged Vocabulary at Thirteen Months Which, Unhappily, Foreshadows the Next 302
By Michelle Orange (04/29/02)

Selected Side Effects of My Recently-Prescribed Medication
By Drew Crownover (04/22/02)

Actual Evaluations I Received from Students in My Analytical Chemistry Class
By P. John Wright (04/22/02)

Things People Said to Me While I Worked the Front Desk in Lieu of "Would you throw this away for me?"
By Sarah Brown (04/22/02)

What Was Asked of Jeeves, on March 5, 2002
By Dan Kennedy (04/22/02)

Students' Responses to a Quiz on McDonald's, Presented as Evidence That I Might Not Be Cutting It As an American Culture Teacher at a College in Ningbo, China
By Chikako Kobaysahi (04/22/02)

Murder Techniques Offered by the Killer-for-Hire in AC/DC's "Dirty Deeds, Done Dirt Cheap"
By David Eskola (04/15/02)

Actual Band Names That Double As Excuses for Showing up Late to Work
By Eric Elbogen (04/15/02)

Song Titles by Judas Priest, Modified to Reflect an Alternate Reality in Which the Band is Obsessed with Members of President Jimmy Carter's Cabinet and the 1985 American League Eastern Division Champion Toronto Blue Jays
By Steve Huey (04/15/02)

Actual Comments Made about Ozzy Osbourne on the Official Message Board for "The Osbournes" TV Program
By Tracy Scarpino (04/15/02)

Rapper or Toiletry?
By Mike Daulton (04/15/02)

Some Things I Have Done to Disgrace My Family Name
By Jennifer Howse (04/08/02)

Comments Written on Evaluations of My Speech on Needle Exchange Programs
By Andy Rathbun (04/08/02)

What to Expect after March Madness
By Damien James (04/08/02)

T-Shirt Slogans Worn Recently by Contestants on The Price Is Right
By Martin Schneider (04/08/02)

All the President's Wu-Tang Clan
By Holly Bailey (04/08/02)

Actual User Comments in the "Fat Cats" Photo Gallery at CuteCats.com
By Blake Wirht (04/01/02)

Some Reasons I've been Fired
By Clay Collier (04/01/02)

Names of Characters Played by Donald Gibb Since Starring as Ogre in "Revenge of the Nerds"
By Dan Kois (04/01/02)

Nineteen Suggestions by Dictionary.com When I Misspelled "Penguin."
By Stefan Gruber (04/01/02)

Rejected Arcade Games
By Jules Lipoff (04/01/02)

Actual Questions and Comments Overheard at the DMV
By Benjamin R. Cohen (03/25/02)

The Latest in Innuendo Bumper Stickers
By Jason Roberts (03/25/02)

Answers I Gave on a Pop Quiz in My Understanding the Short Story Class
By Suzanne Kleid (03/25/02)

Pattern Options for Scrubs in the Jasco Uniform Company Catalog
By Ed Page (03/25/02)

Information Entered by a Website Tester Who's Done This Part Fifty Times Already and Just Wants To Get Past It
By Martin Schneider (03/25/02)

Actual Titles from Whitman Publishing's 1945 Series of Mystery and Adventure Stories for Girls and Boys
By Gregg Grose (03/18/02)

Quotes from the Movie "Jaws" in Which "shark" Is Replaced by "Jimmy Page"
By Mark Podojil (03/18/02)

Synopses of "Sports Stories for Young Readers" Found in the 1964 edition of Catcher with a Glass Arm, Plus Three I Invented
By David Roth (03/18/02)

Actual Names of Computer Games Ending in "Tycoon."
By Hal Dick (03/18/02)

Tips from a Guide to the Computer Game "Phantasmagoria: A Puzzle of The Flesh."
By Laura Kennicutt (03/18/02)

Las Senales de Aviso de Un Ataque de Corazon
By Seth D. Michaels (03/11/02)

Real Pennsylvania Towns
By Laura Golembiewski (03/11/02)

Figure Skating Term or Phonetic Symbol?
By Robert Martinengo (03/11/02)

Books about the Special Relationship between Switzerland and America
By Martin Schneider (03/11/02)

Names of Actual Places in Texas, Arranged by Proposed License Plate Slogans Showcasing Those Places
By Alan Berube (03/11/02)

Characters Played by Movie Actor Frank Thomas Feeney (1881-1953)
By Bethany Round (03/04/02)

Actual Email Usernames Given by Students in Introductory Astronomy at the University of California, Santa Barbara
By Colleen M. Schwartz (03/04/02)

Assorted Chances, Good and Bad
By Julie Brunson (03/04/02)

English-Language Names My Chinese Acquaintances Chose for Themselves
By Ryan McGorman (03/04/02)

Actual Excerpts from Reunion-Chat Website Autobiographies of Pittsburgh-Area High School Graduates
By Jessica Sedgewick (03/04/02)

Baby Names for an Expected Sister Suggested by Nathaniel Watson, Age Six
By Sarah Brown (02/26/02)

Crate and Barrel Tableware Style + U.S. President = Fictional Delta Blues Singer
By Josh Michtom (02/26/02)

Introducing the New Cereals
By Amy O'Leary and Adam Weitz (02/26/02)

Actual Notes I Took During a Showing of "Paris is Burning" in College, Discovered Four Years Later
By Jason Fagone (02/26/02)

Actual Police Calls from Fayetteville, Arkansas, as Reported by the Fayetteville Police Department
By John Mark Boling (02/26/02)

For the Executive Who Has Everything, Six Gift Catalog Headlines Warning of Epic Peril Followed by the Items Promising to Save One from Those Perils
By Dan Kennedy (02/18/02)

Actual Answers to the Question "What or Who Is the Greatest Love of Your Life?" That Were Not, to My Surprise, "You"
By Michelle Orange (02/18/02)

Names of Squash That Also Make Good Terms of Endearment
By Laura Belous (02/18/02)

Characters Available for Singing Telegrams from Babaloons, a Northern California Company, with Prices
By David Roth (02/18/02)

Variations on the Spelling of 'Vehicles,' Submitted by my 6th Graders Attempting to Earn Extra Credit on a Weekly Spelling Test
By Andre Theisen (02/18/02)

Names of the Most Popular Colors According to the Color Marketing Group's 2002 Color Forecast
By Jason Kottke (02/11/02)

Alternative Winter Olympics
By Dominique Ritter (02/11/02)

How Many Members of Each of the Following Religions It Takes To Screw in a Lightbulb
By Matthew Prins (02/11/02)

Tips from "Jokes and How to Tell Them," Published in 1963
By R.J. White (02/11/02)

As a Porn Movie Titler, I May Lack Promise
By John Moe (02/11/02)

Actual Bullet Points from a Handout for a Philosophy Class on Consciousness
By Roblin Meeks (02/05/02)

Items Discovered in Boxes of My Grandmother's Things
By Aimee Agresti (02/05/02)

Actual Names of People Who Checked in to a Youth Hostel in San Francisco
By Suzanne Kleid (02/05/02)

Excerpts from Letters to the Editor That Appeared Recently in The Paradise Post, a California Newspaper
By Dan Kennedy (02/05/02)

A Minute-by-Minute Breakdown of My First and Only Call to a Psychic Friend
By Matthew Crouch (02/05/02)

Life Advice Gleaned from the Bliss Spa Beauty Catalog
By John Glassie (01/28/02)

Dial 9
By Mick Wright (01/28/02)

What to Say When Pretending You Grew Up Middle-Class and Not in a Housing Project in Brooklyn
By David Lewis Kennedy (01/28/02)

Chapter Titles in Herman Melville's 'Moby-Dick' That Misleadingly Suggest Racy Content
By Ed Page (01/28/02)

Quoting My Philosophy Professors out of Context
By Jeremy Richards (01/28/02)

Actual Usernames of Participants in a Recent Online Discussion of the War in Afghanistan
By Dan Kennedy (01/21/02)

Tempo Markings in Wayne Erbsen's Backpocket Bluegrass Songbook
By Ethan Hein (01/21/02)

Less Popular Board Games
By Neil Chamberlain (01/21/02)

Recently Overheard on Ray Bradbury Theatre
By Steven Luciw (01/21/02)

How to Make Classic Chicken and Rice
By Gordon Haber (01/21/02)

Frequently Asked Questions
By Stuart B. Kelly (01/14/02)

First Lines to Books I Won't Write
By Jim Behrle (01/14/02)

Eternia's Legendary Homoerotic Figures
By Chadd S. Johnson (01/14/02)

Titles of Zoological Leaflets Issued by Chicago's Field Museum of Natural History in 1938
By Charlie Sweitzer (01/14/02)

Catalog Headlines That Made Me Daydream of Big Success
By Dan Kennedy (01/14/02)

Alternative Anniversary Gift Traditions
By Lindsay Robertson (01/07/02)

Foods and Beverages That Are Bad for You
By Melissa Bell (01/07/02)

Actual Phrases Written between the 1/8" Wide Joints of a Field of 4" x 4" Ceramic Tiles Located above the Urinals in a Men's Restroom
By Scott Ogden (01/07/02)

Thirteen Ways of Looking at Mario Ernesto Rojas
By Carolyn Johnson (01/07/02)

Actual Names of Online Poker Players
By Marc Gilutin (01/07/02)

Actual Comments Written in the Customer Comments Book in Somerfield's, a Supermarket in Galashiels, in the Scottish Borders
By Stuart B. Kelly (01/02/02)

Words Used by My Grandfather in His WWII Diary to Denote Intoxication
By Elizabeth Ellen (01/02/02)

In the Magazine Age
By Shane Wilson (01/02/02)

Probable Locations of Trans-dimensional Portals
By Neil Kelley (01/02/02)

Tom Cruise's Smile, Circa December 2001
By John McMurtrie (01/02/02)

Street Names of Some Common Antibiotics
By Bengamin Errett (12/17/01)

Proposed Hobbies for My Friend Stan's Mom and the Reasons They Were Scrapped
By Molly Woods (12/17/01)

Last Names That Are More Common Than My Own, According to the Census Bureau
By Seth Kolloen (12/17/01)

Actual Titles of Resumes Posted by Job Seekers on a San Francisco-Area Web Site
By Tony Cross (12/17/01)

Capitalized Words and Phrases Appearing in the Official Sea-Monkey Handbook
By Amy L. Stender (12/17/01)

Sentences I Wish I Hadn't Written
By John Glassie (12/10/01)

Actual Pull Quotes from Bob Greene's Nationally Syndicated Newspaper Column
By Dave Reidy and Kevin Guilfoile (12/10/01)

Spell-check's Suggested Replacements for My Last Name
By Jill Gerber (12/10/01)

Ineffective Ways to Subdue a Jaguar
By Elizabeth Butler (12/10/01)

Actual Stories from American Window Cleaner Magazine
By Martin Schneider (12/10/01)

Names Considered and Rejected by the Software Company "Cisive" While Looking for Something in the Style of "Teligent" and "Genuity"
By Earl L. Humphreys (12/03/01)

Roman Emperors of Questionable Mental Health, Or Leafy Green Vegetables?
By Jodee Rubins (12/03/01)

All the Gerunds Fit to Print
By Dominique Ritter (12/03/01)

Ten Poets Named Like Porn Stars
By Ed Page (12/03/01)

Vanity Plates of Alaska: The Available, the Unavailable, and the Issued
By Amanda Toering (12/03/01)

Character in Harry Potter Books, or Current U.S. Navy Rear Admiral?
By Geoff Brown (11/26/01)

Titles of Unwritten Essays Jotted down While Living in Prague in the 90s
By Rachel Carpenter (11/26/01)

Girls' Names for Parents Who Wanted a Boy
By Wendy Underwood and Kurtis Kolt (11/26/01)

Captions for a Cartoon
By Earl Wang (11/26/01)

Descriptions of Omaha Beef Steaks That Are Meant to Be Enticing
By Gloria Fallon (11/26/01)

The Art Gliner Punch Line Machine
By Catherine Zymet (11/19/01)

What the Buddha Is Not, According to the Twenty Questions Computer Game
By Stephen Barber (11/19/01)

Meatless Pop
By Jef Taylor (11/19/01)

Educational Videos and Their Sponsors Available to Schools for Free from Video Placement Worldwide
By Andre Theisen (11/19/01)

Ways One Might Describe the New Color of the Interior Walls at the Architecture Firm Where I Work
By Salli Beams (11/19/01)

Alphabetical Resume Verbs as Memoir
By Joey Fortuna (11/12/01)

Museums I Saw Advertised on Interstates 95, 81, 40 and California Route 58
By Matt Gross (11/12/01)

Thirty Things I Learned at My New Job at the Video Store
By Ali Davis (11/12/01)

Marcel Duchamp: The Mix Tape Biography
By Dorothy Gambrell (11/12/01)

Children's Games and Party Games Listed in Bartlett's Roget's Thesaurus That I Wouldn't Necessarily Want to Play
By Melissa Hammesfahr (11/12/01)

Schoolyard Games for Unpopular Children
By Greg Knauss (11/05/01)

Nine Words Probably Not Ever Found in Personal Ads
By Melissa Bell (11/05/01)

World Capitals or Jedi Knights
By Joey Fortuna (11/05/01)

Objects Found While Bicycling on a County Road in Illinois
By R.L. Cagle (11/05/01)

Names That I Call My Cat, Mr. Miles Caballero Del Gato, Aside from Mr. Miles Caballero Del Gato
By Shane Dickson (11/05/01)

Twenty-Eight Real Animals Named After Other Animals
By Ed Page (09/03/01)

What People Said to Me upon Being Informed I Had Applied to Work in Antarctica
By Emily Cotlier (09/03/01)

Things Customers Have Said after Asking Me Where All the Oprah Books Are Located and I Point over Their Shoulder, Saying, "Six o' Clock"
By Evan Robb (09/03/01)

Entrants In The First Decennial Ordinal Film Festival
By Joey Fortuna (09/03/01)

A Good Salesman Can Sell
By Dan Kennedy (09/03/01)

Some Very Unpopular Mixed Drinks
By Rick Larsen (09/03/01)

The Emperor Has No Cortex: One Hundred Percent True Quotes From My Former Hollywood Bosses
By Patrick Thomas (08/20/01)

I Fainted
By Katie Hess (08/20/01)

Actual Names of Racers in the United States Lawnmower Racing Association
By Colin Devenish (08/20/01)

Pickup Lines That Went Unnoticed
By Ed Page and Stephany Aulenback (08/20/01)

All I Remember from a Shelley Winters Biography I Read at Fifteen
By Michelle Orange (08/20/01)

A Lesson Learned in Life... Known From the Dawn of Time: By My Recollection, the 25 Most Confusing Pantera Lyrics
By Chadd S. Johnson (07/09/01)

Top Ten Favorite Movies List With an Entry That Reveals the List-Maker as Someone Only Pretending to Be an Assistant Professor of Cinema Studies at an Australian University
By A.S. Hamrah (07/09/01)

Dives Not Recognized by the Olympic Diving Committee
By Peter Schooff (07/09/01)

Off-Season Transactions
By Sasha Issenberg (07/09/01)

Lines of "Star Wars" Dialogue If Obi-Wan Kenobi Had Been Really, Really Depressed
By Greg Knauss (07/09/01)

Actual Answers to Questions From a Reading Comprehension Booklet
By Mark Lovely (07/09/01)

Updates
By Jason Adams (07/09/01)

Members of a Los Angeles-Area Cheesecake Factory Wait Staff (Listed in Order of Appearance)
By Greg Knauss (07/09/01)

A Dream Playlist for a Salt Lake City Golden Oldies Station
By Jon Casimir (07/09/01)

Things I Have Had in My Nose, and If They Got There Intentionally or Accidentally
By Greg Knauss (07/03/01)

Bad Sums That Equal Danger
By Rob Sears (07/03/01)

Drug-Culture Symbioses
By Nic Blahunka and Robin "A" Morast (07/03/01)

Lines to be Relayed by a Servile Yet Dignified Waiter to an Interesting-Looking Woman in a Public Place
By Joe O'Neill (07/03/01)

Responses from the Lady, To Be Relayed by That Same Servile Yet Dignified Waiter
By Joe O'Neill (07/03/01)

Five Essentials of Success, as Posted in the Kitchen of an Actual Fast-Food Restaurant
By M. David Hornbuckle (07/03/01)

Roles Played by Two of Our Most Ubiquitous and Unknown, Yet Instantly Recognizable, Movie and Television Actors
By Joe Lombardo (07/03/01)

Rating Key
By Charlie Galindo (06/01/01)

Baseball Players of the 1980s Whose Names Are No Longer Available as Dot-com Addresses
By Dave Daley (06/01/01)

Baseball Players of the 1980s Whose Names Are Still Available as Dot-com Addresses
By Dave Daley (06/01/01)

Fun Snapple Tricks
By Jad Donohoe (06/01/01)

Philosophical Fast Food Quotations
By Benjamin R. Cohen (06/01/01)

Things I've Said or Overheard Said to the Monkeys in My Laboratory
By Daniel Engber (06/01/01)

Cancelled Regional Morning TV Shows
By John Moe (05/11/01)

Items on the Desk That Make Me, the Temp, a Bit Uneasy
By Jen Greenwood (05/11/01)

On the Heels of "Finding Forrester" and "Saving Silverman," More Movie Titles with Alliteration, Gerunds, Proper Names
By Jim Hanas (05/11/01)

Alternative Alphabetical Orders
By Sam Potts (05/11/01)

2001 Nobel Prize Underdogs
By Sean Monkman (05/11/01)

Suggested Titles for Anecdotes I Tell Far Too Often, Followed by a Tally of Significant Events, Items, and Characters Appearing Therein
By Ron Dulin (05/04/01)

The Deployment of Concepts from Theoretical Physics
By Simon DeDeo (05/04/01)

If You Wanted to Join Match.Com to Meet Girls and You Wanted to Impress Those Girls by Selecting a Username That Cleverly References a Literary Character, You Couldn't Choose Any of These Because They Are Already Taken
By Ian LeBon (05/04/01)

Nicknames For The Various Manners In Which A Shirt May Be Worn
By Kevin Canfield (05/04/01)

Properly Sequenced Tool Hits for Amada'S Pega 345 58 Station Sheet Metal Punching CNC Turret, Juxtaposed With Childhood Memories They Remind Me Of
By Ter McDermott (05/04/01)

Passwords Printed on the Eight Trial Software Packages AOL Has Mailed to Me since December 20, and an Imagined Exchange Between AOL and Me
By Matthew Summers-Sparks (04/26/01)

Seven Selling-Points for Sizzling Steak
By Nick Smith (04/26/01)

Like a Fox
By Matt Glarner (04/26/01)

In Search of Lost Temps
By A.S. Hamrah (04/26/01)

Obsessive Behaviors Exhibited Toward Your Emotions
By Neil Kelley (04/26/01)

Corporate Mascots: Their Stunning Secrets Revealed
By Alex Balk (04/19/01)

Actual Names of Amsters Living in the Greater Seattle Area (in Reference to Previous List by Adam Voith)
By Sarah M. Balcomb (04/19/01)

Actual First Names of People Who Have Recently Worked in the Romance Department at Harvard University
By Joe Lavin (04/19/01)

List of Names of People I Actually Know That Could Very Easily Be Porn Star Names, Excluding the Last One, As I Do Not Actually Know That Person
By Elizabeth Miller (04/19/01)

Movies you Probably Won't Be Seeing Anytime Soon: Titles and Loglines From Screenplays That Didn't Win Project Greenlight
By Matthew Dessem (04/19/01)

Name, Lifespan, and Manner of Death of the Clawed African Aquatic Frogs (Xenopus Laevis) That I Have Owned
By Cornelia Ann Bailey (04/12/01)

Inspirational Messages Found in Southern California Public High Schools, As Observed by a Substitute Teacher
By James Nevison (04/12/01)

Remember in "Passenger 57" When Elizabeth Hurley Says "How Would You Like Your Steak, Sir?" and He Says "Bloody!" and Then They Start Shooting People? OK. Five Other Ways He Could Have Liked His Steak, With the Concomitant Killing Methodologies
By Josh Levin (04/12/01)

Important Dates in Machiavelli's Life
By Benjamin R. Cohen (04/12/01)

Proposed Names for an Amateur Wrestler Unduly Influenced by the Work of Samuel Taylor Coleridge
By Jim Ruland (04/12/01)

Real and Imagined Things My 3-Month-Old Son Charlie Has Said
By John Moe (04/05/01)

A Paranoid's Eighties Mix Tape
By Dave Reidy (04/05/01)

Muscles of the Face or Men's Colognes
By Mike Henry (04/05/01)

Uses for Various Bells as Suggested by EthnicMusic.com
By Sarah Moran (04/05/01)

Popular Books Titled as Though Written in an Engineering, Scientific, and/or Mathematical Vernacular
By Ter McDermott (04/05/01)

Advertising Slogans Targeted at the Lovecraftian Elder Gods
By Greg Knauss (03/29/01)

Library Science Jargon That Sounds Dirty
By Aaron J. Enright (03/29/01)

A Year in Words That Sound Like Pasta Shapes When Pronounced as Such
By Michelle Orange (03/29/01)

Actual Sentences Written by Students in My Fiction Workshop in a Well-Respected MFA Program Over a Period of a Couple Weeks or So
By Luke O'Neil (03/29/01)

Actual T'ai Chi Terms That Would Be Intriguing as Services Provided by a Geisha, Plus Two That I Made Up
By Brann Greager (03/29/01)

Early Drafts of Surprise Endings
By Greg Knauss (02/23/01)

Teas and/or Psychedelics I'm Inventing
By Jeff Johnson (02/23/01)

America's Funniest Home Depots
By Joy Nolan (02/23/01)

Four Things I Would Have Said to Sylvia Plath If I Had Been Her Boyfriend
By Dan Kennedy (02/23/01)

More Ways to Cook and Eat Céline Dion
By Mike Topp (02/15/01)

Mohicans
By Michael Andor Brodeur (02/15/01)

In Lineup Form, Possible Nicknames for Semi-Popular Former and Present-Day Major League Baseball Players Using Only The Full Names of Former Catchers Who Themselves Lacked Nicknames
By JT Dobbs (02/15/01)

Rejected Titles for Sisqo's "Thong Song"
By Mike Johns (02/15/01)

Disorders in Which Laughter May Be a Symptom
By Mike Topp (02/08/01)

My Own Private Menlo Park
By Peter O'Toole (02/08/01)

What We'd All Be Talking About If Important Things Had Different Names
By Daniel Arizona and F. Tanner Colby (02/08/01)

Troubled Business Models
By Stuart Wade and Kenan Pollack (02/08/01)

Things My Girlfriend or Mother have Called "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" (Real and Imagined)
By Erik Kraft (01/26/01)

Eleven Lunchmeats I Have Invented
By Steven Tomsik (01/24/01)

Actual "To-Do" List Found on Ground in Parking Lot in Downtown Indianapolis, Published as a Warning to Steve About Potential Atypical Behavior of an Otherwise Kind and Generous Person
By Mark E. Need (01/23/01)

Cause and Effect Rules for Sidewalk Travel
By John Moe (01/22/01)

Titles From True Detective
By Mike Topp (01/19/01)

10 Groundbreaking Research Titles
By Jane Newman (01/18/01)

41 Archaic Diseases or Former Pro Football Head Coaches
By Dan Davis (01/16/01)

Rhetorical Questions Posed By My Dentist That I Honestly Believe I Would Answer Yes To
By Dan Kennedy (01/12/01)

Infrequently Asked Questions
By JT Dobbs (01/11/01)

10 Eligible Bachelors and What They Are Eligible For
By Michael Andor Brodeur (01/10/01)

Spelling Words With "K"
By Erik Kraft (01/09/01)

Academic Euphemisms for Masturbating
By Andrew Wheeler (01/08/01)

Tanks and Bubblegum
By Eryk Salvaggio (01/05/01)

Ailments I Will Probably Have, Later
By Steven Tomsik (01/04/01)

Answers to Common Questions, in Which the Answers Incorporate Common AutoCAD 14 Commands
By Ter McDermott (01/03/01)

New Year's Events You May Have Missed
By Stuart Wade (01/02/01)

Secret New Year's Resolutions From Washington
By Jim Ruland (12/29/00)

Actual Names of Hamsters Living in Seattle's Queen Anne Neighborhood (in Reference to Previous Lists by Diana Fischer)
By Adam Voith (12/28/00)

Concluding Sentences from YM Magazine's "Say Anything" Column, a Collection of Embarrassing Experiences Submitted by YM Readers
By David Roth (12/27/00)

Questions for the Office Manager
By Mike Topp (12/21/00)

Lies I Have Told About Myself to Get Into Well-Paid Focus Groups
By Cornelia Ann Bailey (12/20/00)

Waiting List
By Justine Hermitage (12/19/00)

My First Ten Stages of the Tour De France
By Peter O'Toole (12/18/00)

What Alex Rodriguez Can and Cannot Buy With $252 Million
By John Moe (12/15/00)

A Week of Weather Forecasts By The A&E Biography Clock, As Viewed By Me From Columbus Circle
By Keith Bunin (12/14/00)

Phrases Considered Handy by Makers of Ukranian-English Tapes for Car Service Drivers
By Elisa Zuritsky (12/13/00)

Seven Deadly Lists
By Kevin Walter (12/12/00)

Words, Names, Or Phrases That Must Be Mispronounced In Order To Create The Proper Rhyme Scheme In My Epic Poem About The 1921 Boston Red Sox
By Kevin Canfield (12/11/00)

Who Let the Dogs Out
By JT Dobbs (12/08/00)

Ten Sequels (In the Tradition of "What's Happening Now!!")
By Sara Ogilvie (12/07/00)

Jurisdictional Karate: 36 Selected Pairs of Guide Words from The Merriam-Webster Dictionary, 1974
By Joy Nolan (12/05/00)

Last-Minute Installation Ideas
By J.M. Martinez (12/04/00)

David Blaine Is Soft, Or, Things I Would Stand In For 61 Hours
By Steven Tomsik (12/01/00)

Actual Academic Journals Which Could Be Broadway Shows If They Had Exclamation Points Added!
By T. G. Gibbon (11/30/00)

Names of People I Know That Also Form Grammatically Correct Sentences
By Cornelia Ann Bailey (11/29/00)

Dares and Double-Dares I Took Prior to My 10th Birthday, and Their Consequences
By Sean Carrie (11/28/00)

Noises That Select Political Pundits Would Make If They Were Wild Animals Instead of Political Pundits
By John Warner (11/27/00)

Match the Product With the Label Instructions/Warning
By Bob Sassone (11/22/00)

Bed As Compass: Directions in Which My Bed Has Faced, by City and by Apt/House/Room
By Michael Murphy (11/21/00)

Things To Do in Hell
By Mike Topp (11/20/00)

Strippers Who Care
By Stacey Woods (11/17/00)

Grammatical and Other Errors Recently Found in an Official Government Document, In Alphabetical Order
By Rinny Brown (11/16/00)

Words That Would Make Nice Names for Babies, If It Weren't For Their Unsuitable Meanings
By S. Aulenback (11/15/00)

17 Lines of Copy Used on the Website buycostumes.com
By JT Dobbs (11/14/00)

Recently Discovered Voting Irregularities in Florida
By John Moe (11/13/00)

Blame Florida: Proposed Name Changes for the State of Florida
By Jim Ruland (11/10/00)

The First 100 Posts
By John Warner (11/09/00)

Some States and their Electoral College Values
By Josh Weintraub (11/08/00)

U.S. Presidential Candidates of the Future: Some Domain Names That Are Already Registered
By Mark Anderson (11/07/00)

The Six Simple Machines (Modern)
By Karl Petruso (11/06/00)

My Children Will Pay For This Someday
By Steven Tomsik (11/03/00)

Taxi Driver
By Mike Topp (11/02/00)

Recipes That Would Be Officially Approved by the Ayn Rand Institute
By John Warner (11/01/00)

"The doggie.com Domain Name Has Been Registered": Register.com's Proposed Alternate Domain Names
By Matthew Summers-Sparks (10/31/00)

The Seven Stages of Drunk
By Kevin Sampsell (10/30/00)

Cow Best Sellers
By Mike Topp (10/27/00)

The Least Believable Things I Can Reach With a Cane While Sitting at My Computer
By Francis Heaney (10/26/00)

Flavors That I Would Imagine the Forehead of Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer Tastes Like
By Michael Genrich (10/25/00)

Searching for Orthographical Consensus by Counting Search Results on Google.com, Part One: The Leader of Libya
By Kevin Shay (10/24/00)

Slogans of Not-So-Prestigious Schools
By Jeff Johnson (10/23/00)

Bad Things That Will Happen When You Masturbate
By Kevin Sampsell (10/20/00)

VH-1's Greatest Songs of Rock and Roll, Adjusted for Not Sucking by Dan, a Viacom Intern, With Minimal Input From Dan's Older Brother Jim, Whose Girlfriend Just Broke Up With Him Over the Phone
By Kevin Guilfoile (10/19/00)

Personal Fashion Mistakes
By Mike Topp (10/18/00)

Steps in the Creation of a List
By Francis Heaney (10/17/00)

Future Computer Viruses Named After the Subject Headers of the Emails in Which They Are Propagated
By Bryan Charles (10/16/00)

Lines of Dialogue From a Japanese Fansite's Transcription of "Full House" Episodes
By Chris Smith (10/13/00)

Questions I Was Asked in Japan
By Ashley Alsup (10/12/00)

A list of hit tracks by my 11-year-old sister Ruth, whose knowledge of metal and glam rock stems entirely from the cover of a "Nelson and Nelson Smokin' Guitar Licks" video we saw at the music store, but who, nevertheless, calling herself "The Blast Off!," decided to form her own ensemble, "Lumpee & Meen," which she was kind enough to let me join
By Leif and Ruth Larsen (10/11/00)

Terrible Names for Hair Salons
By John Moe (10/10/00)

Things I Would Often Think About While at Church
By Kevin Sampsell (10/09/00)

Defunct Youth Group Metal Bands
By Chadd S. Johnson (10/06/00)

Rejected Pictures For Commemorative New York Subway Fare Cards
By Dan Kennedy (10/05/00)

Preliminary Results of the Human Genome Project: A Scientific Paper in Two Parts
By Ian LeBon (10/04/00)

List of Ideas for Ideas for Lists
By Bill Wasik (10/03/00)

Sixteen Phrases That You Won't Find in Peru, in Any Language
By Jill D. Lawley (10/02/00)

Some Plot Summaries of Daytime Television Reruns, as Listed in the Raleigh, NC, News & Observer, During a Single Week This Past Summer
By Jennifer Boyer (09/29/00)

Ineffective Lines Deleted From Final Revisions of Violent Box-Office Hits
By Dan Kennedy (09/28/00)

Things I Did Today Which Possibly Indicate Neurosis
By Andrew Wheeler (09/27/00)

Suggested Band Names
By John Kenyon (09/26/00)

Authors Whose Names You Can Say While Eating Corn on the Cob
By Paul Bacon (09/25/00)

Authors Whose Names You Can Say While Chewing Gum
By Paul Bacon (09/25/00)

Failed Palindromes
By Chris Miller (09/22/00)

The Only Thoughts I Remember Crossing My Mind Today, Part 2
By Dan Kennedy (09/21/00)

Poor Names For An Earth, Wind, And Fire Cover Band
By Michael Genrich (09/20/00)

Lesser-Known Facts, Democratic Party Edition
By John Warner (09/19/00)

Fall Hunting Dates for North Dakota
By Kate E. Gambs (09/18/00)

13 Fraudulent Martyrs
By Tom Nissley (03/13/00)

A Judgment of My Performance
By Megan Briscoe (03/13/00)

Your eBay Friends and Neighbors
By Monique Dufour (03/13/00)

Ten As-Yet-Unwritten Articles About Cheese
By Jason McKnight (03/13/00)

The Only Thoughts I Remember Crossing My Mind Today
By Dan Kennedy (02/23/00)

Real Notes Scribbled In Books Still On The Shelves At Borders Books and Music
By Bob Sassone (02/23/00)

Best and Worst Teams in Seattle's Weeknight Co-Rec Soccer League (Divisions 9A-9F)
By Michael Murphy (02/23/00)

Eric's Top Ten Movies of 1999
By Eric McHenry (02/23/00)

Ways To Offer Coffee Refills at a Diner (If You are Working at the Diner)
By Adam McGill (02/14/00)

Bad Names for Hamsters
By Diana Fischer (02/14/00)

Good Names for Hamsters
By Diana Fischer (02/14/00)

3 Little Things I Regret Having Said
By Dan Kennedy (02/14/00)

Freudian Blender Settings
By William Novim (01/31/00)

Lists Involving Christ, Christian Names, and Peace of Mind
By Jesse Lichtenstein (01/31/00)

Tossed, Hurled, Thrown
By Jesse Lichtenstein (01/31/00)

If Medical Conditions were like Masterpiece Theater and Sporting Venues
By T.G. Gibbon (01/31/00)

The Blots vs. The Sharks: The Blots' Playbook
By Matthew Summers-Sparks (01/31/00)

The Past Ten Business Days
By Ryan Purdy (01/31/00)

Dreams, by Proximity to Reality
By Mike Chamberlin (01/31/00)

Several Phrases That Have Never Been Uttered in Human History
By Marshall Sella (01/24/00)

The Contrarian's Alternate History of Popular Music: The Top 100
By Jim Ridley (01/24/00)

Ulriches Past Present and Future
By Keith Crouse (01/24/00)

Speculative Titles of Future Thrillers by James Patterson
By Matt Sullivan (01/24/00)

23 Websites You Might Be Very Disappointed to Hear Are Already Registered, and One You Might Be Surprised to Discover Is Still Available Compiled by Jeff Boison (01/21/00)

Not-Good Titles for Romantic Films
By Tim Blair (01/21/00)

Percentages of Internet Users Genuinely Engaged in the Action in Column "A" While Typing the Abbreviation in Column "B"
By Kevin Shay (01/17/00)

Words from a Magnetic Poetry Set
By Andre Theisen (01/17/00)

Six Rejected Pseudonyms for Allen T. Loffman
By Joshua Steichman (01/17/00)

Six Possible Pseudonyms for Allen T. Loffman
By Joshua Steichman (01/17/00)

Possible Winning Solutions to the Board Game "Clue" If the Characters Were Replaced with Right-Leaning Political Pundits, the Weapons Replaced with Logical Fallacies, And the Rooms Replaced with Either Jung's "Psychic Containers" or Varieties of Soft Cheese
By John Warner (01/17/00)

1999: 10 Dates to Remember
By Darnell Lye (01/17/00)

Awful Sports
By Eric McHenry (01/10/00)

Terms That Corporate America Should Consider Using in Place of "Going Forward"
By Kevin Shay (01/10/00)

Eventual Everything: 65 Selected Pairs of Guide Words from the McGraw-Hill School Dictionary, 1998 Edition
By Joy Nolan (01/10/00)

Boring Scores, In Alphabetical Order By Sport
By Michael Mannella (01/04/00)

Actual List of Claimants to the Title of Inventor of the Ice Cream Cone Compiled by Paul Dickson with assistance from Barry Popik (12/13/99)

20 Irritating Titles
By Joy Nolan (12/09/99)

Quasimodo's "To-Do" List for Nov. 15, 1482
By Oscar Martinez (12/09/99)

Bad Names For Professional Wrestlers, The Next Generation
By Jeff Johnson (11/16/99)

Bad Names For Professional Wrestlers
By Jeff Johnson (11/03/99)

Appropriate Names for Pets
By Chadd S. Johnson (10/27/99)

Less Popular Bars
By Stuart Wade (10/20/99)

Oh, The Times We Had
By Paul Tough and Stephen Sherrill (09/20/99)

 

 

- - - -

MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES



Memories of Amanda Davis




Red dot denotes content that is new today.

Black dot denotes newish content.

McSWEENEY'S STORE

SUBSCRIBE TO:
McSWEENEY'S
THE BELIEVER
WHOLPHIN

FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS

THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD

INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE

THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING

McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST

BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY

McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES

ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES

SUBMISSION GUIDELINES:
FOR BOOKS
FOR THE QUARTERLY
FOR THE WEBSITE
FOR WHOLPHIN

McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS

CONTACT US

- - - -

LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S

LISTS

McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS

REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD

NEW WHOLPHIN FILM

TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS

NON-ESSENTIAL MNEMONICS

BITCHSLAP: A COLUMN ABOUT WOMEN AND FIGHTING

DISPATCHES FROM A GUY TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY
TO SELL A SONG IN NASHVILLE

GLOBAL WAR ON BEDBUGS: LETTERS FROM BEDBUG CITY

THE CONFLICTED EXISTENCE OF A FEMALE PORN WRITER

OH MY GAWD: A COLUMN ABOUT A TEENAGER NAVIGATING RELIGION

DISPATCHES FROM MANILA

DISPATCHES FROM AN INDIAN CASINO

THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST

CHRIS WHITE ANSWERS PROFOUND
QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS

REPORTS FROM THE PINBALL SCENE

LETTERS FROM THE HELLBOX

NOTES FROM AN AMATEUR SPECTATOR
AT AMATEUR MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTS

B.R. COHEN'S DAYS AT THE MUSEUM

CONVERSATIONS AT A WARTIME CAFÉ

GRANT MUNROE'S CORPORATE FOLKTALES

SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW

DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER
WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE

DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT

DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL

DISPATCHES FROM INDIA

THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL

SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL

SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES

STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE

YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN

KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE

LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL
TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY

E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT
FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM

TRAVELING EUROPE IN STYLE WITH AUCKLAND DINGIROO,
DARK-AGE TOURIST AND CRITIC OF FOOD AND DRINK

JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES

INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS

FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING

OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND

BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELBRITY MUSICALS

DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN

EXCERPTS FROM THE PANORAMA

SOLUTIONS TO BENJAMIN TAUSIG'S
THREE-DEMENSIONAL CROSSWORD PUZZLE
IN THE SAN FRANCISCO PANORAMA

ABOUT A VERY BAD WIZARD

ABOUT THE WILD THINGS

ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT

ABOUT FEVER CHART

ABOUT GOD SAYS NO

ABOUT ZEITOUN

- - - -

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL